Advice

On supporting your decision to die

You said you’re an advocate of the right to die, and I’m now in a situation where it’s my only way out. This isn’t a suicide plea, so if you’re willing to hear me out, I’d appreciate it.

I’m young and living away from my parents. Long story short (it’s actually a short story) I was in an accident at work which destroyed my cock and left leg below the knee. I’ll be fitted for a prosthetic soon and I live in Ontario so OHIP is hooking me up nicely.

They can’t fix my cock though.

And yeah, I’m that simple. I’m twenty-two. I have no cock and soon I’ll be on a fake foot. I don’t feel obligated to look for any deeper meaning because I don’t want to, and not wanting to live makes me cancerous so long as I do. I don’t want to find a reason either. I’m actually, anger aside, also content with everything I experienced so far because I’m truly fucking privileged.

I know it will devastate some family, but I want to do my very best to explain why it happened. They don’t know about the accident yet–they can easily find out–but that isn’t what I want to explain.

Maybe you’ll just tell me to rewrite what I have, but is there any way to leave behind a note that can articulate the simplicity of life? That I’m leaving this behind because an intact body is minimum for me, and that my anger is residual, but has nothing to do with my choice to check out.

I’m a whole human being. People keep wanting to ‘enlighten’ me but I did all that shit when I got raped at seven. I’m way more hardcore than reinventing myself beyond the physical body, because I know that’s all there is for me. I feel like I have to come off as a prick to keep people from coming at me with ‘metaphysical life’ like I haven’t already rejected it.

I just want them to know this is a decision, not a reaction, and that I’ve become happier since making it. Not as ‘some manifestation of life, not death’ but exclusively because I know this won’t go on when I decide it won’t.

I’ve decided it won’t. Is trying to explain it going to make things worse?

 

I am absolutely an advocate of a person’s right to make their own end of life decisions. People have the right to die with dignity.

In your case, I can even understand how you’ve come to make your decision. Naturally, you’ve become happier now that you’ve made it. That’s a thing that happens. It’s how I know you’ve already made up your mind, and it’s why I won’t bother wasting either of our time trying to convince you otherwise.

I get that this isn’t a cry for help. It’s a genuine question about how to make things easier for the people you plan on leaving behind. It’s about how to communicate with your family about your decision to die. I respect that, and I appreciate that you thought to ask me for help in explaining yourself.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to support your decision, but I’m only going to support it conditionally, and you’re not going to like it. In fact, you’ll immediately dismiss it out of hand.

I’m telling you this first so that you’ll catch yourself when you do, because there will also be a part of you that knows I’m right, and I’m hoping to reach that part of you before you fuck up that last thing over which you’ll ever have any control.

I’m going to support and respect your decision to end your life on the condition that you support and respect your family’s right to come to terms with that decision before you act on it.

Your life — and its end — isn’t just about you. It’s also about your family. It’s about your loved ones and everyone you leave behind. As much as you have the right to make your own end of life decision, they have the right to be a part of it.

Yes, it’s true that the ultimate decision is yours to act upon, but it’s not a decision that you have the right to make by yourself. You don’t get to just type up a note and check the fuck out. That’s common suicide. It’s cowardly, selfish, and without a shred of dignity. I cannot and will not support you in that decision.

However, if you do the right thing — the hard thing — and bring this decision to your family so that they can come to terms with it first, then not only are you showing them the proper respect, but it will prove that your decision is worthy of consideration.

Now, I know you’re already thinking of a million reasons why you can’t tell your family beforehand, but all of that is bullshit rationalization. It’s cowardice and fear. Like I said, there’s a part of you that already knows involving your family is the right thing to do. It’s the only thing that could ever truly legitimize your decision.

Obviously, your manhood is important to you. Well, this is your last chance to be a man. Don’t go out a fucking coward. Have the strength of will and the depth of character to step the fuck up and do right by your family.

You only get to do this once, and there’s only one right way to do it.

You know I’m right. Don’t fuck this up.

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Thoughts

On cutting off your nose to spite your face

I’ll be voting Bernie if he’s nominated, I’m unbendable titanium in that scenario. But if it does come down to Trump VS Hilary, in special thanks to you being insufferable as fuck lately, I’ll be voting Trump. Keep coming off as a pretentious, broken, lesser-version of the powerhouse badass you once were.

Oh, and:

Embrace the change! 😉 bitch.

