On turning the first page

Six months ago, I moved to a new city after graduating. Five months ago, I met my best friend here, and he kissed me the first night we met but then told me he has a long distance girlfriend. Since then, we’ve spent a lot of time together, traveled together, and done a fair amount of drugs together. Additionally, we have been each other’s support for our respective anxiety/depression. Sometimes it feels like we’re friends, and sometimes he asks me to spend the night when we’re coming down and I do it because I want him and he’ll just ask me all the “what if” questions while we lay there spooning in our underwear. He’s the first person I’ve ever loved, and a few weeks ago I finally saw how unfair it is to me and to the girlfriend that he treats me like a girlfriend even though he has her. I realize I am not exempt from blame here because I should not have let myself fall for him and I should have drawn a line and held my ground when he would cross lines (to be clear other than the one kiss, no sexual line has been crossed, but lines have been crossed). Additionally, something that has been helping me to fall out of love with him is realizing how he doesn’t deal with his mental health problems in a healthy way- he tends to lash out at people, myself included, and then apologizes profusely and does it again a week later. But it’s hard to fall out of love with someone. What do I do now that I’ve realized all this? He is still my best friend here and I still want him in my life. There has been far more good than bad, and when he’s not being weird. which to be fair 90% of the time things are normal, he is an amazing friend.


This is really sweet.

You should know, this new friendship isn’t the first chapter of your adulthood. It’s barely the first page. You’ve got so much more headed your way, and if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll be fine.

Keep drawing those firm lines. Cultivate your moral center. Listen to you conscience, and don’t for one second let him or anyone else violate your boundaries. Savor the process of falling out of love more than you did the falling in part. There are so many deeper truths to learn on your way out of relationships than on your way into them.

Keep exploring. Learn. Grow. Enjoy the drugs, but don’t ever let them become the reason you show up to the party. Also, whatever you do, don’t let the anxiety and depression become a part of your identity. That’s your best friend’s problem. He defines himself by his mental disorders. You’ll see it eventually, and it will likely be the thing that finally extinguishes your romantic feelings. That’s okay, though. You’ll finally be able to turn your first page.

Of course, not to predict the future, but as soon as you’re done falling out of love, his long distance relationship will come to an ugly end and he’ll show up at your door making every overture you wished he would’ve made in the beginning.

If you’re smart, you’ll keep the page turned.


109 thoughts on “On turning the first page

  1. Chloe says:

    Congratulations on beginning to cultivate those moral lines. One activity which helps me in situations where a third party is involved (in your case, the girlfriend you became aware of) is to put myself in the third party’s position and ascertain how I’d feel in their position and if my actions would cause them any harm (emotional, mental, and so forth). That generally helps with making difficult decisions and guiding my moral compass, too. It also sounds like the guy lacks much integrity. I mean, if he’s unsatisfied with his long distance relationship, the best thing for all involved is to respectfully end that relationship and move on. Treat others how you’d want to be treated, right? I’m assuming that’s another element of why you wrote in. You’re not comfortable with the role you’ve been assigned and allowed yourself to inhabit in this scenario.

    LW, you haven’t specified either of your ages, but I’m assuming you’re both around your early twenties as you’ve recently graduated? Perhaps it’s an idea to begin considering distancing yourself for a brief period to see how you feel with some space from this particular situation and see if that gives you time to be objective. As for him being your best friend, in my limited experience, a friend wouldn’t want you to do something that hurts you or someone else (especially if that someone else is someone your friend allegedly cares about enough to be in a romantic relationship with – long distance or otherwise). Also, for someone dealing with anxiety, it sounds like he thrives on creating cloak-and-dagger scenarios which would only exarcerbate anxiety – having a friendship with you with romantic connotations in addition to a long distance relationship. I mean, does the long distance girlfriend even know of your existence, if you and her boyfriend are ‘best friends’?

  2. JC says:

    Guys who try to keep you in reserve are the worst. Run like hell, because even if you end up with him, he will be grooming the next woman at that point. If a guy acts with you in a way that you would not want him to act with another woman if you were his boyfriend, well, that’s telling you everything you need to know.

  3. ktk says:

    “He defines himself by his mental disorders. You’ll see it eventually, and it will likely be the thing that finally extinguishes your romantic feelings.”

