I can’t tell if I’m his therapist, or his girlfriend. What do I do?

Do you have kids together? Are you in love? No? Break up with him. Life is too short. Go find someone remarkable.

When I get home from school and change my clothes, I often find blobs of white goo on my inner thighs. What’s wrong with me?

Um, this really depends on whether you’re a guy or a girl.

I am in the breaking-bad-news business lately. what is the best way to bring up sad or uncomfortable news that minimizes shock and judgment and maximizes patience and understanding?

Hmm… are you firing people, or is this a “you might want to get yourself tested” type situation?

In either case, just get it over with. Be respectful. Be brief. Be direct. Make sure it’s private. Don’t corner anyone with the bad news. If you’re going to ruin someone’s day, at least give them access to the door.

Say what you gotta say, and then shut the fuck up. Allow for reaction. Allow them to process for a moment. Be compassionate, but remain as unemotional as possible. Let them be the ones to broach the silence.

Answer questions in as few words as possible. Don’t ramble, and don’t drag it out. If you’ve said what you need to say and all questions have been answered, end the conversation.

Good luck.

I was having a conversation earlier today with a man I am involved with(not yet sexually) and somehow the topic of vaginas came up and he went off on how women with large labia minora are disgusting, and then continuously referred to them as “arbys beef and cheddar” “roast beef” and “beef curtains”. From this my pussy quenched tight and my stomach churned out of disappointment, I wanted to vomit, my vagina is in the large labia minora category. I then told him that, at his age, I would assume that his sexual maturity would be high enough that the appearance of a pussy, unless covered in herpes sores, wouldn’t matter to him because they all function the same way. From this, he got the implication that my vagina had the large labia minora and proceeded to tell me things weren’t going to work out. I am now back to square one, my short contentment with the appearance of my vagina has been run to shambles because this is not the first I’ve heard of men hating “beef curtains”. I am heavily considering getting a labiaplasty to avoid any future issues on the subject.

First of all, your pussy clenched. Under these circumstances, I assure you it did not quench.

Secondly, the conversation you were having was not with a man. It was with a half-retarded Dane Cook fan whose locker-room opinion isn’t worth the virginity he undoubtedly has yet to lose.

If you insist that searing off your pussy lips with a James Bond laser is a good idea, at least do it for yourself and not to please some adolescent asshole.

Anyone who refers to your vagina as fast food doesn’t deserve to influence your self image whatsoever, so if you want to avoid future issues on the subject, perhaps you should cut the douchebags out of your life instead of cutting the flesh off of your genitals.

Just think about it.

Long story short, my usual pattern of meet a guy, hook up once, part ways forever changed when I met a guy, hooked up once, and then kept hooking up, drunk and sober. We never had a “talk” about “where things were going” because initially, he was more into me than I was into him. But once I started liking him, I felt like he could almost smell it, and he became less interested. We went from seeing each other every other day to once or twice a week—is it ending and I’m too dumb to realize it, or is this just how things are? I’m afraid to be the vulnerable one in this situation—I wanna know if it’s over so I can move on before he does.

Oh, grow up.

God forbid you should have enough self respect not to play silly games, but since you insist on acting like a small woodland creature, you might as well scamper away now.

Then again, maybe you could stick around, accept the fact that you’re already vulnerable, and practice your relationship skills like a woman instead of a girl.

Quit treating him like an opponent and start treating him like a partner in crime. Celebrate the fact that you might like him, and don’t fear letting him know. If it doesn’t work out, it’ll hurt for a hot minute. So what.

Vulnerability is not the same thing as weakness.

I’ve been best friends with a guy for two years. Fucking him for almost three months and dating him for one. Our entire friendship he has suppressed his desire for me and when we started fucking it was so incredibly surprising that I eventually stopped giving a shit that it might ruin the friendship. I’m still not worried about that. What I am worried about is that his sexual appetite has diminished. He has been having family problems as well as financial problems and I know that stress can put a damper on the sex life, but still, I’m insecure. I continue to worry that he’s getting his fill somewhere else or he just isn’t attracted to me anymore. I’d like to note that even though we have sex LESS, it is just as good as ever. Any words of wisdom?

Your pussy doesn’t have that new car smell anymore. You’ve been fucking for three months, so the novelty has worn off. That’s all. It’s really no big deal. It doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you or that you won’t live happily ever after. This is just how guys are.

Actually, when you add the external problems with family and finance, you should consider yourself lucky that it’s only the quantity and not the quality that’s slipping.

You need to chill the fuck out and quit thinking this is about you. Have you gained weight? Are you nagging him more than usual? No? Then it’s not about you. Honestly, you need a xanax more than he needs a viagra.

And don’t get all paranoid thinking that he’s getting his fill somewhere else. Just because a guy is fucking you less doesn’t mean he’s fucking somebody else more. It doesn’t work like that. Besides, if you’re really his best friend, then you’d know in your gut if he were getting some on the side.

coketalk, i hate myself. i am 5”8, 135 lbs, vegan, and exercise for 1 hr a day, and objectively and honestly i probably have an ok face. but i think i am the most disgusting, fat piece of shit ever and i don’t feel like i deserve anything nice or worldly. i have tried to commit suicide several times, since the age of 11, and have a fucked up liver from eating entire bottles of aspirin and alcoholism. i have major depressive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an undefined social disorder from an abusive childhood and hearing my mom getting raped by my dad for years. tell me why i should live?

You’ve reduced your personal description to a series of dietary statistics and mental disorders. Of course you hate yourself.

It’s not my job to tell you why you should live, but if you want my advice I suggest you go eat a fucking steak. That shit is delicious. Definitely worth living for.

I’m not joking. Vegans annoy the fuck out of me, especially ones who use a pretentious lifestyle choice as a cover for an eating disorder.

So, here’s what you do. Find your nearest steakhouse — any old Sizzler will do. You’re a beginner, so order up a filet medium-well with some A1 steak sauce. Chew slowly. While you savor that delicious hunk of meat, I want you to make a list of all the wonderful things you would’ve done with your life if you hadn’t been the victim of childhood trauma.

After you’ve had a steak, write me back and tell me what’s on your list.

Is it OK to be against gay marriage if I’m also against straight marriage?

I love this question. Hell yes it’s okay to be against all marriage, gay or straight.

Banning just gay marriage is pure fucking evil, but I would vote to ban all marriage in a heartbeat.

Fuck marriage. It’s an outdated religious institution that has absolutely no business being a matter of law whatsoever. As far as I can tell, these days it does more harm than good.

I’m not saying two people shouldn’t get married. Folks should feel free to skip on down to whatever flavored church they like, say whatever magic words they think matter, and *poof* — they’re married.

Seriously, live whatever kind of life you want to live. I’m just saying the government doesn’t need to play a role in our love lives at all.