On your past

I was raped as a child and spent about ten years battling depression, heroin addiction and sex work. I have semi got my shit together recently but I feel a wall between me and other people as I feel I am keeping ‘the real me’ from them if they don’t know this. Though I wouldn’t want to be thought of us a just this, so why do I let it define me? Do I have to tell people this? Am I being deceptive? I feel that if I was in a relationship with a guy and he found out, he might possibly not want to be with me any more and so that makes me feel like I must tell people to find out if they really like me for me. Please help. Even just a sentence, I have never felt so alone.

Don’t tell people about your past to find out whether they really like you. That’s not fair. If you choose to tell someone about your history of trauma, it should be an act of intimacy, not a test of loyalty.

Remember, you are not your past. Your past is nobody’s fucking business unless you want it to be. You don’t have to say shit about shit. That’s not being deceptive. It’s merely being private.


2 thoughts on “On your past

  1. brooke says:

    I’ve had a similar past accompanied with the same worries. I withheld details of my history from my most recent partner because I only wanted to focus on the positive with him. While at my apartment, I had an angry visitor. This woman, out of rage, told him of my addiction. After an hour of honesty, he left. I had recently relapsed before the visit. I understand his leaving, although now it seems my fear of abandonment is justified.

    • Darien says:

      I know this is next to meaningless but I’m sorry this happened to you Brooke. Hopefully you will find someone who is more understanding in the future and more importantly not give up on hope for yourself. You have gone through a lot, you can get through this too even if it sometimes really sucks

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