I loaned out my copy of The Ethical Slut and never got it back, so I bought a used copy online. On page 21, somebody had underlined “we don’t have a polyamorous Miss Manners telling us how to do our thing courteously and respectfully ” and scribbled COKE TALK in the margins. The feeling I got from that bit of marginalia was worth every goddamn dollar I spent and then some.
I love everything about this.
Okay, so we were talking about marriage and what it means in class today. The professor is of the opinion that if two men or two women can be legally married, then why can’t we permit a marriage between two sisters or between father and son? My first reaction was a categorical “no”, but then I thought, why not indeed? I’m confused.
You’re confused because you’re an idiot, but then again, so is your professor.
How is it possible that the entire class didn’t immediately raise their hands to challenge professor wingnut with one simple question: If men and women can be legally married, then why don’t we currently permit marriage between a father and daughter or brother and sister?
Any answer he gives proves him a lunatic or a hypocrite. Either way, checkmate. All you had to do was use his own retarded argument against him. His logic crumbles the moment you apply heteronormative standards to his hypothetical, because it’s ridiculous to correlate incest and homosexuality.
You talk about things that “corrode the soul,” so does that mean you believe in souls?
Probably not like you mean it. I don’t believe in any supernatural notions of the soul, nor do I subscribe to philosophical dualism, but it’s almost impossible to discuss the mysteries of the universe (both inner and outer) without falling back on spiritually loaded language.
I use the word “soul” to poetically represent a mind generated non-corporeal self model. It’s not something that lives on after death. There’s nothing mystical or divine about it, but that doesn’t make the concept of a soul any less potent or beautiful.
Quite frankly, C.S Lewis was right when he said, “You don’t have a Soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” He was just wrong about the semantics.
Last night an ex sent me an email in which he informed me that he resents me for convincing him not to kill himself four years ago. It’s been two years since we were together, near as long since we’ve talked, so when he sent me a message a few weeks ago asking me to answer some questions about why we didn’t work out so that he could avoid making the same mistakes in the future, I tried to be as civil and kind as I could.
I took the responsibility for the stuff between us that was my fault and tried to extend an olive branch. Our relationship was unhealthy and destructive to both parties (for so many reasons — it was a pretty stereotypical “No one understands us because we’re so unique and we’re such close friends, but really everyone has been through this same scenario” type of deal). I feel like since then I’ve had a lot of opportunities to grow up and quit being such a selfish, whiny bitch. I’m getting to a place where I’m finally happy with who I am or at least the fact that I’m trying to be a better person than I was even if I’ll never be perfect. I told him that I felt like growing personally has given me the tools to be a better friend and that I don’t regret breaking it off with him. I’m even in a happy, healthy relationship now. I had hoped that he had grown up a bit too. Then, I got this:
“Do you remember when [ex-girlfriend] broke up with me, and I called you? What was going on at the time was that I had decided to kill myself, and I felt good about it. I was calm, collected, and I knew what I was going to do, and you were soon in tears. I want you to know how much I resent that. I would have been gone, but you couldn’t handle that and I had to listen to you cry about it until I agreed not to kill myself. I want you to know that all the shit I went through since that point was for you. So when it comes down to your personal growth versus our friendship, you need to know that I am choosing sides, and the choice you made is not okay with me.”
This sort of baiting, dramatic crap is part of why I’m glad he’s not (usually) in my life anymore. I was so mad at the time that he couldn’t take responsibility for his own life and just be happy for me that I wrote out a horribly long-winded response about how his happiness is not my responsibility and how he treats himself like shit and therefore creates a shit life for himself … is it even worth sending? I’ve made my apologies and my conscience is clear as far as the relationship between us goes, so should I just forget about it and cut him off forever or should I finally take off the kid gloves and let fly with all the things I always thought he was too weak to hear and then cut him off forever?
Don’t take the bait. Don’t hit back. Whatever you do, don’t email him your horribly long-winded response. That’s what he wants. You think that all the stuff you have to say is poison, but for a guy like him, it’s fuel. You wouldn’t be hurting him if you hit “Send.” You’d be justifying his miserable existence.
This guy is vindictive, manipulative and potentially dangerous. You’re not obligated to keep that kind of chaos in your life, and you are not responsible for his actions.
Just cut him off. Cut him off forever. Do not speak or respond to him again, ever. If you’re lucky, he’ll just go away, but if he keeps attempting to make contact with you, stay strong. No matter what he says or does, do not engage.
If he threatens any kind of violence, be it to himself or others, even then do not engage. Just call the police and report it, but let them know that you do not want to be involved in any way.
I know it sounds dark, but even if he ends up mentioning you by name in his suicide note as a final little fuck-you, do not engage. That’s how far you need to take this.
I hope I’m being crystal clear about what it means to cut someone out of your life forever, and for your own sake, I hope you’re strong enough to actually do it.
You keep bringing up the mantra fuck the police. I agree that the police can and do abuse their power and that reform should be an ongoing and continuous process. I also agree that the police are forced to enforce unjust laws that have led to an overcrowded and unsustainable prison system. But don’t you agree that the police do serve the public interest in much of what they do such as bringing burglars, white collar criminals, rapists, and murderers to justice?
You’re confusing the police for the criminal justice system, and you’re confusing public interest for the establishment.
For the record, the police do not bring people to justice. All they do is enforce the law. If you don’t understand the difference between justice and the law, then you’re fired from America, and you should drive down to Home Depot and give your citizenship to someone who deserves it.
Admittedly, the public interest is well served by criminal investigators and emergency first responders, but so fucking what? Those duties aren’t inherent to police. Any number of governmental departments and agencies can (and do) serve those functions.
