Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Will you be attending the Woman’s March on the 21st?

Dating a guy, just slept with him and it was terrible. Try to fix it, or leave in search of greener pastures?
The word “terrible” isn’t much to go on. If you like the guy and it was just accidentally awkward and confusing, then give him a couple attempts to find his footing. If you don’t really know how you feel about him and the sex was deliberately thoughtless or disrespectful, then immediately get the fuck out.

Do we really want to get Trump impeached in 2018? I loath the man and everything he stands for, but isn’t Pence worse?
No. Pence is not worse. He is demonstrably horrible, but if Trump were to be removed from office, the Vice President would be so thoroughly hobbled by the impeachment process and a freshly elected midterm Democratic majority that his Presidency would be reduced to a short, shame-filled exercise in seat-warming until the 2020 election.

What is your take on the unbelievably insane Golden Showers situation that quite frankly sounds completely plausible? What are your thoughts, and what will be the outcome? Everyone’s getting into it, but I feel your eloquence and savagery is required.
Of course it’s plausible. I’ve never fucked a rich man who wasn’t into some super kinky shit. Honestly, a little piss play with Russian hookers barely moves the needle on my freak-o-meter. The Trump Presidential Library will most certainly have an adult section, but that’s not at all important. What matters is, can he do the job? JFK was fucking movie stars two at a time, but damnit, the man knew how to lead a country. Can the same be said for Trump? Hell no. Don’t let the titillating nonsense distract you from the glaring reality that Trump is grossly unqualified for the Presidency.

Is it really as simple as to just… stop? Train myself out of certain maladaptive behaviors? I’ve been skeptical of the “fake it til you make it” tribe but maybe that’s what I have to do in order to quit being a neurotic asshole. Thoughts?
Yes. It really is that simple, but simple ain’t easy.

We’ve been dating a year and a half and suddenly I’ve gotten a dose of jealousy. Everything is status quo, but I get a twinge of something whenever I think of him having been with another girl. I don’t like this sensation and the logical part of my brain knows I need to chill the fuck out and let the past be in the past, but this doesn’t always help. How do I fix this?
A threesome.

Your advice works.
Yeah, I know.

I’m getting to know a guy from Bumble. Checks all the boxes: job, house, close with family, no kids, etc. However, he told me yesterday that he was addicted to pain pills and has been clean for 4 years. Is this a giant red flag?
Not if it was after some kind of injury or surgery that he can specifically point to and say, “this is how it started.” If he can’t do that, then there’s more to the story that he’s not telling you, and the real red flag has yet to be unfurled.

I’ve been following you for years. Your current comments section drives me crazy. I’m so glad more people have found you, but I can’t even click through anymore. I don’t mind engaging in thoughtful debate, but I can’t take the misogynistic, unintelligible, unfunny fuck-wits. I don’t know how they found us. I wish they would leave.
I’m open to any and all ideas on improving the level of discourse in my comments section. Sure, at any time, I could interfere and start pruning the weeds, but I’d rather you all find a way to self-correct. For instance, and I can’t stress this enough, stop engaging with the fuck-wits. We all know who they are. Ignore them.


86 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

    • Marc Forrester says:

      Careful with that sort of thing. Voting based systems are the favourite plaything of fuck-wits with too much time on their hands, downvotes especially are a popular way to target individuals for silencing.

  1. Elsie says:

    I thought the comments were pretty good here. Yeah, don’t feed trolls.

    I’m marching in Nashville. Unfortunately, my sign “Make Ovaries Great Again!” got a lukewarm response from the women I polled. Oh well.

  2. kate says:

    What is your take on the unbelievably insane Golden Showers situation that quite frankly sounds completely plausible? What are your thoughts, and what will be the outcome? Everyone’s getting into it, but I feel your eloquence and savagery is required.

    To me, the real scandal here is that, whether this particular incident is true or not, the FBI was silent about possible Russian influence on Trump, while it spoke on Clinton’s e-mails. That double standard may have been what threw the election Trump’s way.

      • J Lynn says:

        Seems arguable that FBI + Putin amounted to the closest thing to a coup in US history.

        On the FBI part, there were a couple good articles published in Daily Beast shortly before or after the election about how Guiliani unofficially leads a of cell of reactionary dissidents in the NYC Bureau office.

    • Confused says:

      Right to free speech is maintained irrespective of lobbyist behind the speech. What’s the difference between Russian lobbying and bank lobbying. As a man on the street which is more valid. At least trump bothered to address the heartland.
      Put another way (Seinfeld) the political decision is similar to medicine shopping:
      This one is quick-acting, but this one is long- lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?

    • VeryOn says:

      Every step the FBI took was calculated to fuck up the election.
      They knew it.
      That makes them treasonous.
      And it’s almost like the kkk infiltration of law enforcement actually includes the FBI.
      It would take the CIA and NSA working together to connect the foreign dots to a point where we see action. I wish I could see Comeys face when trump purges the IC according to Putins instruction.

