Advice

On what you’re owed.

I am soon to be finishing my degree, and I am in a similar situation as that person whose father makes a lot of money and now has a second family, but didn’t help at all with their education. I don’t feel like I’m owed anything, but I recently found out that he’s been telling our extended family that he has been paying for my education this whole time.

I’ve had to work really hard to get to where I am, and I am proud of what I have accomplished. My dad has been a deadbeat since he told my mom he didn’t think he wanted to have a kid anymore when I was 9, and I hate that now he is trying to get some of the credit for those accomplishments.

Is this something I should confront him on, or is it some resentment I should just try to work through on my own? Should I be correcting my aunts and uncles when they talk about the expense of my education to my dad?

Wow, your dad is a real piece of shit. That sucks.

Listen, he may not have owed you a college education, but he sure as fuck owes you the respect and recognition for having paid for it yourself.

By all means, confront your father. Confront the hell out of him. Make sure all your aunts and uncles know the truth about who paid for your education. He deserves to be embarrassed and humiliated for a lie like that.

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Best-Of Advice

On the nice guy

I’m “the nice guy” that is best friends with girls but never has sex with them. I had two girlfriends in high school for a month each and none since then. Every time I try to hook up with a girl she stops and leaves. I’m shy, so I have a hard time meeting girls. I know I’m my own worst enemy. I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs, and its hard to meet people at parties when they’re shitfaced and you’re sober.

I don’t get it. I try my best, I drop everything to help girls out, but no one wants to stick around. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get a girlfriend?

You’re not a nice guy. You’re a whiny little bitch.

Girls don’t need your help. They deserve your respect. Quit dropping everything for them and learn the difference. While you’re at it, stop behaving like getting laid and getting a girlfriend are the same thing.

Oh, and not that you asked, but quit announcing your sobriety at parties. I can tell, you’re that guy. No one likes that guy. Just walk around with a solo cup filled with soda and shut the fuck up about it.

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Advice

On keeping your soul or your job.

Dear Coquette,

I recently graduated, moved to a new city, and in the interest of, you know, surviving, got a part-time retail job. The problem with this job is that it’s a company that really pushes their credit cards on people. All the managers talk about is how many cards we’ve hoodwinked people into signing up for that day. Also, they keep track of how many cards each employee gets and reward or punish employees based on those numbers. (Punishments range from extra early-morning training in how to sell the card to simply cutting hours to almost nothing.)

I think store credit cards are irresponsible and idiotic. I have never felt more slimy than the day a woman who didn’t speak much English came into the store and asked for a “membership.” I told her it was a credit card, she looked at me like she didn’t understand what I was talking about, and asked me again to sign her up for one. But I need the job and I need the money, so I find myself selling these cards to people and hating myself for doing it.

So my question is this: How do I keep my soul AND my job? How do I stay true to myself and get the managers off my back at the same time? 


Dude, you could’ve just said you work at Best Buy. It’s no secret how those jerks operate. You’re employed by a blue-shirted boiler room that makes its profit hawking predatory in-store credit and useless extended warranties. It’s ugly, but it’s also pretty low on the list of modern corporate sins, and since it’s all perfectly legal, ultimately there’s nothing you can do about it.

Listen, kid. You’re not mining coal. You’re not picking crops. Hell, you’re not even flipping burgers. You’re standing around in an air-conditioned room all day with your thumb up your butt. Your job is to wear a name tag and up-sell the customers. No one cares if you stay true to yourself. If you don’t like it, you’ve always got a choice.

That’s the point, really. If you ever find yourself asking how to keep your soul and your job, just know that it’s ultimately going to come down to keeping your soul or your job.

Remember, nobody is forcing you to work at Best Buy. If your soul is too delicate to push credit cards onto idiots who still don’t know any better, then start looking for another gig during your half-hour lunch break.

I hope you find something better. Really, I do. It’s rough out there right now, but I respect your underlying integrity.

Best of luck.

