Well, Coquette — I messed up big.

I got caught shoplifting from a major retail chain. It was dumb, I know, and I shouldn’t have done it, but I get some weird satisfaction from it. I’m not a spoiled brat; I earn every dollar I have, but sometimes I just want something the rich girls have. Stealing it makes it even better for some reason. Messed up — I know.

They banned me from all of their store locations as well as all their affiliate chains for three years, which I can deal with, since it was all too expensive anyway. They said what they wouldn’t call the police but would instead settle this privately. I just received a letter demanding a $350 settlement with the next 20 days.

This seems steep. The total cost of the things I tried to lift was well under $100 and they recouped all of it. Also, I graduated from college last week (woooo) but am currently in the pool of jobless millennials that everyone is so fond of writing about these days. I’m already on food stamps and I’m really anxious about paying rent next month if I don’t find something fast. I know I’ll get something soon, but bills don’t wait on that and I don’t really have $350 of wiggle room at the moment.

Do you think the punishment is fair? I’m trying to see both sides, but I really want to contest it. Should I, or should I just pay up and deal with the heavy punishment this multimillion-dollar corporation is laying on me because it’s better than jail time (or whatever would have happened if they’d called the cops)? Basically, I’m asking if I’m really as terrible as this company is making me out to be. 

Ugh. Yes, you’re terrible. You’re a whiny, remorseless little twit with a massive sense of entitlement and no integrity. The worst part is that you’re trying to portray yourself as the victim here. It’s disgusting.

Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound bragging about how you earn every dollar you have? You’re on food stamps, bitch. You’re just a spoiled brat on welfare trying to justify shoplifting a tacky set of earrings from Macy’s.

You’re a petty thief. How is it possible that you’re not every flavor of ashamed? Are you really that much of a narcissist that you think you don’t deserve this? No one is taking advantage of you. In fact, you’re getting off easy, and you should consider yourself lucky that this matter is being settled privately. 

If you were smart, you’d shut up and pay the money, but I hope you’re as dumb as you seem. I hope your overinflated ego gets the best of you and you give them the middle finger. I hope they press criminal charges and grind you through the system so you can get a taste of what real punishment is like.

You deserve it.

Bad mood tonight?

Nope. Just high and a little bored waiting on my one friend who seems to exit the space-time continuum every time she starts putting on make-up. Five more minutes my ass. I’m growin’ cunt hairs over here.

I’m snooping in my boyfriend’s phone. I find a weird number. I google the number and it’s someone in another state. I call the number and a chick answers. Do I have a right to ask my boyfriend about it? Am I wrong for invading his privacy?

Of course you’re wrong, but you should go ahead and ask your boyfriend about the number. Be sure to tell him you googled it before dialing. He deserves to know how batshit you are.

I got knocked up when I was 16 (yes, my bad, but fuck it shit happens)(and don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter more than anything) and was with the dad for about a year before he vanished for a week, due to a large amount of drugs, alcohol, and another lady friend. He has stayed with her and now they are engaged. I have a boyfriend that I am content with. I’ve never stopped loving my ex, but I also started to hate him just as much for being the stereotypical ‘dead-beat dad’. He finally got sent to jail for a while and is now on felony probation, thus he can’t drink and shit. So he’s being the person I fell in love with and wanted to be with forever, instead of the twacked-out alcoholic he became when he turned 21. (hope that made sense). For the sake of our daughter we’ve become civil, social, and ‘friends’ again. I’ve forgiven him for what he did that hurt our family so long ago… I guess what I’m getting at is that the other day we went out to this nice secluded spot by the river and ended up sleeping together. I know I’m a hypocritical bastard now for cheating on my own boyfriend, and I’m having a hard time figuring out how to tell him what I did. Also, all the old memories of mine and my exs old relationship have come rushing back, and I miss him all over again. Obviously if he’s going to cheat on his fiance with me, and on me with her, there’s really no hope of me and him ever having an honest open relationship again, right? ‘Cause if they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you, right? Sorry, I’m just really confused and figure asking you might help… Thanks.

You should have gotten an abortion. Better yet, your mother should have.

Have a nice life.

I’ve had two dreams with you already. In each, you’ve always been this ridiculously classy woman with a funky edge and a terrifyingly cool attitude. In the first I had apparently landed a sick internship at People’s Revolution, and you were driving me there in a red range rover looking all amazing & shit then its all blank don’t remember much. On to the next. In this one you were rocking that playsuit you got for valentines day on some hotel roof top pool and you were trying to save a beat up black girl from these 8 foot giant Jennifer Lopez sex robots. You were pulling off some serious acrobatic stunts, shooting those bitches down with two gold dessert eagles while strutting some seriously dangerous 6 inch heels.  Then these aliens came in dropping grenades and you were like “You Cunts better be ready for some intergalatic fuckery.” You then preceded to undress yourself and your Vagina then shot them down with this massive laser thingy. Damn. I don’t know who you are, or how you pull off being so fucking rad, but even in my dreams your the coolest Mother Fucker EVER. Gay men need women like you in their lives. Much Love ! CQ

I’ve had an incredibly difficult week.

My brain is melted, I’ve lost my tan, and I need to get fucked worse than a short bus full of Catholic schoolgirls on ecstasy.

Anyways, I finally took my head out of my ass long enough to unscrew the top off the nearest bottle of wine, and I started reading over my latest submissions. That’s when I came across this hilariousness and nearly spat two buck chuck all over my computer screen. Intergalactic fuckery, indeed.