 

Wow. You’ve really set yourself up to fail here. You can use your vote to help elect the Democratic nominee, or you can use your vote just to spite me. Either way, I win. Bitch.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On trump-sized advice

So theoretically, lets say Trump wins the GOP nomination and then starts looking solid going into November. Is there a point (and if so, where is that point) where someone should guillotine that bastard?
Nope. If the American people legitimately elect Donald Trump as President of the United States, then this fucking country deserves to have that monster take the wheel.

What would your ideal scenario be for how this Trump insanity shakes out?
If I could snap my fingers and make anything happen, I would have Trump win the Republican nomination. (Those assholes deserve to be destroyed by the monster they created.) I would then have the Democratic nominee (preferably Bernie, but I’m also cool with Hillary) absolutely crush Trump in a landslide general election. That would be my ideal. Maximum pain for the Republicans, hardest possible fall from grace for Trump, and a solid mandate for the next Democratic administration.

What can I say to Sanders supporters who say they’ll never vote for Clinton in the general? I’m for Sanders too but I can’t even fathom the idea of not supporting Clinton in a Clinton vs. Trump race.
Call them Trump supporters, because thats what they are. Personally, they disgust me, because not only are they supporting Trump by not voting against him, they are putting their own petty animus ahead of a much deeper and more important set of liberal principles that are genuinely at stake in this election. Fuck those people. Bernie supporters who won’t vote for Clinton in the general are lower than Trump supporters, because unlike actual Trump voters, they fucking know better.

What’s the best hope the GOP has of stopping Trump?
I think at this point, the GOP’s best hope would be if Roger Aisles snuck some Polonium-210 into Trump’s green room hairspray.

Why is Donald Trump so scary?
Donald Trump’s rise to power in America so far has proven to be both thematically and consequentially identical to Adolf Hitler’s rise to power in Germany. This is not an exaggeration. The similarities are terrifying, and that is one slice of history that we really can’t let repeat itself.

Hypothetically, Trump becomes president. What does the fallout look like?
Best case, it’ll be political fallout that leads to four years of global embarrassment causing permanent and irreparable damage to the American experiment. Worst case, it’ll be nuclear fallout that leads to four years of global winter causing permanent and irreparable damage to the human experiment.

I’ve decided. It’s been a long time coming, but if Trump wins the nomination, I will finally kill myself.
Nah, you should totally stick around and watch the shit show unfold. Trust me. It’ll be worth it. (I mean, come on. Wouldn’t you rather die in the apocalypse? Personally, I’d hate to miss that.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I hate your happy life.
Don’t envy something that doesn’t even exist.

Anyone you meet in their 30s who hasn’t settled down is going to have emotional baggage. Agree?
Dude. Anyone you meet who’s gone through puberty is going to have emotional baggage.

I’m in college and a 21 year old woman. I thought I knew myself. I know that sexuality is a spectrum and that a binary way of thinking can be limiting. So why am I so torn about thinking I’m leaning much more towards the middle rather than the very edge of heterosexuality? Is it hetronormative norms or individual insecurities?
Yes. (Where do you think your insecurities come from? They’re the inevitable products of shame derived from societal norms.)

My boyfriend dresses like a damn fool. He wears trench coats in the middle of summer, bright neon yellow sneakers, has that weird ponytail haircut with shaved sides. He knows I don’t like any of those things, but I don’t control his life. I don’t want to. I just don’t want to be embarrassed every time I leave the house with him. How do I even approach this?
You’re the idiot who picked him. If you don’t want to change him, then he’s yours to suffer. Oh, and just a friendly reminder: he doesn’t have to be your boyfriend.

Is the entire west coast queer scene polyamorous now? I’m a lesbian in my late 20s and I feel old-fashioned, but monogamy is the only arrangement that works for me. Should I move or adjust my relationship expectations?
It’s a question of whether you want to change your reality or accept your reality. Change and acceptance both have their pros and cons, but it’s really up to you. (Personally, I recommend doing both at the same time. It seems to be working for me.)

My therapist thinks that being afraid of frown lines and crows feet means I am afraid of dying. Do you agree? I actually would welcome death; what I am terrified of is looking like an aging woman.
A thousand bucks says your therapist is a man. I mean sure, what you’re experiencing is existential anxiety, but it’s not about losing your life as in death. It’s about losing your life as in vitality. Those aren’t the same flavor, and they require coming to terms with completely different truths.

