On your ass.

I’m 16 and I recently got a very small exterior hemroid (sorry if that’s kinda gross) and I’m kinda scared no guy would like to have sex with me because of it. I’m trying my best to cure it but i’m not sure it will and my parents don’t give a shit about me so I’m just stuck here in the middle.

You’re sixteen. It’s time to start taking care of your own ass. Literally.

First thing’s first. Learn to spell hemorrhoid. Next, adjust your diet. Start eating bran muffins and Metamucil. Stay hydrated. Always be drinking water. Go get some Preparation H and use it for its intended purpose.*

Finally, you need to adjust your priorities. Your ass is on fire and your parents suck. You’ve got bigger problems than having underage sex. Besides, anybody with VIP access to your balloon knot isn’t going to care anyways.

Go get healthy, kiddo. Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.

* On a side note, you can also use Preparation H to reduce puffiness underneath your eyes when you’re two days in to a hardcore weekend. Classic old-school party girl trick.


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