What makes the police special, what makes them internationally fuck-worthy, is that they’re granted authority by the state to preserve order through the use of force. That, my friends, is the opposite of liberty.
Whether it’s sharia law in Tehran, drug laws in Los Angeles, or public nuisance laws at your local Occupy Protest, the police are the ones who can (and do) legally compel obedience through violence. I’m not cool with that.
At best, police power is a necessary evil. At worst, it’s a boot on your motherfucking neck. It will never be okay with me. I will never consent to that codicil of the social contract.
I do not recognize the state’s right to use force to compel my obedience, and that’s what I mean when I say, “fuck the police.”
What is this website? Why isn’t there an easy-to-find introduction?
This is an advice column. Boom. You’ve been introduced.
If you’re a little confused, it’s probably because you’ve spent your life being hand-held and spoon-fed in a world filled with picture menus, warning labels, and easy payments of $19.95. That’s fine, but it’s not what I do here.
Please, by all means, stay and read for a while. It shouldn’t take long before you can answer your own questions. It may not be easy, but it’s always better to find them yourself.
That’s the point, really.
How the hell can you NOT hate someone who abused you for 18 years?
If you can’t imagine yourself not hating someone, that means you’ve allowed that hate to become a part of your identity. You believe the hate you feel is an integral and inseparable part of you, but I promise, it’s not. You think it defines who you are, but all it does is corrode your soul.
It really is as simple as letting go of the hate. It may take some time to process all of your emotions, but that’s perfectly okay. The moment you realize that you don’t have to hold onto all that anger and resentment, you’re on a path to forgiveness.
And yes, forgiveness is your eventual goal. Not for your abuser’s sake — for yours. Forgiveness is not the same thing as absolution. It doesn’t mean your abuser is free from the consequences of his or her behavior just because you’ve let go of your anger and resentment. All it means is that you are free from the consequences of their behavior.
Remember, as long as you hate someone, that person still has the power to bring chaos into your life, but by letting go of the hate, you take away that power forever.
What does “I’m emotionally unavailable” even mean? I’m getting too much of that phrase from the guy I’m seeing. Could it also be the reason why we are termed “seeing each other” and not “in a proper relationship”?
In the context of a romantic relationship, the phrase “I’m emotionally unavailable” is a catch-all excuse used by selfish people to rationalize patterns of behavior ranging from garden-variety lack of character to downright malignant narcissism.
If the dude you’re seeing says he’s emotionally unavailable, believe him. It means that not only does he not love you, but he’s not capable of loving you, most likely because he’s too busy loving someone else. No, not another woman. Himself.
If he’s been saying it from the beginning of the relationship, you’re an idiot for not taking the hint and moving on. If he started tossing around the phrase only after sleeping with you, run for the hills. He’s bad news.
Of course, if you’re a love-stoned glutton for punishment, feel free to ignore the obvious and immerse yourself in an unhealthy, imbalanced relationship with a guy who’s neither willing nor able to make a meaningful connection with you.
I hooked up with a girl who goes to my college. Now she is starting to act like my girlfriend. I don’t want to date her, but I would like to be friends with her. Is there a good way to go about that without seeming like a jerk?
Quit worrying about seeming like a jerk, and just don’t be one. Tell her flat out that you don’t want to date her. Be honest, straightforward and compassionate. Don’t string her along, and don’t hook up with her again.
How can you speak so genuinely on forgiveness, yet when it comes down to your own mortal enemy, you still ignite into an angry woman wanting to duke it out with her? I am very, very sorry if I sound cynical or judging. I am honestly wondering on “how” you are able to do so. I am truly curious on this subject since I am struggling with forgiveness and have read through a lot of your insight on the subject.
I didn’t want to duke it out with that bitch. That’s why I turned the car around and went home.
My BFF called to warn me that she was at the party, drunk, and talking shit about the fact that I was coming. For me to have shown up to the party anyway would have been a deliberate choice to allow chaos and drama into my world. No, thank you. That’s not how I roll.
As for my blood boiling, well hell, what can I say? I’m only human. I hadn’t thought about that back-stabber in over two years. She was a mortal enemy for a hot minute in 2009. Big deal. I didn’t know that suddenly hearing about her would cause a flood of negative emotions.
I thought I had forgiven her. Certainly I’d moved on. I dunno, maybe I was just pissed that she leveraged some shit talk into fucking with my night.
Whatever. She’s the one who betrayed me. She’s the one who couldn’t even get my ex to fuck her, and she’s the one who’s so self-hating that she’s still acting out over shit that happened in another decade.
I guess the moral of the story is that just because I forgave her, it doesn’t make her any less of a hollow, damaged cunt.
Thought of you while I was getting laid. Cheers, from the inside of my friend’s girlfriend.
Go fuck yourself.
Not to be touchy, but someone trying to change how I dress is likely to set off a ton of red flags in my book. Not saying the guy isn’t a slob and couldn’t do better, but he is who he is.
“He is who he is” isn’t an excuse to be a slob any more than it’s an excuse to be a serial killer. If a man has a distinct style, and a woman comes along and tries to change it, that’s definitely worthy of a red flag, but dressing like a slob isn’t a style. It’s a lack of style.
If a grown man deliberately cultivates the look of a high-school stoner, then yes, that would technically be his style, but that’s not what’s going on here. (If it is, that’s a whole different set of issues.) What’s going on here is apathy. That’s what this woman means when she says her man dresses like a high-school stoner. The dude just doesn’t care.
That’s not acceptable to her, and the only thing she can do is try and get him to start caring about his appearance. Maybe he’ll start giving a shit. Maybe he’ll tell her to go fuck herself. Either way, she’ll learn something about the content of his character.