    I’m really scared that this will happen to me and my SO. His confidence is so low, and he refuses to get treatment for his anxiety disorder because he swears it won’t help. This only comes up when we try to socialize together, and all other aspects of our relationship are incredibly fulfilling and stable and solid. But I’m so scared that this thing will end us.

    • Strangely Rational says:

      It doesn’t have to. The fact that you recognize it as a possible issue is a good sign!

      First, has he been seen by a mental health professional who diagnosed the anxiety disorder, or is this an assumption that you and/or he are making? I’d be very cautious about self-diagnosis. It can be right, or at least on the right track, but it needs to be confirmed.

      And consider the severity. Does he resist socializing with anyone? Does he have a problem with groups over a certain size? Public crowds vs. intimate gatherings? Is he just quiet when out? Or has he had an anxiety attack and needed to leave a party? Does he have anxiety in other situations that adversely affect his functionality, like a job?

      Because that covers a wide range between people with serious anxiety disorders that need treatment to misunderstood introverts. If you’re an extrovert, beware of that problem. Many extroverts don’t understand introverts and think that it’s some sort of disorder if they rarely feel like going out in a crowd or get exhausted by socializing and need to go home. As an introvert, I’ve encountered this misconception many, many times.

      Now, please understand that I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing! It’s just something I think is generally worth mentioning in a discussion about social anxiety.

      Anyway, if he does have a disorder that needs to be addressed because it’s causing problems with his ability to function out in the world, then it might help to talk to him about why he thinks treatment won’t help. Is he opposed to anti-anxiety medication? Is he concerned about side effects About addiction? That’s a legit concern with anti-anxiety meds, although there are a couple that aren’t as addictive that he might not be aware of.

      Might he be willing to try other methods of reducing anxiety, like practicing mindfulness?

      If you’re very concerned, I’d recommend talking to a therapist about it yourself. He or she can give you more insight about what you’re seeing, although they can’t diagnose him. But they may be able to give you suggestions on how to deal with it, like things you can do to encourage him, referrals, recommendations for books, etc. And it helps to have someone to talk to just to make sure you’re taking good care of yourself.

      • ktk says:

        Thank you so, so much for this thoughtful reply. I really appreciate it.

        I’m actually an introvert with a couple of anxiety disorders myself. I think that’s part of what makes this so frustrating—I know what’s worked for me, and I’m convinced that some combination of it (a good therapist, meditation, etc.) could work for him. But I need to remember that his brain and his path aren’t mine.

        As for what he’s opposed to…we’ve actually never discussed medication. I’ve mainly sung the praises of therapy a lot, and he just doesn’t think it will help. He’s tried meditation but it didn’t stick. He thinks he’s stuck this way, even though he has a very treatable (and diagnosed) mental illness.

        I do think I could (figuratively) throw some books at him, though. And you’re right—I TOTALLY need to be back in therapy myself. This issue probably is not as huge as my thought spirals make it seem.

        Again, thanks so much for wanting to help out a stranger on the internet. I’m glad you exist 🙂

        • Strangely Rational says:

          Aw, that’s no problem! The way I see it, we’re all here to help each other out, and it’s something I enjoy discussing. Maybe too much, as you can see by the length of my posts! 🙂

          Totally understand what you’re saying about the different paths. Definitely throw the books. Maybe even literally (kidding).

          I’m not sure if you’ve encountered this in therapy or any reading on the subject, but if not you might want to look up some info on dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to see if you think it might be useful for you and/or your SO. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a type of therapy that was originally developed for people with borderline personality disorder, but it has been found to have much wider applications than that.

          I’d describe it as practical, behavioral techniques with a twist of Zen, although with more accessible forms of mindfulness training than just straight-up meditation (which I could never seem to do myself either). One of my favorite exercises in the mindfulness segment is mindful eating, in which you slow down your eating and focus all your attention on all the flavors and sensations of the food. If you’ve never tried it, it’s incredible to notice how much of the complexity is lost by even a relatively small distraction like talking.

          There are tons of other exercises like that. Another favorite is “slow down.” Generally I have a breakneck pace even when I have no reason to rush, but when I force myself to slow down and stroll a bit, I find that it relieves a lot of anxiety just by itself. And then your standard breathing exercises, of course.

