Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On selling your soul.

Should I sell my soul to the corporate machine and go into advertising or should I struggle as a freelance artist and do the art I love?

I hate to break it to you, but the corporate machine stopped buying souls in 2007. You couldn’t sell out now even if you wanted to. You’re pretty much doomed to struggle as a freelance artist no matter what you do, and nobody gives a fuck whether you love it or not.

I know you’ve probably had your head up your ass in art school these past few years, but someone should have told you that we’re smack dab in the middle of the ugliest economy since the great depression.

The ass dropped out of advertising budgets several years ago, and the industry is in the middle of its long cycle of being bitch slapped by the recession. You’re trying to enter a field where very talented people with considerably more experience than you are willing to work for peanuts.

If you are one of the lucky few with connections, don’t be an asshole. Sell out. Otherwise, just pretend to have integrity as a freelancer doing the art you love until they start hiring again in December of 2012.

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Advice

On gay bashing trolls.

I’m a fifteen year old guy, and I recently came out as bisexual at school. Everyone I’ve actually told personally (mostly my friends who are girls, and one or two guys who I thought would be OK with it) have been really supportive. However, as is always the way, it didn’t take long for the homophobes to start flocking in.

They ask me questions on Formspring, and then take great (cowardly) care to remain anonymous – and before you ask, I’ve now stopped them being able to do that. Some of the questions included, – in incorrect grammatical form, of course –
“ahahaaaaa faggot bastard with no friends :’)”,
“you like the image of cock in your arse… all gays should be burnt.”,
and finally (my personal favourite),
“do you know what a sport is? s p o r t…. things you do outside, instead of staying inside doing nerdy gay drama with your bent friends or staying at home wanking to gay porn. you make me sick!”.

(Do you think they’re happy being stereotypes?)

Can you please give me some advice on how to answer this unimaginative homophobia with wit and flair, and to show that I’m not afraid of them? Or should I just ignore it? I need some serious help.

You got gay bashed with an emoticon? That’s priceless.

Listen, I understand the urge to respond to this kind of confused ignorance, but you really should ignore it. Wit and flair is wasted on people like that, and if you’re genuinely not afraid of them, then there’s no need to bother showing it.

Also, for the record, that is the most unintentionally hilarious definition of sport that I’ve ever seen. Apparently, going out and playing with balls is the only thing keeping guys from staying home and playing with balls. It’s accidental genius.

Anyways, you don’t need any help. You’re fine. Just be safe, learn to enjoy your haters, and have fun being a bisexual teenager.

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Advice

On a boring marriage.

You’ve probably already had this one (a million times) but I’m annoying and lazy so I’ll ask it anyways. What should I do if I’m bored in my marriage and have two small kids. Wait it out because we’re *both* boring and fat now? or let him know and deal with the consequences?

Wait it out? You’re in a marriage, not a line at the grocery store.

Get your shit together, woman. Children are no excuse for being fat and boring. If your husband isn’t doing it for you, feel free to tell him, but don’t be surprised if you aren’t his idea of a hot time either.

Sure, you’ve got kids to raise. Those little buckets of obligation are your first priority, but after that, you should both feel free to chase whatever excitement you can handle.

Presumably, you and your husband have something in common other than your offspring. If so, go find some fun together. If not, go find some fun separately.

Either way, have a fucking honest conversation with each other about your emotional conditions. Get that shit out on the table.

Otherwise, all that boredom is gonna fester into resentment and anger as you lead a life of quiet desperation. You’ll end up damaging your kids with your loveless marriage, and they’ll move to Los Angeles to pursue dreams of acting.

Trust me, you don’t want that to happen.

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Advice

On opening it up.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and I feel more for him than I have ever with anyone in a past relationship. I am bisexual, and he knows that and accepts it and even finds it sexy, so that’s all good, but a lot of the time I find myself missing tits and vaginas to a point where I even consider breaking it off with him. Five weeks ago, my friend who is also bisexual and (in my eyes) a complete babe, stayed the night at mine and we ended up in our panties making out on my bed. I didn’t go any further than that, because I felt awful, but I really wanted to.

My question is, should I tell my boyfriend about my cheating and risk our relationship, or just count what happened as a mistake and keep it to myself?

I don’t want to hurt him, and I feel like I was only satisfying a craving, which is a really bad way to look at it, but that’s what has kept me from telling him so far.

Thanks for your honesty!

Why do you insist on repressing your bisexuality in the first place? Remember, monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing, and merely acknowledging your bisexuality isn’t the same thing as celebrating it. If you have cravings that need to be satisfied, consider opening up your relationship.

Communicate with your boyfriend. When you find yourself missing tits and vagina, tell him. Let him be a part of your whole sexuality, and give him a chance to say yes to your needs. It’s your relationship, and the two of you can set your own terms.

You’d be surprised how many guys are perfectly cool with their bi girlfriends getting a little pussy every once in a while, especially if there’s a chance they might be invited to join in the fun. It’s a classic double standard that may work in your favor here.

In the end, this isn’t about whether you confess to making out with some girl (although you probably should, and I imagine you eventually will.) Instead, this is about whether you change the fundamental nature of your relationship so that you can remain faithful to your boyfriend while still fulfilling your needs.

There’s nothing wrong with having it both ways. Whoever first said “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” was a total fucking asshole, because you can, especially when the cake we’re talking about is pussy.

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Advice

On better schools.

My wife wants to help my step son into getting into a school thats not in our jurisdiction. shes willing to falsify paper work and say we are no longer together and that she lives in an address with her son that does qualify him to go to that school what should i tell her.

