A size 6 is not the key to happiness and you should know better.  Shame on you.

You’re right. A size two is the key to happiness.

That and a sense of humor.

Good luck, bitch.

(But seriously, ladies. Read my post again. Did I say she was fat? Did I say size ten was fat? Did I even once use the word fat? No, no, and no!

God forbid I tell a girl with your dress size that it’s okay to lose some weight if that’s what she wants to do. I wasn’t talking to you or about you, so have a snack and chill the fuck out.)

This guy I’m dating told me everything is perfect and he’s ready for me to be his girlfriend but there’s just one problem… I’m a little fat. I wear a size 10. WTF do I do? Stay with him and lose weight (I wouldn’t mind)? Or woman-up and walk the fuck out?

Both, sweetie.

Your instinct to dump this douchebag is the right one.

Sure, he’d prefer you thinner. That’s no big deal. Problem is, he made it an ultimatum, and you should never put up with that shit. Drop his ass on general principle.

At the same time, if you wouldn’t mind losing the weight, go ahead and do it. Spend May and June hitting the gym and eating a healthy 1200 calorie diet.

Keep it up, and you’ll be buying size six for the summer.

Do it for yourself, not for him.

I can’t stop thinking about infinity and the expanding universe. It’s getting to be a problem where I have to force myself not to think about it or else I feel sick and begin having anxiety pains. What can I do?

Instead of freaking out about your utter insignificance in an unimaginably vast and ever expanding universe, focus all of your concentration on the brutal inevitability of your own death.

Just kidding. Do drugs.

My girlfriend and I just started having sex. She swears against condoms, and just tells me to use the pull-out method. I have good stamina, and haven’t “blown it” pre-maturely. Nor do I think I will.

I’m quite conflicted. It feels much better without protection, but I’d feel more at peace if I was using it.

Do you have experience in this department? Am I worrying too much? What should I tell her?

Do me a favor and name your first abortion after me.

Fucking morons.

I’m a seventeen year old bisexual guy. I’ve only ever been with girls, and I’m not ready to be “out” yet. I’ve been having strong urges for guys lately. Is there anything you can suggest? I’m frustrated.

Gee, sport. I’m sorry to hear that high school pussy just ain’t cutting it for you.

Until you’re ready to man up and embrace your bisexuality, I’m afraid your only options are of the skanky and anonymous variety. The most obvious poor life choice available to a closeted bi-curious teenage boy is Craigslist.

You can just hop online and cruise for meth-fueled man love any time of the day or night. I’m sure if you post the above question word-for-word, you’ll be knee deep in strange cock and by sundown.

Go get ‘em, tiger.

What’s your advice for a nineteen year old girl that has never been in a relationship of any kind or never even kissed a boy?

It doesn’t matter how old you are. Stop referring to yourself as a “never been,” and start considering yourself an “about to be.”

I work at a bank and recently found myself in the middle of my boss stealing 20 bucks from a customer (ie a liquor store employee who brought in too much cash for his deposits – he was over by at least $200) My manager gave me half of what she stole, even though I said I didn’t want it and openly tried to give it all back to the liquor store employee. I wanted to take more immediate action, but I felt uneasy because this manager is very friendly with me, has invited me to her wedding, ect. I’m a fairly new employee and just a student trying to pay for school. My instinct is to go to my boss and report it, but I fear the repercussions from this manager. Other than this event, she has appeared to be a great leader and manages people well. I called the “ethics hotline” I found on my company site, but they said all they could do was file a report.Not knowing what exactly would happen to the report made me apprehensive to file one. It was only 20 bucks, but I feel dirty having that 10 dollar bill in my purse and I know it was wrong.

Never allow someone to make you complicit in a crime.

I’ll say it again — never allow someone to make you complicit in a crime. Not for ten dollars. Not for ten thousand.  Either have the strength of will to refuse, or the strength of character to fully accept your role as an accomplice.

You realize what she’s done, right? That shady bitch bought you. Cheap. This wasn’t about the money. Now she owns your ass like the mob owns a dirty cop.

You’ve only got one move here. Take the ten dollar bill out of your purse, and give it back to her in full view of other employees. “You gave this to me the other day, and I don’t want it.” That’s all you have to say, and then just walk away.

Don’t bother with ethics hotlines. That kind of human resources bullshit is worthless. It’s corporate liability window dressing.

Don’t bother reporting it to your boss either. No one likes a snitch, and he doesn’t want to deal with a shit ton of hassle over twenty bucks.

Besides, once you hand back the ten dollar bill, the balance of power shifts back to you. If you were a bit more savvy and had a fucking backbone, you might be able to subtly use that to your advantage.

Good luck doing the right thing.

I’m a 30 y/o guy who despite beating the family average is finally losing his hair. Problem is, I have one of those ungainly scalps that is not suited to straight-up shaving it.

I swore I’d never be beholden to my hair and have no interest in forking over cash and dignity to pharm companies or miracle cures.

I just can’t find a style that allows me to bald gracefully. Suggestions?

No interest in forking over cash and dignity? Fuck your dignity.

Do you have any idea how much money we spend and pain we endure chasing unattainable standards of beauty?

We’re over here nipping, tucking, lasering, injecting, dying, tanning, waxing and whitening every square inch of our bodies. The least you lazy bastards could do is show a little effort when you start losing your hair.

Assuming you’re white, you only have two choices here. One, hit the gym and get in really good physical shape, then shave your head completely and grow a goatee.

Your other choice is to join the Hair Club for Men and spend whatever it fucking takes to keep from going bald. Fight that shit like you got hair cancer.

I suppose there’s a third choice if you’re not willing to man up. You could always just let yourself go and stop caring about your appearance.

Don’t kid yourself, though. There’s no such thing as balding gracefully.