          The segment on distress tolerance is super helpful for anxiety as well, and emotion regulation is another segment I found extremely useful.

          It’s usually done in a group setting – mine used to meet once a week – or with an individual therapist, but that’s not necessary. There are books on the subject (just be sure not to get the ones aimed at group instructors), or there’s a website here that my instructor recommended for self study: I haven’t looked too deeper into other websites, though, so there’s probably a lot more out there.

          I’m talking DBT up primarily because it’s something that a lot of people are unfamiliar with, and it’s something that worked better for me than any therapy I’d had up to that point (and I’ve had a lot of therapy)! It was really life changing. But like anything else, it’s not for everyone so you might just want to take a look at it.

          The great thing about having similar issues is that you can read up on something and stealthily work it into conversation with your SO to see if it sparks any interest.

          Anyway, I hope things go well for you!

          • Chloe says:

            KTK, I mean, I hope things go well for you too, but, I’m still stumped how CQ didn’t throw her dictionary definition of cheating at you: “Willfully participating or conspiring to participate in an act of intimacy with the foreknowledge that your partner would reasonably consider that act to be a breach of the mutually understood and agreed upon terms of the relationship.” Because your ‘best friend’ is actively doing that to the letter and your actions over the last several months are aiding him to continue doing so. It’s also interesting how there was no reply to whether or not his long-distance girlfriend knows of your existence in my first comment to you as the LW. By which one could assume they’re not in an open relationship and you’re aware of this, otherwise, as your write, “lines wouldn’t have been crossed.” So it not only shows a lack of integrity on his part, but yours too. Furthermore, your lack of response to that salient quetion, it’s safe to assume she doesn’t know about you, at all. In which case, you’re basically his mistress, without the fucking. Which makes this scenario appear a whole lot less ‘sweet’ than it did, initially.

          • KTK says:

            Since I can’t respond to Chloe directly—I’m *not* the LW. I’m just an anxiety-ridden human in in a stable, boring ol’ LTR with an anxiety-ridden partner. No cheating, no “other woman,” no weird relationship with a best friend, no “lines crossed.” I just identified with part of CQ’s response to the question. 🙂

            This isn’t to say that the rest of your comment isn’t valid. Just wanted to point out that my issues/relationship are distinct from LW’s.

          • Chloe says:

            Hi KTK,

            I read your first comment at the start of the thread and misread it and thought it was the LW quoting from the text as though this was the LW focussing in on one specific segment particularly important to their question. My apologies.

  4. Gabriel says:

    You know what the number one tell that coke face is a total narccicist that I forgot to even touch on before? It’s the fact that this blog exists at all. That she presumes she can help anyone and everyone with their problems, even despite clearly not having training or credentials. It’s that she’s perfectly alright gambling with people’s wellbeing and even lives on the delusional notion that she is “always helping and never harming” her ‘patients’. What unbelievable self-rightcheous gall for a so called “well adjusted” person to have. Not a narccicst? Please open your fucking ears and eyes.

    • Chops says:

      “Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.”

      It’s right there in the tag line…

    • ktk says:

      She’s helped me. Countless times.

      It’s ridiculous to think a person needs “credentials” to help people. You just need empathy, a brain, and, in CQ’s case, a lovely way with words. I mean, really, have you never helped a friend in need? If not, you might be the asshole here.

      I, for one, am incredibly grateful for her & her writing & her drive to help people. Even though I don’t always agree with her (of course I don’t—we’re two separate people), her writing has always enriched my life, my heart and my mind. She’s a force for good in the universe, and no vitriol from you will change that.

      • Gabriel says:

        Yeah a force for good that has no problem being a bigot by shitting all over the male half of the population.

      • Strangely Rational says:

        I agree, she’s helped me a great deal too. I love how she ranges from being gentle and encouraging to giving you a kick in the ass when you might need one (and I’ve needed one so many times!). I can’t believe how often I’ve been reading her answer to someone else and was thinking how much I needed to hear whatever it was at that very moment.

    • Chris says:

      I’m not going to tell you that misandry and narcissism aren’t real and aren’t problems, because that would be bullshit. But I do think that you’re projecting your own biases onto what you read from Coke, instead of reading carefully and really understanding what she is trying to say.

