I’m 20, I live in L.A and I make a relatively good living selling molly. While it pays off my loans better than any other job that’s available to me, I’d really like to start mapping out where I’d like to go career-wise. How the fuck do I do that? Where do I start?

Pick an industry. Start at the bottom. Hustle your way up. There is no magic, and that’s the only way without connections.

For now, you have the benefit of earning some supplemental income. Sure, it’s illicit, but you might as well take advantage of being able to work at intern level pay in whatever field you choose.

Don’t ever let the molly be anything other than a side gig. I promise, that shit will make you complacent, and suddenly one day you’ll wake up aged out of entry level positions with a stale degree and no marketable skills.

I suppose it should go without saying, but never ever EVER let your two jobs mix. If you can’t live a double life, then quit now. Of course, your goal should be to quit dealing drugs as soon as possible, or eventually you’ll wake up to a drug related felony and then you’re fucked for life.

Good luck.

Dear Coquette,

I recently had an extra piece of gums removed from my mouth. I thought it was no big deal and didn’t worry about it. The biopsy came back, and it turns out it was a low-grade tumor. They removed all of it, I’ll be fine, but it still scares the crap out of me. I’m probably a huge baby for being so freaked out because there’s almost no health risk, but I’m 13 and have never had something like this happen before. Advice? Why am I so scared? 

You’re scared because you’ve caught a glimpse of your own mortality at an early age. It’s not about any actual health risk. It’s about where your mind takes you when you start pondering worst-case scenarios. Sure, you know that one day you’re gonna die, but that’s still an unexplored and fairly abstract concept for someone who’s barely a teenager.

Being smacked in the face with something like this brings into sharp focus the fleeting and fragile nature of the human condition, and getting a little freaked out is perfectly understandable.

Don’t worry. The pangs of anxiety fade rather quickly. In a few months, you won’t even remember what they felt like.

I don’t want kids. I feel like that’s an important thing for guys who are interested in me to know, because if we’re not on the same page about it, there’s no sense in wasting each other’s time, right? It’s pretty much a deal breaker. I’m not going to change my mind, and I’d never expect someone who wants to be a father to give that up for me.

The problem, when it comes to dating, is when the hell do I bring this up? If I mention it too soon, that’s just awkward, but if I leave it for too long, things could get really messy. Any advice on when (and how) to broach this topic would be greatly appreciated.

Ugh. I hate when people say, “there’s no sense in wasting each other’s time” when it comes to dating. You’re treating it like some sport with a big countdown clock, as if you’ll end up with a higher score the sooner you couple off with a dude you can tolerate. Don’t be so goal-oriented with your romantic life. If someone is a good person, getting to know him is never a waste of time.

Besides, these kinds of topics come up naturally in the course of figuring each other out, and it doesn’t matter all that much when you bring it up. What matters is that you’re both emotionally honest enough to act accordingly if there’s a legitimate deal breaker on the table.

I’m tired of defeating myself. I just want to give in and take a pill and hope that colors become a little brighter. But I don’t want to lose a part of myself in the process. Do you think that anti-whatever pills are OK?

Psychopharmaceuticals aren’t magic beans. They won’t make the world a better place, nor will they steal your soul. They just modify your brain chemistry a bit, the result of which many find to be a benefit. If the pills work for you, great. If not, no big deal, and it doesn’t matter whether anyone else thinks they’re OK. It only matters what you think.

I cheated, but I don’t feel guilty. I really like the guy I’m with and I wasn’t looking for something more or different than what I already have. I’m not sure why I did it, but I feel like I probably will again. Is there something wrong with me? It seems everyone else is so sure cheating is wrong. I understand in theory, but I wouldn’t be upset if my guy messed around with someone else, so I guess I just don’t get what the big deal is. Help?

You’re so full of shit.

You cheated because it felt good, you’ll do it again because you have no impulse control, and you don’t feel guilty because you have sociopathic tendencies.

If you don’t care whether your guy messes around with someone else, that’s fine, but this isn’t about the sex. It’s about the lie. Would you be cool with it if your guy repeatedly and maliciously lied to you? Didn’t think so.

Feel free to be in an open relationship, but you have to establish that before fucking other people. Have some fucking integrity.

You were my spirit guide through my first psychedelic trip. Totally understand one love and universal consciousness now, just in time to start college. The fractals wanted me to tell you we’re safe from the alligators, but I had a feeling you already knew.

Meow meow.

“Post-feminism” is a bit of a misnomer that can be misleading. “Third-wave feminism” is a more inclusive movement, but who knows how history will understand us years from now.

That being said, I think one of the biggest mistakes lay critics of feminism make is thinking that we’re all on the same page.

Yeah, well. I think one of the biggest mistakes college students make is thinking that history will give a flying fuck about the reductive labels they slather all over their -isms.

Dear Coquette,

I’m tired of arguing with people on Rick Scott’s stupid decision to require drug testing for welfare in Florida. Can you give me a quick one-liner to help shut up some of these pointy-headed numnards? They don’t seem to get that it’s going to cost the government MORE money in clean-up if they do this, not less.

One-liners don’t change minds, and if all you want to do is shut up pointy-headed numnards, it’s probably better not to talk to them in the first place.

Life is too short to argue politics with idiots. That’s a bad habit, my friend, one you should quit. Don’t let stupidity (or Floridians) affect your blood pressure, or you’ll be sure to die an early death.

I had a biopsy to see if a lump inside one of my breasts continues to be benign. I told my boyfriend I had a rough day and wanted his support but didn’t tell him why. His response was that he was unavailable — he had a rough day at work and already made plans to meet up with a friend. He asked what was wrong. I told him but downplayed it. He responded with a few kind words. This was all done via text. (He’s not much of a phone person.) I then proceeded to get mad at him for not being there for me, but then again, I should have been more clear about the type of support I needed instead of making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. My question is the following: I’m still slightly upset with the way he handled the situation, but then again, I didn’t do such a great job either. Also, we’ve only been dating for about three months, and I believe it might have been too early in the game to request this kind of support and reassurance from him. I’m thinking of just brushing this fight off and blaming it on my period, but I would still like to read your thoughts on this.

I think you’re a manipulative little twit who likes to test her boyfriend out of a shallow need for attention. You didn’t really need support from him. By downplaying and holding back information instead of being up front about your feelings, you were able to squeeze a few more hours of self-pity out of the afternoon.

You deliberately set your boyfriend up to fail, and that’s not being emotionally honest. Deep down, you know this. That’s why you wrote to me. You wanted justification for this kind of behavior, but I’m not gonna give it to you.

While we’re at it, don’t blame stuff like this on your period. That’s not cool. Take responsibility for your actions and have some integrity.

Should I break my back for a career in a field as competitive as broadcasting, or instead study some white-bread major that’s more likely to land me a secure job?

Job security is a myth, traditional broadcasting is dying a slow death, and no one cares what your major is.