You wouldn’t happen to know how long after a nose job you can do coke again would you?
Hardcore bitches don’t even remove the gauze.
Category Archives: Advice
On foolproof technique.
My boyfriend has a ridiculously long endurance when it comes to oral sex. How do I make him cum faster?
While you work the shaft, have another girl lick his balls.
On archetype.
What are your unabashed thoughts on the Manic Pixie Dream Girl?
She’s the post-adolescent male version of a hyper-idealized romantic fantasy. In other words, Edward Cullen with tits instead of fangs.
She’s basically a femme fatale for guys that are pussies.
Pretty harmless, really.
On party tips.
“If you wanna know how to whip up a holiday batch of ketamine using peppermint extract, or about proper finger etiquette when sticking ecstasy up a friend’s ass, then sure — I’m your girl.”
Ooh, go ahead with these, please.
Not to be all Martha Stewart or anything, but if you add a splash of peppermint extract to your liquid ketamine before cooking it down to powder, it’s pretty much like inhaling christmas. Obviously peppermint is seasonal, but vanilla extract works fabulously as well.
As for finger etiquette, be sure to push the ecstasy tab as far up your friend’s ass as possible. No long nails, and do your best to make it one smooth motion. A little lube is fine, but be quick about it. Pills tend to disintegrate the second they hit astroglide.
On making a new frenemy.
My boyfriend has been friends with this girl since they were children. They dated once when they were much younger but she cheated on him and needless to say things didn’t work out. She flirts with him in front of me and is passive-aggressively a bitch to me. I tell him this bothers me. He doesn’t seem to notice her antics and claims I’m being jealous. I say I don’t want to be around her so he thinks I’m tearing him away from his friends. I don’t think he would ever cheat on me but I don’t understand why there is this undying loyalty to this girl. What I really want to do is just backhand her to the ground. Does a situation like this cause for these measures or is there something else I can do?
If your instinct is to backhand her to the ground, the bitch is winning. Quit letting her get to you.
Recognize that you’re feeling jealous. Admit that you’re feeling threatened. Let that shit wash over you, and then let it go.
Just ignore her. Better yet, kill her with kindness and make a new frenemy. Beat her at her own game. It will impress your boyfriend and drive her crazy at the same time.
Remember, you’re the one he’s with now. Not her. As long as you don’t let her get to you, you’ve already won.
On teenage flirting
Im 15, and it seems to be that all of a sudden every new guy I meet and even old friends are starting to view me as a sex object. Guys that used to talk to me about their girlfriends and ask me about my day are starting to ask me for nudes. I actually feel like I havent had a non-sexual conversation with a male of my age in quite awhile. Except one. He’s immature and awkward, but I can tell he has a little thing for me. He happens to be the one I like best. If I have such an easy time getting other guys to hit on me, what is going on with this one? Can you maybe give me a quick fix on how to open up a flirty conversation with him and start the relationship going in a romantic direction? Cuz it doesnt seem like Im having a problem with anyone else! (Btw, wtf at everyone suddenly trying to jump my bones. Im totally loving it and Im not complaining, it was just so sudden!)
You grew tits, sweetie. Don’t act all surprised that boys want to fuck you.
Also — and I have to remind my teenage readers every once and awhile — I’m really not the person you want to be passing a note in study hall. I’m a coked up L.A. party girl, not Judy fucking Blume.
If you wanna know how to whip up a holiday batch of ketamine using peppermint extract, or about proper finger etiquette when sticking ecstasy up a friend’s ass, then sure — I’m your girl. As for flirting with fifteen year olds, I don’t know what to tell you.
The best I can do is suggest that you stick to the basics: always laugh at his jokes, don’t be afraid to initiate physical contact, and do your best to ignore his erection during casual conversation.
Other than that, just don’t get knocked up.
(Also, hold off on sharing nudes. Last I checked, emailing a camera phone pic of your underage rack still counted as a federal fucking crime.)
On three little words.
I (31 yrs old) told my partner (23 yrs old) of 2+ months yesterday that I love him (because I do). He didn’t reciprocate the verbalization, but he acted very happy- smiling from ear to ear, hugging me, laying on top of me, making out, etc. When asked, he said that it didn’t freak him out and that everything’s fine; i have nothing to worry about.
While he hasn’t yet said the words “i love you” to me, has has called me “lover, love” in text messages and emails. He’s very affectionate and seems very VERY into me.
My question to you: Is it a big deal when one partner doesn’t feel ready to drop the “L” word when the other one does?
Nope, not a big deal. It’s just a word. In fact, it’s better that he’s emotionally honest enough not to drop it out of some misaligned sense of semantic obligation.
You would have sensed if it threw things off balance. It didn’t, which most likely means he’s well on his way, but just not there yet.
There’s no rush. Savor this phase in your relationship. It’s a heady mix of novelty and vulnerability.
The day will come when every phone call ends with “I love you too.” I’m not saying the coffee gets stale, but it never tastes quite as good as freshly ground.
On one step at time.
Turning drunken sex into a meaningful, life-long partnership – is it as hard as it looks?
Sounds sarcastic, but jesus it’s a real problem, you know?
Drunken sex? Hell, turning anything into a life-long partnership is hard.
Quit looking for the person you want in the grave next to you, and just find somebody you don’t mind mind waking up in the bed next to you.
On bitterness.
Best way to start dating again if still bitterly single from last meaningful relationship? And don’t say tequila, xanax or drunken sex.
How ‘bout you lose the attitude?
It doesn’t matter how much of an asshole your ex was. You are responsible for your own emotional state. It’s your own fault if you’re bitter. Get over it.
If you’re packing all this emotional baggage, don’t even bother dating. It’s a waste of everyone’s time.
(Especially without tequila, xanax, or drunken sex.)
On the brutal truth.
All women have their “oh god i’m hideous and ugly and fat” days. What should we do to make ourselves feel better?
Lose weight.