Dear Coquette,

I’m scared of dying. I think about it every day, several times a day. I’ve had several people close to me pass away and ever since I’ve been ruminating about how life is so temporary, and how we are so little and insignificant, and every moment I’m away from the people I love is another moment lost without them. Even when I’m with them, I’m freaking out inside about how I need to hold on to each moment for dear life and it stops me from enjoying my time with them.

I can’t handle the unknown. People tell me “carpe diem,” but really the idea that I have to live life to the fullest scares me to death. The reality is I can’t live life to the fullest. I have to make money to support myself and so on; I don’t have the chance to go skydiving and backpacking and such.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t live my life in fear every day. I would rather die and have it over with than go through every moment with that tight feeling in my chest, knowing that nothing will last. I’m not sure what I’m asking of you — maybe for some inspiration, but more likely for a good kick in the ass to snap me back into reality.

I’d be happy to give you a good kick in the ass, but I doubt it would do much for your anxiety disorder. There’s not much I can say, either. You’re gonna die. We all are. Sorry, dude.

One day, you will exhale your last breath, your heart will stop beating, and your consciousness will simply cease to exist. It all ends for every last one of us, but that’s no excuse to freak out. In fact, your goal in life should be to embrace your fleeting insignificance. Allow it to become a source of freedom, not a source of dread.

If that seems impossible, it’s because your mind is too busy reeling at the idea of an unknowable future, one that you inevitably aren’t living to the fullest. Even carpe diem is a prompt for your anxiety. Thing is, you’re missing the point. Seizing the day isn’t some goal-oriented, skydiving-and-backpacking sort of thing. The wisdom lies in recognizing that the only time you’ll ever have is right now. It’s about being present in the moment, wherever you are, regardless of the circumstances.

In fact, that’s the rest of the quotation. Carpe diem quam minime credula postero. It means “Seize the day, believing as little as possible in the future.” Did you catch that? Believing as little as possible in the future. Horace knew what he was talking about.

You are believing way too much in the future. You’re constantly up in your head about it, and yet none of that stuff in your head is real. That vast and scary unknown? It doesn’t really exist. The future is an invention of your mind, one that is paralyzing you. It’s all just useless anxiety fodder that fills your heart with ice water and turns your spine to glass.

When the fear hits, you gotta push past that mess. Remind yourself that it’s not real. Believe as little as possible in the future. Focus on the here and now, and let go of the rest. Just let it all go, and allow yourself to be present in the moment.

This is easier said than done, I know, but it’s worth the effort. You can try breathing exercises, meditation, maybe even a shrink to whack you with a few milligrams of Xanax. But at the end of the day, you’re the one who has to find freedom in your fleeting insignificance.

Good luck.

Dear Coquette,

I’m engaged to be married to a wonderful man. After a string of unhealthy and abusive relationships, I finally got my act together enough to quit seeking sadists and take up with a total package man who is smart, hot and incredibly good to me. What we have is the real thing. I don’t want to screw it up, for my sake and for my son’s sake, who the wonderful man is now being a wonderful dad.

But despite a ton of therapy and hard work, my self-destructive tendencies aren’t gone for good. I’ve been cheating on him with a jerk from my past. There’s no good reason to do it. The sex isn’t very good, he treats me terribly, and I know if I continue to mess around with him I’ll lose the wonderful man in my life. I’m sure of it. 

I’m self-aware enough to know that this is a facet of my psychology that gets off on the betrayal and deceit of cheating. And no, it’s no coincidence that I’m cheating on the man of my dreams with a sleazebag who feeds my self-loathing. My therapist’s best advice is to just not give in, to take it one day at a time, and just say no. And that works just fine, until it doesn’t. As soon as he presses to see me a little, I cave. It’s like I just can’t wait to go back for more abuse.

How the hell can I force myself to stop this horrible behavior before it destroys my life and the lives of the two people I love most? I already know what I need to do. What I need from you is something, anything to help me succeed.  

Take it one day at a time and just say no? Your shrink sounds like Nancy Reagan at an AA meeting. Success isn’t not giving in. Success is not having anything to give in to. This isn’t about saying no. This is about not getting off on sleazebags in the first place.  

Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’ve gotten your act together. You’ve only learned how to play house. You are still damaged goods. You know it, I know it, and all the sleazebags sure as hell know it. You may be intelligent and self-aware, but that’s no cure for your flavor of crazy. Your intelligence merely allows for more complicated means of self-sabotage, and your self-awareness merely prepares you for the inevitable disasters.

