On the long distance thing.

I’ve found my definition of “that guy.” He’s an explosive combination of all the things I wanted plus everything I never realized I needed — or at least never wanted to admit I needed. He chokes me when we fuck and buys me Diet Lemon Snapple because he knows it’s that, plus a morning key bump, that give me my extra burst. He calls me out on my shit and is almost as fucking intelligent as I am – but half as an immodest bitch about it. His New Era hats make me all slippery and he likes naps. He’d never call me by my first name and appreciates an ivory Mont Blanc.

I know it seems like all glitter and unicorn shit but there’s a catch – as there always is. This guy lives 535 miles away. 8 hours by car or an hour and a half by plane, take your pick. We’ve discussed dating and both agreed that if we were closer, we would in a heartbeat. I know long distance relationships are always risky, but my life is practically one big poor life choice and I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’ve never been around a guy I didn’t have to lie to – or fake an orgasm with – and I can’t imagine letting this one go. I’ve never given a second thought about most guys, and I don’t open up to anyone. PERIOD. Thanks to all the above, and so much more, this one’s got me willing to fly out every weekend just to make it work.

So my question for you is: what do I do? He always jokes with me that he’s “old and burnt out” – ie. a 31 year old Hatebreed listening, blow for brunch, complete and total sweetheart that no one would ever label correctly on first glance. He wants a crazy, dirty girl that’s as sweet as he is, to be normal with. Since his definition of normal is watching Ghostworld, playing “Guess the graphic designer,” doing lines off my collarbone and going to bed by 11:30, he and I both know I’m the one for him. The only thing that’s stopping us is the distance. He has a job he totally digs and I couldn’t relocate mine, which I love as well, for a year and a half, so that issue really can’t change right now. I’m legitimately terrified that he’ll find someone else, someone closer, that he can create this life with that we both want so much. I know not being able to see – and fuck – each other whenever we want will be a lot to deal with. He says people like me always get bored and move on, but I’m not bullshitting you when I say I seriously can’t see that happening. I really want this person in my life for a long time. Not that I’m saying he needs to put a ring on it or anything, but I think you know what I mean.

Not to offend you, but I see a lot of myself in you, or vice versa, so I thought you’d be the best person to ask. I do a shitty job at asking for help, and thus rarely ever do, so the “Be Vulnerable” button I’m about to push will really prove to be true right now.

Fuck. I know exactly what you mean. I’m pretty much in an identical situation, minus the Hatebreed and Ghostworld.

Despite your taste in media, I get that you’re intelligent and thoughtful. You’ve been around the block and you know a good thing when you’ve got it. So now comes the tough decision. Are you willing to put in eighteen months of long distance routine? If so, get a frequent flyer card and keep a carry-on in the ready position. Spend one or two weekends a month taking turns coming to see each other.

I’m speaking from experience. It’s extra effort, but it can be pretty great. The relationship stays fresh longer, and the time that you do spend together is more intense. Plus, if you’re career-minded, it can actually improve your focus by compartmentalizing work time and play time.

The hard part for most folks is adjusting your definition of fidelity. I recommend allowing each other to engage in harmless flirtation and meaningless sex while away from one another. I know it seems counterintuitive, but I promise it works.

I’ve already written about long distance relationships and how monogamy and fidelity aren’t the same thing. It’s not for everybody, but you strike me as the type who could handle it, and if you’re strong enough, it does wonders for a long distance relationship.

First of all, he’ll think you’re the coolest chick in the world for being so open. More importantly, he won’t feel trapped. Nine times out of ten, all a guy needs to feel is that he can go get some strange. Even if he does, it’s no big deal. After all, where’s he going to find another girl as cool as you?

Trust me. This is how you plant your flag without putting a leash on him.


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