I accidentally let it slip that I think of people that liked the movie Gravity as the ones that fucked “the dumb girl.” I feel the movie pays lip service to science. So my issue is this; everyone at work hates me. Is there some weird trick for blending in with the herd without feeling oppressed? I’ve had this problem before in religious environments.

Yeah, I haven’t seen Gravity, but I have had a similar history of frustration when it comes to Sandra Bullock movies.

Still, I just blog about my opinions. I don’t go around acting like an arrogant jerk to people’s faces over something as trivial as a popcorn flick. There’s a time and a place to be a cunt, and it ain’t during water cooler talk at the office.

People hate you because you’re a dick. You refer to your co-workers as “the herd,” and you believe you’re special just because you have a different world view. Well, guess what? You work there too, numnuts.

You wanna know the weird trick for blending in? Simple. It’s called being kind to people. You could instantly and dramatically improve the quality of your life if you would stop walking around with a chip on your shoulder.

You’re not oppressed. You’re just an asshole. Get used to the world being full of people with different opinions.

How do you celebrate Veterans Day?

Fuck Veterans Day. It’s a bullshit federal holiday glorifying imperialism and war at the expense of the sad broken bastards who were either too poor or too stupid to avoid being cannon fodder for the military industrial complex.

The truth is America treats its veterans like shit, and holidays like this are all just public relations theory and emotional blackmail to keep the flag waving morons steeped in sentimentality and nationalistic pride.

I recently got written up at work for calling the boss’s wife, “the boss’s wife” the first time I met her. We have the same title and position at work and I’m a pretty light-hearted and sarcastic guy at times. Who was wrong? Me for jokingly referring to her that way or her for shoving that stick up her ass far enough to complain to HR?

Fuck who was wrong. This ain’t about that. You need to quickly wrap your head around how badly you fucked up.

Congratulations, dumbass. You’ve officially made an enemy at work who can get you fired. Not only is she the boss’s wife, but she’s clearly demonstrated that she knows how to use the system to her advantage. There’s paperwork involved, and guess what? On paper, you’re the bad guy.

Is she a hypersensitive cunt for having you reprimanded? Maybe. Do you come off as more of an asshole than you think you do? Probably. Still, all of that is beside the point. What matters is that she doesn’t like you, and you need to recognize that this was a warning shot from a master manipulator who made you her bitch on the very first day she met you.

Don’t think of this in terms of who was right or wrong. This is a power game. It’s about who wins or loses, and despite you two having the same job description, she’s already asserted her dominance.

Good luck keeping that title and position.

A guy kept hitting on me even though I had told him to fuck off, it got to the point where I wanted to leave my friends birthday party. He put his arm around me so I told him not to touch me and I moved away. He came over again and put his arm around me again, so I got sick of telling him to leave me alone and I kicked him the nuts pretty hard. One of my friends called me a bitch because of what I did and all of my other friends agreed that my reaction was too much. I don’t really feel bad about it, he wasn’t even drinking and he wouldn’t respect my personal space or the fact that I’d told him to leave me alone. Was I too harsh?

Nope.

Motherfucker lays hands on you after repeated warnings to fuck off, he should expect a swift kick to the nuts.

Your friends suck for not having your back.

Fuck ‘em all.

I was recently given an opportunity to have my own column for a popular website and I’m having a hard time being excited about it. I keep telling myself that anyone can write for them and when others express enthusiasm for me, I have a hard time accepting it, I don’t feel like it’s warranted. It’s almost like I feel stupid for being proud of myself. That’s not normal right? What’s wrong with me?

Please. A self-deprecating writer? You couldn’t possibly be more normal. Congratulations on the gig. Now shut the fuck up and go make your deadlines.

I recently have been struggling with deciding what path to take with my life.  I came to university with a set plan on attending medical school post graduation, which I can feasibly achieve,  However, I’m now extensively involved in neuroscientific research and think that I’d much rather pursue a Ph.D in the discipline.  I’m torn because a medical degree is job and financial security for life, yet a Ph.D would allow me to flesh out my intellectual curiosities but I run the risk of being over-educated and unemployed with the current trend of NIH funding.  Should I pursue the riskier route or play it safe?

I call bullshit.

Medical school is the greater challenge, and while it may be one you could “feasibly achieve,” it’s certainly more rigorous than getting a PhD to “flesh out your intellectual curiosities.”