Come on, girl. Just because therapy got you to stop looking for sadists, that doesn’t mean you’re cured of masochism. All that introspection just armed you with the ability to mask the same self destructive tendencies you’ve always had. Your therapist calls it progress because that’s what he’s trained to do, but you’re still a hot mess.

Sure, you’ve come a long way now that you’ve landed a guy who treats you with respect and looks after your little boy, but that’s all window dressing until your partner knows your whole heart. Unfortunately, you’d never show him, because you’re terrified that he’d run screaming for the hills. 

Well, guess what? He won’t. Just because you want to run screaming from yourself, that doesn’t mean the people in your life feel the same way. He’ll stick by your side, but you have to be brave enough to let him.

If this is the man you’re going to marry, then you have to share yourself completely. I’m not suggesting you confess your infidelity. You shouldn’t, not yet anyway. Confession isn’t the same thing as baring your soul, and showing him what you’re capable of doing isn’t the same thing as telling him what you’ve done.

Until you really dig deep and entrust your fiance with all the dark and sticky parts of yourself, you’ll never believe in the kind of love that he gives you. Of course, that’s your real problem. You’ve felt worthless all your life. You still do, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary. So much of your identity is still tied up in hating yourself that you act out in ways that you know damn well may ruin your life.

Quit it. There’s no excuse. Enough with all the psychological Band-Aids. Success is finally realizing that you’re an amazing woman who deserves the love that you’re getting in your healthy relationship. Once you finally feel worthy of that love, the thought of betraying it with some sleazebag will seem repugnant.

Dear Coquette,

My long-distance boyfriend’s grandfather just passed away.

The funeral will be this weekend and is located about three hours away from where I currently live. He will be there for it. I do not have plans to see him again for two more months, at which time I am supposed to be moving in with him. I volunteered to come and be supportive and yes, get to see him briefly. He apparently asked his mom if I could stay with them for the weekend and was denied by her saying it should only be family. He told me not to come.

I had mentioned beforehand that I did not have to stay the weekend, and in fact, could only come for the day, but that was not discussed as an option by him.

I feel kind of like a bitch for being a little upset about this. However, we are both in our 20s and we are pre-engaged (as in, we went shopping for an engagement ring a little bit ago). I feel like that should result in me being treated like more than the casual slut he is screwing by his mother. He could have at least tried to persuade her. I still get though that it is an awkward situation and I don’t want to intrude on their family time. I don’t get how that means I can’t even come up for a few hours to have dinner or something.

Is this even a question? I don’t know anymore. Help.

No, this is not a question. Let’s just pretend you were venting. That way, I won’t skewer you for being a thoughtless, self-centered little twit.

If you had any class and grace at all, you’d offer your condolences and shut the hell up. His parents are dealing with the loss of a father. They are going through an extraordinarily difficult time, and you don’t need to be adding even the slightest bit of static to the situation.

Don’t for one second make this about your needs or your ego. In no way should you expect him to try and persuade his mother of anything right now. You have no business expecting an invitation, much less inviting yourself. You are not part of the family, and at this rate, I doubt you ever will be. 

That’s right, kiddo. Pre-engaged? If only you knew how ridiculous that sounded. You aren’t pre-engaged. You’re in a frighteningly insecure long-distance relationship with a mama’s boy who took you to the jewelry store at the mall one time just to shut you up.

Take this whole situation as a massive clue. Your boyfriend’s mother doesn’t know about you, or she doesn’t like you. Either way, you are grossly overestimating the status of your relationship, and if you don’t back the hell off both your boyfriend and his family, I guarantee that ring is never gonna make it on your finger. 

Be cool, and quit assuming that your self-proclaimed pre-engagement entitles you to squat.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

OK, so I love this guy. We have tried dating, but I went crazy on him. More than once. Now he refuses to date me but still insists on hanging out and telling me that he cares and wants me in his life. My friends say he’s a jerk and that I should move on. I simply can’t! Whats a crazy girl to do?!

This right here is the reason I should start my own consulting firm with the mission of helping bitches turn crazy into wild. I’d call it Booze & Company, and I’d bill by the hour.

Seriously, girl. If I knew the flavor of crazy you unleashed on him, I could whip up the antidote in no time. In lieu of knowing just how nutter-butters you really are, let me just give you some generic advice.

