Advice

On goal-oriented dating

I’m in my last year at a good university, enjoying life and getting excited about heading out into the professional world. My biggest insecurity is that I’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted longer than a month. In high school, I was a late bloomer in the dating scene and never even hooked up with someone until the summer before Senior year. Most of my “relationships” (if you want to call them that) have been with girls whose company I enjoy but the chemistry just never seems right. I just can’t seem to find the right girl that I’m both attracted to and has a personality that matches mine. I’m an attractive, social guy, and I don’t put out the desperate vibe – I feel like it’s just circumstance that I haven’t found anyone. But it’s gotten to the point that it really bothers me. I feel like college is a time when I am surrounded by people my own age and of similar intelligence – if I graduate without having had a single meaningful relationship, I’m going to be pretty unhappy. Am I being overly analytical? Should I be less picky?

You don’t need to be less picky. You need to be in less of a hurry. Your problem isn’t that you’re being overly analytical. It’s that you’ve got a ridiculous master plan for your life that includes charts and graphs and a timetable.

I know your type. There’s a voice in the back of your head constantly reminding you that you’re supposed to be married with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever by the time you’re in your mid-thirties. This voice says you’re supposed to date around for a few years before you find the perfect girl and settle down. It says you’re supposed to be in a stable, long-term relationship for a couple years before you get married, and it says you’re supposed to be married for a little while before you start having kids.

This voice in the back of your head (which sounds suspiciously like your mother) has already done the math, and quite frankly, it’s a little disappointed that you didn’t find your future wife during college. Well, guess what, skipper? You need to tell that voice to shut the fuck up, or you’re gonna end up leading a miserable life.

You’re wrong about what will make you unhappy. It isn’t the fact that you might graduate without having had a single meaningful relationship. It’s that you’re blind to the fact that regardless how long they’ve lasted, all of your relationships have been meaningful.

Every random hookup, every super cool chick you weren’t really attracted to, every potential girlfriend that fizzled after the third date — all of them count as meaningful relationships, especially during your college years.

Your single biggest mistake is that you think you have to find the right girl and spend a predetermined amount of time in a relationship before it counts as meaningful. (I’m guessing with you, it’s probably three months.)

Do yourself a huge favor and throw the timetable and your “right girl” checklist out the window. Stop being so damned goal-oriented with your dating. Come on, man. You’re in your early twenties. Smell some fucking roses already.

(Check out my latest column over at Playboy, and fellas, feel free to send me your questions at dearcoquette@playboy.com.)

Advice

On being gone

I’m about to give up on you. You seldom update anymore. I know you must be busy, but it makes me sad. I need more of your snark and honesty!

I just got home after a crazy month of travel. Gimme a couple days to get my shit together. I’ll be back.

Advice

On how you look at it

Dear Coquette,

Do you think we’re a benefit to the Earth? Or unhealthy for it?

You would be wise to do two things:

First, don’t flatter yourself. We are of no consequence, and the Earth is indifferent. On a geological time scale, our measurable effect on the planet is a greasy burp.

Second, don’t separate yourself. It’s ridiculous to pretend that the concept of the collective “we” is somehow detached from the concept of the earth. There is no difference between the two.

What you’re really asking is whether our species in its current state of evolution is a benefit to the broader concept of life, and the only legitimate answer to a question like that is a Zen-like shrug of the shoulders.

Maybe we are. Maybe we aren’t. We’ll see.

Do you think a quarter-life crisis is an actual thing? I’m 20 years old and I feel like my life is over.

Your life isn’t over. Your childhood is over, and you just don’t know the difference yet.

As for whether a quarter-life crisis is an actual thing, sure it is. You can have an existential crisis at any age, and it’s perfectly reasonable to freak out in your early twenties when you suddenly realize that life is one big grind.

That’s no excuse to wallow in it, though. You’ve only got a few years in your early twenties when it’s culturally acceptable to screw around trying to find yourself. Don’t waste them being filled with angst and ennui.

As an average American, what do you think about the middle class?

The middle class is a cultural cliché without an internally consistent definition. It’s just an idiomatic device used by politicians and those in the media who want to represent the broadest area under the socio-economic bell curve. When reporters use it, they mean “not the rich and not the poor.” When candidates use it, they mean “you and everyone you know.”