    • Vgrr says:

      Are you still here?

      If you’re not getting anything out of this than your own masturbatory CQ bashing, just consider that we look on you like you’re a smelly homeless person on a bus who’s just wanking away. Some of us have pity, but mostly we just want you to get off the bus.

      You aren’t superior or even the slightest match.
      You’ve got a whiny little bitch chip on your shoulder with male supremacy.
      You’re projecting your own narcissism as evidenced by never pointing out a specific behavior that supports that insane claim.

      If anyone around here is “nothing,” it’s you. Because nothing you have been saying for the longest time has any merit and I don’t think you’ve helped anyone here let alone the casual readers who don’t waste their time on you.

      Stop being a rude little fuck.

      Gtfo broflake.

  5. Gabriel says:

    If she had any sense of morality or care for her fellow human beings she would shut down this experiment right now. My guess? The narccicist will quietly double down until the day she dies.

    • Monochromicorn says:

      Dude, I have so much curiosity about what the fuck is up with you. You are so weird. What are you even doing here? What are you like in person? Can you even keep a job? Friends? Do you consider yourself normal? Well adjusted? Smart? Are you outraged at everything? Is this some kind of kink for you? Did your girlfriend leave you after Coke told her to get the hell out? Are you really anal retentive or super lazy and sloppy? What kind of person does what you do on this website?

      I know I’m not supposed to feed the trolls, but everyone else does, so whatever.

      • Nona says:

        He’s probably in his early twenties, mostly online friends, other Red Pillers and MGTOW. Very sexually frustrated. Lives in his divorced dad’s basement, doesn’t earn much. Has read Ayn Rand, and thinks the world is unfair, but only to him. Also, all women are gold digging sluts, and should be limited to reproduction and housework. I hope he doesn’t own a gun, but he most likely does (this variety of men use guns to compensate for lack of sexual performance). Neocon religious right wing nut.
        How accurate was that Gabriel ? I’m sure I hit at least a few points.

        • Gabriel says:

          If you can find one person, mgtow,
          Red pill (both of whom are misguided and I am not in any way apart of), or otherwise, in the western world and under 70 and who sincerely wants women to be used for only reproduction and housemaking I will paypal you $100.

          • WhoAmI says:

            wow, you must make a fuckload of money selling dirty meth to be ready to lose a benjie that easy girl

          • Nona says:

            Hell that won’t be easy…
            Lol, who are we kidding, this is a piece of cake.
            You’ll be seeing me on r/CMV and other places on the internet. I’ll be expecting your generous donation soon. And it will work for the both of us, I’ll give you an even more extremist woman hater to bitch about women with (or as you call them whores). I might even find you a Lauren Southern type gf that will be willing, although unhappy to spend the rest of her life being your household prostitute and womb on limbs. Thank you, truly.
            And don’t forget me honey. When you come trolling here, a lot of people are older, or in an internet echo chamber, have only ever lived in one country, or haven’t had neo fascists try to murder them. They’re adorable and lovely, but I’m not them. I know everything about you and where you come from. It’s almost as if I could empathise. You don’t fucking scare me, and you shall not ruin my time on the internet or suppress the joy of women who create online dialogue, just because you are unhappy.

          • Nona says:

            It can’t all be true but some of it is. Hell what do you think? Gabriel’s situation is open to speculation. He’s acting like an injured animal protecting it’s den, we’re allowed to take a guess as what is inside. He won’t tell us.

          • monochromicorn says:

            I don’t know, that’s why its so facinating – and I mean that truly. Hell, if I could figure out trolls, maybe I could change the whole world.

            Hear that Gabriel? Your weird little psyche is the key to world peace. What’s up man? Who are you?

          • WhoAmI says:

            Monochromicorn : For what it’s worth, and speaking from my past experience as one, Trolls for the most part are just people who feel like they got robbed from something that never was theirs to take to begin with but was promised to them by the system or power figures in their lifes ; some form of privilege, “true love”, “true happiness”, full approval, full praise, a meaningful life, etc. (That’s why some of them think they were “red pilled”)

            From this, they conclude that the world is but a big joke and not worth caring about (I’d say only the first part of that statement is true) ; and so they go around the Internet trying to bring that same mentality in other people by belittling their care and/or what they care for, by mocking everything and everybody in the most shocking ways (or at least they try).
            That’s why the worst offense to them is people caring about something else than themselves honestly and vulnerably. They stopped doing that a long time ago because the potential pain was too much for them. If they seem to hate everyone else so much, it’s just because they hate themselves even more so.

