Fun-Sized Advice

On even more cities

Palo Alto?
Palo Alto isn’t a city. It’s a suburb that won the lottery.

Sacramento is the most self-deprecating state capital in the country. Everyone I’ve ever met from Sacramento has been super cool, and yet no one seems proud to be from there.

What about San Diego?
San Diego is an ignorant douche-bro in a backwards baseball cap who deserves to get stabbed in the face by Tijuana.

What about Salt Lake City?
Salt Lake City is that girl in church camp who everyone thinks is a goody-two-shoes, but secretly smokes cigarettes and gives blowjobs behind the cafeteria.

Savannah, GA
Savannah is a spoiled little rich girl who calls herself an artist and thinks she’s being rebellious by dating a black guy.

Portland feels like cheating, like it would be too easy to live a happy and healthy life surrounded by quirky and intelligent people.

I hesitate to ask: Omaha, NE?
It’s a little known fact, but much like the Vatican in Rome, Omaha is actually a sovereign city-state ruled by Warren Buffett.

Come on, darlin. Tell me about Vermont.
I love Vermont. It’s my secret fantasy to move there one day. You think I’m joking, but I’m not.

Paris is the only city.

Fun-Sized Advice

On a few more cites

Thoughts on Vegas?
Vegas is a prostitute who wears too much make-up. If you know the right locals, she can be a hooker with a heart of gold, but still, you’ll always have to leave your money on the nightstand.

Dare I ask: Atlanta.

I’ve said it before, Atlanta is a gaudy label whore who knows how to have a good time. I like Atlanta. It’s the unofficial capital of the south, and far and away the best Real Housewives franchise.

Dallas! How do you feel about Dallas?

Dallas is a bipolar trophy wife who secretly voted for Obama, partly so she could feel sophisticated, partly out of white guilt, but mostly just to spite her rich republican husband.

What about Houston?

When people talk shit about Texas, what they’re really talking shit about is Houston.


If Florida is America’s penis, Tampa is America’s raging case of herpes.

What about Miami?

Miami is not America. Miami is the VIP section of Cuba.

What about places in Connecticut?

There’s nothing in Connecticut but insurance companies and Yale.

What about Kansas City?

Which one?

I’m honestly wondering how long you’ll keep reviewing cities before you start snarking all over us for continuing to ask. Let’s try Rochester, NY?

You probably don’t want me snarking all over you when the only thing your town is known for is something called a “red hot garbage plate.”

Are we just doing American cities? What about Toronto? We gave the world Drake!

Yeah, thanks. You can have him back.

You are so terribly fuckin’ wrong. You are what is known as a “Cunt”. Cunt.

You are definitely from Chicago.

Fun-Sized Advice

On some other cities

I’ll ask. Thoughts on New Orleans?
New Orleans is a filthy pile of hot sex and shit. Everything there is thick. The air. The women. The patois. Just thinking of that city makes me want to get fucked on a balcony. The rest of America doesn’t deserve New Orleans.

What about Austin?
Austin is like a hot guy, but a hot guy who’s only hot when he lets his beard grow out, and that’s great for a one night stand, but if you ever had a long term thing you’d always be forced to choose between dealing with his prickly whiskers or him not being as hot.

What about Boston?
Boston is a city with a rich and important history, but until those people learn how to pronounce the letter R, I really can’t have anything to do with it.

I will admit, your cheese steaks are delicious, but other than that, I’ve always wondered what you guys were so damned proud of.

What do you think of North Carolina?
Charlotte is a sprawling suburban nightmare of homogenized American mediocrity, but Asheville is quite lovely.

As long as you’re talking cities, what about Phoenix?
Phoenix is a desert hellscape filled with angry, dehydrated republicans.

What about New Mexico?
I hear your meth is fantastic.


On maine

I know you might be getting a bunch of ‘but what about such and such a place??’ questions, but I’ve got to ask mine.. what about Maine? I’ve got my heart on my sleeve for York County, myself. Especially Wells. I’m a young adult, and from what I hear I’m supposed to live in a city, especially since I can’t drive. But Wells is where my heart is, can’t help it.

