Dear Coquette,

Why won’t guys look at me? I’m 30, pretty, smart, well-educated and have a good career. I like to think I’m a strong woman (or at least appear to be strong, since I’m whining here). Yet when I go out with friends, all of whom are in relationships, guys hit on my friends, never on me. It’s like I don’t exist. True, I’m not very good at hitting on guys, but my friends get hit on without doing anything. Damn, sending this question feels weird.

Either you’re wrong about being pretty, or you’re wrong that guys never hit on you. Take your pick. It’s one or the other.

If you’re willing to jump right in and call yourself pretty, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, which means that unless you’re an insufferable bore or a big pile of awkward, you’re probably just clueless when it comes to being hit on.

Odds are, you have a selective memory. You remember all the guys who hit on your friends, and you remember all the guys who didn’t hit on you when you wanted them to, but you don’t remember any of the poor bastards who tried hitting on you when you weren’t interested.

Of course, pointing this out doesn’t solve the real problem, which is that you secretly think all your friends are much more attractive than you. It doesn’t matter whether this is objectively true. What matters is that you believe it to be true.

Yes, that’s really the problem. I didn’t need to know that all your friends are in relationships, but you thought it was important enough to tell me. It bugs you. That’s the tip of your iceberg of resentment.

This entire question is a head-fake towards male attention when at your core you have issues with female competition among your friends. You start out with, “Why won’t guys look at me?” when what you’re really asking is, “Why are guys looking at them?”

That kind of indignation is poisonous to female friendship, especially when you don’t recognize that it’s there. You need to acknowledge some of your underlying feelings about your friends, and deal them with before your negativity starts to fester.

Dear Coquette,

I’ve just realized that I treated one of my exes very poorly during our break-up. I feel terrible about it and it was never my intention to be cruel, and I want to apologize. I understand this is just me trying to get rid of the guilt I’m suddenly feeling, but do you think it could be mutually beneficial? Should I try a short and direct call or email or just forget about it?

If you genuinely believe that an apology might have a positive effect on your ex, then it’s something to consider. If an apology will have a negative effect on your ex, and you’re just trying to get rid of the guilt, then don’t do it.

The whole point of an apology like this is that it’s not about you. It’s entirely about someone else’s feelings. The goal should be closure for your ex, and any benefit you derive from that is incidental.

I’m 20 going on 40. He’s 30 going on 20. Does this work? Or am I just fooling myself into thinking our respective stages in life won’t get in the way of a serious relationship?

You’re fooling yourself, but not about what you think. You’re not going on 40. You just think you’re way more mature than you actually are. He’s not going on 20. He’s just an emotionally stunted man-child more comfortable dating a girl than a woman.

Yes, you’re still a girl. Quit making that face.

The good news is that your respective stages in life won’t necessarily get in the way of a serious relationship. You’re not gonna live happily ever after, but hey, sticking it out for a year or two at your age definitely counts for something.

I’m in love, but we’re going to college next year. She to Yale, I to Vanderbilt, so it’s most likely too far to keep a relationship in college. Do I just let it go or give a long-distance relationship a shot freshman year in college? It seems like it’d be near impossible, but I want to know what you think about it. Thanks, Coquette.

Let it go. Try to make it as mutual as possible. Your heart will break and you will miss her terribly that first semester at college. Still, if you say your goodbyes and split amicably, you’ll end the relationship on a high note.

If you try to stick it out, at best your relationship will die a slow death of long-distance starvation. At worst, incidents of infidelity will destroy your mutual respect. Either way, it ends badly.

It’s hard to see now, but the best outcome is that you remember each other fondly in the years to come. Life is long. It’s much better to have your first love as a friend 10 years later.

Dear Coquette,

I’m currently stewing in a pretty classic dilemma and would love your help. I’ve been into this guy for a few months now. He’s everything I want in a dude — intelligent, funny, genuinely kind, a great dresser, and has fantastic taste in music/books/movies. He’s been flirting with me pretty heavily, but then last night (after kissing me on the head and telling me he wishes we were closer) he mentioned that he has a girlfriend.

Obviously I’m disappointed — I’m just trying to figure out the best course of action from here. It’s inevitable that I’ll see him at least 3x a week for the next month or so. Do I try to get over him via ferocious makeout sessions with strangers at parties? How do I move on with dignity mostly intact?

This is neither classic, nor a dilemma. You are not stewing, and there’s nothing you need to move on from. At worst, you are experiencing minor disappointment over what amounts to garden-variety douchebaggery from some dude in one of your classes.