            At least that’s what I got from being around them for a while.

    • JC says:

      So much WTF. Has any advice columnist ever been formally trained for that? Clearly someone is butthurt that others value CQ’s opinion and not their own. CQ would not have readers if she didn’t hold a mirror up to us, encourage us to be our best selves, and offer words of encouragement where needed. That someone would challenge her on these things blows my mind, but I guess trolls gotta troll. Based on his comments, he sounds like a MRA/PUA douche who has an issue with a smart and strong woman like CQ.

      • WhoAmI says:

        JC he doesn’t have an issue with Coquette, he just found a crowd (us) who would potentially reply to his trolls. Trolls don’t care about people or subjects.
        To them there are only the trolls, the people who feed the trolls, and the others.

        • JC says:

          He still sounds like a MRA/PUA POS. Personally, I find it more fun to have independent conversations about the troll rather than feeding the troll directly. Mocking and ignoring them burns, because they have no ability to control the narrative.

          • WhoAmI says:

            Having been a troll myself I find that the best way to react is to answer them as you would answer anyone else : if you feel like it.
            Doesn’t work for people who get easily offended though.

          • JC says:

            I guess I like to talk shit but not engage. I don’t see the point of arguing with someone like that, but openly mocking them is another story 🙂

  6. Cassandrala says:

    This was actually one of the more helpful, or at least validating posts from Coke. My very serious boyfriend with whom I was deeply in love and he with me, dumped me out of nowhere, and I knew he hadn’t thought it through and would come (crawling) back. Sure enough he did, making every overture I wished he had in the beginning, but as grand a gesture as it was, I couldn’t let him back in. I had realized all this shit about him and our relationship — all these deep truths — and truly savored the falling out of love. I kept the page turned, and it’s still a fight, but I know it’s best, and deep down you do too.

    They always come back, the bastards. They always come back.

    Thank you, coke. Deep truths. And thank you writer-inner. Keep that page turned.

    • Julia says:

      Yeah, I’ve had this sort of thing happen a few times. It’s good to have a no-backsies rule, in my experience. It’s never better the second time.

    • VeryOn says:

      Getting out of a relationship is sometimes like stepping out of a hot shower. It was comforting while you were in it, but once you towel off, don’t step back in…not even a little.

  7. Jessica Sen says:

    Bzz. I like the part about spooning in your underwear without kissing. It’s not easy cultivating a strong moral centre, we all have weaknesses.

  8. Nona says:

    How in frozen hell is helping a dude cheat on his LDR partner sweet ? I really don’t care for the OP, and the only advice I’d have is to get her head unstuck from her arse.
    She graduated. She’s at least 21-22 yo. She’s a grown up. She should be held accountable and if she can’t fall out of love with a two faced cheating a-hole, then she deserves every moment of trouble and heartbreak that ensues.

    • Lil Uzi Sacre Bleu says:

      He kissed her *then* told her he was in a relationship. Also, she *did* get her head unstuck from her ass by realizing this relationship wasn’t fair. She’s young and in love with this guy so she did not realize that.

    • Strangely Rational says:

      In terms of love and relationships, 21-22 is still really young; it’s just at the beginning of real-world, adult relationships. Good grief, even people who have a couple decades more experience sometimes find ourselves falling for either the wrong people or under the wrong circumstances (or both). Sometimes we don’t realize it until we’ve already made a mistake or – as is part of the human condition – our emotions sometimes refuse to be overruled by our heads and linger even after we’ve been able to make the more rational decision.

      It takes a TON of self awareness and strength just to recognize that this is going on and take steps to extract yourself. The LW has handled this better than a lot of people of any age. In the midst of dealing with mental illness, she’s had some good insights about herself and others, has demonstrated empathy, has accepted responsibility for her mistakes, has started to set boundaries, and is seeking advice from a more experienced person about some things she’s not sure about. All of this is pretty damn mature.

