Six months ago, I moved to a new city after graduating. Five months ago, I met my best friend here, and he kissed me the first night we met but then told me he has a long distance girlfriend. Since then, we’ve spent a lot of time together, traveled together, and done a fair amount of drugs together. Additionally, we have been each other’s support for our respective anxiety/depression. Sometimes it feels like we’re friends, and sometimes he asks me to spend the night when we’re coming down and I do it because I want him and he’ll just ask me all the “what if” questions while we lay there spooning in our underwear. He’s the first person I’ve ever loved, and a few weeks ago I finally saw how unfair it is to me and to the girlfriend that he treats me like a girlfriend even though he has her. I realize I am not exempt from blame here because I should not have let myself fall for him and I should have drawn a line and held my ground when he would cross lines (to be clear other than the one kiss, no sexual line has been crossed, but lines have been crossed). Additionally, something that has been helping me to fall out of love with him is realizing how he doesn’t deal with his mental health problems in a healthy way- he tends to lash out at people, myself included, and then apologizes profusely and does it again a week later. But it’s hard to fall out of love with someone. What do I do now that I’ve realized all this? He is still my best friend here and I still want him in my life. There has been far more good than bad, and when he’s not being weird. which to be fair 90% of the time things are normal, he is an amazing friend.
This is really sweet.
You should know, this new friendship isn’t the first chapter of your adulthood. It’s barely the first page. You’ve got so much more headed your way, and if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll be fine.
Keep drawing those firm lines. Cultivate your moral center. Listen to you conscience, and don’t for one second let him or anyone else violate your boundaries. Savor the process of falling out of love more than you did the falling in part. There are so many deeper truths to learn on your way out of relationships than on your way into them.
Keep exploring. Learn. Grow. Enjoy the drugs, but don’t ever let them become the reason you show up to the party. Also, whatever you do, don’t let the anxiety and depression become a part of your identity. That’s your best friend’s problem. He defines himself by his mental disorders. You’ll see it eventually, and it will likely be the thing that finally extinguishes your romantic feelings. That’s okay, though. You’ll finally be able to turn your first page.
Of course, not to predict the future, but as soon as you’re done falling out of love, his long distance relationship will come to an ugly end and he’ll show up at your door making every overture you wished he would’ve made in the beginning.
If you’re smart, you’ll keep the page turned.
262 thoughts on “On turning the first page”
Congratulations on beginning to cultivate those moral lines. One activity which helps me in situations where a third party is involved (in your case, the girlfriend you became aware of) is to put myself in the third party’s position and ascertain how I’d feel in their position and if my actions would cause them any harm (emotional, mental, and so forth). That generally helps with making difficult decisions and guiding my moral compass, too. It also sounds like the guy lacks much integrity. I mean, if he’s unsatisfied with his long distance relationship, the best thing for all involved is to respectfully end that relationship and move on. Treat others how you’d want to be treated, right? I’m assuming that’s another element of why you wrote in. You’re not comfortable with the role you’ve been assigned and allowed yourself to inhabit in this scenario.
LW, you haven’t specified either of your ages, but I’m assuming you’re both around your early twenties as you’ve recently graduated? Perhaps it’s an idea to begin considering distancing yourself for a brief period to see how you feel with some space from this particular situation and see if that gives you time to be objective. As for him being your best friend, in my limited experience, a friend wouldn’t want you to do something that hurts you or someone else (especially if that someone else is someone your friend allegedly cares about enough to be in a romantic relationship with – long distance or otherwise). Also, for someone dealing with anxiety, it sounds like he thrives on creating cloak-and-dagger scenarios which would only exarcerbate anxiety – having a friendship with you with romantic connotations in addition to a long distance relationship. I mean, does the long distance girlfriend even know of your existence, if you and her boyfriend are ‘best friends’?
Guys who try to keep you in reserve are the worst. Run like hell, because even if you end up with him, he will be grooming the next woman at that point. If a guy acts with you in a way that you would not want him to act with another woman if you were his boyfriend, well, that’s telling you everything you need to know.
oops: boyfriend->girlfriend in that last sentence 🙂
“He defines himself by his mental disorders. You’ll see it eventually, and it will likely be the thing that finally extinguishes your romantic feelings.”
I’m really scared that this will happen to me and my SO. His confidence is so low, and he refuses to get treatment for his anxiety disorder because he swears it won’t help. This only comes up when we try to socialize together, and all other aspects of our relationship are incredibly fulfilling and stable and solid. But I’m so scared that this thing will end us.
It doesn’t have to. The fact that you recognize it as a possible issue is a good sign!
First, has he been seen by a mental health professional who diagnosed the anxiety disorder, or is this an assumption that you and/or he are making? I’d be very cautious about self-diagnosis. It can be right, or at least on the right track, but it needs to be confirmed.
And consider the severity. Does he resist socializing with anyone? Does he have a problem with groups over a certain size? Public crowds vs. intimate gatherings? Is he just quiet when out? Or has he had an anxiety attack and needed to leave a party? Does he have anxiety in other situations that adversely affect his functionality, like a job?
Because that covers a wide range between people with serious anxiety disorders that need treatment to misunderstood introverts. If you’re an extrovert, beware of that problem. Many extroverts don’t understand introverts and think that it’s some sort of disorder if they rarely feel like going out in a crowd or get exhausted by socializing and need to go home. As an introvert, I’ve encountered this misconception many, many times.
Now, please understand that I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing! It’s just something I think is generally worth mentioning in a discussion about social anxiety.
Anyway, if he does have a disorder that needs to be addressed because it’s causing problems with his ability to function out in the world, then it might help to talk to him about why he thinks treatment won’t help. Is he opposed to anti-anxiety medication? Is he concerned about side effects About addiction? That’s a legit concern with anti-anxiety meds, although there are a couple that aren’t as addictive that he might not be aware of.
Might he be willing to try other methods of reducing anxiety, like practicing mindfulness?
If you’re very concerned, I’d recommend talking to a therapist about it yourself. He or she can give you more insight about what you’re seeing, although they can’t diagnose him. But they may be able to give you suggestions on how to deal with it, like things you can do to encourage him, referrals, recommendations for books, etc. And it helps to have someone to talk to just to make sure you’re taking good care of yourself.
Thank you so, so much for this thoughtful reply. I really appreciate it.
I’m actually an introvert with a couple of anxiety disorders myself. I think that’s part of what makes this so frustrating—I know what’s worked for me, and I’m convinced that some combination of it (a good therapist, meditation, etc.) could work for him. But I need to remember that his brain and his path aren’t mine.
As for what he’s opposed to…we’ve actually never discussed medication. I’ve mainly sung the praises of therapy a lot, and he just doesn’t think it will help. He’s tried meditation but it didn’t stick. He thinks he’s stuck this way, even though he has a very treatable (and diagnosed) mental illness.
I do think I could (figuratively) throw some books at him, though. And you’re right—I TOTALLY need to be back in therapy myself. This issue probably is not as huge as my thought spirals make it seem.
Again, thanks so much for wanting to help out a stranger on the internet. I’m glad you exist 🙂
Aw, that’s no problem! The way I see it, we’re all here to help each other out, and it’s something I enjoy discussing. Maybe too much, as you can see by the length of my posts! 🙂
Totally understand what you’re saying about the different paths. Definitely throw the books. Maybe even literally (kidding).
I’m not sure if you’ve encountered this in therapy or any reading on the subject, but if not you might want to look up some info on dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to see if you think it might be useful for you and/or your SO. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a type of therapy that was originally developed for people with borderline personality disorder, but it has been found to have much wider applications than that.