Thank you for making me laugh out loud, you silly homo.

Love, peace, and bacon grease. – CT

Dear Coquette,

My girlfriend was supposed to move in with me a month ago down in Florida. We have been together for almost a year now and she suffers from borderline personality disorder. My reason for being down here is that I had got into some trouble and lied to her for four months about it. She has been great and stuck by my side through everything. Came to visit me every month and was so excited to live with me. The week before coming down she decided not to. I reacted a little inappropriately due to my fear of losing her. Said some things I shouldn’t have and she broke up with me. Said she needed to get her priorities straight. However, due to her BPD she lives in constant fear of losing people closest to her and her constant insecurity about herself has forced her to seek attention from another man. We were so in love. She told me I was different than any guy she had ever been with. Said she wanted to marry me and everything. I have never been so in love with another woman but I just don’t know what to do anymore. My parents don’t want anything to do with her and are telling me she is crazy. I can’t just sit by and watch someone I love keep hurting themselves. She has been in so many horrible relationships, so she says. I just want the love of my life back and I want her to get help for her BPD. Unless she does something she will keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. I have decided to move back to NJ in two weeks. I am still so hurt and angry at the way she handled everything but at the same time it is partially my fault. She doesn’t even think or realize that she is doing anything wrong. Basically what I have been trying to say this whole time is how do I get the love of my life back? Did the distance get to her? People with BPD can turn on the people they love in the blink of an eye. I just want to know if I have a shot at this or is she doomed to this life of failed relationships? How can I get this lost soul to realize that this man cares and loves her unconditionally. I love her for her even with all the craziness she creates around her.

The love of your life? Dude, shut up. You’re in your early 20s at best, armed with the emotional maturity of a drunken teenager. You haven’t made a life yet. All you’ve made is a string of poor life choices.

Your ex-girlfriend isn’t a “lost soul.” She’s a whacked-out bitch who uses an otherwise legitimate diagnosis to absolve herself for wildly inappropriate behavior. Oh, and did you notice what I called her there? That’s right. She’s your ex-girlfriend. Do you know why I called her that? Because she broke up with you.

Do you have any idea how creepy it is when dudes talk about past relationships in the present tense? It makes you sound like a potential stalker. You may have been together for almost a year, but you are not together anymore. Get it through your thick skull that the relationship is over, and quite frankly, it should stay that way.

I really can’t put my advice any more plainly than this: Forget her and move on. One more time for the cheap seats: Forget her and move on. Not that it matters how hard I hammer you with it, because I know damn well that nothing I say can stop you from swooning into another series of horrible decisions with this girl. You’re a lovesick chaos junkie. I might as well tell a crackhead to just quit smoking all that crack.

You’re addicted to the swirling drama she creates in your life. Her borderline personality disorder is your drug, and you keep coming back for more no matter how miserable she makes you. The best thing she ever did for you was kick you to the curb, but you’re still neck deep in your crazy phase without enough self-respect to cut your losses and walk away.

You’re not being romantic. You’re being pathetic. Get it together, man.

Dear Coquette,

I’ve got a stable, successful career that allows me the opportunity to have my own home, support my disabled mother, and put my husband through college without him having to work a job. I work really hard for what I’ve got, and I’ve come a long way from my past (super broke ghetto kid); conversely, my husband has never had to work for much (super rich golden child). I’m glad that I can support him and give him the life I wish I had — after all, who doesn’t want a free ride through college without having the distraction of a job to bog you down? But at the same time, I’m kicking my own ass because, deep down, I feel resentful of his position. Even he claims to feel “unfulfilled” by not holding down a job, which in turn makes me feel even more resentful because I feel like he should be super grateful for what I do for him.

I guess the question is, am I a jerk for feeling resentful? Didn’t I do it to myself? And shouldn’t I just be pleased with myself for doing a good deed?

Never expect someone to feel grateful. Ever. Just don’t do it. It’s always better to be pleasantly surprised when someone expresses genuine gratitude, as opposed to being constantly disappointed by a world full of petty thoughtlessness.

While you’re at it, try not to be all pleased with yourself for doing a good deed. It’s just a manifestation of your ego, and that never layers well with expectations of gratitude. It’s also the kind of thing that turns selfless acts into selfish ones, and the resulting emotions are the inevitable building blocks of resentment.

Speaking of which, are you ready for some brutal truth? Golden boy resents you too. All that whining about being unfulfilled is a manifestation of his resentment, and it’s the closest he’ll ever come to telling you the dark and sticky truth, outside of couples therapy.

His resentment isn’t justified, but that’s why he keeps it to himself. Quite frankly, your resentment isn’t justified either, and between the two of you, you’re each bottling up enough of the stuff to turn it into a slow-acting poison for your marriage.

You guys should really air out these issues. The sooner the better. Over time, this is the stuff that silently kills long-term relationships, because it erodes the foundation of respect upon which they’re built.

A few days ago I got home drunk and a guy asked to have breakfast with me at 5am while I was still drunk. We went out and we really hit it off and ended up having sex later that morning. Problem is, my best friend said she wanted to bang him also. They had not seen one another for a couple years though and he doesn’t feel the same way about her. How do I tell her about what happened? Should I even tell her at all?

Did you have waffles? I’m totally craving waffles now. Fuck. I haven’t had lunch yet, and you just gave me a massive goddamn waffle craving. Ugh, you bitch.

Oh well, at least I didn’t answer a sunrise drunk dial from some douche that my ugly best friend tried calling dibs on.

Mmm. I think I’ll get some bacon, too.