I made the jump from agnostic to atheist, which I knew was going to happen, I was just afraid. My friend, who remains quasi-religious claims that I’m hypocritical and irreverent because I still go to church (Catholic) with my grandma. Do I have to write “GOD FREE” across my forehead when I’m with a 75 year old woman who wants to spend time with me? Or is it okay to grin and kneel and stand and sit for an hour and a half on a hot Sunday? I haven’t set aflame so far.

Still can’t quite shake that catholic guilt, can you?

Listen, it’s perfectly okay to indulge your grandmother by joining her for whatever silly ritual she finds comforting in her old age. It’s sweet.

Oh, and tell your friend to shut the fuck up. Hypocrisy requires pretense and irreverence requires disrespect. You are guilty of neither.

As a non-believer, there’s nothing hypocritical or irreverent about attending church or celebrating religious holidays with your family.

Family traditions are an important part of the human condition, and we’re still of a generation where many family traditions are religious in nature. That’s fine. It’s the time spent with family that’s important, after all.

Personally, I can think of lots of better places to take Gram-Gram on a Sunday morning, but if church makes her happy, I’ve had plenty of practice getting down on my knees.

I’m throwing a bikini wrestling jell-o pool party in my basement after a concert next weekend. Some bra-burning bitch just left the following comment on the wall of the facebook event page: “simone be beauvoir rolling in her grave.” Give me a comeback. I’m a girl, by the way.

Reply with this:

“Oh, please. Simone de Beauvoir practically invented bikini jello wrestling. She and Sartre used to argue constantly over whether orange jello or lemon jello best represented the existential feminist aesthetic. By the way, nobody’s impressed with your summer reading list, you pretentious cunt.”

I have to say I thoroughly enjoy your blog and hold the same views on almost everything you post. But I completely disagree with your last post about all pro-lifers being religious. It was utter shit. People are pro-life for many other reasons that are fuck all to do with religion. I’m an athiest but I’m also pro-life. If you think I’ve misunderstood your last post, I haven’t, I just disagree with it. I thought that you didn’t put forward a very strong argument. Please can you leave the pro-life/pro-choice talk for a while and talk about something a lot more important like how many times does a girl need to have anal sex before she actually enjoys it? or some shit…

Okay, cheap seats, let me break it down for you.

Having an opinion on my argument isn’t making a counter-argument. Either bring some substance to the table, or shut the fuck up.

Also, I don’t give a flying fetus whether you’ve misunderstood my point or just plain disagree with me, you’re still just an asshole who wants to deny women the legal right to abortion.

Oh, and I’ll write about whatever I damn well please. If you couldn’t already tell, I’m in the mood to fight today, and I’m happy to strap one on and show you exactly what it takes to enjoy anal sex, punk ass bitch.

Not all pro-lifers are religious. Why do you buy into so many stereotypes? You seem so smart otherwise.

Actually, all pro-lifers are religious. They just don’t necessarily know it.

Here, I’ll show you. Make a rational argument that does not have it’s origins in religious doctrine denying women the legal right to choose whether to terminate their pregnancy of a nonviable fetus.

You can’t do it.

The pro-life argument is a religious one, plain and simple.

Being religious has nothing to do with whether you believe in god. Hell, the churches have always been full of quiet, desperate atheists.

Being religious has to do with taking up the cause of religion, and if you are pro-life, then that’s exactly what you’re doing.

You can call deny that you’re religious all day long, but if you’re a pro-lifer, the evidence speaks for itself.

I’m pro choice and one of my best friends is pro life. I’m fine with people having their own opinion on things but he takes his too far. He calles me a baby killer and if I ever become pregnant I’ll just abort all my babies.

He thinks he’s being funny and I’ve expressed multiple times that he isn’t but he won’t listen.

How do I get him to stop saying things like that?

Next time he mouths off, pick whichever one of these lines that feels most appropriate:

1. “According to your retarded bible logic, every time you jerk off in the shower you’re guilty of a dead baby holocaust.”

2. “Jesus would slap you like a little bitch for teasing me about abortion.”

3. “God just told me that he made your penis a little bit smaller. I didn’t even ask him to do it. God just thinks that kind of thing is hilarious.”

