Dear Coquette,

My dad is an idiot. He has three kids, and one stepkid who is significantly younger (comes with marrying someone 10 years your junior). He makes upwards of $300,000 a year. Now I’m living in poverty. I just graduated college and I am $70,000 in debt right off the bat because he didn’t help me with one cent of college. He was far too busy buying boats and multiple cars, not to mention two houses. I don’t have a functioning car, I can barely pay my bills and I’m completely drowning. Could you please, please explain to me how I can ever let go of all the resentment and anger I hold, every single day, toward him? It’s poisoning my life, Coquette. I want to let it go, but I can barely look at him and his new wife with her five-carat diamond ring on her finger and her brand new car. What can I do to fix this?

First of all, your dad is broke. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t afford to pay off your college debt or buy you a car. Your dad’s money is an illusion. Go ahead, ask him.

You’ll discover that after his taxes, his alimony and his insufferably predictable midlife crisis, he’s barely got enough left over to keep the damn lights on. No doubt he’s refinanced to the hilt and upside-down on the boat mortgage, and the secret he won’t tell anyone is that the ring on his trophy wife’s finger isn’t a real diamond.

Sure, a better man might have used the same money to set up educational trusts for his children, but that’s not the way your dad played it. That sucks for you, but then again, he never owed you a college education in the first place.

It’s time for you to grow up. Your dad is a materialistic douchebag, but you can’t afford to act like a spoiled brat. You’re an adult now, and his money isn’t your money. It’s as simple as that.

You also can’t afford envy. It’s worthless and ugly, especially in the face of an entry-level existence in today’s economy. It’s rough out there. Nothing is gonna come easy, and you’re going to struggle for a while. That’s just the way it goes.

Frustration is perfectly understandable, and resenting your dad is awfully convenient, but at the risk of turning this into an allegory for the millennial generation’s relationship with the baby boomers, you need to accept that he’s never gonna help you out. He’s only in it for himself, so you might as well just get on with your life.

Dear Coquette,

My dad had an affair with my mom’s (now ex) best friend, a woman who I grew up with as my “auntie.” It’s been about four years now and they are still together. She and I just cannot get along. We can be civil, but it’s really uncomfortable. I moved out of my dad’s at 17 because of it, and while I know it was the right decision for me, I barely have a relationship with him anymore. How do I make this work? I love and miss my dad but they are now a package deal.

You may love and miss your dad, but whether you consciously know it or not, you are also still incredibly angry with him, and you haven’t forgiven him for what he did to you.

No doubt you were a holy terror at 17, but so what? You were a teenage girl. You weren’t supposed to be the one who moved out, not like that. In essence what happened was that your father chose his new girlfriend over you after cheating on his wife, and to this day you resent the hell out of him for it.

A father isn’t supposed to choose his girlfriend over his daughter, and resentment is a perfectly natural reaction for that kind of betrayal. The thing is, you’ve projected all that resentment onto your “auntie,” so of course things are uncomfortable. She is living, breathing proof of your father’s rejection of both you and your mother. Unfortunately, that negativity will never go away until you acknowledge and then let go of the resentment you have for your father.

You have to forgive him. It’d be a lot easier to do that if your father would acknowledge his selfishness and apologize for his behavior, so you might want to gather up your thoughts and feelings and try talking to him. Take your time with this process. It’s heavy stuff. There are gonna be all kinds of emotions bubbling up and flying around.

Get all that stuff out, and then let it go. Once you come to a place where you’ve forgiven your father, things will automatically start getting better with his girlfriend.

What does the act of forgiveness entail? How do you know once you’ve reached that point? I mean, if you recall traumatic situations and painful memories and can remember how they hurt and angered you, can you still claim to have achieved forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the process by which you let go of anger and resentment. You will know you’ve reached the point of forgiveness when you no longer feel any anger or resentment, but it is not a process by which you forget that anger and resentment. To forgive is not to forget, nor should it be.

The very nature of forgiveness is the ability to remember how traumatic situations hurt and angered you without actually feeling any of the pain or anger.

That’s the peace that comes with forgiveness.

Dear Coquette,

I have struck gold. I found the most amazing man. I cannot even begin to describe to you all of the ways that he astounds and inspires me. We are deeply in love and have been together for some time. Lately I have been struggling with a conflict in some part of myself. It started when his ex-girlfriend moved back into town, or rather, I became more acutely aware of my personal struggle.

