I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 2 years now. We love each other very much. But recently, I have fallen for another man. My boyfriend and I are exclusive, but my curiosity for the second guy is eating me alive. How can I tell my boyfriend I don’t want to be exclusive anymore?
Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but I want the second guy, too… I’m a mess. Advice?
Yep. You’re a mess.
This is the problem with traditional monogamy. It doesn’t allow for shit like this, and folks always end up painfully surprised at its inevitability. Most people in your position only see three options: an affair, a breakup, or just sticking it out with your boyfriend. It’s a brave soul who considers having her cake and eating it too. Why not openly have both men?
Well, in your case, it’s because you’ve already established the monogamous and exclusive terms of your relationship, and getting what you want amounts to a renegotiation of the contract. That shit is tricky, especially since you’ll be doing it with another dude already waiting in the wings.
Obviously, if you even tried broaching this topic with your boyfriend, you would have to be willing to extend to him the same open terms. Fair is fair, and what’s good for you is good for him. Are you prepared for that? Even in a best case scenario, he’s gonna be fucking other people too. Are you ready for that?
Again, that’s a best case scenario. Most likely, your boyfriend won’t even be able to process that you’re asking him to share you with another guy. Unless he’s incredibly open-minded and has already had some experience with open relationships, I seriously doubt he’ll stick around to see how it all turns out.
What I’m saying here is that you’re in a tough spot. I respect that you want to handle this with integrity, that you don’t want to just go have an affair. Still, this kind of maneuver ain’t for beginners, and it requires a high degree of emotional maturity from all parties involved for it not to break up the relationship.
Tell you what, read this book, and then make an educated decision.
Good luck. You’re gonna need it.
One thought on “On opening up.”
Old post, but it should get the book recommendations tag!