The relationship started as a romantic one, and it will continue to exist as a romantic one. That means you can afford to stop getting caught up in the labels. Dating. Not Dating. It’s complicated. Who cares?

The Facebook status of your relationship is far less important than the foundation upon which it is established. You need to take a step back and recognize that you’re still in what amounts to a prolonged, awkward negotiation phase over the terms of the relationship.

Your negotiating position is significantly weakened by all the crazypants you’ve been wearing, but he still cares. He still wants you in his life. If you pull it together, you can still salvage things.

Now, my guess is whatever whack-job thing you did to freak him out was the result of garden variety jealousy based on even more garden variety insecurity on your part. You love this guy, after all. It scares the hell out of you, and as a result, you get a little tweaked.

Well, at the end of the day, this has to become an exercise in embracing your vulnerability. Your vulnerability is the dark and sticky part that terrifies you, and if you want this to work, you’re gonna have to get all warm and cozy with whatever it is at your core that brings out the batshit. After all, batshit is just a couple ingredients away from gunpowder, and if you know how to handle it, you can take over the world.

Embracing your vulnerability is the extra ingredient you need right now to turn the part of you that’s a weakness into the part of you that’s powerful. Coming to terms with your underlying insecurity is the difference between crazy and wild. It’s what turns a jealous nature into an adventurous one.

Thing is, I can’t really tell you how to do that. It’s for you to figure out. One thing to keep in mind, though. This relationship isn’t going to last forever. It will putter along for a while, and you guys may even be quite happy for a time, but this isn’t gonna be the guy you marry or anything.

I’m not saying that to be mean. I’m only saying that to add a little perspective to the proceedings, because ultimately, the goal here should be for you to embrace your vulnerability for your own sake, not for his.

Good luck, babe. I hope you turn that crazy into wild.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

Dear Coquette,

I’ve been dating a guy for about two years now.  We’re both 24.

Anyway, I went back home with him a few weeks ago to spend the weekend with his family for the first time. They’re nice people, but I was immediately struck by what I guess you might call class differences. My house is filled with books, instruments, art, etc. I was raised by two Ph.D.-earned university professors. I grew up in an extremely intellectual and pretentious environment.

His parents barely graduated from high school. They hunt for recreation, and their entire house is camouflage-themed and there is taxidermy all over the place. There’s no books anywhere in the whole house.

I love my boyfriend, and I know we’re intellectual equals. For God’s sake, we both went to the same really prestigious university and majored in the same thing. 

The only problem: He and I are really serious, and when I think about having kids with him, I feel great — but then I think about raising our kids with his family environment, whose activities are more geared towards drinking Busch Light in front of the TV than reading Euclid in its original Greek, like my family.

Is it stupid to be worried about my boyfriend’s family and how it might affect the future intellectual stimulation/class of our kids?

Any advice on dating someone who seems to come from a lower caste?

Be blunt. As you usually are.

You do know that ‘pretentious’ is meant to be a pejorative, don’t you? Not that you don’t sound pretentious, because you certainly do. Quite frankly, you sound like an arrogant little twit. That’s fine, I suppose. It’s clearly how you were raised, what with all those Ph.D.s laying around the house in their original Greek.

It’s a shame Euclid never wrote about American socioeconomic stratification, because then you’d realize how tacky it is to refer to your boyfriend’s “lower caste.” We don’t have a caste system, and to imply otherwise is to demonstrate either ignorance or insensitivity to the nature of class structure in this country.

You are not a member of an elite caste. Your boyfriend is not an untouchable. He just comes from a family of bookless, beer-swilling hunters, and you come from a family of pretentious, Ph.D.-earning professors. Aside from its potential as a cheesy sitcom premise, there’s nothing all that remarkable about your circumstances.

You are way too focused on class here. I promise, your kids will not be born with little baby mullets. They will merely have two hilariously different sets of grandparents, and that’s a good thing. The real source of friction over the years will be your arrogance toward the in-laws.

You’ve got to get it out of your head that they are lower than you. Are they less educated? Sure. Are they less sophisticated? Sounds like it. Does that make them somehow beneath you? Hell no. Don’t forget that whatever their faults, they managed to raise a son whose upbringing led him to the same prestigious university as you.

When it comes to your potential in-laws, there are only two questions that you need to ask yourself. Are they good people, and is their son someone with whom you are genuinely compatible? If so, you’ll be fine.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

Dear Coquette,

I was talking to my girlfriend the other day and she said that omitted truths are different than lies. She even went as far as saying that omitting truths isn’t wrong.

