Fun-Sized Advice

On even more cities

Palo Alto?
Palo Alto isn’t a city. It’s a suburb that won the lottery.

Sacramento is the most self-deprecating state capital in the country. Everyone I’ve ever met from Sacramento has been super cool, and yet no one seems proud to be from there.

What about San Diego?
San Diego is an ignorant douche-bro in a backwards baseball cap who deserves to get stabbed in the face by Tijuana.

What about Salt Lake City?
Salt Lake City is that girl in church camp who everyone thinks is a goody-two-shoes, but secretly smokes cigarettes and gives blowjobs behind the cafeteria.

Savannah, GA
Savannah is a spoiled little rich girl who calls herself an artist and thinks she’s being rebellious by dating a black guy.

Portland feels like cheating, like it would be too easy to live a happy and healthy life surrounded by quirky and intelligent people.

I hesitate to ask: Omaha, NE?
It’s a little known fact, but much like the Vatican in Rome, Omaha is actually a sovereign city-state ruled by Warren Buffett.

Come on, darlin. Tell me about Vermont.
I love Vermont. It’s my secret fantasy to move there one day. You think I’m joking, but I’m not.

Paris is the only city.


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