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Advice

On your dad’s money

Dear Coquette,

My dad is an idiot. He has three kids, and one stepkid who is significantly younger (comes with marrying someone 10 years your junior). He makes upwards of $300,000 a year. Now I’m living in poverty. I just graduated college and I am $70,000 in debt right off the bat because he didn’t help me with one cent of college. He was far too busy buying boats and multiple cars, not to mention two houses. I don’t have a functioning car, I can barely pay my bills and I’m completely drowning. Could you please, please explain to me how I can ever let go of all the resentment and anger I hold, every single day, toward him? It’s poisoning my life, Coquette. I want to let it go, but I can barely look at him and his new wife with her five-carat diamond ring on her finger and her brand new car. What can I do to fix this?

First of all, your dad is broke. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t afford to pay off your college debt or buy you a car. Your dad’s money is an illusion. Go ahead, ask him.

You’ll discover that after his taxes, his alimony and his insufferably predictable midlife crisis, he’s barely got enough left over to keep the damn lights on. No doubt he’s refinanced to the hilt and upside-down on the boat mortgage, and the secret he won’t tell anyone is that the ring on his trophy wife’s finger isn’t a real diamond.

Sure, a better man might have used the same money to set up educational trusts for his children, but that’s not the way your dad played it. That sucks for you, but then again, he never owed you a college education in the first place.

It’s time for you to grow up. Your dad is a materialistic douchebag, but you can’t afford to act like a spoiled brat. You’re an adult now, and his money isn’t your money. It’s as simple as that.

You also can’t afford envy. It’s worthless and ugly, especially in the face of an entry-level existence in today’s economy. It’s rough out there. Nothing is gonna come easy, and you’re going to struggle for a while. That’s just the way it goes.

Frustration is perfectly understandable, and resenting your dad is awfully convenient, but at the risk of turning this into an allegory for the millennial generation’s relationship with the baby boomers, you need to accept that he’s never gonna help you out. He’s only in it for himself, so you might as well just get on with your life.

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Advice

On open break-up season.

My boyfriend and I have had trouble with him lying about the little things, which I called him on and he promised he wouldn’t do anymore. Then there were the girls who flock around him and let’s just say there were some unfortunate circumstances that ended up in our relationship souring for a little while. He made a few changes, but now the girls are back and the lies might be back, and I know what I have to do, I’m just scared to do it. I’m usually the one who gives the hard-hitting advice to my friends, but no one seems to be giving it to me. I get butterflies and I’m anxious at the whole situation and I need someone like you to tell me what I should do or how I should attack the situation in an even more assertive way. I feel my legs getting shaky this time, whereas before I was angry and upfront and didn’t back down. Maybe I’m just getting emotionally exhausted, I don’t know. What I do know is I need a swift kick in the ass from a solid beautiful bitch like you!

Just get it done already. Hurry up before you have to buy him a Christmas gift.

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Advice

On north vs south and east vs west.

Dear Coquette,

I live in New York City and I’ve been offered a full-tuition scholarship to Vanderbilt University. I am afraid that if I take this opportunity and attend Vanderbilt, I will not like it. I am a liberal and I believe most Southerners are conservatives. I just don’t want to move there and have a horrible four years of college. What should I do?

Slow your roll, city mouse. Just because they make all the country music in Nashville, it doesn’t mean you’re moving to the country. Nashville is very much a city, one of the most fun and friendly I’ve ever visited, and it’s filled with all kinds of folks. A lot of them are liberal. More of them are conservative. So what? That’s no reason to have a small-minded attitude about Southerners.

Besides, the college experience pretty much guarantees you’ll be surrounded by liberals. As long as you don’t drag down a shitty attitude from New York, you’re not gonna have a horrible four years in Tennessee.

Congratulations on the scholarship to one of the best universities in the country. Now go to Vanderbilt and broaden yourself, because it sounds like you need it.

Dear Coquette,

Do you think that interreligious marriages can work? My partner and I are loosely Catholic and Hindu, respectively, but both sets of parents are far more devout in their beliefs.

Wacky in-laws and a Catholic-Hindu marriage? I smell sitcom.

Don’t worry, though. Interreligious marriages can definitely work, especially in a contemporary American culture where most of us are just “loosely” religious. Devout parents might make special occasions a bit uncomfortable, but that’s a small price to pay when you consider how ridiculously taboo this kind of thing used to be for previous generations.