Ghostbusters reboot: love it, hate it, don’t give a shit?
Haven’t seen it yet, but I hope it’s a massive hit. I love the idea of gender-flipped reboots. (I still can’t wait for them to do the one of Roadhouse with Ronda Rousey in Patrick Swayze’s role.)

Ilana or Abbi?
Ilana.

I’m reading your blog during the sermon. I’m church ministerial staff.
S’up.

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Best-Of Advice

On eating the rich

Can you explain in simple terms why you would choose to send the wealthiest .001% to the guillotine? What if they’re giving more than they’re getting?

 

I know it seems a bit Hunger Games-ish, but it’s actually a fairly well thought-out edict.

The premise of the question is that 1% of the world’s population has to be eliminated, and it’s up to me to do it. Okay, fine. I can work with that, but at the same time, I want to make the best of a bad situation.

Now, the premise didn’t stipulate a timeframe, so I’ll take a gracious millennium to do it. (There are several reasons for this.) First off, eliminating 1 out of 100 people all at once would be quite messy and traumatize the collective consciousness. However, eliminating 1 out of 100,000 people every year for a thousand years would barely go noticed.

More importantly, though, spreading it out over a millennium ensures that the desired effect is permanent. Now, what is the desired effect? To eliminate grotesque wealth inequality, of course.

The first year would be rather shocking. A lot of well known billionaires would end up with their heads in a basket. Obviously, a handful of them would be deeply missed, but by and large, the world would instantly become a much better place without the world’s wealthiest .001%.

Now, as the second culling approaches, do you think the remaining super-rich are gonna hold on to their wealth? Fuck no. They’re gonna redistribute whatever’s necessary to keep from losing their heads. Everyone will.

Entirely new global financial industries would spring up to automatically and inherently correct the world’s wealth inequality problem, and after a period of painful adjustment, we’d have a thousand years of relative equality where the richest person on earth would only have about 10,000 times more wealth than the poorest person on earth, or risk being sacrificed each year. (A 10,000 to 1 ratio may still seem like a lot of inequality, but on a global scale, it really isn’t.)

Obviously, there would be plenty amongst the rich and powerful who’d try to game the system through complicated trusts and schemes, but as empress of this little scenario, I would reserve the right to call shenanigans and send those folks to the guillotine.

Actually, the most interesting thing about this edict would be all the bizarre rituals, institutions, and unforeseen consequences that would spring up as a side effect of such a new world order.

It’d make for a fascinating utopian/dystopian novel.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

1% of the world’s population has to be eliminated. How would you do it?
Every year for a millennium, I would send the world’s wealthiest .001% to the guillotine.

I’ve been having a lot of anal sex. How do I prevent my asshole from getting loose?
Super glue and duct tape.

Do you ever feel like Nihilism is kind of defeatist? I’m struggling to accept it’s implicit truths without also drowning in cynicism.
Nihilism mixed with cynicism is defeatist, but nihilism mixed with humanism is fucking beautiful.

Seriously. I know a lot people are saying if Trump is elected they will leave the country, and I am serious! How can I leave the country for a long period of time without losing my citizenship?
If you’re natural-born, you can’t lose your American citizenship involuntarily, and depending on which country you move to, dual citizenship is usually an option after being a permanent resident for a certain number of years.

About your “former crush” now “ongoing romantic complication” you said, some time ago, he was in love with someone else. I thought in the years you also affirmed, or maybe it was implied in all the advices, that being “the other one”, the lover, was something to run away from asap. Please don’t tell me you fell into that, I kind of look at you and this would be harsh.
I’m not the “other one.” We’re both single and dating, and we both have emotional baggage. There’s a reason it’s complicated. The only long-term risk I run is ultimately being a second choice, which is something I would never allow.

On your sort-of-not-really crush: what would you do if he/she told you, “I think I love you but I can’t do this because I’m too busy.”
We’re colleagues, so I know exactly how busy he/she is. Plus, we’re both adults. It’s waaay to early for anything close to “I think I love you.” (If you’re asking for your own sake because a guy/girl in your life is saying this to you, then you shouldn’t have put it in terms of my personal situation.)

Who should I vote for today?
If you’re a registered Republican in a closed primary, vote for Marco Rubio. Otherwise, vote for Bernie Sanders.

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Thoughts

On neuro-linguistic programming

What are your thoughts on NLP? (Useful? Bullshit? Useful bullshit?)