I picked blueberries in Maine once as a child. It was the first time I’d ever seen a rocky beach. I thought it was beautiful, and I felt like for the first time I understood the difference between the ocean and the sea.

I remember Maine as something muted and pale, but ultimately pleasant, sort of like walking through an Andrew Wyeth painting. That’s it, really. Everything else I know about Maine I learned from Stephen King books.


On detroit

Okay, now I’m curious too—Detroit: frozen hell filled with rusted cars, or a city that needs to get over feeling sorry for itself and get shit done?

While I have my reservations about OCP’s use of heavily armed enforcement droids in the more crime ridden neighborhoods, I do support the Chairman’s plans to demolish Old Detroit and redevelop it as Delta City.


On minneapolis

Do I dare ask your thoughts on Minneapolis?

I’ve never been to Minneapolis, or if I have, I don’t remember it. I imagine Minneapolis is filled with incredibly well-mannered white people who talk about things like snow tires, and everything there tastes like unsalted butter.


On london

While we’re on the subject… London?

London is Narnia. Everybody there either went to Hogwarts or is some kind of chimney sweep. I mean, come on. They still have Kings and Queens and shit. How fucking ridiculous is that?

I dunno. I’ve spent enough time in London to know it’s not actually a magical place, but if a real live fucking goblin ever popped out from under a bridge and started quoting Monty Python at me, I honestly wouldn’t be all that surprised.


On san francisco

Yo, I wanna hear what you have to say about San Francisco.  Moved here a year and a half ago, have lots of love for many things in the Bay Area but having troubz rationalizing the garbage attitudes.  Thoughts?

I love San Francisco, but only in small doses. The people I know there are hella cool, and by people, I mean individuals with distinct thoughts and opinions.

That’s what’s weird about San Francisco. If you step back from it and let everyone’s personality dissolve into a fog of human energy, that shit doesn’t feel quite right. For some reason, the people there buzz at an annoying frequency.

Still, it’s great for a long, drug-fueled weekend. I mean, where else could my tattooed lesbian stripper friends take me to an impromptu Wiccan ceremony in the tower of a legendary Victorian mansion that some weirdo aging hippie bought because the founder of the Church of Satan used to hang out there?

When it’s not taking itself too seriously, San Francisco is a magnificent fucking freak show, and the only thing I love more than getting sticky in it is finally getting to leave.


On chicago

I’m curious – what are your thoughts on Chicago? I know you have mad love for LA and NYC, but I’m curious.

Chicago is a frozen hell filled with weathered souls. It is the municipal embodiment of an inferiority complex, a place that didn’t invent hot dogs or corruption, but perfected both.

The best thing I can say about Chicago is that the people I know who are from there are big-hearted and fiercely loyal. Of course, none of them live there anymore, which is kind of the point.

I have respect for Chicago, but no love.


On moving to new york

This happens to me every year during our industry cycle. Someone pops up and asks me if I want to work in New York. Is there anything you can say to help me figure out where I stand? I don’t know what my priorities should be because I feel triumphant or fucked either way I think about it. For every reason I come up with, there’s a counter. Being anywhere is exactly the same opportunity.

Holy shit, do I feel you. I struggle with this question every goddamned season.

If I moved to New York I could instantly double my salary. Plus, there are so many more opportunities for advancement in my industry. Honestly, I’ve almost gone and done it twice now.

I came really close this year. Really close — as in, I got rid of half my shit and started looking at apartments in lower Manhattan.

Ugh. I love spending time in New York, and I already have friends there, but living in that city is hard. Even at twice the salary I could only afford a tiny shoebox in the neighborhood I’d want. And I hate being cold. Hate it. Hate it.

Still, New York is the center of the fucking universe, and if I didn’t love LA so much, I would have already moved there long ago.

Triumphant or fucked either way. Yeah. That’s a perfect description. Damn, I wish I knew what to tell you.

Fucking hell. Lemme know what you decide.