Out of respect for your family traditions, be prepared to compromise when it comes to the holidays. Diwali and Christmas should get equal time. So should Holi and Easter. I’m not saying you’re obligated to celebrate any of them, just that if you do, you should participate equally in the traditions from both sides of the family. It’s only fair, and besides, family traditions are important.

That’s the larger point, really. If you’re thinking about a marriage with kids, you’ll be establishing an entirely new hybrid set of family traditions for your children that are as much about culture as they are about religion. You get to cherry-pick the best from both worlds and leave the rest behind. That’s a pretty cool thing to be able to do.

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Advice

On teenage body issues.

I literally hate my body. I’m eighteen and I’ve been overweight (not seriously, but just slightly) since childhood. The last year or so I lost about twenty pounds but I just can never be happy with where I am. I am a totally average weight now and eat healthy, work out regularly, etc. but I just cannot get over my utter lack of confidence. How the hell do I get over this crap enough to live my life happily and confidently? And of course growing up will help, but I need something more short term!

Bitch, if I had a short term solution to teenage body issues, I could rid the world of Proactiv commercials while making it rain Oprah money. Unfortunately, none of you little twits think I’m serious when I tell you to burn your fucking magazines and boycott every toxic source of unattainable beauty standards.

There is no magic to this, and the truth you’ll never believe is that you look fine. Hell, at eighteen you’re pretty much hot by default. You’re not a fucking runway model, but you’re not a dumpster troll either, and that’s just life in the 99%.

If you can’t be happy with where you are, tough shit. You’ll be miserable right up until you quit missing the point. In the meantime, try and remember that confidence isn’t a byproduct of body image, and happiness and beauty aren’t even close to being the same fucking thing.

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Advice

On a bit more forgiveness

Short question: Do you think forgiveness entails prosociality towards the forgiven person, or just a return back to “normal.” Or as normal as it was?

Forgiveness is not the same thing as absolution. A person you’ve forgiven isn’t free from the consequences of their behavior just because you’ve let go of your anger and resentment.

It’s a wonderful thing to forgive, but it doesn’t obligate you to give yourself over to someone who might bring chaos into your life.

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Advice

On forgiving and forgiveness.

Dear Coquette,

My dad had an affair with my mom’s (now ex) best friend, a woman who I grew up with as my “auntie.” It’s been about four years now and they are still together. She and I just cannot get along. We can be civil, but it’s really uncomfortable. I moved out of my dad’s at 17 because of it, and while I know it was the right decision for me, I barely have a relationship with him anymore. How do I make this work? I love and miss my dad but they are now a package deal.

You may love and miss your dad, but whether you consciously know it or not, you are also still incredibly angry with him, and you haven’t forgiven him for what he did to you.

No doubt you were a holy terror at 17, but so what? You were a teenage girl. You weren’t supposed to be the one who moved out, not like that. In essence what happened was that your father chose his new girlfriend over you after cheating on his wife, and to this day you resent the hell out of him for it.

A father isn’t supposed to choose his girlfriend over his daughter, and resentment is a perfectly natural reaction for that kind of betrayal. The thing is, you’ve projected all that resentment onto your “auntie,” so of course things are uncomfortable. She is living, breathing proof of your father’s rejection of both you and your mother. Unfortunately, that negativity will never go away until you acknowledge and then let go of the resentment you have for your father.

You have to forgive him. It’d be a lot easier to do that if your father would acknowledge his selfishness and apologize for his behavior, so you might want to gather up your thoughts and feelings and try talking to him. Take your time with this process. It’s heavy stuff. There are gonna be all kinds of emotions bubbling up and flying around.

Get all that stuff out, and then let it go. Once you come to a place where you’ve forgiven your father, things will automatically start getting better with his girlfriend.


What does the act of forgiveness entail? How do you know once you’ve reached that point? I mean, if you recall traumatic situations and painful memories and can remember how they hurt and angered you, can you still claim to have achieved forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the process by which you let go of anger and resentment. You will know you’ve reached the point of forgiveness when you no longer feel any anger or resentment, but it is not a process by which you forget that anger and resentment. To forgive is not to forget, nor should it be.

The very nature of forgiveness is the ability to remember how traumatic situations hurt and angered you without actually feeling any of the pain or anger.

That’s the peace that comes with forgiveness.

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