I’d describe it as practical, behavioral techniques with a twist of Zen, although with more accessible forms of mindfulness training than just straight-up meditation (which I could never seem to do myself either). One of my favorite exercises in the mindfulness segment is mindful eating, in which you slow down your eating and focus all your attention on all the flavors and sensations of the food. If you’ve never tried it, it’s incredible to notice how much of the complexity is lost by even a relatively small distraction like talking.
There are tons of other exercises like that. Another favorite is “slow down.” Generally I have a breakneck pace even when I have no reason to rush, but when I force myself to slow down and stroll a bit, I find that it relieves a lot of anxiety just by itself. And then your standard breathing exercises, of course.
The segment on distress tolerance is super helpful for anxiety as well, and emotion regulation is another segment I found extremely useful.
It’s usually done in a group setting – mine used to meet once a week – or with an individual therapist, but that’s not necessary. There are books on the subject (just be sure not to get the ones aimed at group instructors), or there’s a website here that my instructor recommended for self study: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_lessons.html. I haven’t looked too deeper into other websites, though, so there’s probably a lot more out there.
I’m talking DBT up primarily because it’s something that a lot of people are unfamiliar with, and it’s something that worked better for me than any therapy I’d had up to that point (and I’ve had a lot of therapy)! It was really life changing. But like anything else, it’s not for everyone so you might just want to take a look at it.
The great thing about having similar issues is that you can read up on something and stealthily work it into conversation with your SO to see if it sparks any interest.
Anyway, I hope things go well for you!
KTK, I mean, I hope things go well for you too, but, I’m still stumped how CQ didn’t throw her dictionary definition of cheating at you: “Willfully participating or conspiring to participate in an act of intimacy with the foreknowledge that your partner would reasonably consider that act to be a breach of the mutually understood and agreed upon terms of the relationship.” Because your ‘best friend’ is actively doing that to the letter and your actions over the last several months are aiding him to continue doing so. It’s also interesting how there was no reply to whether or not his long-distance girlfriend knows of your existence in my first comment to you as the LW. By which one could assume they’re not in an open relationship and you’re aware of this, otherwise, as your write, “lines wouldn’t have been crossed.” So it not only shows a lack of integrity on his part, but yours too. Furthermore, your lack of response to that salient quetion, it’s safe to assume she doesn’t know about you, at all. In which case, you’re basically his mistress, without the fucking. Which makes this scenario appear a whole lot less ‘sweet’ than it did, initially.
Since I can’t respond to Chloe directly—I’m *not* the LW. I’m just an anxiety-ridden human in in a stable, boring ol’ LTR with an anxiety-ridden partner. No cheating, no “other woman,” no weird relationship with a best friend, no “lines crossed.” I just identified with part of CQ’s response to the question. 🙂
This isn’t to say that the rest of your comment isn’t valid. Just wanted to point out that my issues/relationship are distinct from LW’s.
I read your first comment at the start of the thread and misread it and thought it was the LW quoting from the text as though this was the LW focussing in on one specific segment particularly important to their question. My apologies.
You know what the number one tell that coke face is a total narccicist that I forgot to even touch on before? It’s the fact that this blog exists at all. That she presumes she can help anyone and everyone with their problems, even despite clearly not having training or credentials. It’s that she’s perfectly alright gambling with people’s wellbeing and even lives on the delusional notion that she is “always helping and never harming” her ‘patients’. What unbelievable self-rightcheous gall for a so called “well adjusted” person to have. Not a narccicst? Please open your fucking ears and eyes.
“Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.”
It’s right there in the tag line…
She’s helped me. Countless times.
It’s ridiculous to think a person needs “credentials” to help people. You just need empathy, a brain, and, in CQ’s case, a lovely way with words. I mean, really, have you never helped a friend in need? If not, you might be the asshole here.
I, for one, am incredibly grateful for her & her writing & her drive to help people. Even though I don’t always agree with her (of course I don’t—we’re two separate people), her writing has always enriched my life, my heart and my mind. She’s a force for good in the universe, and no vitriol from you will change that.
Yeah a force for good that has no problem being a bigot by shitting all over the male half of the population.
Oh, there it is.
Oh there it is: someone who decries clear misandry and therefore must be a misogynist. Makes sense to a moron, right?
It’s like clockwork.
Such a chuckle, this one gives me.
I agree, she’s helped me a great deal too. I love how she ranges from being gentle and encouraging to giving you a kick in the ass when you might need one (and I’ve needed one so many times!). I can’t believe how often I’ve been reading her answer to someone else and was thinking how much I needed to hear whatever it was at that very moment.
Learn. How. To. Spelll. The. God. Damn. Word.
Never, you trivial nothing.
Oh no, I feel so triggered now.
I’m not going to tell you that misandry and narcissism aren’t real and aren’t problems, because that would be bullshit. But I do think that you’re projecting your own biases onto what you read from Coke, instead of reading carefully and really understanding what she is trying to say.
Are you still here?
If you’re not getting anything out of this than your own masturbatory CQ bashing, just consider that we look on you like you’re a smelly homeless person on a bus who’s just wanking away. Some of us have pity, but mostly we just want you to get off the bus.
You aren’t superior or even the slightest match.
You’ve got a whiny little bitch chip on your shoulder with male supremacy.
You’re projecting your own narcissism as evidenced by never pointing out a specific behavior that supports that insane claim.
If anyone around here is “nothing,” it’s you. Because nothing you have been saying for the longest time has any merit and I don’t think you’ve helped anyone here let alone the casual readers who don’t waste their time on you.
Stop being a rude little fuck.
If she had any sense of morality or care for her fellow human beings she would shut down this experiment right now. My guess? The narccicist will quietly double down until the day she dies.
Still not how you spell it.
I luv u
Dude, I have so much curiosity about what the fuck is up with you. You are so weird. What are you even doing here? What are you like in person? Can you even keep a job? Friends? Do you consider yourself normal? Well adjusted? Smart? Are you outraged at everything? Is this some kind of kink for you? Did your girlfriend leave you after Coke told her to get the hell out? Are you really anal retentive or super lazy and sloppy? What kind of person does what you do on this website?
I know I’m not supposed to feed the trolls, but everyone else does, so whatever.
He’s probably in his early twenties, mostly online friends, other Red Pillers and MGTOW. Very sexually frustrated. Lives in his divorced dad’s basement, doesn’t earn much. Has read Ayn Rand, and thinks the world is unfair, but only to him. Also, all women are gold digging sluts, and should be limited to reproduction and housework. I hope he doesn’t own a gun, but he most likely does (this variety of men use guns to compensate for lack of sexual performance). Neocon religious right wing nut.
How accurate was that Gabriel ? I’m sure I hit at least a few points.
If you can find one person, mgtow,
Red pill (both of whom are misguided and I am not in any way apart of), or otherwise, in the western world and under 70 and who sincerely wants women to be used for only reproduction and housemaking I will paypal you $100.
wow, you must make a fuckload of money selling dirty meth to be ready to lose a benjie that easy girl
Contest is open to you too, nothingness.
Hell that won’t be easy…
Lol, who are we kidding, this is a piece of cake.
You’ll be seeing me on r/CMV and other places on the internet. I’ll be expecting your generous donation soon. And it will work for the both of us, I’ll give you an even more extremist woman hater to bitch about women with (or as you call them whores). I might even find you a Lauren Southern type gf that will be willing, although unhappy to spend the rest of her life being your household prostitute and womb on limbs. Thank you, truly.
