I hate to be this person, but judicial review wasn’t established by the founding fathers. It was Supreme Court Chief Justice John Marshall who essentially granted his own court that power. Again, I apologize for my own cuntiness. I just couldn’t let that one go.

No, no. I appreciate someone who knows their history, but I’m about to out-cunt your cuntiness.

The landmark 1803 case you’re referring to is Marbury v. Madison, which most people assume was the first time the Supreme Court exercised judicial review. It wasn’t. It was merely the first time the Supreme Court struck down an act of Congress as unconstitutional.

The first time the Supreme Court exercised judicial review was under Chief Justice Oliver Ellsworth during the lesser known case of Hylton v. US in 1796. Chief Justice Ellsworth was appointed to the court by George Washington and was himself one of the framers of the Constitution — a founding father if there ever was one.

Plus, founding father and proto-blogger Alexander Hamilton outlined the process of judicial review in his anonymous political zine known as the Federalist Papers.

Good times.

What’s a quick, concise, facts-based way to respond to my mother in law when she starts freaking out about how undemocratic the overturning of prop 8 and DOMA is?

She’s an anti-homo religious nut and we don’t usually discuss subjects on which we know we disagree, but I at least want to have something ready to say when I see her next week. If Facebook is any indication, her passions are running very high. Please help.

Help with what? Fuck your mother-in-law.

She’s obviously an ignorant cunt, and it sounds like her concept of democracy was formed in grade school the same year her class built log cabins out of popsicle sticks. Why bother explaining judicial review to an idiot who confuses the will of the people for mob rule?

Small-minded simpletons like her are the reason we have a representative democracy with an independent judiciary. Of all the checks and balances built into our system of government by the founding fathers, judicial review is the most important when it comes to ensuring that a majority of assholes like your mother-in-law can’t simply vote away the rights of a minority.

Undemocratic my ass. Today’s Supreme Court decision was a rare and shining example of democracy actually working.

What’s the best way to tell my girlfriend she wears too much makeup?

The best way? Pay someone else to do it.

I’m serious. Buy your girlfriend a private makeup class as a gift. Tip the instructor ahead of time. Let her know that you think your girlfriend wears too much makeup, and that you’d like her to discreetly teach your girlfriend how to apply more natural looks.

If that doesn’t work, you’re fucked. I promise, telling her yourself will not elicit a positive reaction, so just shut the hell up and let her keep ruining your pillows.

Why can’t exes be friends? (Yes, apparently I do need it spelled out for me – apologies.)

Relationships are either platonic or romantic. Relationships with your friends are platonic. Relationships with your exes, even though you’ve broken-up with them, are still romantic. In other words, a formerly romantic relationship doesn’t change the fact that the relationship is still fundamentally romantic.

Of course, you can be friendly with your exes. Very friendly. You can have perfectly amicable relationships after you break-up, but you are not platonic friends. You are exes. That’s why there’s a special word for it.

That’s also why a friend-with-benefits doesn’t become an ex once you stop fucking them. Platonic relationships tend to stay platonic, and romantic relationships tend to stay romantic.

This may seem like a bit of a semantic game, but the distinction between platonic and romantic is important, and respecting it can prevent all kinds of negative bullshit from invading your relationships.

LET’S CELEBRATE

Fuck yeah. I just opened the bottle of Republican tears I’ve kept chilled in the fridge in hopes that this day would come. Mmm, delicious!

In honor of this magnificent and monumental moment in American history, I think I’ll go shopping. I have to get new dresses for the hundred gay weddings I’ll be going to this summer.

What’s a reasonable response to someone whose counter to arguments for the need to better access to contraception is to “just not have sex”?

I try not to argue with stupid people, but if I had to give a reasonable response to someone that ignorant, it would go something like this:

You can’t just tell people not to have sex. That’s a dumb and dismissive thing to declare. It’s no different than closing your eyes, putting your hands over your ears, and shouting “La la la, I can’t hear you!” at the top of your lungs like an idiot child.

Sex is a part of the human condition. People fuck. There’s no stopping it, and there’s no use disregarding the inevitability of it. To try and pretend otherwise is to ignore reality for the sake of either weak-minded fedora libertarianism or small-minded puritanical conservatism.

Telling people to “just not have sex” in an argument about contraception is the logical equivalent of telling people to “just not breathe” in an argument about clean air, so if you can’t even grasp the fundamental facts of human sexual behavior, then there’s really no point in arguing a public policy issue as complex and nuanced as reproductive health.

Everything makes me angry. People I used to like are insufferable, I hate the girl I called my best friend, the job I felt important doing is a soul sucking mess, and my 6 year relationship feels tired and boring.

What the fuck happened to me? Why isn’t life fun anymore?

If your six year relationship is tired and boring, then do something about it. Spice that shit up, or move the fuck on.

If you hate your best friend, then confront the source of that negativity. Either fix your friendship, or cut her out of your life.

If the job you once felt was important is a soul sucking mess, then rediscover what’s important to you. Quit if you want. Stick it out if you have to. Whatever. Just find a new way to do your best.

Nothing fucking happened to you. Maybe you’re depressed. Maybe you’re bipolar. Maybe you’re just an irritable cunt, but no matter what, never forget that life is a grind. It’s hard sometimes, and the only way to improve shit is by doing the fucking work it takes to change.

Quit whining about fun and go do something.

Please write something… anything.

I’ll be back soon. Promise.

About six weeks ago, I moved from Boston to Dublin for work. Two weeks later, my long term boyfriend, who I was living with in Boston, broke up with me during an argument. Now he wants to get back together. I was really upset when he broke up with me, but then I started to realize it might have been the right decision. I like the life I am putting together for myself in Dublin. This is a great opportunity for me to really figure out who I am and what I want out of a relationship before settling down, and I want to take full advantage of it. Maybe this isn’t the right time, or maybe he isn’t the right person, but I don’t think that getting back together is right decision.

I sent him an email to that effect yesterday, and told him that I didn’t want to talk to him for a few weeks. He’s been calling/texting/emailing me constantly. 20 missed calls from 5-6AM. 15 more since noon. He thinks I’m having a breakdown and making a huge mistake. He’s demanding a conversation. Do I owe him that? Am I being a total bitch?

I care about him a lot, and we had a lovely relationship. Any advice about how to make this any less gut-wrenching would be much appreciated.

You’re not the one having a breakdown, and he doesn’t get to demand a conversation. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a conversation, but certainly not because you owe him one.

He needs to cool his jets. Text him back letting him know that you don’t want to hear from him for a solid week. No texts. No calls. No communication of any kind, and if he respects that, you’ll call him to have a conversation about closure, but regardless of what happens, he needs to understand that the relationship is over.

He’s not a boyfriend anymore. He is your ex. You need to start treating him like one. Of course you still care about him, and it’s great that you had a lovely relationship, but things are different now, and if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll recognize that you’ve already moved on.

I’m going to college in Atlanta, I’ve lived in Georgia my whole life, and I need a fucking break from the South. I’m still in school for a couple more years, but I’m dying to go somewhere new. One week, $1000, a car, and some badass friends are at my disposal. Where do I go and what do I do?

New York City, baby.

Drive two or three of those badass friends up I-85 to Washington DC, spend the night, have a day in our nation’s capital, and then take I-95 to New York City. Split one hotel room amongst your crew, and spend three or four days seeing everything but Times Square.