You never answer, but I keep asking anyway. Maybe I’m a masochist.

I’m trying to find a new job since my company is pretty close to going under. I work for a small town company owned by a big corporation that only cares about the bottom line (of course they do! they’re a corporation.)

Right after they hired me, they fired the only other reporter. It’s just me and the editor now, and we do all the work. We only publish bi-weekly and it pays shit. I can’t afford rent and groceries and my student loans. So, I’m looking for something that I can support myself on. Only problem is, most jobs want you to start ASAP, and I can’t bear to leave my editor high and dry. If I leave before they find a replacement for me, the paper will literally be unable to function and my poor editor would be stuck doing everything by herself. She already does so much, I couldn’t leave her alone like that.

But I can’t stay in this position forever. What do I do? Do I just tell them that I’m looking for a new job? I don’t have a lot of experience, and I’m afraid that if I don’t get hired somewhere else, they’ll let me go because they know I don’t want to stay anyway.

Clearly you don’t have a lot of experience.

Let me tell you how this works. Keep your mouth fucking shut and go find the very best, highest paying job available to you and take it immediately.

Only tell your current employer after you’ve accepted the new position and have a firm start date. Give your employer as much notice as possible, but never let giving notice take precedence over a better opportunity.

Now, I’m sure your editor is a lovely person, but you owe her nothing except courtesy. You owe your paper absolutely nothing at all, and you owe that big corporation literally less than nothing.

The paper will be able to function without you. You are not irreplaceable. Not even a little bit. If you were irreplaceable, you could demand more money, but you can’t because you’re not. Never forget that. Even if what you’re saying is true and the paper couldn’t function without you while at least still paying you a living wage, then that means it’s a sinking ship, and you’d be an idiot not to jump off as soon as possible.

Oh, and yeah. You are definitely a masochist. Maybe even a little bit of a doormat. Loyalty is important, but if your employer doesn’t take care of you, then fuck taking care of them. (And if any of this sounds harsh, remember, you’re the one without any experience.)

If I frequently have chemistry with assholes, does that mean I’m probably an asshole?

Not necessarily, but it does mean something.

Do you frequently have chemistry with people you know up front to be assholes, or people who later turn out to be assholes? Those each mean something different.

If you frequently have chemistry with people you know up front to be assholes, that is to say, you are consciously attracted to them because they are assholes, that speaks to the environment in which you were raised. Specifically, your dad was probably an asshole. If you were raised by a single parent, then that parent was probably dating assholes around the time when you were 11 or 12 years old. Your family environment during that bridge from childhood to adolescence plays a tremendous role in your future relationship patterns. Take a hard look at how you were raised, and if you recognize any repeating maladaptive patterns, fuckin’ fix that shit before it ruins your life.

Now, if you frequently have chemistry with people who later turn out to be assholes, it could mean any number of things. Often it just means you’re a bad judge of character, but it could also mean that you’re a bit vindictive. (If everyone you date suddenly becomes an asshole the moment things end, that means you’re the problem.)

Of course, there’s always the chance that you have chemistry with assholes because you’re an asshole, but if you’re self-aware enough to know that you frequently have chemistry with assholes, you’re probably also self-aware enough to already know if you’re an asshole.

Whether you’re an asshole or not, if you frequently have chemistry with assholes, you gotta go deep and figure out why no matter what the reason, because I promise your life will be fucking miserable until you get that mess out of your system.

I’m afraid the career path I’m choosing will make me useless in the apocalypse. I’m afraid that going into software development will make me rich for a few years before the economy crashes again and I’ll be out of work and have an obsolete skill set. I’m afraid all the software jobs will be moved to India and by the time I graduate in 4-5 years, there won’t be any jobs here. I was going to be a nurse and work for MSF but I have PTSD and a weak stomach. I’m too much of a wimp to go into trades, and I’m not put together enough to do anything with my Psych degree that would make me happy. Should I just find a job to pay the bills and get on with my life? I don’t know what to do, Coquette.

Software development isn’t going to make you rich. That shit’s a trade just like everything else. In fact, you’re never going to get rich, because you only think in terms of occupational skill sets. In other words, you think like an employee.