And don’t forget me honey. When you come trolling here, a lot of people are older, or in an internet echo chamber, have only ever lived in one country, or haven’t had neo fascists try to murder them. They’re adorable and lovely, but I’m not them. I know everything about you and where you come from. It’s almost as if I could empathise. You don’t fucking scare me, and you shall not ruin my time on the internet or suppress the joy of women who create online dialogue, just because you are unhappy.
So now your shtick is that I’m an empty husk of a human being ? Aww, that’s cute.
I doubt that’s all true.
It can’t all be true but some of it is. Hell what do you think? Gabriel’s situation is open to speculation. He’s acting like an injured animal protecting it’s den, we’re allowed to take a guess as what is inside. He won’t tell us.
I don’t know, that’s why its so facinating – and I mean that truly. Hell, if I could figure out trolls, maybe I could change the whole world.
Hear that Gabriel? Your weird little psyche is the key to world peace. What’s up man? Who are you?
Monochromicorn : For what it’s worth, and speaking from my past experience as one, Trolls for the most part are just people who feel like they got robbed from something that never was theirs to take to begin with but was promised to them by the system or power figures in their lifes ; some form of privilege, “true love”, “true happiness”, full approval, full praise, a meaningful life, etc. (That’s why some of them think they were “red pilled”)
From this, they conclude that the world is but a big joke and not worth caring about (I’d say only the first part of that statement is true) ; and so they go around the Internet trying to bring that same mentality in other people by belittling their care and/or what they care for, by mocking everything and everybody in the most shocking ways (or at least they try).
That’s why the worst offense to them is people caring about something else than themselves honestly and vulnerably. They stopped doing that a long time ago because the potential pain was too much for them. If they seem to hate everyone else so much, it’s just because they hate themselves even more so.
At least that’s what I got from being around them for a while.
And if a life of meaning is one of toil, reflection, and sacrifice. You, coke face, are truly fucked.
We all ride the wheel of pain.
Some of us don’t smear our excrement while being dragged in a circle.
Coke face has avoided pain her whole life, I can tell because I’ve done damn near the opposite. The threshold is orders of magnitude in difference between the two of us.
You know, for someone obsessed with calling Coke a narcissist, you sure seem to think nobody exists but yourself.
I’d like to remind everyone that CT’s advice is not to engage with idiots in the comments .
So much WTF. Has any advice columnist ever been formally trained for that? Clearly someone is butthurt that others value CQ’s opinion and not their own. CQ would not have readers if she didn’t hold a mirror up to us, encourage us to be our best selves, and offer words of encouragement where needed. That someone would challenge her on these things blows my mind, but I guess trolls gotta troll. Based on his comments, he sounds like a MRA/PUA douche who has an issue with a smart and strong woman like CQ.
JC he doesn’t have an issue with Coquette, he just found a crowd (us) who would potentially reply to his trolls. Trolls don’t care about people or subjects.
To them there are only the trolls, the people who feed the trolls, and the others.
He still sounds like a MRA/PUA POS. Personally, I find it more fun to have independent conversations about the troll rather than feeding the troll directly. Mocking and ignoring them burns, because they have no ability to control the narrative.
Having been a troll myself I find that the best way to react is to answer them as you would answer anyone else : if you feel like it.
Doesn’t work for people who get easily offended though.
I guess I like to talk shit but not engage. I don’t see the point of arguing with someone like that, but openly mocking them is another story 🙂
You’re totally right. Just got defensive, like a dingus.
Argh…if only I had read this first!
This was actually one of the more helpful, or at least validating posts from Coke. My very serious boyfriend with whom I was deeply in love and he with me, dumped me out of nowhere, and I knew he hadn’t thought it through and would come (crawling) back. Sure enough he did, making every overture I wished he had in the beginning, but as grand a gesture as it was, I couldn’t let him back in. I had realized all this shit about him and our relationship — all these deep truths — and truly savored the falling out of love. I kept the page turned, and it’s still a fight, but I know it’s best, and deep down you do too.
They always come back, the bastards. They always come back.
Thank you, coke. Deep truths. And thank you writer-inner. Keep that page turned.
Yeah, I’ve had this sort of thing happen a few times. It’s good to have a no-backsies rule, in my experience. It’s never better the second time.
Getting out of a relationship is sometimes like stepping out of a hot shower. It was comforting while you were in it, but once you towel off, don’t step back in…not even a little.
I LOVE this analogy
Bzz. I like the part about spooning in your underwear without kissing. It’s not easy cultivating a strong moral centre, we all have weaknesses.
How in frozen hell is helping a dude cheat on his LDR partner sweet ? I really don’t care for the OP, and the only advice I’d have is to get her head unstuck from her arse.
She graduated. She’s at least 21-22 yo. She’s a grown up. She should be held accountable and if she can’t fall out of love with a two faced cheating a-hole, then she deserves every moment of trouble and heartbreak that ensues.
He kissed her *then* told her he was in a relationship. Also, she *did* get her head unstuck from her ass by realizing this relationship wasn’t fair. She’s young and in love with this guy so she did not realize that.
In terms of love and relationships, 21-22 is still really young; it’s just at the beginning of real-world, adult relationships. Good grief, even people who have a couple decades more experience sometimes find ourselves falling for either the wrong people or under the wrong circumstances (or both). Sometimes we don’t realize it until we’ve already made a mistake or – as is part of the human condition – our emotions sometimes refuse to be overruled by our heads and linger even after we’ve been able to make the more rational decision.
It takes a TON of self awareness and strength just to recognize that this is going on and take steps to extract yourself. The LW has handled this better than a lot of people of any age. In the midst of dealing with mental illness, she’s had some good insights about herself and others, has demonstrated empathy, has accepted responsibility for her mistakes, has started to set boundaries, and is seeking advice from a more experienced person about some things she’s not sure about. All of this is pretty damn mature.
On the other hand, in just this short post you’re exhibiting simplistic, black-and-white thinking, a lack of empathy, snap judgments, and what could be bitterness and/or moral superiority depending on whether you’ve had any personal experience that might be coloring your reaction.
If you have been cheated on yourself, especially recently, it’s understandable that you’d be a bit triggered by this and I sympathize, but even so, you’re not in a good position to be pointing at this young lady and questioning why she’s not acting like more of a grown up.
I got my first boyfriend at around 21. Didn’t realize he was a lunatic, egocentric, exploitative little motherfucker until he broke up with me via extreme silent treatment.
I was so much in love I just didn’t register all the clues and proofs as such during our relationship. Worst thing is, it wasn’t just infatuation or anything, we took ages to go out together or even do the deed.
I just didn’t see that he was literally crazy because I was crazy (in love) too.
I’m just saying : the feeling doesn’t help for clarity of mind. Never did. If anything, OP sounds like she was more lucid about the situation than many people of many ages can be so…
I know 21 is young. But it’s the age of an adult, not a teenager or even a young adult. I am 21, and I am aware of the steep learning curve to becoming emotionally mature. But stop fucking coddling us. Our age group has the responsibility of fixing the environnement and our globalised society. You will be dead by the time shit hits the fan, we won’t. We need to be able to learn quick.
Children learn by inventing stories. They are allowed to wallow in the misery they create in what I hope is a secure and caring little bubble. However annoying, tantrums are an essential part of their cognitive development. Adults don’t get this privilege. We learn from goddamn reality, and reality is fast paced, and needs you to get over yourself.