  3. Barefootsie says:

    I’m glad someone asked you, and that you’re marching! I came here today to ask that very same question. So heartening to know that we’ll be protesting together, even if we’re separated by pixels, cities, or miles.

      • Chris says:

        Saw one with Trump’s hair all fucked up that said “NOPE’ instead of Hope, and it was in the same style as the famous Barack Obama painting that’s in red, white, blue and black.

      • Barefootsie says:

        Oh, I’m sorry I saw this too late! I went with “I SEE you! I HEAR you! You MATTER!” and “Silence is compliance.” I made my mom one hat had a personal statement and also “#I’mWithMeryl.”

        That said, I’m sure there will be more, and a cursory search of the March coverage will show tons of fun ideas for signs. I’m sure there will be more marches where you’ll get a chance to show off your choices!

  4. Ava says:

    Trump is so qualified that he didn’t even hire someone to teach him how to fake his way through constitutional law for the first debate. He’s literally too unqualified to pretend to be qualified.

  5. coskel says:

    Hey “Dating a guy”, give him some time. I had the same thing happen and a year later, I may have found the sexual partner who fits my every kink and fantasy. But yeah the first time was pretty bad and I nearly bailed.

    So glad I didn’t.

  6. Strangely Rational says:

    (Wow this is a huge post, even for me. I put in a TL;DR at the end.)

    When it comes to considering a relationship with someone who has substance abuse, the original trigger is honestly not that relevant. It could be a legitimate prescription for a pain condition. It could be a self-medication scenario for someone with untreated mental illness. It could be peer pressure, or a desire for recreation, or curiosity, etc.

    It doesn’t matter. Whatever road they took to get to addiction, the destination is still the same. Just look at the situation with heroin addiction in our society. An awful lot of those addictions originated with perfectly legitimate prescriptions for pain medications. So I’d be very, very careful about considering an addiction originating from a medical condition to be somehow less worrisome.

    The things that really make a difference in terms of whether a relationship is workable are how willing and able the person is to get out and stay out, and how destructive their behavior is when they’re using (if you’re thinking, “But why does this matter if he’s not using anymore?”, stop right now and move on to someone else because you’re too naive to be with a partner with a history of addiction.)

    Part of how willing and able your partner is to manage their addiction has to do with which drug/s we’re talking about; some are much more addictive or impairing or carry a greater likelihood of relapse than others. There’s a difference between having been addicted to tramadol vs. oxycontin, for example. It also matters how long they were abusing the drug, how often, in what dosage, and what they were willing to do to obtain it.

    You will need to be very educated about addiction and what signs of abuse to watch for. You need to be aware that addiction causes people to become cunning and quite capable of hiding a lot more than you’re able to see. (It’s sort of the same thing as with spiders – if you see one in your house, there are hundreds more that you’re not aware of.)

    You need to be aware that if you are in a relationship with someone who has had issues with pills, you will need to lock up any of your own current or future abusable medication. And I should warn you that unless you’re willing to spend several hundred dollars on a safe, even this is no guarantee. Any person with a serious enough addiction and an internet connection can figure out how to break into almost any standard home safe, even a heavy-duty one with a dial combination lock – trust me, I speak from experience.

    If you have any sort of condition in which prescription pain medication or other abusable medication is critical to your health, do not even consider this relationship. If you’re thinking of ignoring this advice, please at least Google “partner steals my medication” and read through the stories first.

    Am I suggesting that people who have had substance abuse issues aren’t worth the trouble? Not necessarily. My husband is very much worth it to me, but I wouldn’t do it for a guy who was anything less than a near-perfect match otherwise. No matter what, you need to be realistic about what you’re potentially getting yourself into. It’s true that nobody can know for sure whether any partner they’re with will develop an addiction, but we’re looking at a known problem here (and again, I guarantee that you know only a fraction of the real story).

    Talk to people who have had partners with addictions, read articles, etc. If it sounds like too much of a pain in the ass to do all that just to determine if you want to get involved with this guy, you need to write him off, because you’re not going to have the stamina to deal with actually living with it.

    TL;DR – The underlying cause is not that relevant; the question is how well he handles it and how well you’d be able to handle a full-blown relapse. Spare yourself the heartache if he’s not obviously someone special.

    • J Lynn says:

      Wow. That was very informative and I hope the original asker reads it. I lack the experience to evaluate it personally, but this has the ring of truth.

    • Al says:

      Are you an addict or have/had a close relationship with one? Both?

      Thanks for writing this. 100% true. Addiction does weird things. I haven’t done heroin in years, but it’s still a part of me – like an ex lover. It’s fucking deep. If the person you’re entering a relationship with hasn’t examined their bond with whatever drug it is, it will become part of your relationship with them whether they relapse or not.

