Best-Of Advice

On that time you fucked a cop

Last week, I fucked a cop.  I knew that he was a piece of shit.  I knew I didn’t want anything out of this other than a mind-blowing one-night stand.  He was the hottest guy I ever slept with and 10/10 great in bed.  I never returned his calls, nor do I plan on seeing him again.  It was probably some of the best sex of my life, so why do I feel dirty when I think about it?

 

The simple answer is because you fucked a cop, but you caught me bored on a Monday, so let’s dig a little deeper.

You use two spaces after periods, which means you’re probably in your mid thirties. (You could be older, but I doubt it.) You’re college educated, and based on your phrasing, I’m gonna go with east coast, so I’m also guessing this was NYPD.

Now, if you’re in your thirties and an NYPD officer is the hottest guy you’ve ever slept with, that means you’ve probably spent some time trapped in a long-term monogamous relationship, most likely a marriage that ended some time in the last year or two, which also explains why you’re still confused over how to feel about having a one-night stand.

That’s why you’re writing in to an advice columnist with a list of post-one-night stand clichés. You’re half bragging/half guilty, which is understandable given that you’re experiencing the garden variety cognitive dissonance that occurs when a thirty-something woman finally gets around to a little sexual experimentation.

Fucking a cop is the closest you’ve ever come to having a bad-boy phase. In fact, that’s what your little one-night stand was — a late-in-the-game miniaturized bad-boy phase, and like all women who eventually mature, at some point you look back over your bad-boy phase and wonder what in the hell you were thinking. For most women, that happens over the course of many years. For you, it all happened in the same week.

That’s cool, though. You had an adventure and got your brains fucked out by a guy you’d cross the street to avoid in daylight. Good for you. Feel a little dirty, sort it out, and on to the next.

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19 thoughts on “On that time you fucked a cop

  1. J Lynn says:

    What phrasing seemed like East Coast?

    Admittedly off-topic to cop-fucking, but I really enjoy studying US regional accents, so I’m wondering what you noticed that seemed eastern/nyc-area. After reading the “ask” again, the language still seems pretty generic to me, but maybe that’s because I’ve spent a lot of time in the NE myself. The only possible clue was maybe that her sentences are declarative, short and to-the-point, matching the idea that people in the mid-Atlantic and Great Lakes big cities tend to be more direct than elsewhere?

    • The Coquette says:

      Yeah, I didn’t hear an accent. It was her clipped writing style, the phrase “10/10 great in bed,” and her use of never/nor. (Also, it’s a sheer numbers bet. If my readers fucked a cop, it was most likely NYPD.)

      • J Lynn says:

        Good catch noticing the never/nor thing. I guess the more bland, common way to say it would be “I didn’t return his calls and don’t plan to see him again.” The never/nor way is more emphatic, more verbally confident, which does fit the general stereotype for New Yorkers. I will listen for never/nor from now on to see if I notice any regional trend. Thanks for indulging my geekery.

  2. Perspectivator says:

    Oh jesus christ…now i’m riveted to this comment page hitting refresh to see if this woman got Sherlocked.

    It doesn’t really matter because that tale was so plausible. I kinda just want to let the perfection drift through the sky like an exhaled heavenly bong hit through 2000 Fonseca Port.

  3. M says:

    I honestly think you’re reaching a bit too far with your inferences based on her writing style. It’s certainly interesting but it felt tangential and distracted from the rest of the response. You usually make assumptions about those who write in, that’s all part of running an advice column. I’d be willing to bet those assumptions are correct the majority of the time but it doesn’t seem like it improved your response this time.

    • The Coquette says:

      Maybe, but I got a very clear picture in my head. It’s a very specific kind of Brooklyn hipster thirty-something that will call a cop a “piece of shit” and still fuck him. I mean sure, she could have been from San Fransisco or Chicago, but the tone of her reaction would have been different. Also, I’m not pulling this stuff out of my ass. People stopped being taught to use two spaces after periods in the early 90s as computers changed how people typed. People who still do it are almost always over 35. Of course, she might be 23 and her mom taught her to type, but again, her writing style would have been different. (And if I’m wrong, I’m wrong. This shit’s still fun for me.)

  4. Jemma says:

    Are there no respectable police officers? I know what kind of person the position attracts, and that the system is horrifically broken, but someone’s gotta want the job to actually protect people, right? You’ve said you have to participate in the system to work the system.

  5. Anna says:

    I dislike the moral assumption that coquette makes here and elsewhere that a woman’s values are reflected by the morals of the men she decides to rub her body parts against.
    It’s actually kind of sad to view pussy as an arm of justice, seeing all the other stuff a woman had that can change effectively combat state violence (amongst others).

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