Fun-Sized Advice

On a few more cites

Thoughts on Vegas?
Vegas is a prostitute who wears too much make-up. If you know the right locals, she can be a hooker with a heart of gold, but still, you’ll always have to leave your money on the nightstand.

Dare I ask: Atlanta.

I’ve said it before, Atlanta is a gaudy label whore who knows how to have a good time. I like Atlanta. It’s the unofficial capital of the south, and far and away the best Real Housewives franchise.

Dallas! How do you feel about Dallas?

Dallas is a bipolar trophy wife who secretly voted for Obama, partly so she could feel sophisticated, partly out of white guilt, but mostly just to spite her rich republican husband.

What about Houston?

When people talk shit about Texas, what they’re really talking shit about is Houston.


If Florida is America’s penis, Tampa is America’s raging case of herpes.

What about Miami?

Miami is not America. Miami is the VIP section of Cuba.

What about places in Connecticut?

There’s nothing in Connecticut but insurance companies and Yale.

What about Kansas City?

Which one?

I’m honestly wondering how long you’ll keep reviewing cities before you start snarking all over us for continuing to ask. Let’s try Rochester, NY?

You probably don’t want me snarking all over you when the only thing your town is known for is something called a “red hot garbage plate.”

Are we just doing American cities? What about Toronto? We gave the world Drake!

Yeah, thanks. You can have him back.

You are so terribly fuckin’ wrong. You are what is known as a “Cunt”. Cunt.

You are definitely from Chicago.


2 thoughts on “On a few more cites

  1. K says:

    My boyfriend’s Mom’s friend tried to tell me I was “from the South.” Savage!

    Miami is in no way, shape, or form the South. Get a clue, lady, and a plane ticket.

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