I have a crazy religious nut on my hands. Every day during class, I can’t sit and go through lecture without this guy asking me if I’m worried at all about not being saved by Jesus yet or if I’m ready to embrace the fires of Hell. Now, I’m a religious person of a different faith, but I believe people should be able to practice their faith without having some douche-bag stuff it down my throat every day in class. I don’t care what the fuck you believe in, just keep it off of me and I’ll keep it off of you. Nothing with this idiot works. I’ve tried switching seats, being polite, or just plain ignoring, but he absolutely INSISTS that I convert to Christianity right then and there.

Please, please oh please, I can’t take it anymore. I’ve never even said a word to him about religion to deserve this, but he insists upon making my life Hell. How the fuck do I get him off my back? Do I just plain tell him off?

My preferred solution would be for you to mind fuck this little twerp until he swallows his own tongue. Then again, if you knew how to do that, you wouldn’t be asking for my help in the first place.

As a next best option, I recommend you consider a restraining order. He is harassing you, plain and simple. You can even make the argument that he is threatening you with bodily harm each time he mentions that you’ll burn in hell.

I’m not joking about this.

Start filling out the paperwork tonight. You don’t necessarily have to file anything with the courts, because it may be enough for you just to show the prepared documents to your professor.

First thing tomorrow, tell your professor that you’re being harassed and that you’re about to file an order of protection against this person whom you consider to be mentally unstable if not potentially dangerous. Tell him that as a religious person of a different faith, you’re being persecuted and that you consider yourself the victim of an ongoing hate crime.

Let your professor know that you expect him to deal with the problem immediately, and make a formal request that he notify the school administration on your behalf that harassment is going on in his classroom.

I promise, unless you’re at some batshit bible college, the school administration will come down on this kid so hard and fast his pointy little head will spin.

On the day they kick the fucker out of class, I highly recommend you do your best Samuel L. Jackson impersonation while quoting Ezekiel 25:17.

I am 32 and my boyfriend is 28.  I am an actress and he is a professional poker player that works at Whole Foods. I am southern, he is from New England. I believe in a higher power, he is an atheist.  We couldn’t be more different, yet I find myself making plans with this man. I consider having a life with him and have committed myself to him in a way that I haven’t with any other partner in the past.  I am a giant commitment-phobe although I am not a cheater or dishonest.  I guess I have just never bought into the enterprise of marriage or babies or white fences.

So all this yimmeryammering leads me to my question for you—should I move in with this man? Is commitment a lie we feed to ourselves?  I have always been good about taking a leap of faith in my art, but what about in my life?  I fear being hurt or broken hearted, but I love this man and I want my life with him to move forward.  Does this mean marriage and a labradoodle?

Help me out, Coke Talk.  Or at the very least, make fun of me so I can laugh at my own idiocy and childish paranoia.

How interesting that you’ve chosen a Labradoodle to represent your crippling fear of a broken home. As metaphors go, it’s pretty good.

Your commitment issues and Labradoodles were both created in the late eighties, right around the time the relationship between your rough-and-tumble father (a Labrador Retriever) and your pretty but spoiled mother (a Poodle) began to crumble right before your very eyes.

You were only about ten years old at the time, but the unhealthy dynamic of their marriage forever warped your notion of what it meant to be in an intimate relationship.

Don’t worry, you’re not alone. One might say you’re part of an entirely new breed of bitches, and just like Labradoodles, there seem to be an awful lot of them at Runyon Canyon on the weekends.

Listen, it’s good that you’re in love. Enjoy it. Don’t be afraid to make long term plans with your boyfriend. You’re not your mother, and he’s not your father. Sure, you may end up with a broken heart one day, but that doesn’t mean you’re destined to repeat history.

Now, since you asked me to make fun of you, I figure the least I can do is give you a little shit for the “taking a leap of faith in my art” remark. You’re a thirty-two year old actress. I’m just sayin’, there’s a difference between a leap of faith and a suicide mission.

Oh, and let’s be clear about another thing, a professional earns a living at his craft. That is to say, your boyfriend is a professional grocer. He is an amateur poker player.

I believe the words you’re looking for are, “oh, snap!”

*drops the microphone and walks off stage*