Jay Z and Beyoncé exploit their own relationship. It might as well be our business what they do in their private lives if they’re offering it to us to buy and admire.

Hell no. Anyone who wears a wedding ring publicly exploits their own relationship. That doesn’t make it any of our damn business. Every last one of us has a public, a private, and a secret life. We would all do well to respect the difference, even for those who are famous.

Jay Z and Beyonce may be the closest thing we have to American royalty, but their fame doesn’t entitle us to their private lives. I know there’s an entire bottom-feeding industry of celebrity gossip that would have you believe otherwise, but TMZ is wrong.

It’s none of our fucking business.

I’m curious as to what you think about the “To be a Feminist is to be a Vegan” argument? Considering you’re a feminist, and clearly not vegan or vegetarian.

I had to google this ridiculousness. The argument is basically a self-serious application of the otherwise frivolous thought exercise, “If meat is murder, then are eggs are rape?” It’s an attempt to take intersectionality to an illogical conclusion by overextending intersectional feminism to include the concept of interspecies feminism.

Feminism is a movement that applies to structural inequalities in human social institutions, so the “To be a Feminist is to be a Vegan” argument ultimately fails because it conflates patriarchy with anthroparchy.

Essentially, it’s a logical fallacy of false equivalence. The problems of a male dominated society are not the same as the problems of a human dominated society. Meat may very well be murder, and eggs may very well be rape, but the exploitation of animals by humans is a completely separate issue from that of human gender equality.

I was recently handed information that could be the tipping point for a co-worker who has an extensive history of sub-par performance and general bitchery. She and I have never got along that well as I just don’t trust her – my gut knows she’s shady. But, she is also a human, a single mother, and has come a long way in life. My question is, do I go to my boss with what I know, potentially ending my co-workers career and feel a little like a rat or do I hold on to what I know and let things unfold without my involvement? I am supremely upset by my coworker’s behavior, but am not sure I am in the position to tear her little playhouse down and it be the best thing I can do right now. What would be the Coquette move here?

This is all very vague, and you sound a little too pleased with yourself. You’ve got some shit on a co-worker that may or may not be useful as leverage, but to what end? What do you really want to have happen here?

Do you gain anything out of getting this bitch fired? Even if you do, is it worth the potential blowback? What’s really in it for you? And remember, if you tear down your co-worker’s playhouse just to watch it fall, then that makes you pretty shady too.

Don’t waste leverage just to create drama. Either use it to achieve a specific goal — and be prepared for the consequences — or just shut the fuck up and do your job.

Long time reader here. I didn’t pose the original question, but let me just say — I totally understand the broader implications of your reply, and still thought that was the most insufferable bit of advice I’ve ever seen from you.

Yeah, I’m starting a new thing. From now on, when twits and twats submit their ridiculous opinions about individual posts through Dear Coquette, I’m just gonna stick ‘em in the comments section where they belong.

They’ll show up as the Coquette Troll.

This is probably the most stupid question you’ll get today, but how does one get into rooftop hotel pools? Do you have to check in first? Do you book a room for that particular afternoon to read books by the pool? This is a 100% serious question.

Actually, the stupidest questions today have been about what I think of Burger King’s viral marketing of gay hamburgers. (I’m sure Baudrillard would have something to say about simulacra with cheese, but I really can’t be bothered.)

As for rooftop pools, this isn’t as shallow a question as it seems. (Yes, I made a pun. Sue me.) You think you’re asking about the customs and process involved in finding your way onto a hotel chaise lounge, but there’s a fundamental lesson here about learning social norms and codes of behavior.

So, how does one get into rooftop hotel pools? It’s painfully simple: One belongs there. That’s all there is to it. Really.

I know you don’t like hearing that. It seems trite and dismissive, but it’s not. Besides, it’s not like I can give you some special secret handshake answer, because your question isn’t specific enough in the first place. (What works at the Mondrian on a Saturday doesn’t fly at the Chateau on a Tuesday.)

Point is, if you want to go to the pool, just go to the fucking pool. If you don’t already know, there’s no other way to figure out how, and if you pay attention and you’re not an asshole, someone who’s already there will happily fill you in on how it works.

I hope you get the broader implications of this advice.

This is a 100% serious answer.

You shouldn’t tell people to kill themselves, even if you’re joking, because someone might. Plus it makes you sound like an abusive asshole, in the same way that using “gay” as a slur makes you sound like a homophobic asshole. If that’s the pony you’d like to hitch your wagon to, sure okay, but don’t fucking pretend you don’t understand why “You should kill yourself” is a monumentally shitty thing to say.

This is why no one likes you.

Terry Richardson is a sleaze, but I feel that some (not all) of those ladies wanted to be a part of his sleaze for fame. So, they’re fame-whores who ended up regretting their own bid for fame when it didn’t pan out for them.

Okay, so lemme get this straight. After factoring in the toxic aspects of celebrity culture, your nuanced opinion about workplace sexual harassment in the fashion industry is still basically “those whores get what they deserve.”

Got it, thanks. You should kill yourself.

My friend is a lesbian who’s very extreme in her views and is often quite offensive to me about being straight and how my relationship is ‘boring and meaningless’ because of this. How do I show her this is just as hurtful as a homophobic comment?

Um, you’re straight. How the fuck would you know how much homophobic comments hurt?

Maybe if you weren’t so eager to play the victim, you could see past your own smarmy sense of entitlement long enough to recognize that just because you’re offended, that doesn’t mean you’re also being oppressed.

If your lesbian friend is talking smack about you, then by all means, tell her to go fuck herself. Call her out for being an asshole, but keep that whiny “just as hurtful” bullshit to yourself.

You will always lose that argument.

As a stripper who’s been in the industry for 6 years now, I’d be interested to hear your reasons for telling that newbie couple to “keep [their] expectations low”. Are you saying they should keep their expectations low because it probably won’t be as much fun as they hope, and the dancers won’t be as attractive/intelligent/skilled as they imagine? Or are you saying they should keep their expectations low in terms of what they’ll be able to “get away with” (touching a stripper during a lap dance, taking one home, etc.)?

Yes.