To be clear, I’m not judging the OP. I’ve made the same mistake, and I know how hard it is to let go of someone you think you really like. I’m just saying that’s all it is, a mistake, get over it.
Also, to Whoami, sorry about your shitty boyfriend. No offense intended, but guys can be assholes.
To Strangely Rational. I’ve had quite a bit of sex, and only ever been in my current long term open relationship. I just don’t get cheated on. He tells me about stuff (doesn’t happen as often anymore – seeking out lovers is fucking tiring compared to the prospect of a glass of wine and House of Cards at home after a day of work), I’m glad he trusts me. If anything I identify with the cheaters on both sides. I’ve also had my fair share of mental illness. At this point I think it’s going to be one of these recurring thing for life, just like I dunno a bad knee. I understand my words may have seemed hurtful, but I want you to know I was thoughtful in writing them. I think having high standards for others is better than not caring. Let’s see whether that makes you like me more or less.
None taken, you know what they say ; if homosexuality really was a choice no man would be gay, cuz nobody in their right mind would want to only date men.
I know… I thought I was gay for a while, turns out I’m bi. Even with all these incredibly intelligent, classy and gorgeous women walking around, I happened to fall in love with a dude. Who would of guessed ? Not me. Sometimes he’s so dude-y it makes me sigh. But all in all, I feel like I’m a winner in the lottery of sheer damn luck for finding a partner.
As long as it only makes you sigh ;/
He only makes me sigh, never cry. I love and adore him. He’s the wine to my cheese, the celery to my bloody mary, wait… I think this metaphor took a wrong turn.
Anyways, I’m so happy when I’m with him, and I hope that you too, dear internet acquaintance, have people in your life that make you feel loved and cherished.
Honestly, tonight ? Not so much. But that’s what screwdrivers are for and I have a full bottle of em ! Cheers.
Oh sweetie… dunno if this is at all helpful, but I love you in my own small way. You’re a great participant in this comment section and I’m always interested in what you have to say. It’s also nice to have another Frenchy round here with the barrage of Murricans. When you respond to my comments, you are always fair, and you’ve helped me learn when I made mistakes. So thanks, take care of yourself, and love from your internet acquaintance.
(Also, not to be critical, but this is Spritz season. Screwdrivers are for automn. If you’re going to drown your feelings in alcohol, try to do it in a fashionable manner.)
Don’t worry, it was just one of those nights where everybody already had plans and I had nothing to do so I went a litlle drama queen over there.
Also Aperol is nice and all but I get my share of it when I visit the Italian part of my family. :p
(Thank you for the kind words too, Frenchies unite !)
Drama queen ? Nah, that was nothing. Try talking to me on my period.
She is learning from reality. Literally no one is coddling. Who the fuck is coddling her? You’re mad because CQ’s response wasn’t as angry and unmerciful as you would’ve liked?
I don’t really know what you it anyone else gets from this useless no-mercy-for-anyone mentality.
I’ve said my piece. It’s understandable if you don’t get it (I’m sorry about your IQ score, didn’t win that lottery eh?). But if you don’t have anything to add, fuck off Mother Theresa.
You took a girl writing in about a questionable friendship and extrapolated that to “fixing the environnement and our globalised society”. You’re accusing this girl of inventing stories, throwing tantrums, and being coddled. I just asked you to explain yourself.
To be clear, I’m not the one insulting you. I’m the one asking you questions you obviously can’t fucking answer.
I’m criticizing CQ not the OP. To be clear I do not expect the OP to be the next Pauli. The only thing I expect of anyone is to cultivate a moral sense of self awareness.
Outside the window, the higher level of the atmosphere is full of clouds that look like shredded cotton. I can see storm clouds receding in the distance. Window faces the East, so the light is painfully bright post-dawn. Looking up to follow the movement and patterns of birds (crows and rock doves are forming temporary flocks now), then turning back to the computer is a fucking headache. The clouds were glowing in red, orange and purple in response to the dawning Sun. Now it is a beautiful fractal arrangement of blue and white with dark mysterious patches. I just heard the church bell, and it reminded me to go wake my lover.
Really, do you still want to get into an unnecessary spat with me ?
FYI Nona, this bit of fluff you wrote, the purple prose that didn’t really communicate anything, kept switching tenses. The descriptions you used threw the tone all over the place. And using “cotton” to describe clouds is pretty banal.
Just in case you were looking for some constructive criticism.
Purple fucking prose ? Fuck you, it’s 3rd grader level, and it was intended as a gesture of peace in the name of shared experience.
Sorry for your sadness. Cotton clouds are fucking amazing.
You can shove your constructive criticism up your bottom. I don’t need or expect advice from a wacky liberal arts sophomore.
Some more unsolicited advice to help you as you mature: If you’re going to make a “gesture” of anything, make it about the person you’re “gesturing” to, rather than about yourself. This was incredibly pretentious.
If you say so.
@Mercy If that’s “incredibly pretentious”, I don’t know what your lack of understanding, second-guessing, humility and altogether insight is.
Consider that a gesture as a gesture is not an actual act of good faith in empathy. You ironically and unironically pointed out the flaw. I totally understand that you were trying to de-escalate, but you were straight back to hostility. I hope you understand that I am aware of, and guilty of, the exact same pattern. Was it a bit of a dick move to offer “constructive criticism?” Probably. And who else has done that?
Patterns beget patterns.
Welcome to the ourobouros of bitchery
Ouroboros Of Bitchery sounds like the title of a 9 minutes techno mashup of angry drag queens.
I’ll have to argue I wrote everything in good faith. But begone with empathy, at its best it’s a style of communication. In no way can it deepen the conversation or even the bond between two people in any significant way. Not more than trying evoking the pleasurable experience of sunrise in any case.
Talking about coming full circle, empathy doesn’t make for good advice, was all I was trying to say with my original comment.
And whether it was a dick move or not, I honestly couldn’t care less. I got the chance to respond, and at the end of the day I harbour no bad feelings on my side.
Empathy will save us all; but i don’t care what you think
“But begone with empathy, at its best it’s a style of communication. In no way can it deepen the conversation or even the bond between two people in any significant way.” See, I completely disagree here. You talk about empathy as if it was sympathy.
Nona, you still didn’t explain how CQ is coddling this girl. She is not calling “helping someone cheat” sweet. I’m presuming CQ is referring to this girl’s first encounter with the painful and bittersweet complexity of relationships as “sweet”. CQ was also quite clear in her advice that this girl should “keep the page turned”, so she’s not even condoning the friendship, let alone cheating.
And if we’re talking about fixing society, I think growth, accountability, and awareness (all of which this girl is exhibiting) will get us a lot further than vilification and scapegoating. She’s starting to see this relationship is “not fair” (in her words), and she deserves a chance to grow.
To be clear, I don’t think your criticism of CQ comes from a bad place at all. I’ve been cheated on, I know the pain, and I know how helpless and awful it can feel when those complicit don’t show remorse or accountability. Relationships with other people are really all we have, and I don’t think that kind of betrayal should be taken lightly.
Purple prose – a completely subjective term depending on how much you want to visualise based on the writing. Who the fuck are you to judge? Even if you were a literature professor, I will not accept that as authority. NO ONE is authority except for the reader. So, fuck you. I can tell you’re the type who will grow into a career of writing bitchy flaming literary reviews, but I’m sorry to tell you that the people who will buy the books will not give a dirty dime’s damn about what you have to say about it. Go back into your limited office of a hundred classic books, read and weep.