      On the other hand, in just this short post you’re exhibiting simplistic, black-and-white thinking, a lack of empathy, snap judgments, and what could be bitterness and/or moral superiority depending on whether you’ve had any personal experience that might be coloring your reaction.

      If you have been cheated on yourself, especially recently, it’s understandable that you’d be a bit triggered by this and I sympathize, but even so, you’re not in a good position to be pointing at this young lady and questioning why she’s not acting like more of a grown up.

    • WhoAmI says:

      I got my first boyfriend at around 21. Didn’t realize he was a lunatic, egocentric, exploitative little motherfucker until he broke up with me via extreme silent treatment.
      I was so much in love I just didn’t register all the clues and proofs as such during our relationship. Worst thing is, it wasn’t just infatuation or anything, we took ages to go out together or even do the deed.
      I just didn’t see that he was literally crazy because I was crazy (in love) too.

      I’m just saying : the feeling doesn’t help for clarity of mind. Never did. If anything, OP sounds like she was more lucid about the situation than many people of many ages can be so…

    • Nona says:

      I know 21 is young. But it’s the age of an adult, not a teenager or even a young adult. I am 21, and I am aware of the steep learning curve to becoming emotionally mature. But stop fucking coddling us. Our age group has the responsibility of fixing the environnement and our globalised society. You will be dead by the time shit hits the fan, we won’t. We need to be able to learn quick.
      Children learn by inventing stories. They are allowed to wallow in the misery they create in what I hope is a secure and caring little bubble. However annoying, tantrums are an essential part of their cognitive development. Adults don’t get this privilege. We learn from goddamn reality, and reality is fast paced, and needs you to get over yourself.

      To be clear, I’m not judging the OP. I’ve made the same mistake, and I know how hard it is to let go of someone you think you really like. I’m just saying that’s all it is, a mistake, get over it.

      • Nona says:

        Also, to Whoami, sorry about your shitty boyfriend. No offense intended, but guys can be assholes.
        To Strangely Rational. I’ve had quite a bit of sex, and only ever been in my current long term open relationship. I just don’t get cheated on. He tells me about stuff (doesn’t happen as often anymore – seeking out lovers is fucking tiring compared to the prospect of a glass of wine and House of Cards at home after a day of work), I’m​ glad he trusts me. If anything I identify with the cheaters on both sides. I’ve also had my fair share of mental illness. At this point I think it’s going to be one of these recurring thing for life, just like I dunno a bad knee. I understand my words may have seemed hurtful, but I want you to know I was thoughtful in writing them. I think having high standards for others is better than not caring. Let’s see whether that makes you like me more or less.

        • WhoAmI says:

          None taken, you know what they say ; if homosexuality really was a choice no man would be gay, cuz nobody in their right mind would want to only date men.

          • Nona says:

            I know… I thought I was gay for a while, turns out I’m bi. Even with all these incredibly intelligent, classy and gorgeous women walking around, I happened to fall in love with a dude. Who would of guessed ? Not me. Sometimes he’s so dude-y it makes me sigh. But all in all, I feel like I’m a winner in the lottery of sheer damn luck for finding a partner.

          • Nona says:

            He only makes me sigh, never cry. I love and adore him. He’s the wine to my cheese, the celery to my bloody mary, wait… I think this metaphor took a wrong turn.
            Anyways, I’m so happy when I’m with him, and I hope that you too, dear internet acquaintance, have people in your life that make you feel loved and cherished.

          • WhoAmI says:

            Honestly, tonight ? Not so much. But that’s what screwdrivers are for and I have a full bottle of em ! Cheers.

          • Nona says:

            Oh sweetie… dunno if this is at all helpful, but I love you in my own small way. You’re a great participant in this comment section and I’m always interested in what you have to say. It’s also nice to have another Frenchy round here with the barrage of Murricans. When you respond to my comments, you are always fair, and you’ve helped me learn when I made mistakes. So thanks, take care of yourself, and love from your internet acquaintance.
            (Also, not to be critical, but this is Spritz season. Screwdrivers are for automn. If you’re going to drown your feelings in alcohol, try to do it in a fashionable manner.)

        • WhoAmI says:

          Don’t worry, it was just one of those nights where everybody already had plans and I had nothing to do so I went a litlle drama queen over there.
          Also Aperol is nice and all but I get my share of it when I visit the Italian part of my family. :p

          (Thank you for the kind words too, Frenchies unite !)