      • Strangely Rational says:

        Wise words, and glad to hear you were able to get off the heroin! Based on what I’ve heard, that’s one of the hardest things to do.

        I’ve fortunately never had any addiction problems myself, but my husband has struggled with it since he was a teenager. At first it was alcohol primarily, but he wound up on heroin too. He says the same thing, that it just won’t let go of him even though he’s been off it for around 15 years.

        I have to give him a ton of credit for that! Rehab did him no good (as an atheist, he was unable to work with 12-step programs), but he was able to kick the heroin on his own. The alcohol’s been harder, I think because it’s so much easier to come by. He hasn’t actively used for a long time, but he’s had a few slips over the years, including fairly recently when he landed in the hospital with a BAC of 0.34 after drinking a bottle of the only alcohol in the house – a can of Lysol. Usually I’m careful about that – no hand sanitizer or mouthwash with alcohol in the house – but I just wasn’t thinking.

        This has all been self-medication for his PTSD, which is due to extensive childhood abuse. He was undiagnosed for so long that he reached for whatever he could get just to survive and got hooked on everything because he’s so easily addicted to just about anything. So I feel a tremendous amount of compassion for him.

        I wouldn’t be with him if he weren’t willing to fight. He’s been very determined to work in therapy and hasn’t given up. The big problem is that when he got on proper medication, he started treating it the way he was used to treating drugs and abused it at times even though some of it isn’t supposed to be abusable. Popping (or snorting) pills has become an addiction in and of itself, and I’ve gone to great lengths – and failed – to keep them locked away securely.

        I know he can do better though, and he’s a brilliant and sweet guy who’s super compatible with me and deserves a better hand than life has dealt him, so I’m trying to stick it out!

  7. KC says:

    “For instance, and I can’t stress this enough, stop engaging with the fuck-wits. We all know who they are. Ignore them.”

    Fucking exactly. Why does anyone on the internet still argue with morons who are obviously trying to start arguments? You’re wasting your time and gratifying them.

  8. Bets says:

    I honestly keep going back and forth between feeding or not feeding the trolls. I don’t really try to “engage in debate” anymore, though. I wonder what Coquette’s rationale is. What do you guys think?

    • RocketGrunt says:

      She’s mentioned in a few different places over the years that engaging with idiots/trolls just validates their belief that what they have to say is worthy of discourse and has a place in a debate. People angrily spouting stupid nonsense aren’t trying to convince you; they’re trying to validate their stupidity by getting you to take the time to argue with them.

      • Betsy says:

        Ah yes, this makes sense. Reminds me of this Nietzsche quote: “He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.”

        • VeryOn says:

          That is probably my all time favorite quote. You don’t even have to be fighting monsters. You will take on the shape of any situation you observe.

  9. Raven says:

    Since when are all of the boxes “job, house, close with family, no kids”? Pretty sure that is a misguided set of boxes. And missing a couple things.

    • Monochromicorn says:

      Yeah that kinda got me too. Like, I’m a great catch but my relationship with my family is “best possible” and “strong boundaries”. It’s not my fault they’re nuts. I’ve been dinged by potential partners on that one before, so it stings.

    • J Lynn says:

      Also some people who are “close with family” are in codependent relationships that would be a major PITA to a partner/spouse. The whole “mama’s boy” cliche exists for a reason. Close =/= healthy.

    • Strangely Rational says:

      Well, there are only so many boxes you can check in the initial stages of getting to know someone.

      And don’t forget that the list was followed by an “etc.,” which means that the items listed were not “all of the boxes.”

      • Raven says:

        Sadly, the “etc” does not absolve the writer. Based on the criteria listed, the “etc” is more likely to be “has a full head of hair, has a 401k” not “demonstrates integrity, shows curiosity in the world around them, is kind to wait staff.”

        Everyone is free to have their own criteria, but when you prioritize the things a person has over who they are, there’s a higher likelihood of choosing an incompatible partner.

        • WhoAmI says:

          I can totally see why one would rather start a serious relationship with someone who is stable, independent, and doesn’t bring along family you’ll have to take care of but don’t share your genes makeup. Having a very curious, open mind is good but that doesn’t pay the bills nor takes care of the house.

          Also it’s easier to see if they really have the things they say they have than if they are who they show you they are. I guess.

        • Strangely Rational says:

          “demonstrates integrity, shows curiosity in the world around them, is kind to wait staff.”

          But aside from the last one, these aren’t boxes you can check in the initial stages of getting to know someone.