Thank you for your lovely response, Coke. One of my favorite pastimes is cultivating my own response before reading yours. You’re so tactful, gentle, and kind. <3
“Additionally, something that has been helping me to fall out of love with him is realizing how he doesn’t deal with his mental health problems in a healthy way- he tends to lash out at people, myself included, and then apologizes profusely and does it again a week later”. Girl, I hope you fall out of love real fast.
If this is your best friend, who is your worst enemy?
Coke, is that what happened with your co-worker?
If this is just the first page, then what’s the first chapter? How should we perceive/structure our adult lives?
We can’t because we don’t know, and neither does CQ. The OP could actually be living her whole story right now if she doesn’t choose to grow and move on.
“There are so many deeper truths to learn on your way out of relationships than on your way into them.”
Christ I needed this.
Hey what’s up, I just finished my first week at work in a 50 person video production company. It’s boring briefs and it tickles my balls to turn them into something fun. I like a lot of people here and there’s people who will smoke with me. It’s kind of intense because there’s so many persons to get to know and it will take time. My favourite part is client meetings because the adrenaline is so high and also being on set because lights, camera, action. I’ve been working on my project every night and it will take a quarter of a trillion of minutes of writing. Updates?
Burn the blog to ash. At least turn off the fucking comment section. I’m ocd and checked it. I should have checked the checking behavior but didn’t.
So the solution for your problem is to change other people’s reality?
Help help…someone replied again.
Uhhhh, yeah. What of it?
Oh fuck. Terribly sorry about your OCD. I would have restrained myself if not for the fact. It’s terrible that an event that you are optionally subjected to disagrees with you.
1. I’ve just discovered Ravel. Holy shit. Disciplined yet free – how does he manage that?
2. Bitches at my workplace. Yeah, what’s new – but I get palpitations from that shit. Advice?
3. “Suffer fools gladly” – Yeah, great advice I got, but how the hell do I achieve that?
Suffering fools gladly:
I was working with this asshole that disregarded everything I suggested openly and with a smile. He never stopped smiling; no matter how huge a dick he was being. This was immensely infuriating because I went the extra mile and spent my own personal time to try to provide him with some options that were way better than his own work. He just smiled and trashed em. So I finally figured out how to cope with him. The same way he copes with me. Smiling.
Under any circumstances, I was smiling when I talked to him. How? Because I made up a song I could sing to myself instead of listening to him.
You’re an aaaaAAssshole…
Brighter than the sun
This isn’t any fun
please fuck oooooofff
You’re an asshole
Brighter than the stars
how did you get this far
please fuck off
Take a bubble bath in acid
i hope your dick is always flacid
burn in flames that have
pleaaaase fuck ooooooooooooff
Seriously. This worked so well for me. I make up different lyrics when i can.
It never happened before I SWEAr.
@whoami you know, I’m just feeling a lot of stress, and there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s me…
If any of you visit Southeast Asia, let me know. Drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll show you around. Don’t come to Singapore but we can meet in Thailand or Vietnam. I fucking love Coquette. She taught me how to make a proper cheese toastie as well as Chinese tea – shame on me, I’m Chinese.
“There are so many deeper truths to learn on your way out of relationships than on your way into them.”
Damn, thanks, Coke. <3
oh my god please just come back already
Miss ya Cokester x
Two months and counting…I hope life is treating you well.
I keep resolving to not check this page for the next month…then another month passed. I’m assuming this blog is all but done now. It had a good run.
No, have faith. She would have said goodbye.
I hope so. I don’t think I’m a good judge of this, but she’s always saying to act with integrity, and saying goodbye seems to be the sort of thing reflective of having it.
I saw you post a while back that you discovered Ravel. You might like the Medtner E-minor and F-minor sonatas.
I’d like to note for the sake of nuance that politeness and integrity are not necessarily married though they do seem like a good couple.
“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”
“Nah. I’ve been busy doing major life shit. I’ll be back for real later in the year.”-Cqt
For some reason I’ve been under the impression this meant September…but no factual evidence can be found that would support that conjecture.
I suppose that’s because for a lot of people, the first 20 or so years of their life goes in cycles that start in September.
I think maybe she’s gone. I hope that means that wonderous things are happening in her life. I am sure she will pen us a long and heartfelt goodbye.
Hey Coke, don’t burn your toast, don’t hurt your feet, don’t get arrested.
Guys, calm down.
This blog isn’t done. It’s simply transformed into a promotional tool and is being used as such, and is updated when the analytics metrics suggest interest is lagging or peaking.
For a start, she’s needs to keep her following because she’s still got merch, in the form of a novel, that she needs us to buy because without the blogs to promote forthcoming merchandise and drip feeding her fans, future projects are dead in the water.
Damn Chloe, Coquette’s absence is really hitting you where it hurts, huh?
…or the liberal arts degree?
She feels betrayed by CQ’s absence and has concocted an angry (and poor) explanation in an attempt to devalue CQ.
She’s trying to make herself feel better by telling herself CQ is just another soulless blog owner focused only on revenue.
Maybe she read a post that hit too close to home or made her feel small, or maybe she just takes things personally. I dunno.
The blog is the merch, you moron, and it’s free.
Obviously, I’m not as invested in this blog as some readers. After seeing the book of Dear Coquette being published a year ago, I’m cautiously optimistic for CQ’s return and hope CQ does come back soon as I appreciate her point of view on world events, new music finds and popular culture. That being said, all I attempted to display in my previous comment was a dose of healthy cynicism to counteract what I interpreted as OMG the sky is falling by fellow commenters. It’s reasonable to assume from the time of the best of’s publication that this blog developed another purpose, that of a promotional tool in addition to answering reader’s submissions and assisting them with the subjects of their questions, which could be attributed to the increased awareness of Dear Coquette in comparison to CQ’s personal blog and that since the best of’s publication, everything has .dearcoquette.com in it’s URL.
If my theory is correct, to summarise: an in-house or external marketing department/executive tasked with the account would – after conducting various PESTLE, SWOT, competitor and customer analyses – eventually segment the target market and use the most appropriate promotional tool (this blog) as part of the marketing mix to reach the majority of their client’s (CQ) consumer base and it’s various demographics (readers) after the launch of their product/service (the best of book) and dependent upon the product/service supplied and its success, decide upon the most appropriate media strategy (e.g. flighting, pulsing or continuous). A pulse strategy is where there is some activity (posting) during all periods of a calendar year, however, there are periods in which the activity is notably more than others (e.g. when interest begins to wane (a drop in readers)/when a product needs to be launched).
Veryon my degree is in business and economics. I’m not quite sure what that has to do with anything, though? I have no vested interest financial or otherwise in this blog other than the earlier stated reasons why I enjoy CQ’s work (and yes, I did assume you were being sarcastic).
Jessica, that post you quoted is from several years ago, relating to a totally different scenario than the one being discussed above and long before Tumblr deleted all of CQ’s blogs which had the silver lining of increased media interest in her work and subsequently her book deal. Things and motives could have changed in that time but funnily enough, the dictionary definition of merchandise didn’t. So, LMGTFY: merchandise definition. The blog is, and in some way probably always has been a promotional tool, I mean, as CQ said herself a year after the blog’s creation and climbing interest in popularity, “At the time, I didn’t know I was creating a goddamned personal brand.”
My piece on my stint at the psych ward has gone live:
Comments on my writing welcome.