 

NLP is total bullshit, but it’s very convincing bullshit, because it’s rooted in two very legitimate concepts from psycholinguistics and systems theory.

Back in the creepy half of the 1970’s, two douchebags with one PhD took Chomsky’s brilliant ideas about transformational grammar and smashed them together with the principles of second-order cybernetics to make a shiny but totally useless pile of pseudoscience.

Basically, they took a jet engine and strapped it to a submarine and told everybody that they’d built a spaceship. The problem is, if you don’t know any better, a jet engine strapped to a submarine kinda looks like a spaceship, and the world has always been full of idiots who’ll line up if you promise them free trips to the moon.

The really fucked up thing is that a jet engine is an incredible piece of technology, and a submarine can take you to some amazing places, so it requires a remarkable combination of idiots and assholes to misuse them both so blatantly.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Nothing pulls at me. I have a great self-care routine, generally have my shit together, and I have good friends, but I feel like my life is still characterized by fleeing pain and loneliness at a low level. It’s been this way for years. What now?
If nothing pulls at you, go push on a few things until something moves. (And for the record, fleeting pain and loneliness at a low level is a fairly normal resting existential state. There’s nothing wrong with you at all.)

Do you think people have to learn to be by themselves (i.e. Happy and content being single) before getting in a healthy non-codependent relationship?
It’s not that people have to learn to be by themselves. It’s that people simply need to learn to be themselves. Being single isn’t the important part. The important part is being health and happy as an individual whether or not you’re single. It’s a subtle difference, but it’s critical to healthy relationships.

If you could implement any single policy through the US legislature with the guarantee that it would go through, what would that be?
If I only get one, it would be a massive campaign finance, lobbying, and redistricting reform package via Constitutional Amendment with a line item that included open, early, and mandatory voting. (It has a lot of moving parts, but I consider process reform to be one single policy.) Essentially, I would get all the money out of politics, end gerrymandering, and involve every citizen in the democratic process at both the state and federal level. Do that, and suddenly all good things are possible.

Voting Strategy – I’m registered Independent in NC so I get to choose which party I want to vote for in the primary. Personally, I would love to see Bernie get the nomination and the presidency. Do I choose Republican and vote for Trump as I think he is the easiest republican to beat or do I choose Democrat and vote for Bernie who I would like to see win it all?
Vote for Bernie. There will come a day when you’ll be proud to say you did. (Similarly, if you vote for Trump, there will also come a day when you deeply regret it.)

My boyfriend and I live in Asia. He’s just been gone on a long trip where he’s had a shitload of fun and taken a shitload of drugs. We’re in a monogamous relationship, so would it be a trust issue if I asked him to get tested before we have sex when he gets back?
Yes, it would be a trust issue, but hey, if you feel the need to ask, then ask.

I truly wish the world were quieter.
Move to Alaska.

Would you go monogamous for a starmate?
Sure, but the point is that I wouldn’t have to.

Do you play chess?
Of course I do.

How many submissions a day do you get since you left tumblr?
Hundreds. (Way more since leaving tumblr.)

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Best-Of Advice

On a beautiful mess

I was given the name of this blog by a personal role-model, a mental health counselor from the Eating Disorder’s Inpatient unit that I’m currently on, fighting for my life back from Anorexia Nervosa and related disorders. She struggled with depression and anxiety when she was younger, and her story inspires me so much. I want to thank you so much for impacting her life so much that she was able to impact mine, with the same wisdom that you shared with her and that she read on your blog a long time ago. I have so much love for the both of you for that.

I had some questions that I really need advice on regarding life in general, and I don’t know if you can answer them, but I hope that you can.

How does someone decide that they want to live? How do they decide that the little things that are good in life outweigh all of the horrible things in their lives? I have teetered on the edge of wanting to live and wanting to die. I cling to very small things and hope that they are enough to motivate me, but sometimes it feels hopeless. Especially when I am in my eating disorder, without recovery, life seems dreary and monotonous and nothing I want to involve myself in. I don’t think you know the answer on how to stop restricting, over-exercising, and purging, but any advice that you have about eating disorders would be much appreciated as well. I guess it boils down to, what little things make life worth it? And what big things make life worth it? And how do you decide that you want to live rather than dig your grave “with your own fork and knife”? I want to live, but I want to die. I am a mess of contradictions, a mess of a girl. I don’t want to be a mess anymore, but I’m lost as to what to do with all of the hopelessness, worthlessness, loneliness, and feeling undeserving of life and food that I’m dealing with even as I type this.

