Dear Coquette,

I consider my really good friend one of the smartest people I’ve met. He is an aspiring poet and right now is teaching for a few years before getting his MFA. He told me recently that he intentionally tries to avoid learning (or at least any formal or in-depth learning) about both economics and philosophy, because he thinks ignorance in those fields will lead him to live a happier life. I think he might be right, but I can’t help think he is missing out on a lot of knowledge and truth about the world, even if it might make him unhappier. I guess he is free to do what he wants — do you have any thoughts about his choice?

An aspiring poet? What a gigantic asshole.

Listen, there’s nothing wrong with not being smart. We’re all born into this world with a certain amount of brains, and it’s perfectly fine not having the intellectual capacity to study economics or philosophy.

There’s also nothing wrong with having no interest in those fields, but that’s not what’s happening here. This guy is deliberately being lazy, and it’s disgusting for someone to intentionally avoid learning truths about the world because he thinks ignorance is bliss — especially someone with the brass balls to call himself a poet.

It’s bad enough when willful ignorance is the byproduct of some dogmatic belief system, but it’s absolutely repulsive when it’s a voluntary act by an intelligent person who just can’t be bothered.

Sure, he’s free to do what he wants, but this guy is an intellectual sloth not worthy of your respect.

Do you really believe in endings? I’m starting to think that there’s no such thing. What we consider an ending is actually just a transition into something different.

Of course I believe in endings. Life ends, my friend. One day yours will too, and as far as you’re concerned, it won’t matter much what happens to the rest of the universe after that, because there will be no “you” to experience it.

It’s fine if you want to incorporate conservation laws of mass and energy into your metaphysical belief system, and it’s fine if you want to imagine some sort of nebulous universal eternity, but you’re fooling yourself if you think it applies to you or your consciousness.

When it’s all said and done, dead is dead, and the only thing you’ll transition into is worm food.

I’m 21, and I feel like every time I think I get closer to “knowing myself better,” I’m actually wrong, and I need to start all over again. Why is my own identity so difficult to be understood by my own self?

You’re never starting all over again. It only feels that way because you think knowing yourself and acknowledging an identity are the same thing.

Dear Coquette,

My partner of three months recently broke up with me. His reason? He said he had feelings for his ex, and that we couldn’t be together anymore because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Well, I am pretty hurt regardless and I firmly believe the whole ex excuse was some lie to cover up the true reason.

I tried to continue in keeping myself in contact with him to figure out more details on why our relationship ended so abruptly, but I never received a response from him. He just closed the doors on me. Are you familiar with these type of break-up situations?

I just don’t understand. My parents accepted and adored him. We gave him everything. It was the perfect relationship, and I could tell he sincerely loved me.

Wow. I’m sorry to hear that your heart is broken, but that’s no excuse for this kind of behavior. You desperately need a fresh slap from reality, and I’m thinking the most efficient way to drill a clue through your thick skull is to share with you what your letter sounded like in my head.

The following is a direct translation of your own words from crazy talk into real talk. (Yes, I speak both fluently.) I hope this helps:

My spring fling, whom I dated for about as long as the first season of HBO’s “Girls,” recently broke up with me. His reason? He said he was done dating me, and that we couldn’t be together anymore because he was done dating me. Well, my feelings are hurt and I have a tendency to overanalyze things and then firmly believe whatever I want to believe.

I couldn’t take the hint, so I kept bugging him for more details on why he didn’t want to date me anymore, but I never could get him to take the bait. He knew well enough to ignore me. I’m not the only one this happens to, am I?

I’m clueless and in denial. My parents tell me whatever I want to hear. I feel like he still owes me. I have no idea what it means to be in a real relationship, and I obviously couldn’t tell how he really felt about me.

Dear Coquette,

No one will hire me. I’ve been applying for entry-level crappy barista and hostess jobs, and apparently no one thinks I’m competent enough to do a job a smart 6-year-old could do perfectly. Being a barista does not take skill. Smiling and showing people to a table does not require the degree that I’m in the middle of completing, yet no one wants me. Why?

You’re not getting hired because there are dozens of other people applying for the same jobs who are less of a bitch than you. Scoring an entry-level service industry gig isn’t about your competency. It’s about your attitude, and yours needs adjusting.

Drop the sense of entitlement. Employers can smell it on you before you walk in the door. One eye-roll within 50 feet of the interview, and you’ve already lost the job.

You’re not gonna get hired until you get humble, so get humble fast. Hell, you shouldn’t even have any pride to swallow. Show up shining, and be grateful just to be in the room.

If you’re not ready to hear me yet, that’s fine. Keep doing what you’re doing, because life has a way of beating this lesson into you eventually.

Do you believe all relationships between young people are bound to fail? I have been with my boyfriend for three years. He is my best friend and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But we are only 17 and 18 and I will be going on to college soon (though it is less than two hours away and likely he will go to college there, too). Is this an irrational hope or could two teenagers grow up without growing apart?

You can certainly stay in each other’s lives, but that doesn’t mean you’ll stay a couple. Maybe you will. Odds are, you won’t. That’s okay, though. Just remember that your relationship isn’t a failure if you grow apart romantically.