The response I provided to your statements several days ago is actually still waiting CQ’s approval for the three of you who are interested. I said everything I intended to say in that comment, awaiting moderation, and therefore, will not be replying further. However, Red Phantom, I hope you’ll find my statements and observations in that as yet unpublished comment lucid and erudite as opposed to poor and angry. Jessica, you write with a clear voice and I’m glad you’re out of the psychiatric ward and were able to make something positive and creative from the experience. I truly enjoyed reading you article/essay. I hope you’ll keep us all aware of anything new you publish in print or online.
Please excuse my spelling mistake, that should totally say ‘your’ not ‘you’, Jessica.
If it hasn’t been published, it’s unlikely to be lucid or erudite.
I’ve had plenty of comments unpublished and have a sense of the type of moderation Coke does.
On the bright side, if Coke is moderating, she’s alive!
Thanks Chloe for your kind comments.
Jessica, you’re welcome, regarding my comments about your work. However, as I’m sure CQ can confirm when she does access her WordPress account to allow my post to be displayed in her comments section: There’s a feature in WordPress, which it appears CQ decided to utilise, where comments with more than one URL are automatically not displayed, and the site owner(s) are instead sent a notification email to moderate the content and decide if the URLs are acceptable. (In this case, it was a link to one of CQ’s blog posts and LMGTFY regarding the dictionary definition of the word ‘merchandise’.) The implementation of this feature is for the purpose of ensuring no spam/malware links are included in the contents of comments to protect site visitors, not because of a particular post’s contents and that is why the comment I referred to hasn’t been posted yet – though, I’m sure CQ has other ways she monitors content posted on her website – as I’m still able to see my comment awaiting moderation when I enter any further responses.
So she’s dead? It’s just robots moderating us? 🙁
I think she’s taking an extended leave of absence, Jessica.
She’ll be back when she’s ready 🙂
When she’s ready?
Or “when analytics metrics suggest interest is lagging or peaking”?
If you want to be a bitch, at least be consistent about it.
She’s fine btw.
I just saw a photo of her ten toes.
I wasn’t being a bitch.
I have a differing point of view on a situation than you do, Jessica and my statement regarding interest peaking/lagging was based on what I know of media strategy, which usually makes up part of an advertising/marketing/communications/content delivery department’s plan for an in-house product/service or an external client’s product/service when deciding how their promotional messages will reach their consumer base.
For instance, there are several types of media strategy, such as, flighting, pulsing or continuous. A pulse strategy is where there is some activity (posting) during all periods of a calendar year, however, there are periods in which the activity is notably more than others (e.g. when interest begins to wane (a drop in readers)/when a product needs to be launched), which is why I referenced future works, in the form of merchandise e.g. a novel that she’s spoken about over the past few years, assuming that from the time of the best of’s publication that this blog developed another purpose, that of a promotional tool in addition to answering reader’s submissions and assisting them with the subjects of their questions, which could be attributed to the increased awareness of Dear Coquette in comparison to CQ’s personal blog and that since the best of’s publication, everything has .dearcoquette.com in it’s URL. Although, the blog is, and in some way probably always has been a promotional tool, I mean, as CQ said herself a year after the blog’s creation and climbing interest in popularity, “At the time, I didn’t know I was creating a goddamned personal brand.” And what is the purpose of promotiong your merchandise that you sell to your consumers? To generate sales and create brand loyalty.
If I was being a bitch I’d have stated before, when you called me a moron, that you’re clearly still unhinged and that the people in white coats should have kept you locked in the psychiatric ward at the nuthouse as your mental state appears to hinge on whether or not an anyonymous advice columnist posts a blog entry on their advice site.
In my last response to you, I was trying to empathise with what I assumed was your state of mind at that time re: “So she’s dead. It’s just robots moderating us? :(”
In future, I won’t bother.
I’m sure you’ll make much more sense once my lobotomy is complete.
Fuck your dictionary.
Commerce doesn’t always involve cash.
Coke, where the hell are you??? Come back, please.
Chill the fuck out people. Coke has an actual life, another job, and she’s probably dealing with some personal shit. Show some dignity and shut up.
I believe the word you’re looking for is respect, not dignity.
Perhaps self respect rather than dignity or respect ? I don’t hold a Kantian view on the matter.
i have no dignity. Only desperation.
It’s better than being desperately dignified.
The self is an illusion, there is no scientific basis for a distinction in what happens inside or outside of you. Asking for what makes you act better in a moral sense is my soft definition of dignity.
You know what would be amazing, if she was running for govt.
Is anyone in England, more specifically Yorkshire area?
You have to say where in Yorkshire to elicit a response. Just the general subdivision, not any info that would affect your safety.
That’s as specific as I’ll get. I left my email before for occasions like this.
Eerily quiet here.
I guess it’s like hanging out in someone’s house when they’re not home.
Coke, where do you keep the rum?
Shhh. Appreciate what might be the wee hours of a new day, or the ruins of a once great civilization.
That’s me trying to say it’s just another new day. Nothing is ruined here.
Can y’all chill for a sec ?
Jessica Sen is the worst thing to ever hit the comment section. I’d take Gabriel over her anyday.
That is uncalled for and you are a mean spirited bully. Get the hell out of here.
I would argue that anyone calling themselves “truth” and engaging in unwarranted attacks is “the worst thing to hit the comment section.”
She’s writing her novel, you guys.
She’s not neglecting us – she’s writing for us.
There’s no need for graveyard silence, and never will there be. Dear Coquette is much bigger than the Coquette. It’s all of us.
Best news all week! Thanks for sharing.
It’s likely to be published under her real name, not The Coquette. But we’ll find her, just like she found us.
Hi. I’ve been busy writing a novel.
It’s a science fiction about a world that builds towards a collective singularity. The population is a mere 12,000; the rest have died in the fires of religious wars.
Those that remain are like gremlins: you pour hot water on them and they multiply. They have no fingers and can’t use technology – they communicate through the most ancient method in the world, before language was born.
The story is rooted in the idea that mankind will evolve to the point of perfect, brilliant understanding. There are no leaders, only speakers for the dead. Very tribal.
I’ll let y’all know when it hits the shelves.
It will be available in bookstores in America, the U.K., Canada, Germany, Sweden, Denmark, France, Russia, Italy, Spain, Australia, China, Hong Kong, Japan, and of course Singapore.
All that’s left is for me to sign off on it.
Jessica is like octenol to lazy trolls I swear.
Time for Patience, my friend.
I didn’t know what that was. Thank you.
Seriously? What makes Coke think she can write a fucking novel? Oh my god…
Why do people do this? Write about ego-death and unreligion and shit? Humility is harder work than this.
Has Coquette actually said that or just one of the commenters, though?
Maybe she thinks she can write a novel because she’s published books before? Maybe it’s because she wants to?
Nobody needs your negativity. So before you try to give lessons about humility, start with yourself.
Yeah, that’s right. Put on your humility hat.
nah dude. I am familiar with Coke’s work enough to be critical. Look, there are a lot of really, really atrocious novels out there. Spitting out witty, bitchy advice for strangers on the internet takes one kind of writing ability, and writing a novel takes another. Writing a book for a fan base who gets a kick out of your take downs is one thing, writing a fucking NOVEL is another. A novel is a whole different kind of art form. Not everyone can do that kind of writing. Just because Barnes and Noble thinks they can sell you doesn’t mean they should…
But really, I’m not trying to convince the people who are chilling out on her comment section because you guys are her rabid acolytes, y’know? I’m here to voice my opinion that…well, not everyone should be writing novels, and in my opinion, least of all Coke. Well, probably least of all Coke unless she’s got stores of carefully wrought poetic insight that I have never seen but honestly and humbly I very much doubt it.
