Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On an easy one

When me and my ex broke up, I lent her some money for new furniture, a computer and such, which she promised to pay back when she got financially stable again. That was 8 months ago and in the few e-mail conversations we’ve had, she always mentions how bad her money situation is and that she can’t pay me back yet. Which I would be fine with, if it weren’t for a friend of hers who recently told me she has a steady job again, flies to her boyfriend who lives abroad every other weekend, goes horseback riding and more seemingly expensive stuff. Now maybe her boyfriend pays for that stuff, I don’t know, but I can’t shake the feeling she’s lying about her situation. What would be the best way to handle this?


Tell the bitch to pay up.

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Advice

On doing what needs to be done

My friend-with-benefits sent me a text saying “You need to back away from me until you can control and handle your emotions. You’re being clingy, obnoxiously attached, and irrationally upset for no goddamn reason. Until then, please do something constructive instead of sending me a text.” He just sent this straight out of the blue and I’m about 5 seconds from kicking his ass to the curb. I can’t keep giving him second chances. I need advice. Help. Anything.

You can only give somebody one second chance. After that, “giving him second chances” is just code for putting up with more of his bullshit.

And let’s be clear, he didn’t send that text straight out of the blue. You may not want to admit it, but you know damn well why he thinks you’re being clingy, obnoxiously attached, and irrationally upset for no goddamn reason.

I’m not saying he’s right. I’m just saying quit acting all surprised. Even if he is right, he’s still behaving like a gigantic asshole, and you shouldn’t tolerate that kind of disrespect from a friend, with or without benefits. It’s doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, so you should probably take your five seconds and then go ahead and kick his ass to the curb.

Now, here’s the real question. Can you do what needs to be done, or are you just in this for the drama?

 

Any argument or disagreement with my boyfriend crumbles into the basest expression of spluttering animal emotion. There is absolutely no room for rational conversation.

I’m no angel but my intentions are good. I try to address, redress, apologize, take responsibility… and he’s too busy bellowing over me to even take it in.

I don’t know how to resolve conflict with him. He shouts + rages + raves + doesn’t even hear the apology he’s asking for. Shouting back, speaking calmly, letting him know he is being heard, silent treatment…. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I am so, so tired.

Break up with him. You know you can do that, right?

Trust yourself when you say you’ve tried everything, because there are no magic solutions to this kind of problem. If your boyfriend is insufferable, then quit suffering him.

Life’s hard enough without a partner who’s constantly leaving you emotionally exhausted. It’s one thing to struggle with incompatible conflict resolution styles, but you should never have to put up with verbal abuse.

 

(Nerve)

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Advice

On the helpseeking experiences of men

How is that abused men are revictimized by DV hotlines and shelters (The Helpseeking Experiences of Men Who Sustain Intimate Partner Violence: An Overlooked Population and Implications for Practice by Emily M. Douglas and Denise A. Hines. J. Fam Violence. Aug 2011; 26(6): 473–485.) but aren’t considered victims of sexism? or holding up women’s ability to abuse at will?

Just fuck off already. Abused men aren’t being revictimized by domestic violence hotlines and shelters. That’s not a thing.

Men’s rights activists like to wave around that bullshit study as an excuse to demand equal time on domestic violence issues, but I actually read the damn thing, and it’s a fucking joke. The sample size is tiny, the correlations are ridiculous, and the results are statistically useless.

Basically, a couple of social workers who wanted to justify their PhDs got some federal grant money to conduct the academic equivalent of this gif:

image

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Advice

On the edges of relationships

A guy, a friend, who I’ve had a peripheral crush on for a year and a half is breaking up with his long-term girlfriend. What is the most respectful way to mention “hey, remember that time we joked around about how I would totally hit that if you weren’t in a loving, committed relationship? So for real now.”

Chill the fuck out. Seriously, take a deep breath and contain your glee at the prospect of jumping on this guy’s dick while it’s still warm from the ex-girlfriend’s dismount.

Think about the consequences. Unless you’re prepared to lose a friend in a flurry of awkward rebound sex, don’t offer yourself up as his break-up gift bag. Even if you don’t mind the potential mess, try and play it cool. Keep it simple. No strings, no bullshit.

You may just want a little sex, but anyone fresh out of a relationship can be a raw nerve. Don’t let your peripheral crush add to his drama.

 

Last night, I had to fantasize about my recent ex in order to get off with the new guy I’m sleeping with. Guess that means I shouldn’t be having sex again yet, huh?

Nah, it happens. Quit punishing yourself and just enjoy your damned orgasm.


I slept with a good friend of mine who is a few years younger over a month ago and it’s taken that amount of time for him to stop being awkward and distant with me. I would like to hook up with him again, but how do I go about that while still keeping our friendship intact?

You don’t. Learn your fucking lesson. Not everyone is prepared to combine sex and friendship. It’s not your fault if your friend can’t handle it, but it is your fault if you let sex detonate the friendship when you should already damn well know better.

