Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

I’m going to Italy, do you want anything while I’m out?
Sure, I’ll take a Maserati GranTurismo Convertible, please.

Any advice for a 14 year old girl?
Read books. Ignore all of the magazines. Cultivate your own style. Develop informed opinions about world events. Pick smart boys, and whatever you do, don’t get pregnant. Smile more often. Love yourself.

I started stripping three weeks ago. Should I pay taxes?
Fuck yes. Don’t ever give the IRS a reason to look at you. Also, be a fucking grown-up. Treat your shit like a business. Track your expenses. Stage fees, outfits, hair, nails, tanning, all of it — write off everything.

how do you suck a dick?
With enthusiasm.

You are personally responsible for how much I love oral sex (both giving and receiving). Thank you. So much.
See what a little enthusiasm can do?

I feel I am experiencing an existential crises of sorts. Nihilism has worked it’s way into my thought processes and any conscious effort I make to counteract the inherent negativity gets me nowhere. Help.
Your shitty attitude is the problem, not nihilism. So what if life is meaningless? Quit being all butthurt about it and have some fun.

Does it matter who started it?
Nothing matters.

Does the size of a guy’s penis matter?
Yes.

You contradict yourself so often in your writing. Its actually hilarious to read some of your articles and see what a self righteous cunt you are. That being said it is hard to stop reading your articles. Well done?
Thank you.

How the fuck do I get my family to stop calling Western people slutty whores? I’m 13 (young, yes, but very wise) and apparently, because I’m female and a “little kid”, I’m not allowed opinions.
Don’t bother changing your family, sweetheart. Just grow up to be a slutty whore with lots of opinions.

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Advice

On creepy shit.

If homosexuality cannot be changed, then what do you recommend for other sexual orientations like pedophiles and such? I am not saying homosexuality is as bad as pedophilia, it is just a sexual orientation as is hetero. But if it cannot be changed then do you recommend people with destructive sexual orientations to just live a life of celibacy, self hate and put on a show for everyone else?

Ugh, you’re so fucking creepy. Pedophilia isn’t a sexual orientation. It’s a disorder of sexual preference. You’re just too stupid to understand the difference.

As for what I recommend, if you’re driven by a sexual impulse to harm children, skip the life of celibacy and self-hate and just kill yourself.

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Advice

On the young and the lonely.

Dear Coquette,

How would you suggest dealing with loneliness?

After graduation, I moved away from my family and where I grew up in Oklahoma to New Haven, Connecticut for work. My job is an amazing opportunity, the likes of which was not available to me back home. Work requires me to put in a lot of hours, which of course, does not leave much free time for socializing.

It has been about a year and a half since I moved, and I don’t have any friends here. I have taken a few classes at the local community art school and I regularly attend Pilates classes in an effort to meet people.

I am afraid that I am not a very open person; it is difficult for me to approach someone. I would like to overcome this. Even though I am friendly with people, I am not sure how to move beyond that to really make a friend.

Art and Pilates classes are fine, but they’re also introspective and singular pursuits. They don’t really offer anything more than cursory social interaction, and it’s pretty easy to end up lonely in a room full of people with a similar interest.

What you need is a team  either a team sport or a team-based volunteer group  an activity that builds interpersonal relationships. Most importantly, you want something where you and the gang all go out for drinks afterward.

Come on, you’re only a year and a half out of college, and you live in a college town. There’s all kinds of fun, social stuff you can do. Instead of art classes, join the Junior League of Greater New Haven and do some volunteering. If you work at Yale, you can participate in grad-pro intramural sports instead of Pilates.

The key here is that the activities you choose should naturally lend themselves to extended social interaction. It’s not about meeting people. It’s about finding settings that are interactive, casual and routine where you can spend the kind of time with people that it takes to get to know them.

Also, you shouldn’t overthink this. Making new friends isn’t something you need to have in the forefront of your mind once you’re a part of a group. Friendships happen spontaneously, and building them isn’t something you can plan. You can only plan to put yourself in situations where it’s likely to happen.

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Advice

On the seven year itch.

Dear Coquette,

I’m 37 and feel like I’m married to the wrong man. He’s a great provider and loves me unconditionally. We don’t have kids yet, but he wants to. Should I risk leaving him to try to find “the one” even though I’m no spring chicken?

You’re 37? Jesus, lady. Put down that Chardonnay-stained copy of “Eat, Pray, Love” and back away slowly because that nonsense has you talking like a doe-eyed teenager.

I’m sorry that you don’t wake up every morning blissed out with a raging ladyboner for your husband, but that doesn’t mean you’re married to the wrong man, and it sure as hell doesn’t imply the existence of the right man.

It’s sad to see a woman your age still suffering from the delusion that there is such a thing as “the one.” Get that Prince Charming crap out of your head. There are just a bunch of men out there, any number of whom could be perfectly compatible life partners for you. Sure, there’s a slim chance you could meet someone you think is better and, over time, build a more intimate connection with him than your current husband. Probably not, though. You don’t strike me as the type with realistic expectations of the men who are available to romantically unfulfilled 37-year-old divorcées. 