Ok, go ahead and go back to desperately hoping for her wisdom or her brand of bitchiness or whatever it is you were here for.
sounds like a deal.
You can resume your typical bitter impotence too.
Thanks for typing enough for me to completely discount your opinion due to lack of supporting evidence for your thesis.
What kind of weak-ass, vague-ass, non-descript, I-learnt-trolling-on-a-youtube-channel kind of bait was that.
I derealized out of sheer boredom at “but really”.
Russian bots are fuckin everywhere, man
No wonder there are so many of them.
YThe people who frequent the blog are acolytes. Russian bots are everywhere but this stuff has gotten dumb. Our society is degrading at a rapid rate and online platforms are part of it.
It’s the apocalypse. Let’s go buy some milk.
You keep using that word.
It’s true. We young rabids.
Should we summon a haunted gold mine or somethin’
I… can’t. All I see is blackness! Oh, my hood is down.
THREE MONTHS COKE COME THE FUCK OOOONNN COME BACK PLEEEEJ!
Talking loudly won’t get you what you want.
If she’s not back by January 1st I’m going to get completely wasted and cry into an empty aquarium…And then die of hangover.
Fair weather ahead, my friends.
For those confused, the difference is, and always has been between the collective one and the individual collective, the knowledgeable and the ignorant, the gentlemen and the gangsters, the light and the lizards. Goodnight y’all, we all live to see another sunrise.
Miss you. :c
It’s been a full season now. Please come back.
Crazy how strong some habit loops are. I check a few blogs and they always trigger me to check this one too, despite the lack of reward.
I know she doesn’t owe us anything, is probably busy handling her own shit,etc. but I do miss this little speck of the Internet.
Yes, me too. Almost everyday in the hope that it’s changed.
Friends, it is only in letting go that she will truly be ours.
Also, she was never truly ours to begin with.
Do I dare? I do.
With the caveat that I share the sentiment tongue-in-cheek:
“You didn’t ‘let it go’. That shit got up and went.”
We are waiting…
Jessica, you’ve obviously forgotten that silence is golden, bro.
You’ve obviously forgotten that cliche is the height of unintelligence.
…says the desperate pest
There are good bugs.
What’s platinum? Oh! And what’s iridium?
Has anyone here read any good books lately? Any recommendations? Any genre, general-audience nonfiction included
I’m trying to get back into the habit of reading. I used to be a voracious reader, but somewhere down the line, my attention shrank, and internet comment sections became a drug. Recently, I read “A tale etched in blood and hard black pencil” (Brookmyre) which was a medium-fun book, lightly in Scots, about a murder and the class of kids that grow up to take part around it. Right now I started “The Time Machine”, which I’ve been wanting to read for a while. I can really see the inspiration for Doctor Who, and it being original and not voiced by a manic Brit, I like it a lot better.
Just read 2 novels by Susan Rieger, her only 2 so far. Recommended.
Now I’m reading “The Gambler,” by Dostoevsky, and am enjoying it.
I’d also recommend “$2.00 a Day” for non-fiction.
For anyone who’d like a free pdf of my book (not self-published), you can email me at Pascale5689@gmail.com. Just make up a fake account – I did right there – if you’re worried about some creep having your contact info.
For a glimpse, you can read these 2 from the book:
I recently went retro and reread Slaughterhouse-Five
My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante
Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow by Yuval Noah Harari
The Basic Writings of John Stuart Mill: On Liberty, The Subjection of Women & Utilitarianism
When I Was Five I Killed Myself by Howard Buten
The Old Curiosity Shop by Charles Dickens
All the Sad Young Men by F. Scott Fitzgerald
From Third World to First: a memoir of Lee Kuan Yew
Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
Nature’s Strictest Lessons (proof copy)
Second on “When I was Five I Killed Myself.”
Here’s a list of some books I’ve been reading to expand my mind lately:
Hannah Kohler – The Outside Lands
Selina Todd – The People: The Rise and Fall of the Working Class
David Olusoga – Black and British: A Forgotten History
Robin Bunce and Paul Field – Darcus Howe: A Political Biography
Michael S. Drake – Political Sociology for a Globalizing World
V. S. Naipaul – India (Picador Classic edition contains An Area of Darkness, A Wounded Civilization and A Million Mutinies)
M. F. K. Fisher – The Art of Eating (50th Anniversary edition)
Danny Sugerman – Wonderland Avenue: Tales of Glamour and Excess
Eve Babitz – Sex and Rage: Advice to Young Ladies Eager for a Good Time
Tim Walker – The Lost Explorer
Joyce Carol Oates – Them
Clarice Lispector – Complete Stories
Virginia Woolf – The Waves
John Updike – Rabbit Angstrom: A Tetralogy
Emma Jane Unsworth – Animals
If you decide to read any of my recommendations, I hope you enjoy them!
I recently got into old-ish French decadent and symbolist books and I’m glad I did but also I’m mad I didn’t do that earlier (Les Fleurs du Mal was my summer of 2009’s book don’t judge).
A Rebours – Joris-Karl Huysmans
Là-bas – Joris-Karl Huysmans (insert joke about Of Montreal)
Jean Genet – Notre-Dame-des-Fleurs
Edgar Allan Poe – Nouvelles histoires extraordinaires
Also after reading one or two more books by Hannah Arendt I felt like exploring what came before and what came after so
On Violence – Hannah Arendt (no but seriously, read it, esp. if you live in the US right now)
On Revolution – Hannah Arendt
Time and Free Will : An Essay on the Immediate Data of Consciousness – Henri Bergson
Memory, History, Forgetting – Paul Ricoeur (I haven’t read it fully yet but yes)
Unrelated but I also read Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte and it’s underrated as fuck.
The Theif’s Journal (Journal du voleur) by Jean Genet is my favorite book ever. My paperbook copy is basically just a bunch of detached loose sheets that I occasionally rearrange in their order. I love my cheap copy and I read it so fucking often.
I think that was him at his best, but throughout his literary life, he was dedicated to exposing the parallels between the epistemology of morals and aesthetics. For me that idea founded something of the moral being that I try to be.
I don’t know, I haven’t read it or Querelle yet and I’m not sure I plan to do so soon. They sound like a lot of hyper-masculinity fantasy without enough of something else to counterbalance it. A lot more focus on pimps and gay-on-gay crime too (it goes hand in hand for him I guess), which is not really my favourite thing.
But I’ll probably end up reading them anyway because Genet did write some fucking excellent French prose.
Oh sure if it’s not the genre you like don’t read it. I love the historical perspective (l’entre deux guerres), the personal narrative of a poor gay dude in the 30s, the story of exploitation and despair. It’s also beautifully written. There’s the famous vaseline at the police station humiliation story that is written in a quasi spiritual way.
However it’s hard to read (I have a cry-read booklist, and I’m totally the girl crying on her kindle in the metro). It also should not be seen as information about what it’s like to be gay today. The story is impure artistic revelry.
It’s more about the level of shamelessness and acceptance of Genet about how nasty his mind can be and me not being to that level, it’s *definitively* my genre of litterature.
I should have been clearer maybe ; Genet is reaaally into macho macho men, me not so much, and while he clearly don’t mind a sissy it’s clearly not who he’s wanking to. I’m more of a Cadinot porn kind of guy I guess ? (Cadinot read Genet and it shows)
This is really opening my mind. You classy bitch.
