I’ll ask. Thoughts on New Orleans?
New Orleans is a filthy pile of hot sex and shit. Everything there is thick. The air. The women. The patois. Just thinking of that city makes me want to get fucked on a balcony. The rest of America doesn’t deserve New Orleans.

What about Austin?
Austin is like a hot guy, but a hot guy who’s only hot when he lets his beard grow out, and that’s great for a one night stand, but if you ever had a long term thing you’d always be forced to choose between dealing with his prickly whiskers or him not being as hot.

What about Boston?
Boston is a city with a rich and important history, but until those people learn how to pronounce the letter R, I really can’t have anything to do with it.

philadelphia?!?
I will admit, your cheese steaks are delicious, but other than that, I’ve always wondered what you guys were so damned proud of.

What do you think of North Carolina?
Charlotte is a sprawling suburban nightmare of homogenized American mediocrity, but Asheville is quite lovely.

As long as you’re talking cities, what about Phoenix?
Phoenix is a desert hellscape filled with angry, dehydrated republicans.

What about New Mexico?
I hear your meth is fantastic.