I’m 18. I like porn but I don’t feel the tiniest desire to have sex in real life. Plus, I don’t even know which gender I want to do it with. I find both equally attractive. What the hell is going on?

Of course you like porn. Porn is junk food. It’s is cheap, artificially sweetened, and readily available. Like all teenagers, you scarf it down without a second thought. Problem is, your burgeoning sexuality needs some actual nutrition, but no one wants to eat their fucking vegetables.

Sex in real life is complicated. It involves all sorts of confusing emotions. You face the potential for rejection, embarrassment, and shame. It can be messy when you know what you’re doing, and you don’t have a fucking clue.

That’s kind of the point. You think you have a clue because you saw it in a porno, but you don’t. Allow yourself to be clueless. You’re supposed to be wondering what the hell is going on.

Everything you’re feeling is perfectly normal, and you should take all the time you need to figure out your sexuality. You don’t have to pick a gender. You don’t have to start having sex until you’re ready, and when you do, you sure as hell shouldn’t compare it to anything you’ve seen in porn.

Hey coquette, Im just gona cut right to the chase. Im in a long distance relationship with the love of my life, he tells me he loves me too but for some reason, doesn’t trust me. What do i do? He broke up with me once because he got so paranoid he thought i was cheating on him and no matter what i say, he just doesn’t get that i would never do anything like that. Please tell me, I’m confused. I’ll accept whatever u have to say.

He’s cheating on you.

Every once and a while I feel this intense fear knowing the state of our environment and the imminent carbon fueled suffocation of the human race. I feel this intense sense of foreboding when I think about the future. We’re all driving our Co2 spouting automobiles headfirst in to the apocalyptic hell-scape of global warming. There’s no denying it, and even though I do my daily part to be greener, the fact remains that the sheer amount of people choosing ignorance and denial far outweigh the active. I was just thinking about how pointless all my prom photos are in the face of it all. I stress about finals while the world around me melts. Everything is pointless and I will die but how do I reconcile my fear? Not of death, but at never getting a fair shot at life?

Ugh. I know your type. You’ve decided to take your first-world free-floating anxiety and make it all about some vague yet trendy existential threat. In your case, it’s global warming. Please. Get some real problems, bitch. Either that or take a Xanax and shut the fuck up.

First of all, you have no sense of scale and you don’t know shit about climate science. Sure, global warming is a big fucking deal, and go drive a fucking Prius if it makes you feel better, but don’t act like doing your daily part to be greener makes you special in any way whatsoever.

I mean, come on. You wanna talk ignorance and denial? You’re the one who’s blatantly projecting your fear of mortality onto the fucking weather. Quit it. Life may be pointless, and you’re definitely gonna die, but in the meantime you still have to show up and be a part of this ridiculous experiment.

Put down your stupid fucking prom photos, get your shit together, and go study for your finals. Remember, there’s no such thing as a “fair shot at life.” Only a child thinks life is supposed to be fair.

I was given the “money or fame” question and I answered “money” in a heartbeat. My friends were a little surprised, and gave me this lecture about how money can’t buy happiness. Am I greedy? Or just a shy person who wants to buy a hover car in the future? Is there *really* no answer to that question, or is there one?

Your friends are idiots. Not only can money buy happiness, but anyone who wishes for fame is a fucking asshole.

We’re in our early 30s and have been together for 2.5 years. When it’s good, it’s really good – we’re always laughing, talk about the future, getting married, planning a life together. But when it’s bad, it’s to the point of screaming and tears and lately, this happens on a weekly or every other week basis. How do you know whether to keep trying to make the relationship work or call it quits? I know everyone says relationships take work but how much work is too much?

You two are the reason couples counseling was invented. Find a professional, go sit down together, and develop some fresh conflict resolution and anger management skills.

That shit really works.

How can I deal with the anger/frustration that Ann Coulter fills me with? Its not even when she opens her mouth to speak, its just her, she radiates hatred.

I like to think of Ann Coulter as an evil Jim Henson puppet. (I’m pretty sure she was originally a Skeksis from The Dark Crystal.)

Point is, it’s a lot easier to deal with her persona when you consider it to be a grotesque piece of fiction, rather than think of her as a black-hearted human being made entirely of cancer and bile.

I usually don’t recommend dehumanizing one’s enemies, but in her case I make an exception, because I really don’t want to have to manufacture pity for someone that consistently awful.

Harry Styles is in L.A. I think you should fuck him.

Please. He hasn’t even graduated from Hogwarts. Call me in a decade when he hits his Timberlake phase.

I’ve already had some profound revelations that will stay with me for the rest of my life from two acid trips and I will be doing many more. I know a guy who is making DMT as I type this, and I want to try smoking it. What are your thoughts on the drug?

If acid is like spending an afternoon splashing around in a swimming pool, then DMT is like plunging to the bottom of the Mariana Trench and then floating back up to the surface.

Smoke in a safe, silent space with someone who’s been there before and knows what they’re doing. Go into it with an open mind and an open heart. Don’t treat it as recreation. Treat it as exploration.

I just saw this pop up on facebook and I’m curious about what you’d say to this:

“In all of my research on the subject of gay marriage here are the indisputable facts. All but 1 of the major religions around the globe do not condone homosexual marriage and all but 2 find it insulting. As of July 2012 that accounts for roughly 66% of the worlds population. 2/3rds of the people on the planet find it insulting for homosexuals to be married. While the homosexual, bisexual, and transgender population of the united states is estimated at only 3.8% or 9 million which out of the total population of the world comes out to be .13%. .13% wants to have their voice heard over 66%. Remember these are indisputable facts so before anyone tries to make a biased opinionated comment let me remind you that nothing in this statement, according to valid sources, is incorrect. Let math speak for this not bitter words.”

First of all, this isn’t math. This is number salad, and the idiot who tossed it together doesn’t understand statistics or the meaning of the word indisputable.

I’m willing to grant that most of the world’s major religions have fucked up opinions about gay marriage, but it takes a rambling mess of logical fallacies to conclude that 66% of the people on the planet find gay marriage insulting due to the institutionalized ignorance of their respective religions.

I have more faith in humanity than that, but hey, just for the sake of argument, let’s say that 66% of the people on the planet really are against gay marriage. So fucking what? All that means is 66% of the people are 100% wrong.

See? Simple math. So simple that the percentage of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender doesn’t factor into this moral equation at all. For the record, it’s definitely higher than 3.8%, but even if it was .001%, it wouldn’t matter in the least.

You don’t get to deny people their civil liberties just because they’re in the minority. Everyone deserves equal rights under the law, and everyone else’s stupid religion can just step the fuck off.

I live in Boston. What’s the best way to deal with my anger?
Recognize it. Sit down next to your anger and just fucking recognize that shit, but whatever you do, don’t take it out on people. It’s there, and it’s justified, but it’s not to be inflicted on others.

WHY do people only care about the explosions that occur in America and not explosions that America causes?
It’s a phenomenon known as selective empathy made worse by a nasty case of American exceptionalism. Don’t let it make you angry, especially not right now. You would be wise not to inject your personal politics into conversations about Boston.

What the fuck do we do when the world just keeps getting scarier and scarier?
The world isn’t getting scarier. You’re just a bit scared. It’s an understandable reaction, but don’t let fear take root in your head.

I was there. I saw the explosions, and now I don’t know what to do.
You’ll be okay. The shock is starting to wear off, and you’re gonna be left with some intense emotions. Give yourself some time and allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s all perfectly normal.