You are first loves and childhood best friends. That will always count for something, even if the two of you eventually grow apart. Life is long, sweetheart. Five years from now your circumstances are going to be completely different. If your lives change together, that’s great. If not, that’s okay, too.

Yes, if you eventually break up it will be incredibly painful, but pain is inevitable. It’s all part of the journey.

Do you feel like it’s possible to live a happy life as a cynical person?

Sure. They say ignorance is bliss, but if you already know too much about the world, a healthy dose of cynicism (especially in the classical sense) actually helps with happiness.

Cynicism is basically just pragmatic skepticism. It’s not inherently negative, but it gets a bad rap because people often confuse it with the negative attitude that comes from ironic detachment. That’s not really cynicism. That’s just being an asshole.

Just don’t let any misanthropy get mixed in with your cynicism, and you’ll be fine. 

Dear Coquette,

I’m right in the middle of prime-time wedding age. At least three of my friends are engaged, and several co-workers and former classmates are also hitching up. My boyfriend and I have been together about four and a half years, yet I know we’re nowhere near ready for marriage. In spite of this acknowledgement, I can’t help but feel jealous of those getting married. Not so much for the wedding, but because I do want to marry my boyfriend, and I want to be at that point in our lives together. How do I come to terms with my life moving at its proper pace and not think that I’m being “left behind”? And what should I do about the pangs of jealousy I feel whenever wedding talk comes up?

You’ve been in a relationship for nearly half a decade with a man you know you want to marry, smack dab in the middle of prime-time wedding age. So, how exactly are you nowhere near ready for marriage?

It sounds to me like you’re ready as hell, but you’re suffering from a raging case of cognitive dissonance brought on by the simple fact that your boyfriend hasn’t popped the question.

Yeah, yeah. You’ve got a million reasons to explain why he hasn’t proposed, and they all seem very real to you. You’re convinced that it’s not feasible, that life has a “proper pace,” and that you’re not yet at the right point in your lives together. That’s all bullshit.

Quit fooling yourself. You’re envious of your engaged friends because they have something you want, and what you want is a fiancé. It’s perfectly okay to want that — most girls still do — but you need to be willing to admit it to yourself without all the excuses.

You are ready. If your boyfriend isn’t, then deal with it. If he can’t afford a ring, then wear a Cracker Jack prize. If a wedding doesn’t make sense right now, then enjoy a long engagement, but whatever you do, stop pretending that you’re not ready.

I’m 22 years old, and there is no sense in me being married. But when you’re about to witness three separate friends propose in the same season, you’ve been to two weddings already, and the amount of weddings you’ve been to for peers is already unreasonably high, do you just accept it and consider these occasions as parties or is it a sign to start figuring life out?

Whatever you do, don’t confuse getting married in your early 20s with figuring your life out. Contrary to what you’ve been taught about adulthood, those two things have very little to do with one another.

In fact, the part they never tell you growing up is that you’ll never figure your life out — not really — so by all means, party your face off while you’re still 22, especially at all your friends’ weddings.

I might have a chance to get a full-time job doing what I love, but if I take it, I won’t be able to finish college right now. I honestly can’t tell which is more important, finishing my degree, or employment in a field I adore.

Will forgoing a degree prevent you from future advancement in your chosen profession? If not, take the job and don’t look back. If so, you should still take the job, but just be prepared to go back and finish up your degree if necessary.

Bottom line, you’d be an idiot not to take the job.

Dear Coquette,

I’m preparing for my wedding this fall. I’m not inviting someone in my group of friends because he is a severe alcoholic and I don’t want to deal with that at my bachelor party or reception. He’s been a part of my group of friends for the past 5 years or so, and everyone in the group has been spending less and less time around him because of his drinking problem. We’ve all approached him about it with concern, but we haven’t been able to make any progress because he’s a trust fund kid that sees no problem with his drinking (he’s 45 if that matters). The other members of the group say that I should invite him to both the bachelor party and the wedding and that they’ll “take care of him.” Do you think I’m OK not inviting him?

It’s your party. You can invite (or not invite) whomever you want.

If there is already a conspiracy afoot to “take care of him” because of his inevitable drunkenness, then that’s a pretty good indication this guy doesn’t need to be there. Your friends shouldn’t have to babysit him, and you shouldn’t have to worry about his behavior.

Remember, he brought this on himself. Drinking problems have consequences, and not being invited to your wedding is one of them. If he suffers enough consequences, he might eventually recognize he’s got a problem.

Fair warning, though. This will all but end your friendship. If he’s in denial about his alcoholism, he will only see this as an insult. He will not take it well, and he will blame everyone but himself. Try not to take his reaction personally.

A quick question on wedding shower gifts. What’s a good gift for a girlfriend and her guy that says, I love you, glad we’re friends, thanks for inviting me, but no, I didn’t have the money to buy you something major nor did I want to just buy you the one set of BBQ tongs from the registry because it was the cheapest thing. She keeps telling me not to worry about buying them anything but I feel silly showing up without SOMEthing. She’s a good friend but we’re not super close. I want to show I’m really grateful to have been invited to the wedding and thrilled for her and her guy without breaking the bank (hellooo, I have to buy a dress for the wedding too!). Gift ideas? Something I can make?