      • Lil Uzi Sacre Bleu says:

        She is learning from reality. Literally no one is coddling. Who the fuck is coddling her? You’re mad because CQ’s response wasn’t as angry and unmerciful as you would’ve liked?

        I don’t really know what you it anyone else gets from this useless no-mercy-for-anyone mentality.

        • Nona says:

          I’ve said my piece. It’s understandable if you don’t get it (I’m sorry about your IQ score, didn’t win that lottery eh?). But if you don’t have anything to add, fuck off Mother Theresa.

          • Lil Uzi Sacréblue says:

            You took a girl writing in about a questionable friendship and extrapolated that to “fixing the environnement and our globalised society”. You’re accusing this girl of inventing stories, throwing tantrums, and being coddled. I just asked you to explain yourself.

            To be clear, I’m not the one insulting you. I’m the one asking you questions you obviously can’t fucking answer.

          • Nona says:

            I’m criticizing CQ not the OP. To be clear I do not expect the OP to be the next Pauli. The only thing I expect of anyone is to cultivate a moral sense of self awareness.

          • Nona says:

            Outside the window, the higher level of the atmosphere is full of clouds that look like shredded cotton. I can see storm clouds receding in the distance. Window faces the East, so the light is painfully bright post-dawn. Looking up to follow the movement and patterns of birds (crows and rock doves are forming temporary flocks now), then turning back to the computer is a fucking headache. The clouds were glowing in red, orange and purple in response to the dawning Sun. Now it is a beautiful fractal arrangement of blue and white with dark mysterious patches. I just heard the church bell, and it reminded me to go wake my lover.
            Really, do you still want to get into an unnecessary spat with me ?

          • FYI Nona, this bit of fluff you wrote, the purple prose that didn’t really communicate anything, kept switching tenses. The descriptions you used threw the tone all over the place. And using “cotton” to describe clouds is pretty banal.

            Just in case you were looking for some constructive criticism.

        • Nona says:

          Purple fucking prose ? Fuck you, it’s 3rd grader level, and it was intended as a gesture of peace in the name of shared experience.
          Sorry for your sadness. Cotton clouds are fucking amazing.
          You can shove your constructive criticism up your bottom. I don’t need or expect advice from a wacky liberal arts sophomore.

          • Some more unsolicited advice to help you as you mature: If you’re going to make a “gesture” of anything, make it about the person you’re “gesturing” to, rather than about yourself. This was incredibly pretentious.

          • WhoAmI says:

            @Mercy If that’s “incredibly pretentious”, I don’t know what your lack of understanding, second-guessing, humility and altogether insight is.

          • verySleep says:

            Consider that a gesture as a gesture is not an actual act of good faith in empathy. You ironically and unironically pointed out the flaw. I totally understand that you were trying to de-escalate, but you were straight back to hostility. I hope you understand that I am aware of, and guilty of, the exact same pattern. Was it a bit of a dick move to offer “constructive criticism?” Probably. And who else has done that?

            Patterns beget patterns.

            Welcome to the ourobouros of bitchery

          • WhoAmI says:

            Ouroboros Of Bitchery sounds like the title of a 9 minutes techno mashup of angry drag queens.

          • Nona says:

            I’ll have to argue I wrote everything in good faith. But begone with empathy, at its best it’s a style of communication. In no way can it deepen the conversation or even the bond between two people in any significant way. Not more than trying evoking the pleasurable experience of sunrise in any case.
            Talking about coming full circle, empathy doesn’t make for good advice, was all I was trying to say with my original comment.

            And whether it was a dick move or not, I honestly couldn’t care less. I got the chance to respond, and at the end of the day I harbour no bad feelings on my side.

          • WhoAmI says:

            “But begone with empathy, at its best it’s a style of communication. In no way can it deepen the conversation or even the bond between two people in any significant way.” See, I completely disagree here. You talk about empathy as if it was sympathy.

          • balls deep in the comments section of a month-old post says:

            Nona, you still didn’t explain how CQ is coddling this girl. She is not calling “helping someone cheat” sweet. I’m presuming CQ is referring to this girl’s first encounter with the painful and bittersweet complexity of relationships as “sweet”. CQ was also quite clear in her advice that this girl should “keep the page turned”, so she’s not even condoning the friendship, let alone cheating.