So the situation is this: He is open and fluid in his ability to give and receive love romantically and sexually with others besides myself. That being said, he respects my inclination towards monogamy and has told me that as long as I feel that way, he will never cheat on me. It would have to be something that we both agreed on and were comfortable with. I learned about his ability to love others as deeply as he loves me when his ex-girlfriend moved back. And now I am presented with the opportunity to learn and try to open myself to new possibilities.

Coquette, I am so scared. I have read a lot on your blog and other sources about open relationships. It was all sort of academic, though. I never felt like I could be that person or would want to be. I feel as though my love and devotion has one destination and that is my boyfriend. That’s just emotion, though. I know in reality that it doesn’t have to be that way, that love can flow freely to many sources and that there will always be more to give.

I have been physically sick over this. Why can’t I wrap my little head around this? Why am I consumed with dread that I will lose him to someone else? Why am I floundering in feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt, just because my partner has love to give? I feel as though he is something too hot to hold, like I can’t harness the energy he emits. I’m left feeling small and insignificant. I want to be able to learn from him and grow. What is this hand that has ahold of me deep inside my stomach that squeezes so tight? Why is it so greedy for his love? Is our relationship doomed? 

Jealousy is a powerful emotion. It’s primal, deeply embedded in those dark and sticky parts of your psyche where a fear of abandonment is still tied directly to your ability to survive.

You are in a classic struggle with jealousy. It’s a visceral thing. Those freshly squeezed guts of yours are growling about doom while your rational mind is pulling you toward openness, love and personal growth. It’s gonna take some bravery and bold moves to quell the cognitive dissonance you’ve got going on, maybe even a good old-fashioned leap of faith.

The key to all of this is trust. You have to trust that your partner’s motives are pure. You have to trust that you’re strong enough to share your partner romantically and sexually. Most importantly, you have to trust that your relationship will remain above all others, no matter what.

If you can gather up all of that trust, then maybe you can break through all those feelings of worthlessness and insignificance. Hell, you should let go of those anyway. They’re poison, whether your relationship is monogamous or open. Those negative emotions are just manifestations of fear, and it’s the fear that always ends up doing the damage.

Say it with me now: You are neither worthless nor insignificant. Quite the opposite. You are the one in control of your relationship. You are the one who decides if, when and how to move forward with this kind of thing. You’re the one who gets to mark the boundaries and set the rules. Recognize your own strength in this. Beat back the self-doubt with the trust you have in how much you love each other, and only open things up if it’s something you both want.

Opening up your relationship is a big deal. It’s terrifying. It’s also thrilling, but that’s not reason enough to do it. This has to be something with the potential to bring both of you more happiness. It can’t be one-sided. Make sure your happiness is an equal part of the equation, and if you decide that it is, then I wish you the best of luck with that leap of faith.

Dear Coquette,

I’m 27 and have been estranged from my father for nearly a decade. When he left us, he took off with the woman he was cheating on my mother with.

Life with him before he left us was hell. He was, and presumably still is, an abusive alcoholic. I vividly remember him picking me up by the back of my shirt when I was about 7 and throwing me down the hall. He would mercilessly beat the only dog I ever owned until I literally threw myself on the dog to make him stop.

I remember him getting hammered on more than one occasion and tearing apart furniture, then throwing the pieces at me and telling me I “ruined his fucking life.” When I was 16, I had my first boyfriend, and when I came home half an hour late after going to a movie with him my father screamed at me in the middle of the street, calling me a filthy slut, among other colorful things.

This is only the tip of the iceberg, but it gives you a general idea of what kind of person he is.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I got a call from a police officer saying my father had gone in to put out a missing persons report on me. The officer explained that my father told him that what he really wanted was to reconnect with his family. No missing person report was made (because, as the officer explained, estrangement does not equal “missing”), but the officer did ensure my father he would contact me and pass along a phone number where my father could be reached, which he did.

I still have the number and am debating calling. The only reason why I’m on the fence is because recently my aunt mentioned she heard something about him possibly having pancreatic cancer.

While that’s a pretty awful hand to be dealt, I don’t really feel any sympathy for him after the way he treated me and my family. But for some reason I’m feeling guilty; like I should call him at least once before he dies. However, the more logical part of me is saying, “No, he doesn’t just potentially have cancer, he IS cancer and screw it if he’s your biological father. You never asked to be related to this jerk and you don’t owe him anything.”

Am I wrong for wanting to go back to pretending he doesn’t exist or should I call him one last time?