Do you read the French ones in French? I, like most other Canadians, am not really proficient at all.
I read them in French, but if you don’t you’ll ony lose the use of the French in them (which is only one of several reasons to read them), and as far as I know the English translations are pretty good so by all means read them in English ! I don’t know how easy they are to find tho.
The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss
Ready Player One by Ernest Cline
I am also reading the Preacher comic book series.
Sadly, I will have less time for reading for fun now that school is back in session.
How September-y of you.
Eh, it is the season for marronniers after all.
*Trumpet sounds for school assembly*
Being September feels incidental. I love ordering books from AbeBooks, haven’t done so in a while, and usually a couple things from Coke’s lists gets in mine to order.
I tried to help an acquaintance out and now I have an unofficial roommate and her cat living in my one bedroom flat. She doesn’t clean after herself or the cat, doesn’t pay for anything. The living area smells violently of cat shit, and she doesn’t seem to have plans for leaving. One week and I’m over this fuckery. Coquette, where the fuck are you when I need actual advice ?
Stop being a doormat and communicate explicitly with them, particilarly if you set any terms and conditions for your living arrangement when you agreed to help out by letting them stay, for example, was it for a few days until they found somewhere else to live? It shouldn’t need to be stated but was cleanliness stated too when they moved in? Were you aware of her cleanliness issues in her former place of living when you offered a place to stay? You could suggest a joint apartment clean too.
Is your friend working? If so, ask for money for half the rent and utilities as they’re using them just as much as you are. If they start making excuses inform them you’re not using your money to keep them so either they begin contributing to the running costs or they leave.
Another solution could be to ask – especially if they’re not working – that they look at residential listings for them to potentially live in and suggest on your day off or theirs if they’re working and it’s workable for you that they book some viewings for you both to visit. That way it still appears you’re being supportive even if they’re driving you insane.
The long and short of it is, they’re living in your space and you feel like you’re being taken advantage of. If the solution you offered then is no longer feasible now to the point it’s impacting your friendship, then try implementing the suggestions I’ve made above (I’m sure other commenters could offer alternative options too). If that doesn’t work, ask them to leave. I hope you haven’t had keys made for your friend though.
All the best!
I tried having an open honest discussion about rent, utilities, food, cleanliness, the extent of her stay, etc, but she talks her way out of it – her incessant self-centered chatter makes me want to shoot myself in the face. I knew she had problems with her previous roommates, but I hadn’t fully understood her capacity to shamelessly mooch off any and all willing victims. (And the lack of even a faint notion of hygiene!! I’m messy and all, but this is next level. This is someone who works with young children mind you!)
Doormat or not, my mother was the one to convince me that lying was the best path. Fuck giving her the time to find another place, we just made up an excuse to get rid of her in the next two days.
Good job to your mom. It doesn’t have to be a negotiated decision, it’s your apartment, it can be unilateral.
This really cheered me up after a serious day.
The most important step is to have a plan. You’re going to have to change the locks, issue an eviction, and have it enforced by police all in one step. There is no halfway for “moving out.”
Fuck the police.
I’d suggest you check your local landlord/tenant ordinances, because it takes almost no time (in some jurisdictions) for a ‘guest’ to become a ‘tenant’ with rights to habitation.
Give her a firm move-out date that is non-negotiable. Put it in writing (if possible). Just cheerily tell her, and make it sound like there is nothing to be done about it. Repeat as necessary, do not make excuses.
I feel bad for the cat though. Good luck!
Maybe we should start a unofficial Dear Coquette spin-off forum in which we attempt to give each other advice.
I see your username and think “So the dinner with Chopin was successful.”
“Listz is full”. Of himself, that is.
Apparently Liszt was actually super nice in person, he just had the rock star persona.
That’s pretty much what he was for his times yeah.
It was an allusion to nyfw parties!
I think we should start a secular humanist fellowship. She is an accidental guru by her own description, and when we’re not taking the piss, we’re not half bad at having a conversation.
I can host it, if you want.
please let’s start a forum,
somewhere we can chat when Coke isn’t around to guide us.
Another place of sanity on the web.
I knew a boy who plays with puppets all day. I mean, these puppets can’t move by themselves and he has to move them himself. I told him that I play with vibrators, which dance eloquently with the press of a button. I argued that it was a far more efficient use of play time.
He sulked in his cot and didn’t want to come out for mealtime. I ate porridge and picked out all the bones in the fish.
I brought them to him, washed and beautifully in tact. I suggested he use them for making new puppets – I said they could form a skeleton. He just scowled meanly and said I didn’t know what I was talking about.
I couldn’t help myself – I grabbed his Pinocchio puppet and broke it in half. It was hollow inside, except for a nestled bag of cocaine.
“Cocaine?!” I exclaimed. He sniffed.
“I need it for my hot chocolate,” he explained, “I ran out of sugar.”
“Oh,” I said, quickly offering the gummy bear that was in my pocket.
“Go fuck yourself”, he said.
“Go fuck yourself,” I said.
OH MY GOD, JESSICA.
Jessica…pull it together.
You say with a grin and a wink!
Why do I still check this every day? I feel like I’ve been dumped.
I compulsively check it too! Don’t feel bad. I love revisiting the old pieces of advice. They’re like little friends.
CQ has been doing this for over eight years. If she wants to take a break, she has every right to take one for as long as she desires.
I wonder if her hiatus is a way to hit the reset button on her readership. There have been more trolls than usual as of late, and I’m wondering if, given enough time and no stimulation, they will lose interest and retreat back into whatever internet hole they crawled out of, and then rest of us can continue on. I dunno. Just a thought.
She’ll come back when what’s done is done.
A by-product of her absence is that she’ll get fewer unoriginal submissions. These lazy people will have either given up, or had the sense to check through archives for advice.
The good news is that Dearcoquette will quietly die and no one will need to read Jessica Sen’s comments again.
Get a life.
I don’t check this every day, but I probably check it every few. Partially it’s habit, I guess. Boredom, click all the things… I used to feel dumped, but I’ve mostly gotten over it (I’m still here, though). I like the comments section. I wish there was a forum for the sorts of people who like reading the stuff here, but I don’t wish there was a forum quite enough to make a forum. There’s something to be said for less internet, books are good too.
Because she didn’t say, “hey guys, here’s the deal.” Perhaps because she’s not sure what the deal is, or how long it’ll last.
I mean, let’s be honest, this was a great chapter – this site, and everything – and it led to a major book deal.
This whole thing has gone as far as it can, and without ads and 100,000+ views per post, Coke needs to do something more profitable, especially if she’s gotten her full return on this.
You might say, ‘what about us?’
To that, I say, she’s given us everything she had.
CQ wouldn’t leave us like that. She doesn’t do that kind of thing. It’s too sloppy and un-symbolic.
This will be way sadder than suck.com
sometime around the beginning of september, in a response to a comment on a twitter post, coke said she’d be back “soon.”
I have a vision of a future society where people roam from website to website proclaiming the second coming of Coquette.
These folk have warped her words so they mean the literal opposite of her intended meaning. And when she truly does return they shall crucify her as an imposter.
Verily, I say unto you, we are all Coquette.
Oh, we’ll be able to tell.
I’ve been working on three ad pitches and a documentary script all day. It’s 3 in the morning.
I’m Don Draper with shit whiskey and no time for extra-marital affairs.
Producers are the worst.
“Can you deliver?”
“I’m not the fucking pizza guy.”
Hustling at 29. Looks like I’m ahead of the curve.