The subtle counterpoint is calling me an “average American.” That phrase doesn’t draw attention to class distinctions, and it also has nationalistic connotations, which is why you’ll find more Democrats using the phrase “the middle class” and more Republicans using the phrase “average Americans.”

And of course, that’s really what you’re doing with this carefully loaded cocktail-party question. You’re just trying to suss out my political leanings.

Best-Of Advice

On nice guy syndrome

I’m a 21 year old guy with one more semester of college left. If there was a textbook of “nice slightly geeky guy,” it’d have my picture there. I’m not fat, I’m not pimply, but I’m not cut or super-hot either… just a slightly above-average looking guy who knows how to treat a girl.

All of that introduces my question: why is it that I always get thrown into the friend zone? To clarify, I get put into the “gay best friend” zone. I’m straight as the day is long, but I’m the one who gets to hear about new shoes, shopping, cute boys, shitty boys, assholes who stood them up… you get the drift.

Is it because I listen too much? Am I too nice? Should I not offer a shoulder to cry on, tell her the shoes are cute (when they are), or that the dude she’s dating is a douche who’s probably fucking someone else too?

Can you help me? I’m asking because there’s a gorgeous, intelligent girl I’d usually say is out of my league that has expressed lots of interest, and I don’t want her to turn me into another “gay best friend” style friend, where I get to hear about her day, her shoes, and her boy problems.

Ugh. Nothing rolls my eyes into the back of my head faster than a “nice guy” who whines about being in the friend zone, and quite frankly, if it weren’t my job to try and smack some sense into you, I’d tell you to go fuck yourself for the ignorant “gay best friend” remarks. (Not cool, dude.)

Let’s be clear, you are not a nice guy. You are actually a magnificent douchebag with a raging case of Nice Guy Syndrome. (Yep, it’s a thing. Look it up.)

While we’re at it, let’s be clear about something else. You don’t know how to treat a girl. You say you do, but you don’t have the slightest fucking clue. If you really knew how to treat a girl, you wouldn’t bitch about listening too much, and you wouldn’t act like a shoulder to cry on is only something to offer if it’s in furtherance of getting you laid.

That kind of thinking is glaring evidence of the underlying issue with guys like you. You don’t actually respect women. You pretend like you do, and you may even believe that you do, but it’s not real.

It’s outrageous and downright insulting that you think a girl has the ability to turn you into a “gay best friend.” You’re doing that to yourself, because you aren’t really being a friend in the first place. You’re just acting like one with the ridiculous expectation that platonic behavior on your part might somehow transmogrify into romantic behavior on her part.

Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. Platonic relationships are different than romantic ones. They begin differently, they progress differently, and they sure as hell end differently. You better cozy up to that fact pretty quick, because you simply cannot continue to behave like this with the new relationship. If you want a romantic relationship, you have to be emotionally honest from the get go.

You have to put yourself out there, and if she rejects you as a potential romantic partner, you have to move on without thinking platonic behavior will eventually entitle you to something romantic.

(Check out my latest column over at Playboy.)

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Dear Coquette,

I’m a 28-year-old woman. Are my late twenties supposed to be this crappy?
There is no such thing as “supposed to be.”

Do you try to evolve? Or do you try to know what you are?
Those two things are not the least bit mutually exclusive.

One month into dating this guy, and this weekend he has posted a bunch of pics of himself in Vegas with lots of bikini-clad chicks draped over him. Red flag?
Depends. Was he making a duck face?

How do I release anger whose origin I can’t pinpoint and has caused significant tension in all of my serious relationships?
Identify the origin of your anger. That’s pretty much the whole point of therapy, so maybe you should try that for a while.

What’s the best thing to say when a guy foolishly says that he loves you when he hasn’t even known you for a freakin’ month?
Explain to him the difference between love and limerence. Get technical, and if he won’t acknowledge it, get rid of him.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years and have never lived together due to his inability to find a full-time job. Are we screwed once he does? Will he ever?
Stop kidding yourself. Your boyfriend is a loser, and you aren’t living together because he doesn’t want to live with you.

I hate my current boyfriend almost 95% of the time but I can’t bear to break up with him. What’s wrong with me?
Well, odds are you’re a codependent drama queen with garden-variety daddy issues. Act accordingly.

What do you tell a guy who says atheists aren’t protected under freedom of religion because atheism isn’t a faith?
Tell the guy that freedom from religion is just as important as freedom of religion. Be sure and speak slowly, because he’s an idiot.