Don’t tell her anything. In fact, shut the fuck up and help her. She’s a mother willing to do whatever it takes for her child to get access to a better education. Good for her. I can’t think of a more noble reason to bend the rules.

Oh, and by the way, a jurisdiction is a sphere of authority held by a legal body such as a court or law enforcement agency. Schools have zones and districts, not jurisdictions.

Also, sentences begin with capital letters and end with punctuation.

Perhaps your wife should get you enrolled while she’s at it.

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Advice

On keeping the money.

Coketalk! please help. The bank screwed up and I dont know if I should reap the benefits. I exchanged $1,300 US dollars into another country’s currency (cash!), BUT they have neglected to deduct it from my bank account. Its been a week now, and they still haven’t caught it. Do I keep it (I am a broke, unemployed recent graduate hoping to find work overseas) or call them and inform them of their error? I KNOW its wrong, but after 3 months of frivolous job searching, I can’t quite get myself to dial the bank’s phone number and tell ‘em whats up.

Fuck the banks. They caused this recession. You don’t owe them a god damned thing, much less a call to inform them of their error in your favor. Let those faceless corporate leviathans catch their own mistakes for a change.

Then again, don’t spend the money. It’s not yours.

Not yet.

Just let it sit there. It’s only been a week, after all. At any point in the next month, the money could simply be swept from your account and that would be that.

If the balance remains after a month, you can be pretty sure that it’s an actual error and not just slow process. Still, don’t spend the money. It’s not yours.

Not yet.

At this point, you’re dealing with a good old fashioned bank error resulting in undue enrichment. Who knows? The transaction involved foreign currency, so it may not even be your financial institution that took the hit.

If someone catches the error after a couple of months, they’ll sweep the money out of your account and you’ll probably get a letter of incident as a matter of courtesy from a low-level drone in some department of supervision. So again, don’t spend the money. It’s not yours.

Not yet.

I know, you’ve been patient. It’s been six months already, and the balance is still just sitting there. You’re 99% sure that they’ll never discover the error, and you’ve even stopped thinking of it as the bank’s money. You don’t quite feel that it’s yours, but you’re starting to think of it as a reserve fund in case of an emergency. That’s fine, but still, don’t spend the money. It’s not quite yours.

Not yet.

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Advice

On my consistency.

I do love your posts, Coke Talk, and we’ve had a good run, but I need consistency. The only consistency you’ve shown this relationship is your lack of it. You’re just not putting your heart into this, and that doesn’t work for me. Maybe we can be friends. Have a good one.

I have an idea. Log onto PayPal and send me a large sum of money in exchange for my entertainment services. That way, you will have a legitimate excuse for talking to me like I owe you a god damned thing.

I’m serious. By all means, feel free to send me cash. Until then, however, you are cordially invited to shut the fuck up.

You see, I have a life. A ridiculous one, in fact, and it’s summertime up in this bitch. If I want to disappear for a week of tropical debauchery, then you’ll just have to wait patiently until I get back.

Please don’t ever forget that this is my hobby. I do not advertise, merchandise, or monetize this site in any way. I do it for fun. I do it because I love hearing people’s secrets, and I love talking shit.

If you don’t think my heart is in this, you know where the unfollow button is. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

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Advice

On selling the ring.

I dated this guy for 9 years (engaged for the last 2).  At the time he proposed, we were living in different cities because of our careers. After much deliberation, he convinced me to move to the town where he was residing. I’d be lying if I said I was excited to move to this small town, but I was in love and was excited to start my new life with my fiancé. Plus, the cost of living was significantly lower so we agreed it was more conducive to raising a family.

So I found a new job, packed up my life, and moved. Unfortunately, on day 2 of being there my fiancé informed me that he hadn’t been very honest with me about a number of things.. he had spent the money we had saved for our wedding. He spent it on partying with his friends, a country club membership, and who knows what else. Consequently, we had to cancel our wedding.

So here’s my question: do you think I should give the ring back?

On the one hand, it was his lies and wrongdoings that ended our engagement and forced us to call off the wedding so why should he be rewarded for his selfish behavior? But on the other hand, the ring has no sentimental value to me at this point and I would never wear it. Instead I would like to sell it and take the compensation to pay for my moving expenses to get out of this small town. Thoughts?

Go ahead and sell the ring, but I bet you a hot meal that it turns out to be a cubic zirconia. Even if it doesn’t, make the fucker pay for your moving expenses when you leave.

It’s one thing to uproot your life in contemplation of a marriage, but after landing in a shit pile of lies, you shouldn’t have to pick up the tab for your own cross country walk of shame.

The 2000’s were a shitty decade, and after nine years, it’s time for you to cut your losses. Wash your hands of this Bush-era boyfriend, move back to the city, and spend a year being single.

Enjoy the fresh start.

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Advice

On dating older men.

What’s your opinion on relationships with older men? Particularly men 15 years older. Yeah, I really love him, but I wonder if I’m wasting my time because I’m not sure if relationships like this can actually last etc etc. I don’t know whether to follow logic or my heart. Help a girl out.

It really depends on whether you’re eighteen or thirty-eight.

If you follow the “half your age plus seven” rule, then twenty-nine is the magic age where dating a man fifteen years your senior falls into the socially acceptable range.

Then again, it’s probably not that big a deal if you’re still in your early twenties. These days, most single guys in their mid thirties are still mentally and emotionally in their early twenties, so if your man has a halfway decent case of Peter Pan syndrome, you could easily make it work.

If you love him, don’t let age get in the way. Follow your heart, babe.

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