Talk me out of purposefully getting knocked-up by my boyfriend.

You are not ready for the privilege of motherhood.

It’s as simple as that.

I’m very sorry that you’re not happy with your life, but it’s because you’ve surrounded yourself with the wrong people.

Your boyfriend, for instance — he’s the wrong guy for you. If you don’t respect him enough to be open and honest with your intentions, then you don’t belong together. Trust me on this. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in love — and you’re not, by the way — the relationship is unhealthy and you should end it.

Also, your so-called friends. Did anyone close to you support or suggest this little scheme? If so, immediately cut them out of your life. They are the worst kind of poison. Again, trust me on this.

If you’re not strong enough to start ending negative relationships, at least consider some self-reflection. What would make you disrespect yourself like this? More importantly, how could you disrespect that poor child whose very conception would be an act of fraud?

What’s inside of you that’s capable of this? Identify it and carve it out of yourself like the psychic cancer that it is, because I promise you — that slow burning emptiness you feel in the pit of your soul won’t go away when you have a baby.

You’re banking on the promise of your child’s unconditional love to heal you, but it won’t. That’s not the kind of love you need. You need the kind of love from others that you only get when you first love yourself.

I hope you can tell how serious I am here. No stupid jokes, no rants, no name calling. I’ve spoken to you like an adult in the hopes that you’ll afford yourself that same level of respect.

Be a good person. Surround yourself with good people. Love and respect yourself. Maybe then you’ll be ready for the privilege of motherhood.

Until then — please, please don’t get knocked-up.

i made out with all my friends…and some other people at a party when i was drunk. it’s awkward. any advice?

Your best bet is to get all new friends who don’t get awkward when you make out with them.

Either that or constantly make out with everybody — let it be your thing. Soon all your friend’s won’t even notice anymore. Sure, they’ll all think you’re a whore, but at least it won’t be awkward.

Am I serious? Am I joking? Am I fucked up right now?

I dunno, can you tell?

One day I accidently stumbled on your tumblr (ha thats funny), and found your shit hilarious, and so fucking true. I enjoy reading the advice you give other people, so I decided to what the heck let me give it a try. Let me throw my quarter-life crisis on this complete stranger. Alright, so I’m 20, a girl, and currently single. I was talking to this girl before, for like 3 months. Shit ended, cuz she didn’t see herself “romantically involved” with me, the end. But of course I made it my utmost priority to get drunk and make an ass out of myself by drunk dialing and telling her I really liked her but i was afraid she might hurt me like my ex. I repented and decided just to be done with that shit. A month passes, and I find out she has a girlfriend. We went to this camp training for a weekend for this summer job we work together in, and she tells me, she wants things not to be weird, and shit. So of course I get drunk the 4th of july, weeks before the camp, and make another fucking asshole of myself. This time I repent hard, cuz she threw that shit about us being “co-workers” and that we have to have respect and bounderies (co-workers my fucking ass, i don’t go around sucking my co-workers tits), anywhoo. I break off, any and all communications with her, and swear on everything I love I will not drunk text again. So far, so good. Camp came. I’m better than ever and our friendship is good once again. We have a little staff party afterwards, I get shitaced, and were making out in the couch, and I left her hickeys. (important note: the girl is straight edge, cuz she used to fuck with hard shit before and it led to no good, so shes fucking sober). alright so whatever, the weeks that come I’m messing with her whenever i can’t walk straight, and my sober times, were text messaging “cute” shit! OK, so finally, last week we all go out for one of our friends birthday at a gay club. I ended up making out with her on the dance floor and doing shit in the bathroom (again im 10 drinks deep in this and shes sober and conscious to the say the least of the situation). We say we miss each other, she tells me she wants to see me when im sober, and it seems to be growing into like a another part 2. oh yeah i forgot to mention, that same exact day, she had broken up with her gf. so that night i told her i didnt want to be a rebound, and that im trying REALLY hard to stay celibate for the person i really like. and shes like yeah we dont have to fuck, we can just make out and cuddle. So were cute and taking pictures, and whatever. BUT we leave and she doesn’t even say bye. she just walks away. I texted her that same night, and told her I meant everything i said especially the rebound shit. never got a reply. the next day my phone was turned off, and it was gonna be for 4 days, so i wrote her a facebook message letting her know my phone was off and that if she replied i didnt get it, and to facebook me instead. (i know what youre thinking, at this point you think im fucking pathetic, I agree)…the girl replies: No i didnt write anything back, hope things work out with your mom………exact words. nothing else. in my head i was like fuck you, go to fucking hell, you fucking play too many fucking games, so i deleted my facebook, i erased her number, and i blocked her off my aim. question: why on earth would anyone do that?

Ok CONFESSION: so that same club night i had gone out with another friend/staff to a movie before hand. someone i used to fuck around with before. I thought it was on the DL, but apparently there is a fucking web (like the L word) and almost everyone knows. i was also kinda flirting with him that night, and she might or might not of seen me straddling him on a chair. :/

so im confused? what should i do?

ps: you are so awesome for reading all this post -pubescent bullshit, and if you can come up with anything as a response, it would be so fucking awesome. thanx.

Yours Truly,
Angry Bisexual

Angry bisexual? I think I’ll call you Abby for short.

Abby, sweetheart. You’re not having a quarter-life crisis. You’re not even having a pre-life crisis. Honestly, you’re writing to me about summer camp. I know, I know — it’s training for your job, but you didn’t call it a training weekend. You called it camp.

You use phrases like “straight edge.” You giggle about hickeys. The worst thing you can think to do to a person is delete them from your facebook. I swear, I can actually hear the helium in your voice.

You are confused because you are a selfish child, and if I told you the brutal truth about your situation it would seem cruel. It would be the equivalent of me sitting down an excited five year old on Christmas morning and calmly explaining that there is no Santa Claus.

You don’t need my advice any more than a kindergartner needs a lecture in particle physics. You need to go sit in the corner, young lady. You are on a “time out.”

Stop getting shit-faced, Abby. No one likes the sloppy drunk girl, and you clearly can’t handle your liquor.

Now I’m not suggesting you go all “straight edge.” Unless you’re legitimately in recovery, that kind of behavior is reserved for the worst kind of sanctimonious drama queens. Just have some fucking self-respect and learn to drink in moderation.

As for your confusion, it’s because you’re dizzy. I promise that feeling will go away when the earth stops revolving around you.

Best of luck with that.

Cut or uncut?

What are we talking about here? My cocaine? My men? My perineum during childbirth? (That’s right, bitches. I just made an episiotomy joke.)

When it comes to my blow or my taint, I prefer uncut. As for my men, I like them cut. I’m not gonna run out of the room screaming if he’s not circumcised, but if he wants a blowjob he’d better pre-treat that shit with a wet-nap.