No one who thinks like an employee ever gets rich. At best, employees get to live comfortably. You know who gets rich? Employers, and you don’t think like an employer. You don’t even know how.

The people who are gonna get rich are all the freshly minted entrepreneurial assholes in the top-tier MBA programs who are gonna hire the graduates of your software development program. They’re the ones being trained to think like employers, and they’re the ones who’ll be signing your paychecks for the rest of your life.

Oh, and yes. You’re right. If your job is even the tiniest bit outsourceable, that shit is going straight to India, and long before you graduate. So yeah, you’re a little bit fucked, because it doesn’t even sound like you enjoy software development. At least that might have justified your decision.

I can’t tell you what to do with your life, but one way or another, you’re eventually gonna have to find a job and pay your bills. That’s how you’ve been programmed, and that’s what you’ll have to do. You’re never going to be rich, but you might be able to live comfortably, so adjust your expectations accordingly.

If I were in your position, I’d look for a field with long-term job security that isn’t outsourceable. (Nursing was actually a pretty good call, and you don’t have to go all MSF to make that kind of profession rewarding.)

We’re 3 years in, long distance for half of it, we got through it, and I moved in four months ago. Our relationship is loving, respectful, fun, adventurous, silly. However, he’s recently had trouble keeping it up, and when we talked about it he seemed confused and frustrated. We both want to fuck more, but he said he’s nervous about disappointing me and he’s stuck in a negative feedback loop with himself. I’ve tried to stay positive and patient, but it’s also been awhile since sex has been good. In case it makes a difference, we’re both healthy, athletic and attracted to each other.

Is 30 too young for ED? Should he go to the doctor, or is it time for us to invest in some toys?

Well, any time is a good time to invest in some toys. Have at it.

As for your boyfriend the noodle stabber, he should absolutely go to the doctor. It’s good that you’re both healthy and athletic, but erectile dysfunction is still a pretty significant physical symptom for a thirty year old. At the very least, the doctor can throw some Cialis at the problem, and that alone might be enough to reverse the negative feedback loop.

Now, I hate to speculate, but there’s also the distinct possibility that your boyfriend’s secret porn habits have become problematic. Shit happens all the time. Dudes spank it just a little too much a little too often to porn that’s a little too hardcore, and suddenly they’re just a little too desensitized to the real thing. Thus begins the aforementioned negative feedback loop featuring sex with the sad trombone sound followed by a bruised male ego and even more secret porn.

It sucks if I’m right about this, but at the same time, I’d bet a thousand dollars cash money that if your boyfriend went for a solid week without any internet porn, he’d be able to stay solid for you the entire weekend.

Of course, there’s no easy way to broach the topic of your boyfriend’s porn habits, and getting him to commit to a porn diet would be even trickier, but it may well be worth bringing up, especially considering how common this is. (There are entire support groups dedicated just to this problem.)

One thing’s for sure, this ain’t gonna fix itself. You’re gonna have to actually do something. Action is required.

Best of luck to you and your boyfriend’s boner.

How do you know when to control your emotion versus just feel them? I know you’ve mentioned both, but they almost sound like contradictory methods of coping…?

If an emotion has come into awareness and you’re already feeling it, it’s too late to control it in the sense that I mean control.

Feelings you have to manage and process. They’ve already bubbled up from your unconscious mind, and unless we’re talking about particularly dark and dangerous shit, it’s almost always better just to feel your feelings and then move on.

When I talk about controlling your emotions, I’m talking about a certain level of unconscious (or perhaps a better term would be preconscious) control. It’s about finding yourself in a mental and physical state where negative emotions don’t bubble up in the first place. It requires a fair bit of self-knowledge, self-control, and self-discipline. It has to be practiced. That’s why it’s so difficult to do.

There are all kinds of ways to practice what I’m talking about — mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, autogenic training, autohypnosis, breathing exercises, yoga, all the various flavors of meditation, and so on, and so on.

Feel free to google any of that stuff if it interests you, but don’t expect any magic tricks. None of it’s easy.