If so many people are lonely, why can’t they just… get together?
If so many people are poor, why can’t they just… get money?

Why can’t I quit masturbating?
You don’t have to quit, and you don’t have to listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

I just cut my hair and I think it’s too short. What should I do?
Shave off the rest of it and go volunteer at a soup kitchen.

When do I give up on an unrequited love?
As soon as possible.

Where is the line drawn between optimism and denial?
Reality.

Advice

On beginning and endings

Dear Coquette,

I’ve been hooking up with my neighbor for a couple months now, and I’m starting to catch feelings (like most girls do) but I know that he doesn’t want a relationship, or at least the responsibility that comes with one. Hell, I don’t even know if I do, but being around him is unbeatable, and what can I say? The sex is great. What to do?

First of all, quit denying that you are in a relationship. Yes, you are in one.

Don’t freak out. I didn’t say it was a committed romantic relationship, but it’s ridiculous to assume that a couple months’ worth of friendship and sex doesn’t count as a relationship. You’re definitely not girlfriend and boyfriend, but so what? Labels aren’t as important as you might think, and you certainly don’t need them to comfortably define the parameters of this thing.

The next step is to figure out what you want. Relax. There is no rush. All you have to do is stay honest with yourself. If your emotions for this guy keep getting stronger, acknowledge them. If you feel like you need a certain level of commitment, let him know. If you start getting jealous or possessive, air that stuff out. Whatever you do, don’t deny your feelings.

Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn’t, but the most important thing for you to focus on right now is emotional honesty.

I was reading The Coquette from way back, back in 2010, when I got to a post you wrote about a relationship ending that was wonderful while it lasted (you spoke about externalizing your pain with exercise, which I thought was pretty great and I may try it out). I’m rounding the corner on what has been the most perfect and honestly fun relationship. It’s ending too soon, due to renewed distance, and there’s nothing to be done. I want to just be grateful it happened and enjoy the end of it, but my heart creaks and breaks when I think about leaving it behind. How do I deal? Will it just go away? I really don’t want it to.

You’ve got the right idea when you say you want to be grateful and enjoy the end of the relationship. More that that, you can even enjoy the heartbreak. It’s not as difficult as you think. All you have to do is accept the inevitable.

Everything ends, and acceptance of that fact will lead to a more peaceful experience. You’ll still have negative emotions, but they will manifest as sadness instead of anger or frustration.

That’s a good thing, because a little bit of sadness accompanied with fond memories is something you can learn to enjoy for its own sake. Bittersweet is an acquired taste, but it can be savored nonetheless.

Your relationship is ending. Don’t bargain with it. Don’t ignore it. Don’t bang your head against it. Just accept it, and allow your heart to break.

Advice

On more red state mail

I just finished reading your column “unsolicited advice” about Ann Romney. I have a couple of questions.

1. Will you document and criticize the DNC for what Michelle Obama is wearing. I am sure she will not be wearing KMart.

2. Define hypocrisy, here is my example. Women who out of one side of their mouth want to have the right and funding to abort the result of their careless and risky actions. (yes I support abortions for medical and rape circumstances), while they also want funding from the miserable rich people for for birth control ( check the DNC speaking list).

Your pathetic, and if I were you, I wouldn’t put my real name out there either.

1. No, Michelle Obama will not be wearing K-Mart. She prefers Alexander McQueen and Thakoon Panichgul. The First Lady has fucking style.

2. You clearly don’t understand the concept of hypocrisy (or the concept of reproductive freedom.) Hypocrisy is when anti-choice cunts like you secretly get abortions.

Also, it’s “you’re pathetic,” not “your pathetic.”

Why do Liberals never accept other people’s viewpoints. As usual, you know better than everybody else. For openers, Romney could never overturn Roe vs Wade. Do not act like this might happen. It sounds to me like you had a problem with your mom. Lighten up!

Liberals don’t know better than everybody else. They just know better than people like you.

The letter to Anne Romney smacks of jealousy! It is sophomoric and disingenuous.

Was my letter also fallacious and puerile? Was it ambiguous and oblique? Mendacious and guileful?

You can’t impress me with big words when you don’t even know the difference between jealousy and envy. (Not that I’m either.)

Also, Ann doesn’t spell her name with an “e.”