 

I like the way you speak of being “in your disorder,” and how you’re fighting for your life “back from Anorexia Nervosa.” I like the way that you’ve separated yourself from your disease. You recognize it as something apart from who you are. Yes, it’s something that wants to kill you. Yes, it’s something that you have to fight every goddamn day. Yes, that’s fucking exhausting, so much so that I understand what you mean when you say you’re teetering on the edge of wanting to live and wanting to die. I understand how it would be so fucking easy just to give up and let it win.

That’s the thing, though. By simply not giving up, you’ve already decided that you want to live. Actually, that’s not even quite right. You do want to live. All you’re really deciding is why. You want there to be a good enough reason, something so profound and so obvious that you don’t have to keep burning all your energy scavenging around for a bunch of little things to keep you going. You want the magical secret answer to the question why that will finally and permanently beat down all that horrible shit that keeps trying to kill you.

The answer does exist. I discovered it. Your counselor discovered it. It really is profound and it really is obvious and it really will save you. You have no idea how much we wish we could just whisper it in your ear, but that’s not how this answer works. It has to come from inside of you. The most fucked up thing is that the answer is already there. It’s been inside of you all along, and once you discover it, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

In the meantime, embrace your mess. Allow your contradictions to exist in the present moment. Practice radical acceptance of all the hopelessness, worthlessness, and loneliness. That’s all you have to do. Just let that shit be okay, because it is.

There is peace in the dreary monotony. It’s not the same thing as happiness. It’s not the same thing as health. It’s simply peace. That’s where you will find your answer. Come to a place of acceptance, unconditionally and with no expectations, and you will discover that there is no difference between the big things and the little things in life. It’s all one size and it’s all one thing, and yes, it’s all a mess, but it’s a beautiful mess. So are you.

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Advice

On your un-diagnosed mother

My mother in an un-diagnosed manic depressive. Only un-diagnosed because she refuses to see a therapist and is enraged whenever its mentioned. Ditto for suggesting any medication.

When she’s in a downswing, she is beyond morbid, black, angry, sad, and likes to shut herself away from the entire world, including myself and my toddler (who is constantly asking for her). Nothing helps her. No amount of pep talking or consoling. Not one thing I say makes anything better for her, it just upsets her more. I’m 30. I’m a working mom. I’m busy. And we’ve been through this so many times that lately when she gets like this, I’ve just refrained from contacting her until she feels better. But I feel incredibly guilty about my silence. To me, this is the only way to deal without letting her drag me down into the abyss too, but I feel like I have a responsibility as a daughter to be there for her. Tired of the tightrope. Wishing I could help but realizing I can’t and switching to self preservation mode.

Not sure what my question here is. Any insights?

 

Manic depression is bipolar disorder, but it sounds like you’re describing major or persistent depressive disorder rather than something bipolar. (You mention the negative aspects of her depression, but you don’t mention the negative aspects of any manic episodes. Believe me. If she were manic, you would be complaining about that too.)

The fucked up thing is that there’s not much social stigma around a depression diagnosis these days, but there’s still tons of social stigma around a bipolar diagnosis. There really shouldn’t be. (Honestly, I’d much rather have someone in my life who has bipolar disorder than pretty much any of the personality disorders.) Regardless of whatever disorder your mom ultimately has, the problem remains that she doesn’t want anything to do with treatment, and that really puts you in a tough spot.

Obviously, your mom needs some professional help. Thing is, you’re not her doctor. You’re her daughter. You simply can’t be the one who helps her the way she needs to be helped. It’s true, as her daughter, you do have a responsibility to her, but at the same time, you are not responsible for her. You have to learn the difference. Your mother is responsible for her own mental health. You are only responsible for yours and your child’s.

Basically what I’m telling you is that it’s okay to step off the tightrope. You don’t have to do that anymore. If your mother isn’t willing to take care of her depression, then it’s reasonable for you to establish boundaries and not let her drag you down. Stop feeling guilty for protecting yourself and your child.

As her daughter, definitely keep encouraging her to seek treatment, and don’t let her anger dissuade you. Let it strengthen your resolve to maintain boundaries for as long as she refuses to help herself. That’s not just self-preservation mode. That’s the best thing you can do for her, for you, and for your child.

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