Dear Coquette,

I’m 23 and I just found out that I have a tumor in my brain. The oncologist said it was inoperable and that with treatment, I have about 15-24 months; without treatment, who knows.

I haven’t told anyone this yet, but I am going to, and while I’m willing to go see any and every doctor, if they all say the same thing as my initial oncologist, I’m not going to spend the last months of my life going through all the hell of chemotherapy and radiation. How do I tell that to my family and friends, when I know all they will want is for me to fight this for as long as possible? Tell me straight, am I being selfish or cowardly for not wanting to fight a losing battle?

If you’re refusing treatment out of fear without consideration for your friends and family, then yes, you are being both selfish and cowardly. The selfish part is perfectly understandable. You’re entitled to some selfishness when facing your own mortality. However, the cowardly part is unacceptable.

Of course you don’t want to fight a losing battle. Who would? Nobody wants to suffer, but I’ve got more bad news for you. Suffering is inevitable. Your mind and body are going to deteriorate. There’s a part of you that understands that, but you’re still smack dab in middle of the denial phase, and you’re focusing too much on the effects of chemotherapy and radiation.

No doubt the doctors are telling you to start treatment immediately. You’re thinking that you’ve got the holidays coming up, and if they’re going to be your last, you’d rather not spend them puking your guts out.

Right now you’re weighing the pros and cons of blowing it out for six to nine months verses hunkering down and weathering treatment for a couple of years. Thing is, that’s a false dichotomy. This isn’t an either/or kind of situation. This is all gray area and dark, sticky unknowns.

One thing I can promise you is that eventually you will seek some form of treatment for your disease, and chemotherapy and radiation are your first best options. They’re scary, but you don’t get to walk away from them without first understanding the consequences. Don’t just talk to doctors. Talk to other cancer patients, too. They’re the ones who really know.

Nobody wants to fight a losing battle, but guess what? Life is a losing battle for every last one of us. Sure, you’ve taken a big hit, but you don’t get to quit just yet. It’s too early for that kind of decision.

Gave online dating a shot, thought I had met a nice guy. Date One consisted of Farmers Market, food trucks, bloody marys and coffees and lasted 5 hours. Great conversation/banter. Second date good but not great, Indian Food, no booze. On Date 3 went to his place, he cooked steaks and 3 bottles of wine later we had sex. A few times. Texted a few days later to thank him for dinner, he responded quickly and enthusiastically, we made tentative plans for the weekend. On Friday I receive this email:

“I had a fabulous time last Sunday: there is not much I enjoy more than gorging myself on wine, pound-cake and sloppy, reckless sex.  That said, I think I need to be romantically involved with someone less intemperate than myself, lest I end up with child, HIV, and bigger pants.  I’ll call you as soon as I manage to add moderation to my quiver of vices.”

Questions 1: What does this even mean?

Question 2: How do I respond?

Question 3: All my girlfriends are telling me that I had sex with him to soon, trouble is I like sex and I don’t believe in arbitrarily following number of date guidelines to decide when to have sex…. What say you?

Thanks!

Answer 1: It means you fucked a magnificent douchebag who doesn’t want to bother coming back for seconds.

Answer 2: You don’t. Just delete the prick.

Answer 3: Ignore your slut-shaming girlfriends.

You’re welcome.

What is your definition of madness? When is the line drawn between creativity and insanity? Can madness sometimes be a symptom belonging to brilliance? – Crazy Artist

What is your definition of pretentious? When is the line drawn between having no talent and being full of shit? Can taking yourself too seriously be a symptom belonging to idiots? – Crazy Bitch

So contrary to today’s question asker I am fat… I am obese. I am a size 24 and I need lose weight. The issue is that I come from an extremely dysfunctional family. I am the most successful of my siblings – I went to college and have a degree, I have a great job, own my own place and have a nice car. Both of my siblings are divorced, neither really went to college – my brother is a (sometimes) recovering addict, my sister divorced her addict husband, and both typically are hovering just above the poverty line (at least when my brother is sober he is). Both also have children that aren’t always parented and are only well behaved about 30% of the time. Back to me – I have been fat since I was 10 – I have lost and re-gained weight a million times. I have cut ties with my family and been sucked back in over and over again. I’m 31 and although I am a serial monogamist I often feel like I am too damaged to truly have a successful relationship – thus I’ve never been married and I don’t have children. So a lot of days i feel like it’s an accomplishment that I am as “normal” and “well-adjusted” as I am considering the circumstances. Is it okay to continue to eat my feelings and dysfunction away? Should I feel accomplished that even though I am fat and cannot conquer this obstacle that at least I can hold the rest of my figurative shit together? And does it matter that regardless of your answer my self-esteem is still going to suck?

You are not normal, nor are you well-adjusted. You are incredibly unhealthy, both physically and emotionally. It’s great that you got a degree, a job, a home, and a car, but don’t confuse your bourgeois starter kit for normalcy or accomplishment.

In fact, fuck normalcy. That shouldn’t be your goal in the first place. You’re chasing security and happiness where they don’t exist. Instead, seek balance. That’s what’s missing in your life. On some level you already know that, which is why you’re coming at me with all this rationalization.

I can’t tell you how to achieve balance, but I doubt you’ll be able to do it without losing weight and coming to terms with your family. Go see a shrink, and while you’re at it, a doctor.

Getting healthy isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

I’m a size 6. I’m not unhappy with my weight, but I’m not happy with it either. The problem is, I love to eat way too much. I have no self control. I’m not sure whether I should try to lose weight or not. It’s going to take a lot of will power and it’s going to be a challenge. And I’m not FAT, I’m just not skinny. Losing the weight would make me feel better about myself but it is not absolutely needed. Do you think it’s worth it? Should I try to look my best even though I’m fine the way I am?

Shut up and go burn your fucking magazines.

You’ve given a lot of good advice about threesomes, but mostly regarding girls having them with a heterosexual couple.  What are your thoughts about a woman having a threesome with two men?

Fucking two men at the same time can be a lot of fun, but unless you hang out with a bunch of swingers, that kind of trio is harder to get started than you’d think. You’d be surprised how rare it is for a pair of straight dudes to be comfortable enough to double up on a girl and not freak out if their balls accidentally slap together. I imagine it’s easier with not-so-straight guys, but man-on-man action isn’t my thing. I prefer being the center of attention rather than the vagina in the room that keeps everyone bisexual on a technicality.

If you do find two guys willing and able to sex you up at the same time, odds are they already know each other pretty well, so fair warning — it’s highly likely at some point during the threesome they will either fist bump or high five each other. Try not to take this the wrong way. It’s a sign things are going well.

Feel free to get creative, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. If you feel like getting DP’d, just remember, let the guy with the smaller dick be the one to fuck you in the ass. Trust me, it’s easier for everyone that way.

Well, about the chick who got knocked up, if she was so set on having the baby, couldn’t she just leave it up for adoption? That would only be if she’s set on having the kid though. If she wants to abort it, do it.

No, no. Obviously, you aren’t familiar with rich southern families. Once that kid is born, the biological father has rights, and folks like that don’t fuck around when it comes to potential heirs.

The brutal truth is that unless the mother is black, there’s no way in hell they’d allow her to put that baby up for adoption in New York.