What do you think of The Secret? The Law of Attraction?

I think it’s a ridiculous pseudo-philosophy that fills a certain existential void for a particularly shallow-minded and materialistic set of middlebrow Americans who enjoy the narcissistic delusion that their own positive thoughts might somehow have magical properties.

Dear Coquette,

How does one win the internets? Or, better yet, the game of life?

Thank you in advance,

Anonymous 38 year old man-child

Dear Man-Child,

Death is the only game, and one day you will lose.

Thank you in advance,

The Coquette

I am seventeen and lost my virginity a few months ago, when I was still sixteen. I lost it to my boyfriend, who I love very much and have not regretted it at all since it happened. Of course, I didn’t tell my mom right away to avoid the awkwardness and just because I felt it really wasn’t her business. A few weeks ago, I did finally tell her and what ensued was the most awkward, hurtful conversation ever which had me feeling like a worthless slut and for the first time having doubts about losing it. She still makes offhand comments that hurt, and I don’t know how to respond. Was I wrong for what I did? And how do I get her to respect me more again, and not treat me like a criminal for losing my virginity?

Ugh. It really fucking hurts to be slut shamed by your own mother. Let me be loud and clear about this: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

You were ready to become sexually active. You made a thoughtful, conscious decision to have sex with a loving partner, and you don’t have any regrets about your first time. Well played, kiddo. You did a better job than most.

Obviously, your mom wasn’t ready for you to become sexually active, but you know what? That shit ain’t up to her. She reacted poorly, and whatever her reasons, it was wrong of her to make you feel worthless for having sex.

Your mother isn’t perfect. Those hurtful comments she’s making are merely an expression of her own internalized misogyny. She seems to believe that sex can somehow devalue you as a person, and that’s total bullshit.

Do your best to forgive your mother for fucking this up. Whatever her issues are, they don’t have to become yours. Try and recognize that she’s the one who failed here. I know you feel like you’re the one who needs to earn back her respect, but really, she’s the one who needs to earn back yours.

When is/are the right time/s to ask where the relationship is going? How do I know whether I’m only adding unnecessary pressure to a good thing by asking?

“Where is this relationship going?” is a horrible fucking question that puts your partner on the defensive. It’s a needy and self-defeating expression of weakness and insecurity. Don’t ask it.

Instead, try an expression of vulnerability. “I think I’m starting to fall in love with you,” can prompt the kind of conversation you want to have without backing your partner into a corner.

If you have a little strength of character, you can also just say what you’re thinking. Go ahead. Try, “I want things to get more serious.” After all, you should have as much input as your partner about where the relationship is going.

Your stance on Christopher Dorner’s manifesto is relieving to hear – it is unsettling to listen to those dubbing him an “antihero”. On the other hand, what do you think about the way the police force have handled this? Does the obvious lack of “due process” being administered unsettle you?

Christopher Dorner is an antihero. Being an antihero is a bad thing, but the world is full of morally bankrupt fucktards who don’t realize that you’re not supposed to root for antiheroes.

As for the way “the police force” handled this, I don’t even know what you mean. The San Bernadino Sheriffs have nothing to do with the Riverside Police, and the Riverside Police wish they had something to do with the LAPD. There is no singular police force at work here.

There is also no obvious lack of due process. If Dorner had surrendered, he would have received a fair trial. That’s all there is to due process. You’re trying to suggest that Dorner was summarily executed by the San Bernadino Sheriffs Department, and that’s bullshit.

Dorner was never going to surrender. That was the whole point of this very elaborate suicide.

What do you think of the Christopher Dorner Manifesto that was released a few days ago in which he states his reasons in clear, precise terms, why he’s going on “asymetrical, unconventional warfare” against the Los Angeles Police Department?

This excerpt from The Last Psychiatrist’s post on The Rage of the Average Joe (which was written in response to Joe Stack flying his plane into an IRS building in 2010) brilliantly sums up everything I want to say about Christopher Dorner and his stupid fucking manifesto:

“It’s natural to look at this from your own perspective (“he has a point about the rich” etc) but this isn’t a manifesto, it’s a suicide note. The information of suicide notes are not reliable.

And it’s a suicide note, not a homicide note, because it is about his life/death. Everyone else doesn’t matter.

The reason why he’s so hard to pin down as right wing or left wing (or patsy) is that it’s not important to him, writing the note. The purpose of the note isn’t to convey information, it is to convey mood, and the seemingly random and contradictory positions he takes on issues is all in an attempt to win you, the reader, over to his side. He knows for sure he is angry, he knows for sure he feels wronged, but he can’t logically and realistically link the real world events to his level of anger. So he confuses you with words while blanketing you with mood. You have no idea what he’s talking about, but you definitely sympathize with the frustration. Boom— he got you.

If you simply look at it as a “type”, then he’s a mass murderer, akin to a guy in a tower with a rifle. So the form of the note will be impotence, paranoia, displacement, a feeling of rejection/invalidation, and, of course, narcissism. I’ll make the simple observation that as obsessed with rules as he was, he didn’t think and didn’t like that they necessarily applied to him.”

It’s quite possible the black friend won’t be all that knowledgeable on the academic definition of racism. POC/women/LGBTQ people don’t all have perfectly refined social justice opinions.

You’re right, but that’s not the point. Anybody can look up the academic definition of racism, even white teenage girls.

My goal was to whack them upside the head with their white privilege. The answer was deliberately meant to make the girls uncomfortable. It was a challenge, one that would force them to think about race in the context of their interpersonal relationships.

Honestly, what are they odds they even have a black friend?

Is it true that you can’t be racist towards white people? I tried to explain to my friend that racism is based on a system of oppression, therefore you can’t be racist to white people because they have never been oppressed. She disagrees, saying a term like “cracker” is discriminating against white people based on their skin colour which is racism. I don’t know if she’s being ignorant or if I am? Keep in mind we are both white teenage girls so there’s a good chance we both are. Explain please, Coquette.

Ask your black friend to explain.