          Those first boxes are just your initial screening. It’s kind of like when you’re deciding what you have to have when you’re buying a house. Let’s say it has to be an old house with at least 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, a 2-car garage, be within 20 miles of work, and under $150K. That doesn’t mean that these are the only important criteria, just that they’re the ones you’re going to be able to check off on the basis of a listing. You’ll obviously visit homes that meet those criteria but fail on other levels, and even when you find one that seems to be just right, you still need to get an inspection to determine if there are any problems that aren’t obvious.

          Hell, it’s not uncommon for someone to wind up choosing something that didn’t quite match their initial criteria because it’s appealing enough in other ways that are more important. For example, I bought a house further away than my required range, with no garage and not even a dishwasher (!). The realtor had told me that she thought I’d like to see it anyway. I was sort of humoring her by going all the way out there, but the second I stepped foot in the house, I was home. It was an intangible quality, the critically important thing you can’t create a box for.

          Anyway, I’m really not sure why you have a problem with the listed criteria. Desiring basic financial stability and responsibility, close family ties, and no children is hardly on the level of judging someone’s hair. We don’t know the history here; maybe this person’s last relationship was with a deadbeat guy who never contributed his share, had frequent arguments with family, and had raging demon spawn. Specifically wanting to avoid that would seem reasonable, wouldn’t it?

          • WhoAmI says:

            Exactly. It’s the kind of criteria you can make one or two exceptions to if you think he’s *the one* nonetheless, too.
            It’s not like she said “myeh I don’t want him if he doesn’t have a RIPPED SIX PACK and isn’t built like a pasty ass swimwear model with a HUGE ASS DONG myeh myeh”

  10. Chris says:

    Something Weird

    My wife texted a photo of her with our girls at the march in Washington, DC today. I posted it. A few hours later I logged on to her account to see what people had to say.

    FB asked if we had tried to log in from Houston, TX. No, we did not, so it asked me to change the password. Thinking the worst, I figure some dipshit tried to log in under my wife’s account and post some toxic message to paint her as some left wing terrorist.

    • Strangely Rational says:

      That would mean it would have to be someone who knew her username, though, right?

      Also, I hope that the FB message about the login didn’t come in the form of an email, because if you clicked a link to log in and change the password, you probably just got phished.

      • VeryOn says:

        Go to and try your emails. It will spit out a list of known hacked sites and show you which sites you should change your password on.

      • Chris says:

        Good news, it was her, and the WiFi antenna her phone was working off of must have just been a TX one.

        There was no web access while there, so no one could FB live or stream in some other way. Today, the ABC footage on YouTube only showed the stage, making it look pretty small.

    • Chloe says:

      Hi, that could be someone attempting to log in to their Facebook account with a similar email address (for example they hit a – not an _ or a . or they misspelt their name) or phone number and if your wife’s account shares similarities with this other person’s log in information and they pressed enter before realising their mistake, this would show up as a notification from Facebook on your side. The use of a dynamic IP address could also result in an occurence of attempted log in from a different location. Depending on your wife’s account settings, she’d receive a notification either from Facebook to her email address or as you logged into their service as though the account was locked (that happened to me when I used their service and registered for login notifications/approvals). If, as you suspect, it was someone with a malicious intent, the only way they would be able to access your wife’s account would be to install a keylogger type program on a device she uses to access Facebook, as they would have to know her email address and password. Which if that was the case, you would assume other services she uses would also be notifying you of attempted log-ins from different locations, too.

  11. Chris says:

    Real info on DC march.

    As my wife passed a National Guardsman, she heard from his radio that the estimate was about 800,000 people.

    That’s the number from HQ to the troops on the ground.

      • Soooooo says:

        Who’s being a halfwit? U r if ur calling Me one because I’m laughing at coke changing the words underneath her title back to the shady bitch one. If u remember, it used to say “embrace the fucking change.” Trump is president and fucking shit up and we all know coke does not endorse embracing these changes. So, that’s why I said, “do not embrace the fucking change,” because coke is urging us all to not embrace the fucking change.

        If u weren’t calling me a halfwit, hey, how u doin.

        • WhoAmI says:

          I come here often enough to have noticed the subtitle change.
          I’m sure Coke still embrace the change, but she removed it from up there so that some of you wouldn’t mistake it for a way to say “Well, that happened. Let’s do nothing about it.”. Because embracing the change means acknoweldging the current situation, but also how it can evolve, for better or worse, and what to do about it.
          (Also mos def didn’t call you a half wit ! That’s why I said don’t be one, if I thought you were one I would have said “you halfwit” or never answered in the first place.)

  12. Mike says:

    We are signing our own death certificate with the firebombings and committee walkouts. We’re doing nothing but emboldening the Trumpets. Come on, people. This is America! If you don’t like the current regime, do something positive! Even our own party will turn against us if this continues. And we’ll witness the Democratic Party sliding into the shadows. My God, I want to scream…but, anyone who’ll hear is out smashing Starbuck’s windows! Are you shitting me?!!

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