 

My boyfriend doesn’t give me head, ever. Maybe twice in our entire 3-year relationship and only when I practically begged him to. It bothers me because I love performing oral on him all the time and just making him feel good in general. It’s like he is scared of my vagina or something and it really fucking offends me. Yet he has no problem dick-probing it. Whenever I ask things get kind of awkward… What’s a girl to do?

Get another boyfriend.

I’m not kidding. Either open up your relationship and add in a new guy who loves to eat pussy, or if you’re a serial monogamist, break up with your current boyfriend and replace him with one who isn’t cunniligually challenged.

It may seem drastic, but I assure you, it’s the only solution to your problem that involves anyone ever willingly going down on you again.

 

(Nerve)

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Advice

On conscious uncoupling

What do you think of “conscious uncoupling”? Is is just an overly-spiritualized way of saying that you should look to what you’ve learned from your partner when you’ve out grown them and/or your relationship? Is there something more?


“Conscious Uncoupling” is nothing more than half a twelve-step program sold as a break-up remedy by a hack shrink who’s equal parts Dr. Phil and the Prancercise Lady.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with conscious uncoupling, but please don’t call it “overly-spiritualized.” It doesn’t use the language of spirituality. It uses the language of bullshit psychobabble.

Treat it like harmless self-help snake-oil, not actual wisdom.

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Advice

On after she finally left him

Do you know what happened to the woman who was beaten by her fiancée?

Thank you so much for that post. I showed it to my best friend and it finally gave her what I could never give her: the courage to leave her husband FOR GOOD. Thank you.

Yes. She and I remained in contact throughout the end of 2013. It took her a while, but with the help of friends and family, she was able to leave her abuser in February after another violent incident.

She has since made her story public. Her name is Jenna, and she’s one tough cookie who’s been through a helluva lot of shit lately. She has my utmost respect, and I wish her the very best as she makes a fresh start.

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Advice

On irony and empty gestures

It’s a bit rich that your book recommendations about anti-capitalism all link to an Amazon sales website, which is one of the most capitalistic current ventures cutting the legs out from independent book retailers. Adults are capable of finding a book on their own but you hold our hands and take us to Amazon. I enjoy the irony.

Adults are capable of finding books on their own? Goddamn, you’re a smug little shit. Of course, even smug little shits can make a valid point, so I went back and changed all the links to Powell’s Books.

It’s an empty gesture at the expense of other people’s convenience, but hey, at least it’s no longer irony you’re enjoying. It’s just the smell of your own farts.

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Advice

On a capitalism reading list

“We are surrounded by capitalist tools. The trick is not using them for their intended purpose.” Would you make a reading list based on this, please?


Sure. Here’s a trio of easily accessible books that will give you a broad but critical overview of the current state of American capitalism:

Supercapitalism by Robert Reich

The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein

Profit Over People by Noam Chomsky

If you wanna go a bit further down the rabbit hole:

The Capitalism Papers by Jerry Mander

America Beyond Capitalism by Gar Alperovitz

And finally, if you’re in the mood for a challenging, interdisciplinary mindfuck, here’s the cherry on top:

The End Of Capitalism (As We Knew It): A Feminist Critique of Political Economy by J. K. Gibson-Graham

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Advice

On calling it a day

People are really up in arms about this art school bullshit. Why do people take everything you say so personally?

Nah, nobody really gives a shit. Sometimes on Friday afternoons I like to fuck around, and the art school kids are just an easy target because they take themselves so seriously.

Fuck it. It’s such a beautiful day out, I should probably just start the weekend early and head for the nearest hotel pool.

Wheee!

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Advice

On the peace corps

Why do you see the Peace Corps as the primary direction the art school reject should take in light of the recent criticisms the Peace Corps has faced in the last few years for perpetuating poverty and functioning more as a performance than a true service activity?

Seriously? Of all the legitimate social injustice in the world, you cynical assholes are really gonna jump on the Peace Corps like it’s some Kony 2012 shit? Ugh. Of course you are.

 

What’s so great about the Peace Corps? I don’t honestly see the correlation between denial of worldly possessions and working for an international development organization funded by the world’s most powerful country/imperial superpower.

I was really just using the Peace Corps as an ideological placeholder for selflessly dedicating one’s life to volunteer service, but hey, thanks for shitting all over my point.

 

The Peace Corps? Seriously? I know you’re not naive enough to believe that it is anything other than a capitalist tool to facilitate expansion through “white man’s burden” ideology.

Allow me to teach you a lesson in capitalist tools. First, go out and buy yourself a big white dildo. Then, using a permanent marker, write the following line of wisdom all around the shaft:

“We are surrounded by capitalist tools. The trick is not using them for their intended purpose.”

Now take the dildo, and go fuck yourself.

 

My best friend did get rid of all her worldly possessions and join the Peace Corps. She’s been in Ethiopia for two years now, and it’s the best decision she’s ever made. Your advice was sound. It’s a brilliant fucking move, no sarcasm.

Cool, cool. Unfortunately, a bunch of insufferable twats have smarmy political opinions that need validating, so you should probably let your friend know that her service is really just a performance that naively perpetuates poverty and facilitates the expansion of “white man’s burden” ideology.

I mean, it’s not like she went out into the world and dedicated her life to actually helping people or anything.

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