You have no idea what you are talking about. How dare you assume what Ann Romney’s views are. She is pro Planned Parenthood, but privately funded, and believes in everyone’s right to contraception. I could go on, but I know you write like a copywriter and like pithy….. Your ego is the breadth and height of Mount Everest with nothing but rock in between….

Clint Eastwood? Is that you?

Advice

On shameless self-promotion

I love that you are doing a column for Playboy. No really, I wish everyone had mandatory Coquette classes in high school. But still, can you address this old “dying publication that hasn’t been culturally relevant in any of our lifetimes” line of yours now. I’d never want to sound like I’m accusing you of hypocrisy, but I’m curious about how you’ll explain it.

Why do you think they asked to partner up with me? They know the score, and they’re looking to change up their game.

Just watch. I think you’ll see a very interesting shift in the Playboy brand over the next couple years.

Wait… do those classy-as-fuck handbags mean you’re not gonna sell trashy jewelry anymore? I LOVED that shit.

The jewelry was a collaboration with artist Steven Shein, and it was always meant to be limited edition. Don’t worry, though. There’s gonna be all sorts of new stuff coming soon!

Will Notes To My Future Husband be in that section of Urban Outfitters with the quirky readers and resplendent knickknacks?

Not sure about Urban, but it will definitely be on the new arrivals table at Barnes and Noble in October.

Advice

On coming off as a typical retarded liberal

Your “calling out idiots on hateful intolerance” is wrong in the first place. They’re promoting freedom of speech and you don’t have the cognitive ability to realize that. You come off as a typical retarded liberal.

Just because a bunch of easily herded idiots claim to be promoting freedom of speech, that doesn’t make them noble, especially when all they’re really doing is promoting fried chicken and ignorance.

Keep sending the hate mail, though. I fucking love it.

Advice

On red state mail

You have ruined my enjoyment of The Daily. I used to just skip your bullshit advice but tonight I read your hate filled, intolerant, prejudiced article about the Duggar family. So then I read the advice column in the same issue, why not go for broke! Your advice to the gay guy living in the south solidified my desire to cancel my subscription. The people at Chic-fil-a were not there because they are opposed to his existence! They were there to show their support for marriage being between a man and a woman. Calling them ignorant because their views may be different from others is so hateful, and intolerant. I’m sick of the double standard and intolerance coming from people that should know better.

So, you’re calling me hateful and intolerant for calling you idiots out on your hateful intolerance?

Go fuck yourself.

The writer addressing the Chick-Fil-A “thing” and you are overreacting. No one is “opposed to his or her existence” and the folks who support the owner’s stance on gay marriage are not “pathetic and ignorant”. They merely have an opinion different than your own. They don’t call you “pathetic and ignorant”. You should respect others opinions and not be so vile when their opinions are different than your own. I supported Chick-Fil-A not because of any hard stance on gay marriage (I personally believe there are much bigger things to worry about) I supported them because this is America and I believe you still have a right to express your own opinion. He made his comment while being interviewed and it was in answer to a question he was asked. He’s not radical in his opposition but he is opposed. Chill out with the name calling. It just make gays look angry and mean. Your cause will advance much quicker if you’re recognized as the normal, kind and giving people you (for the most part) really are.

Oh, I’m sorry. Was I getting too uppity? Thanks for your condescending note to chill out. You’re right, that’s definitely the best way to advance the cause.

Now please go fuck yourself.

In regards to your response to the gay southern gentleman, I was a chick filet “stand in liner” and I hope that history sees us, not in support for the chick filet ‘statement’ but in support of the ability to state any of our opinions and beliefs without fear of retribution of government or fear of groups wanting to bankrupt me. I agree with you that your writer shouldn’t take it personally, the stand that was taken was certainly NOT because he or anyone else is gay, but solely about the freedom of speech and expression that this country was founded on. In a country so diverse, I believe that all speech and beliefs should be respected and defended, not just the speech we happen to agree with. Thank you for allowing me to set the record straight.

You’re welcome. Too bad you’re just plain wrong. All speech should not be respected. All beliefs should not be defended. Quit confusing the First Amendment for a license that justifies having ignorant ass opinions.

Better yet, just go fuck yourself.

Your full of shit, people could receive better advice from a magic 8 Ball.

It’s “you’re full of shit,” not “your full of shit.”

Also, go fuck yourself — preferably in the ear with a pair of scissors.