Like it or not, your father does exist. You don’t owe him anything, but it might be a good idea to say goodbye. If he does have pancreatic cancer, he’s not gonna be around for very long. If he dies without you getting some sort of closure, it’s gonna mess with your head for the rest of your life.

Consider making your peace with him. That doesn’t mean you have to let him back into your life. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. Still, you need to forgive him. It doesn’t matter whether your father deserves it. The forgiveness is for your sake, not his.

Find a way. Take the time before you call. Dig deep, and truly forgive him. Let go of all that anger and resentment. That stuff is more toxic than he is.

Feel free to keep your distance from your father, but communicate with him to whatever extent you need to get the emotional poison out of your system. I promise, you’ll feel better. It’s a powerful thing to forgive.

Dear Coquette,

I blackballed a girl from living with me and my friends in our 10-person house this year, even though we had room (I’m in college). We felt that the girl was too much of a slutty party girl to live with us.

Now I am trying to make it up to her by being extra nice and inviting her out with us. She’s made it clear that she isn’t interested in accepting my apology. I am guilt-ridden over this, and I feel terrible. What should I do to make my apology heard, and how can I fix this? 

First and foremost, stop the damned slut-shaming. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to reject an unsavory roommate, but you didn’t say this girl was messy, unstable, or shady. You said she was slutty, which means you blackballed her for nothing more than openly enjoying sex. That’s a disgusting way to treat other women. Stop it.

Also, stop being “extra nice” to this girl. I know your type, and being extra nice just means acting all syrupy sweet out of a sense of self-admitted guilt. It’s fake. Insincere sweetness isn’t going to get you anywhere with someone who already knows you to be a judgmental bitch.

If you really want to fix this, skip the apologies and just be respectful. Showing this girl some genuine respect is the only way you’re gonna make it right.

Is it best to just ignore catcalls? A group of kids on the basketball team have an off-campus apartment on my street, and nearly every day I hear the same boring recycled catcalls coming from their porch. It’s a popular street for students, and I’ve heard a few girls say the same thing. One friend walks around the block just to avoid them. Seems unfair. Any clever ideas?  Thanks, Coquette.

If you want to achieve a result beyond your direct control, simply identify a source of authority that can act on your behalf and then apply the proper motivation. 

In this case, I’d show up at the basketball coach’s office with a reporter from your college newspaper, explain to the coach how his players are behaving, and then ask one simple question: “What are you doing to keep members of your basketball team from sexually harassing female students?”

Yesterday, after an amazing sex marathon, he called me “Lindsey,” who is the mother of his child. He apologized profusely and got me flowers the following day etc. … I just started grad school so I’ve been absent a little, but to be honest, I was not concerned. However … when I told my sister what happened, I realized that maybe this is something I shouldn’t shrug off since this is not the first time he’s called me by the name of one of his exes. Thoughts?

It’s not that big of a deal. Eventually he’ll quit doing it. If not, you can take comfort in the knowledge that one day, he’ll accidentally call out your name after sex with his next girlfriend.

Dear Coquette,

I met a girl at a party last night who told me that she was saving herself for someone special, whenever he’d come along. Long story short, she got drunk and ended up dragging my friend to a room and proceeded to have sex.

When I saw it happen yesterday, I honestly didn’t think much of it, but when I woke up this morning, I felt like maybe I should have stopped her from doing something she’d probably end up regretting. I’ve spent most of my after-high school life trying not to impose my own sense of morality on others, but I feel like in this case, when I was confronted with a more confusing scenario (she was very assertive to the people around her), I made a mistake and sat idly by. I’m not a big party person, and sadly (or thankfully?) that’s the first time I’ve actually seen that happen in front of me.

What should I have actually done?

If the girl made a conscious choice to get drunk and then instigated the sex by her own free will, then your neutrality isn’t to blame for any morning-after regret she might be feeling. You aren’t responsible for her dubious virtue just because she was blabbing about it earlier in the evening. She is responsible for her own decisions, stupid though they may be.

For what it’s worth, I’ve found that girls who make their virginity a topic of cocktail party conversation are a special kind of crazy, and the world is full of people who say one thing and then do the opposite, especially while under the influence.

You didn’t do anything wrong by sitting idly by while she got hot and heavy. Then again, you wouldn’t have been wrong to toss cold water onto the situation. Either would have been fine, because this isn’t so much about morality as it is about decorum.

