I am 43, attractive, successful and fit. I have essentially been single since my divorce four years ago. I seem to run up against ageism over and over from men my own age! What gives? Are men in their forties all fucked up or am I expecting too much to want to partner with a man around my own age? #frustrated

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news (otherwise known as reality), but 43 year old single men who are also attractive, successful, and fit simply do not date women their own age. That just ain’t the kind of world we live in.

Here in Los Angeles, attractive and successful forty-something men date women in their twenties. Not sure where you live, but best case scenario they date women in their thirties. If you find yourself a divorcee who’s already had kids, you’ve got a better shot, but only if he’s a serial monogamist who’s done with his mid-life crisis.

If you want a serious relationship, start looking at men in their fifties. If you just want to have some fun, feel free to start cougaring it up and sport-fuck a few twenty-somethings. (Yep, you can do that now too.) If you absolutely insist on partnering with a man your own age, then short of moving to a remote Alaskan mining town, you’re probably gonna have to just lower your standards.

I understand why this is frustrating, but whatever you do, don’t live in denial or let this shit make you bitter. Accept it. Come to terms with it as soon as possible, and know in your heart that there’s really nothing you can do to change the way things are.

 
What does “I don’t necessarily want to break up, but we should start seeing other people” mean? Because the way he says it, it sounds like “I really want to break up, but I also want to keep you as an emergency booty call.”

Yes, that’s exactly what it means. It also means your boyfriend is a selfish, apathetic coward who cares so little about you and your feelings that he can’t even be bothered with the inconvenience of ending your relationship.

The problem is that he’s not lying. He doesn’t necessarily want to break up, which means he might put just enough energy into the relationship to keep you around, so the next question is, how low are your expectations? Do you have the strength to say, “No. Our relationship is exclusive. You cannot be with me and also see other people.”

That’s the shittiest part of scenario. If you’re a strong woman with self-respect and the courage of your convictions, then he’s setting you up to be the one who ends things. If you happen to be a weak-willed doormat, that’s fine with him too, because like you said, he can always string you along as an emergency booty call.

Where does “getting a cat together” fall on the seriousness of a relationship scale? My friend is dating and living with a guy I hate. They just got a cat. I feel that’s another step closer to marriage somehow.

Meh. Getting a dog together is a step closer to marriage. Getting a cat together is a step closer to a one-sided break-up.

Also, let’s be real. Unless this guy was already into cats (which is kind of its own red flag), he didn’t want a fucking cat. She wanted a cat, and he just wanted to make her happy.

Sure, she likes to tell everyone that “they” got a cat, but do you think he’ll ever once refer to it as “our cat” when she’s not in the room? Hell no. He tells his friends, “she got a cat,” and then they buy him a drink out of pity.

They might end up married. They might not. Whatever happens, one thing’s for sure: that cat won’t be living with him one day longer than she will.

I recently forgot to log out of my facebook and my mom logged on and read all of my messages to my friends. She now knows that I smoke and drink (stupid, I know, but I only do it during the summer). More than that, she now knows that I like girls, something I’d been hoping on telling her when I’m no longer underage and living in my parents’ house. I’m currently visiting my cousin in Oxford, and she called me crying and saying that she and my dad had never given me a reason to be this way. I didn’t know that my parents were incredibly homophobic, but they definitely are. To even the playing field, I logged onto her facebook and read her correspondences with my cousin, the only person who’s been on my side during this whole affair. She told him that she can’t stop crying and that she’ll never be able to trust me again. She wants me to switch schools for my senior year. I’m flying back to see her today. I don’t know if I should deny being bi or just tell her that there’s nothing wrong with liking girls, but I don’t think she’d believe me.

Can you advise me on what to do from here?

I’m very sorry that your mother is an ignorant drama queen.

Here’s the fundamental problem: Your innocence is a part of her identity. She still thinks of you as a child, and your budding womanhood is a threat to how she identifies as a mother and a brutal reminder of her own impending obsolescence.

Don’t make this about her homophobia. That’s a waste of your time. You have the rest of your life to slowly change her mind on the big issues. For now, your immediate goal should be to avoid drastic consequences.

Let her know that forcing you to switch schools for your senior year would be a dangerous and stupid idea, a knee-jerk reaction that amounts to little more than petty retaliation on her part. All it would do is increase your likelihood of further teenage rebellion and provide you with newer and better opportunities to smoke, drink, and experiment with your sexuality.

Don’t think of the impending conflict as a fight. Think of it as a negotiation. Your mother will be all blind rage and blubbering emotion. Don’t add to it by bringing more emotion to the table. Be cool. You have nothing to prove.

She’s making this all about her, so you can use that to your advantage. When she says stupid shit like she’s “never given you a reason to be this way,” simply agree with her. It’s not about denying your bisexuality. It’s about minimizing your bisexuality to help reinforce her own crumbling ego.

She has all the authority, but you have all the power. Use that power wisely. You’re stuck under her roof for what I’m guessing is another year, so make this an exercise in keeping the peace until you can start your own life.

Ironically, what I’m suggesting is that you be the adult in this situation.

$40 million in your bank account, or peace in the Middle East for, say, 500 years. What do you choose?

Depends.

If the 500 years of peace in the Middle East results from everyone in the region legitimately abandoning their respective organized religions in favor of rational, progressive, and cooperative humanism, then I choose peace.

If the 500 years is just the same ancient tribal bullshit without the bullets, then I’ll take the money and everyone can go fuck themselves.

My boyfriend is ridiculously funny and charming when it’s just the two of us but is quiet and reserved in social situations. He says he just needs to ‘get to know everyone better’ but it’s been 3 months. He’s literally a different person when we’re alone – what is up with that? – 21/f

Dear 21/f,

When you say your boyfriend is “quiet and reserved in social situations,” what you really mean to say is that he “keeps to himself when he’s forced to hang out with my friends.”

When your boyfriend says he “just needs to get to know everyone better,” what he really means to say is that he “just needs a little more time to figure out how to tolerate those idiots.”

Yes, your boyfriend thinks your friends are idiots. The only reason he puts energy into being funny and charming around you is because you grant him what I imagine is very limited access to your vagina.

I’m sure he’d be funny and charming to your friends if they did the same.

(Just so you know, that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is what you get for misusing the word “literally.” That’s what’s up with that.)

“Everybody has a public, a private, and a secret life” Ok, I’ll take the bait. Could you elaborate on the distinction, in your view, between private life and secret life?

Yeah, I talked about that a while back. You can read it here.