Hell, if you really had brass balls, you’d look for a medical science training program and go for a dual MD/PhD in Neuroscience.

If you’re gonna be over-educated, you might as well not fuck around.

I’m not trying to hate, but I’m thinking of starting a blog except the only reason I can think of for blogging, even anonymously, as opposed to just keeping a personal journal, is narcissism. I still might do it. Thoughts?

Unless you have a built-in audience for your blog, keeping a personal journal is a distinction without a difference. Either can be (and often is) an exercise in narcissism.

As you make your decision, consider this: The audience for a personal journal is your own reflection, while the audience for a blog is (presumably) other people.

Question: Which endeavor is more narcissistic?

Answer: The one written by a narcissist.

I’m a 3rd year medical student. I rotate with different doctors in different specialties every month. The doctor I’m with currently is sexist and racist and constantly makes fun of his patients. I can’t stand him. I hate the way he practices medicine and I do not respect him at all as a person. Do I play the game and keep my mouth shut until my four weeks are up? Or do I call him out on some of his bullshit? I already know the answer. Keep my mouth shut and get it over with, but I know I will be dealing with people like him again. How do I deal with people like this?

Simple. You do your job to the best of your ability and quietly put this doctor on your shit list. No further action is required.

This portion of your rotation is a lesson on how to deal with an asshole in a position of authority. Calling him out gets you nothing. In fact, it hurts you. He’ll still be an asshole, only now you’ll be on his shit list. That’s a waste of righteousness.

You’ve had your head up your ass studying for the past two decades, but you’re about to find out that the world is full of assholes. “Calling them out” is a child’s reaction. Adults learn how to manipulate the situation to their advantage in subtle ways.

An asshole’s karma makes fantastic leverage.

I come from money. Not Bel Air travel the world and do designer drugs money, but Beverly Hills private school, parents can pay a cheap apartment without blinking money. Any advice on how to not turn out to be an asshole?

It’s pretty simple. Just don’t be an asshole. (Money isn’t what makes you an asshole. Money merely amplifies it if you already happen to be one.)

Los Angeles is filled with kids whose parents pay the rent. You can’t spill a vodka red bull in this town without hitting a struggling actor with granite countertops. That’s fine, but if you’re going to be dependent on your parents, you have to be keenly aware of its effect on your personal development.

This isn’t so much about becoming an asshole as it is about overextending your adolescence and stunting certain aspects of your character that can only be developed through self-reliance. There’s no shame in letting your parents help you get started in life, especially if they’re happy to do it, but you can’t let that kind of thing be indefinite.

Plan for a future where you earn your own living. Have a horizon line where you no longer rely on your folks for support. You may always have your parents’ checkbook as a safety net, but still, there’s something to be said for paying your own way even though you don’t have to.

(Oh, and for the record, you don’t need Bel Air money to travel the world and do designer drugs. You just need a passport, a little financial discipline, and a cool attitude.)

My ex-fiancee just got engaged to the guy she cheated on me with. After 3 years I thought I was over her, and yet one stupid Facebook notification through a friend of a friend and I’m a goddamn wreck. Apart from drinking myself to sleep for the next few nights, how the hell do I get past something like this? I know it’s stupid and childish to cling to the past, but she was the first woman to break my heart. Compounded with the breakup I had about a month ago, I’m almost turned against the whole relationship thing entirely.

I know I’m being reactionary and selfish, but beyond that I have no idea how to cope with this shit. Coquette, help?

Dude, put down the bottle of cheap scotch and log out of Facebook.

So you had your heart broken. Good. It’s one of those necessary experiences that’s all part of having a full life, but three years is long enough. Quit your damn wallowing. It’s fucking pathetic.

She wasn’t your one great love. You two weren’t meant to be together. The guy she cheated on you with didn’t win any prize by getting her to say yes. Hell, you got her to say yes. Big fuckin’ deal.

You didn’t lose anything here. They didn’t get one over on you. It only feels that way because you’ve concocted a bullshit fantasy about the way things coulda shoulda woulda been if only… if only… if only what exactly?

Please. You were in a shitty relationship that ended badly three years ago. Quit romanticizing it. You should be laughing at this news. He’s a fool for getting engaged to a cheater, and you’re a mope every goddamned second you don’t see it that way.

Get your shit together, man.