In other words, any mistake you might have made didn’t fall on a spectrum of right or wrong. It fell on a spectrum of trashy or classy. 

Morally, you’re fine. On decorum, I’ll let you judge for yourself.

Dear Coquette,

I’m in a serious relationship with a man with whom I want to spend the rest of my life, but I’ve just been offered my dream job with an amazing team on the opposite side of the country. My boyfriend is in a good place at work, and it’d be unfair to ask him to uproot himself from the career he has worked so hard to build. In addition, he’s trying to reach a point where he can support his little sister in high school (and soon, college), so his parents can retire.

Moving isn’t an option to him. He originally had hoped that we would get married within the next two or three years. If I take the job, it would be a four-year commitment. Realistically speaking, I won’t be able to get an equivalent opportunity again, since my college GPA was low and I got the offer through some aggressive networking while interning at the company.

I feel like I have to choose between my career or family before I have either. Is there any way this could work? I’m just being selfish, right? To want to leave for four years and ask him to wait for me. He has said he would, but he’s incredibly hurt that I even applied for the position.

I should probably mention … we spent the last 18 months apart while I studied/temped out of state and we’ve been together two years. Knock some sense into me, please.

First of all, congratulations on your hustle. It’s not an easy thing to land your dream job in today’s economy, and it sounds like you’ve done what it takes to get your shot. You should be proud of yourself.

For what it’s worth, you’re not choosing between a career or a family. You’re choosing between a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to follow your dreams and a boyfriend who, despite a lot of talk, hasn’t put a ring on your finger.

The good news is, you’re still gonna have a family. The bad news is, it’s just not gonna be with your current dude. I know that’s an unimaginable thing to hear when you’re young and in love, but that’s just the way these things go. Sorry, kiddo. You have to sacrifice for what you want in life, and we both know damn well what you really want.

Take the dream job and don’t look back. Don’t ask him to wait for you. That’s not fair, nor is it realistic. You have to accept that moving across the country for half a decade will be the end of the relationship. It doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it make you selfish.

This guy isn’t your fiancé, much less your husband, so all your talk about wanting to spend the rest of your life with him sounds silly in light of your own self-made opportunity. I know right now you’re head over heels, but that kind of thing mellows with time, and if you pass up on your dreams just to stick around and be his girlfriend, eventually you will resent him for it.

Dear Coquette,

My boyfriend just went to jail. He had a court date and they took him into custody for not complying with his probation. His sentencing isn’t for another month and I’m going to do everything I can to be there. He knows I’m here for him, as does his family, and I already told him I’d wait, no matter how long it takes. I’ve been completely in love with him since I was a teen, but between the time I met him (when I was 14 years old) and now, I’ve been with other guys. While he’s away now, I’m just going to keep to myself. I really don’t want anyone else. He’s everything I want, even though he’s made mistakes. I accept him for who he is and he does the same with me. I have two kids that he absolutely adores and they adore him, too. Never, in my life, has anyone made me feel like this. I just know he’s the one. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that everything will be fine.

Everything will not be fine. Sorry, kiddo. You’ve made a string of poor life decisions, and you’re too dumb and in love to start changing that anytime soon. It sucks, because you brought two kids into this world when you probably shouldn’t have, and it’s not their fault you’re such a loser.

Yeah, that’s right. I called you a loser. I know it’s not good manners to just come out and say it like that, but it’s the damn truth, and if you’re ever gonna start changing your life, you need to feel a little shame for the choices you’ve made thus far.

I’m not saying you’re a bad person. Hell, I’m not even saying that your boyfriend is a bad person. I’m simply saying that it’s not okay to be a single mother with a boyfriend in jail. You’ve got to set higher standards for yourself than that. You’re a loser in love with a loser, and both of your kids will grow up to be losers unless you do what you can to stop being a loser.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to do that. Sure, I can tell you to raise your standards, end your relationship with this guy, get an education, and spend a lifetime working hard to provide an even better education for your kids, but you aren’t ready to hear that right now. All you want to hear is that it’s okay to keep acting like a love-stoned teenager. Well, it’s not. Your time for fooling around with bad boys ended the second you made the decision to become a mother.

No one with a clue could possibly give you any reassurance right now. Life is only going to get harder, and by the time you’re wise enough to want more for yourself, it’ll probably be too late to do a damn thing about it. Still, I hope you get it together one day. I really do. In the meantime, quit worrying about your love life and focus on motherhood.