For example, suppose a friend went into my house while I was away and stole something. If I were to come home and ask him him what he was doing, and he replied “just chillin,” or something of that nature, he would be omitting a truth.

I should specify that I believe that omitting the truth is wrong when the result is neither benign nor positive for all parties — not when the consequences are neutral or positive. I believe that it’s wrong to omit a truth if doing so has the potential to do harm.

I can concede that an omitted truth may not be in the same category as a lie but I believe that it still carries the same severity.

She believes that of course lying is wrong, but omitting the truth is not wrong. She brought up an example of politics. She states that it is essential for politicians to omit truths because if they didn’t there would be no progress. I can agree with this statement to some degree, but I don’t think the sake of progress or “to make things easier” makes omitting truths alright.

I was hoping you could comment on this argument because she and I disagree and I respect your opinions.

Whether you are omitting truths or telling lies, you are still committing willful acts of deception. The only difference is that omissions are passive and lies are active.

You and your girlfriend are getting all caught up in the difference between passive and active, but so what? A willful act is a willful act, and in both instances, your free will is the proximate cause of that deception.

Omitting truths isn’t about right or wrong any more than lying is. Ethically, it’s all the same cocktail, because what we’re talking about here are willful acts of deception. Sometimes deception is necessary and good. Most of the time deception is wrong, and occasionally it’s downright unforgivable.

Come on, kids. Didn’t you ever stop and wonder why in all those courtroom dramas they make witnesses swear an oath to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? It’s because if you omit part of the truth, then it’s not the whole truth, and you’ve broken your oath.

Right or wrong, omitting truths is deception.

Watch out for your girlfriend, dude. Her integrity is questionable. It’s not necessarily her fault, because she might have been raised by a pack of lawyers. Still, she seems to be of a certain opinion that while she might not openly lie to you, she’s under no obligation to be forthcoming.

If I were you, I’d get in the habit of asking leading yes-or-no questions.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

Dear Coquette,

I need to break up with my current boyfriend of three years, but I don’t know how. I live with him, and he moved from a nearby city to live with me while I go to school. He is madly in love with me and I used to be in love with him, but a lot has changed. I had an abortion last May, and decided to move in with him because he was so helpful during the whole situation. I feel, though, that I have never gotten any time to spend on my own to deal with it. Also, I cheated on him last October with an old fling. I told him about it, but the problem paled in comparison to what we’ve already gone through.

I feel like I cheated on him to get out of the relationship and for him to break up with me, but that’s the last thing he wanted to do. I know that’s wrong of me, and it didn’t work. I don’t know how to plan to move out and find my own place and tell him I can’t be with him anymore, especially because he won’t take no for an answer.

I feel stuck, and I’ve definitely put myself in this situation, so I should be the one to get myself out. But I don’t exactly know how to plan through it. I keep putting it off.

Grow a spine already, geez. He won’t take no for an answer? Please. This isn’t up to him. The relationship is over whether he likes it or not, and you shouldn’t be sticking around if it’s against your will.

As soon as you’re done reading this, hit up Craigslist and start finding a new place. It’s better that your soon-to-be ex not feel entitled to just show up wherever you live, so I’d recommend you choose a house with roommates. 

Find something that’s month-to-month, and whatever you do, don’t sign a lease that’s longer than six months. You’ll be in post-break-up flux, and you need the option of moving again once you get yourself together.

Put a deposit down on a guest room somewhere and have the place ready and waiting. Pick a day when you know your boyfriend will be gone and pack it all up. Have your best friends help you throw your stuff in boxes. Hire a mover if you have to. Just get it done.

Get all your property out and over to the new place, take nothing of his, and don’t leave anything behind that you wouldn’t want thrown away. Don’t tell your boyfriend about your plans, and certainly don’t give him your new address. Simply leave. Get out. Go. 

When a break-up is messy and one-sided like this one, the person doing the breaking needs to treat it like an execution. Don’t let it be slow and painful. You’ve got be strong enough to make it clean, fast and permanent. 

You don’t even need to plan the break-up conversation. Trust me, it’ll happen naturally. Just focus on moving out and cutting ties. Don’t stay friends with him. Don’t agree to keep seeing him. For your sake and for his, no contact for a good long while. None.

There’s no need to be mean about it. You don’t even have to be cold. Just be firm and unwavering in establishing the new boundaries, and don’t for one second put up with any emotional blackmail.

Don’t drag this out anymore. 

End it.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.