This is pretty much the reason why Etsy was invented. Take what you know about this couple and go find something reasonably priced and one-of-a-kind from a crafty little artist with an Etsy shop. You can use your friend’s gift registry as a jumping-off point, or just wing it.

While you’re at it, get a really nice letterpress card and spend more than five minutes writing in it. Include all that good stuff about how thrilled you are and how much you love them.

A friend with expensive taste has asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and I know I won’t be able to afford the dress, or the trip to Vegas for the bachelorette party, or the wedding in Cancun. How do I politely decline?

Just tell her you can’t afford it. Do it privately and in person. Be straightforward about your financial limitations, and don’t let her guilt you into spending money you don’t have.

A destination wedding like hers will cost you well over $2,000 before it’s all said and done, and you’re under no obligation to go into debt just because she’s getting married.

Dear Coquette,

I just got out of a crappy four-year relationship. I dated around and it was fun, but I recently found someone I want to settle down with for a little bit.

He has female friends he hangs out with regularly, which I shouldn’t care about, but for some stupid reason, I get insanely jealous. I want to tell my feelings to shut the hell up because really, my trust issues should not affect his life, but I can’t help feeling the stupid way I feel.

Should I break up with him for his own benefit?

For his own benefit? Shut up. Ending the relationship isn’t solving the problem. It’s avoiding the problem. You may be experiencing jealousy, but your trust issues are just a manifestation of some good old fashioned insecurity. Get over your insecurity, and you’ll be fine.

Here, let me shine a light on your problem: You hate the fact that his female friends are closer to him on many levels. You may be the one sleeping with him, but they’ve known him a lot longer than you have. They were there before you, and they’ll be there long after you’re out of the picture. Deep down, that’s the part that drives you crazy. That’s the root of your insecurity, and it’s incredibly unhealthy.

It also doesn’t help that you’re dragging along some inevitable baggage from your crappy four-year relationship. You didn’t give any details, but you mentioned it for a reason, so it’s definitely having a negative effect on your new relationship.

You have to get out from under the shadow of your old relationship. Let that mess go. Also, accept the fact that for a while in the beginning, his female friends are going to be a little bit closer to him than you are. Let that be okay, because it is.

Nothing is really wrong here that can’t be fixed the instant you decide to let some stuff go. It’s okay that he has female friends, and of course they know him better at first. It’s okay that relationships end, and that one way or another, this one will too.

It’s even okay that you’re insecure and jealous. Those are perfectly understandable emotions, and being okay with feeling them is the first step towards forgiving yourself, which is what you ultimately need to do in order to stop feeling jealous and insecure.

Don’t break up with him. That’s just giving in to your weakness. Take the time to build your inner strength and work through your insecurities instead.

Dear Coquette,

You seem like someone who knows something about healthy anger. I just tapped into some serious rage over childhood sexual abuse in a therapy session. My therapist is wonderful and is proving to be a great guide through this, but I’d also love some advice from my favorite ass-kicker. How do you stay angry? I’ve realized that I never let myself be angry, and I don’t want to lose it now.

Healthy anger? There’s no such thing. Your goal should not be to stay angry. Your goal should be to let go of your anger.

Right now it’s still fresh. You’re expressing anger that’s been suppressed for a long time. It feels good because you’ve experienced a breakthrough. That’s the healthy part of this process, and that’s the part you don’t want to lose.

Processing anger is a wonderful thing, but only if it allows you to move on, because anger is poison. Knocking it loose isn’t enough. You have to flush it out of your system.

Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions you need to feel, but don’t try to hold on to them afterwards. Anger leads to acceptance and ultimately to forgiveness. That’s where you want to end up: Forgiveness, and not for your abuser’s sake. For yours.

He’s got a lot of women swooning. He can have any one of them, and he chooses a few. He’s open about this. I’m one of them and so is she. He’s good to me. Great, in fact. It’s magical. But she’s also a stunning woman, a beautiful person, and very hard to hate. He doesn’t hide anything and tells me everything I want to know, but the jealousy still makes me insane. Do I have to give up this relationship because I’m too much of a pansy to handle it?

By your description of this other woman, it sounds like you’re more than just jealous. You’re also envious. Those are two separate but easily confused emotions that you need to deal with differently.

You should combat jealousy with trust, and you should combat envy with contentment. Remember, jealousy focuses on something you’re afraid to lose. Envy focuses on something you want to gain.

Your jealousy is your fear of losing him, but your envy is also your desire to have what she has. When you say she’s “very hard to hate,” that’s your envy talking. Get rid of the envy, and you’ll suddenly find her “very easy to love” instead.

Most likely your single biggest problem is that you feel like every hour he spends with her is an hour he doesn’t spend with you, but you simply can’t allow yourself to think like that. An open relationship is not a zero-sum game. If you’re gonna share, you can’t do it begrudgingly.

You have to trust that he’s being completely open and honest with you, and you have to be content with the time you spend together. If you can’t, that’s OK. Don’t stay in the relationship if it’s making you miserable.