            And if we’re talking about fixing society, I think growth, accountability, and awareness (all of which this girl is exhibiting) will get us a lot further than vilification and scapegoating. She’s starting to see this relationship is “not fair” (in her words), and she deserves a chance to grow.

            To be clear, I don’t think your criticism of CQ comes from a bad place at all. I’ve been cheated on, I know the pain, and I know how helpless and awful it can feel when those complicit don’t show remorse or accountability. Relationships with other people are really all we have, and I don’t think that kind of betrayal should be taken lightly.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            Purple prose – a completely subjective term depending on how much you want to visualise based on the writing. Who the fuck are you to judge? Even if you were a literature professor, I will not accept that as authority. NO ONE is authority except for the reader. So, fuck you. I can tell you’re the type who will grow into a career of writing bitchy flaming literary reviews, but I’m sorry to tell you that the people who will buy the books will not give a dirty dime’s damn about what you have to say about it. Go back into your limited office of a hundred classic books, read and weep.

  9. Al says:

    Thank you for your lovely response, Coke. One of my favorite pastimes is cultivating my own response before reading yours. You’re so tactful, gentle, and kind. <3

  10. Marina says:

    “Additionally, something that has been helping me to fall out of love with him is realizing how he doesn’t deal with his mental health problems in a healthy way- he tends to lash out at people, myself included, and then apologizes profusely and does it again a week later”. Girl, I hope you fall out of love real fast.

  11. Lucy says:

    If this is just the first page, then what’s the first chapter? How should we perceive/structure our adult lives?

  12. Apricot says:

    “There are so many deeper truths to learn on your way out of relationships than on your way into them.”

    Christ I needed this.

    • Jessica Sen says:

      Hey what’s up, I just finished my first week at work in a 50 person video production company. It’s boring briefs and it tickles my balls to turn them into something fun. I like a lot of people here and there’s people who will smoke with me. It’s kind of intense because there’s so many persons to get to know and it will take time. My favourite part is client meetings because the adrenaline is so high and also being on set because lights, camera, action. I’ve been working on my project every night and it will take a quarter of a trillion of minutes of writing. Updates?

  13. Wrkrb says:

    Burn the blog to ash. At least turn off the fucking comment section. I’m ocd and checked it. I should have checked the checking behavior but didn’t.

  14. Jessica Sen says:

    1. I’ve just discovered Ravel. Holy shit. Disciplined yet free – how does he manage that?

    2. Bitches at my workplace. Yeah, what’s new – but I get palpitations from that shit. Advice?

    3. “Suffer fools gladly” – Yeah, great advice I got, but how the hell do I achieve that?

    • VeryOn says:

      Suffering fools gladly:

      I was working with this asshole that disregarded everything I suggested openly and with a smile. He never stopped smiling; no matter how huge a dick he was being. This was immensely infuriating because I went the extra mile and spent my own personal time to try to provide him with some options that were way better than his own work. He just smiled and trashed em. So I finally figured out how to cope with him. The same way he copes with me. Smiling.

      Under any circumstances, I was smiling when I talked to him. How? Because I made up a song I could sing to myself instead of listening to him.

      Hey you…
      …HEY yoooou
      You’re an aaaaAAssshole…
      …an asshole

      Brighter than the sun
      This isn’t any fun
      please fuck oooooofff

      Hey you…
      …HEY you
      You’re an asshole

      Brighter than the stars
      how did you get this far
      please fuck off

      Take a bubble bath in acid
      i hope your dick is always flacid
      burn in flames that have
      eeeever lasted

      pleaaaase fuck ooooooooooooff
      [orchestra swell]

      Seriously. This worked so well for me. I make up different lyrics when i can.

  15. Jessica Sen says:

    If any of you visit Southeast Asia, let me know. Drop me an email at and I’ll show you around. Don’t come to Singapore but we can meet in Thailand or Vietnam. I fucking love Coquette. She taught me how to make a proper cheese toastie as well as Chinese tea – shame on me, I’m Chinese.

  16. Laurene says:

    “There are so many deeper truths to learn on your way out of relationships than on your way into them.”

    Damn, thanks, Coke. <3

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