You don’t need to get over this guy. If anything, you need to get over yourself. Feel free to have ferocious makeout sessions with strangers at parties, but not for his sake. Don’t make anything you do be about him. He isn’t even worth the time it’s taking me to answer your self-absorbed little question.

Get a handle on your crush, kiddo. You felt a few warm and fuzzies, but the guy is unavailable and probably not all that trustworthy. Recognize that it’s not a big deal, and quit letting it go to your head.

We broke up, yet we’re still having sex and spending time together, having agreed that dating other people is cool as long as we communicate about anyone new. After talking about this, he said he still has no interest in dating anyone else other than me. My reaction to this is a feeling of guilt and an uncomfortable control over our relationship. I can’t tell whether continuing this is a good idea or not. Any advice?

You never broke up. Not even a little bit. Either end it for real, or acknowledge that you’re still in a romantic relationship, albeit one that’s past its expiration date.

If you don’t know how to break up, the first step is to stop having sex and spending time together. The next step is to stop allowing yourself to be emotionally manipulated by your ex. After that, I highly recommend actually dating other people.

After being with my boyfriend for about a year, I’m about to become single again due to distance, amicable differences, and his college graduation. Any advice on how to adjust to being single again without total emotional destruction?

Total emotional destruction? He’s graduating, not dying. Yeah, it’ll suck on a few lonely nights, but don’t be a drama queen. Have a few good cries, spend lots of time with your friends, and eventually you’ll find that you’ve moved on.

Dear Coquette,

I met a guy last week at a gay friend’s party. We hit it off, but he is bisexual and doesn’t believe in monogamy. I am also bisexual, a woman who mainly sleeps with men, and sees marriage to a man in my future. I have considered open relationships but have never tried one. A few of my friends (most of them gay) are in open relationships and it seems to work. I feel like I can fall in love with this man as we have so much in common and we connect on so many levels. I am 31 and want a family soon, and I want to let myself fall in love with him but am scared that I will get hurt if we pursue an open relationship. I know it’s only the early days but a part of me wants to try and experience this new sexual frontier in a loving and supportive manner. Another part of me wants to run for the hills.

My, what a lovely collection of red flags you have.

Let’s start with the fact that you’ve only known this dude for a week and you’re already talking about letting yourself fall in love. Come on, you’re old enough to know better than that. These are not the early days of a relationship. These are still the early hours of a crush. Get a grip.

It’s perfectly fine if you want a family soon and don’t want to waste time dating men with no long-term potential, but don’t confuse having high standards with this romantic version of a fight-or-flight response. You’re acting like a love-stoned teenager, and that’s no way to make a rational decision about a potential partner, especially one who challenges your ideas about commitment.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t explore new sexual frontiers with the non-monogamous bisexual guy, but you shouldn’t kid yourself either. If you want that experience, you’re probably gonna have to hit the snooze button on your biological clock for a hot minute, because new sexual frontiers are almost never the path that leads to marriage and kids.

This has nothing to do with monogamy, by the way. Open relationships can be great, but you both still have to have the same life goals. You are ready to settle down and start a family. Is this guy ready to settle down too? Will he freely admit to wanting children in the next five years? I kind of doubt it.

It’s wonderful that you’re smitten, and it’s understandable that you’re a bit freaked out by the implications of an open relationship, but don’t get distracted from your relationship fundamentals. Are you two genuinely compatible, and do you share long-term life goals?

Relax. You don’t have to answer that question until at least the second week.

Dear Coquette, 

He’s the worst person I’ve ever known and simultaneously the most amazing. He does the worst things you can imagine. Lying, cheating, lying about cheating. Here I am, a smart woman with no illusions about who this guy she loves really is, sticking around and letting him flay her again and again. I could explain why and what I think about it but it’s inconsequential.

Whether or not I have no illusions about him, I must be delusional or hate myself to continue to allow him access to me, right? I guess my question to you is this: Can you love someone who lies to you, hurts you deeply, cheats on you and find some way to make peace with that/be bigger than that, or am I just being another stupid smart person trying to rationalize an emotional dependency?

Of course you can love someone who repeatedly lies to you, hurts you deeply and cheats on you. You can even find a way to make peace with it, but so what? None of that is an excuse to allow the bastard to remain a part of your life.

You know damn well what you have to do. You have to kick him to the curb, but you’re weak. It’s not that you hate yourself. You just don’t respect yourself, and he sure as hell doesn’t respect you either.

That’s what you need to realize and accept: He’s never going to respect you. When he gets caught, he might beg for your forgiveness. He might make romantic overtures. He might even miss you for a hot minute when you break up with him, but you should never confuse any of that kind of behavior with actual respect.

If he respected you, he wouldn’t betray you in the first place, and if you had some self-respect, you wouldn’t tolerate being betrayed. It’s time for you to gather up all your inner strength and stop allowing him access to you. Move on, fall out of love, and learn what lessons you can. Pick better on the next go-round.

You’re in too deep right now to see it, but I promise you’ll eventually realize that he wasn’t simultaneously the worst and most amazing person you’ve ever known. He was just some cheating douchebag who got under your skin.

There’s no shame in that, kiddo. It happens to the best of us.

Dear Coquette, 

First off, I love your blog, you’ve saved me from myself more times than you’ll know. The only thing is, I have a problem that I don’t know how to solve, and can’t ask anyone but you about it.

I’ve been going out with this guy for three months, and he’s pretty spectacular. He’s been really cool about all my personal issues (last boyfriend was an abusive jerk, and it made me really uncomfortable around guys), but we’ve started talking about having sex lately, and although I want to, he doesn’t want to use a condom. Apparently sex is horrible with them.

Now, this was a problem I had with my last boyfriend, and I only did it without condoms because he forced me. That resulted in me taking the morning after pill, but my current boyfriend doesn’t know it, and I don’t want him to.

Is there any way to tell him I don’t want to have unprotected sex with him without writing off sex completely? He’s been really good to me, and I don’t want to ruin everything.

You’re breaking my heart, kiddo. I’m sorry to have to be so blunt with you, but what I’m about to say is what you need to hear.

The guy you’re with isn’t at all spectacular. He just seems spectacular because he hasn’t revealed himself to be as big an asshole as your abusive ex-boyfriend. I know you can’t see it yet, but he has a lot more in common with your ex than you realize.

I’m not saying he’s going to become abusive. Most likely he won’t, but he is going to become more and more emotionally manipulative as you fall deeper into the relationship.

Right now, you’re still in a courtship phase. You haven’t had sex yet, and he’s still pursuing you. This is as romantic as he’s ever going to get, and yet he’s already trying to manipulate you into not using condoms.

That’s a huge red flag. Even you see it. Hell, it’s why you wrote in to me, because you knew damn well that I’d hit you over the head with it. Obviously, you have to tell him that sex with you will be condom-only. Stand up for yourself. No unsafe sex. No exceptions.

That’s the easy advice. The hard part will be for you to start recognizing emotional manipulation and immediately shutting it down. To do that, you have to value yourself. You have to put your own health and happiness first.

Whenever you catch yourself thinking, “He’s been really good to me, and I don’t want to ruin everything,” take a deep breath and instead tell yourself, “My happiness and emotional well-being are more important than my relationship.”

Go ahead, say it out loud. 

Dear Coquette,

What is the difference between sluts and whores?

Sluts openly enjoy their sexuality. Whores put a price on their integrity.

Please note that a whore is not the same thing as a prostitute. A prostitute can certainly be a whore, but so can a politician or a CEO. Being a whore is not industry-specific.

Also please note that there is nothing inherently wrong with being a slut. The word itself is often used as a pejorative, but sluts like me are doing our best to re-appropriate the term.

I occasionally indulge in being objectified (i.e., at the gym or when out to drinks with friends), although deep down, I know that I value respect. What’s up with that?

I’m willing to bet that all you’re doing is enjoying some sexualized attention, and that isn’t the same thing as being objectified.

Objectification requires a certain level of dehumanization. Are you letting people treat you as merely an object of sexual pleasure? It’s the merely part that matters here, and unless after a few drinks with friends you start entering thong contests or flashing your boobs, the answer is probably not.

Even if you are engaging in a little “Girls Gone Wild” self-objectifying behavior, so what? It’s trashy as hell, but hey, do what you like. It doesn’t mean you forfeit your right to value respect.

I’m a lesbian, but I’m in the closet and make fun of gays in public. I know that’s spineless. OK … So the real problem is that I think my best friend is also a lesbian and I’m in love with her. Should I tell her that I’m lesbian and that I like her or just wait until I found out for sure?

Um, no. The real problem is that you’re in the closet and make fun of gays in public. Stop it.

Don’t do anything to, with, or about your best friend until both of you have come to terms with your own sexuality. A little experimenting is one thing, but if you’ve fallen in love with her, then there can’t be any confusion about either of your sexual orientations.

Falling in love with a friend is messy under the best of circumstances. Even if you both turn out to be lesbian, it doesn’t mean that your relationship can survive a transition from platonic to romantic.

Be careful and be sure, because if the two of you get romantic and then have a falling-out, the odds that your friendship will survive are quite low.