The real problem here is that you’ve got a nasty little case of the seven-year itch, and you’re trying to scratch it Oprah’s Book Club style. All that suburban housewife ennui is combining with your massive sense of entitlement, and before you know it you’ll have an ex-husband paying spousal support so you can go on some scented-candle journey of self-discovery. Ugh.

I wish we could just skip to the part where you get a little taste of enlightenment, but you’re still seeking contentment in the silly fiction of a perfect mate, in spite of the fact that you’ve already said your vows to a great provider who loves you unconditionally.

Sorry, lady. Your husband isn’t the problem. You are. As long as you’re of the belief that someone else can be the source of your happiness, you’re doomed to wallow in this minor state of existential crisis.

There’s no chance of you finding what you’re looking for if you keep looking outside yourself. Leave your husband. Don’t leave him. Whatever. In the end, just take some personal responsibility for both your actions and your own happiness.

Good luck finding a clue.

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Advice

On artists and drama queens

Dear Coquette,

We fight all the time. We’re both artists, we both get dark, we battle demons, sometimes they’re each other.

Being artists also means we have a lot of the same friends, so I don’t really have anyone to talk with this about. If I did, it would totally cross some lines and involve people we know, half-professionally.

L.A.’s a beast. I haven’t been here long, we might have to separate, and I don’t know what I’m going to do, where to go, how we stay together for a month while I find enough work to put down a deposit.

How can I empower myself to change and be more calm and collected? How can I settle the score with my demons and send some of them on their way? I am at such a loss. Sometimes I think I’d be better off single, alone, so I can’t hurt anyone, but I’m super-addicted to seduction and loving, too.

How can I let go of the darkness and anger? How can I control my emotions so that we can do business together no matter what happens to our relationship? Indeed, how can I control my emotions so that our relationship can succeed without sacrificing my own ideas?

First of all, quit referring to yourself as an artist. Only douchebags and people who work at Subway do that. It’s fine if you paint, write, sing or dance, but please refer to yourself as a painter, writer, singer or dancer.

Secondly, quit taking yourself so damned seriously. You do not have demons. You are not addicted to seduction. You’re just a crazy bitch like the rest of us, and if you’re addicted to anything here, it’s your own ego.

Finally, if you want to let go of darkness and anger, just let it go. Yeah, it really is that easy. I know, you don’t believe me. That’s because you’re a little drama queen and you thrive on manufactured chaos. Quit doing that. It doesn’t make you more interesting. It doesn’t improve the quality of your art. All it does is create a swirling mess of artificial problems that distract you from getting actual work done.

All that darkness and anger is just your ego in a self-reinforcing vicious cycle of petty nonsense. It doesn’t have to be that way. Imagine your life with a little impulse control. Imagine being able to process negative emotions without your head exploding. Imagine being able to laugh at yourself.

When you recognize that the chaos in your life is a product of your own ego, all that’s left for you to do is be done with it in a flurry of smirking forgiveness. Forgive yourself for being such a pretentious twit. Forgive your boyfriend for being an enormous douchebag. Forgive L.A. and everyone you’ve met here for their multitude of sins. You can even forgive your demons for never having existed in the first place.

Don’t spend another minute wallowing in all that negativity, not one damn minute. If it means the end of your relationship, so be it. If it means you’ll be struggling on your own in the big city, so be it. Once you’ve jettisoned your ego, you’ll be amazed at how easy it is to enjoy your life, even the struggle, and yes, even in L.A.

Good luck not taking any of this seriously.

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Advice

On nothing stopping you.

About a year ago, I met a guy and immediately felt a connection and promptly began dating him. He was absolutely perfect for me and I was smitten. We’re still together today.

Recently, however, I’ve found that I’ve evolved into a completely different person over the past 12 months and he’s still the man I met a year ago. Our conversations bore me to tears and we no longer share many interests. I just don’t need him in my life anymore and I want to end things.

But two things are stopping me.

1. He’s emotionally fragile and I’m not sure I can handle hurting him.

2. The sex is fantastic.

What should I do?

Ugh. You’re not a completely different person than the one you were twelve months ago. You’re just fickle, and it took you a year to get bored.

Here’s what you should do:

1. Either break up with him or shut the fuck up.

2. Get over yourself.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

why do you like drummers?
They know how to fuck.

How can I stop defining myself by who I’m dating and instead find self worth through my career?
You’re wrong twice, babe.

i wish there was a like button for your posts. some of them are pure genius.
You see the little star at the end of every post with the words SHARE THIS next to it? Click that shit.

Journalism major and English minor or English major and Journalism minor? I’m aspiring to be a Journalist. Which would be more beneficial?
It doesn’t matter. No one will ever give a fuck about your major. Go with whichever department has a better reputation, and just be an excellent writer.

How do I suggest Viagra to my husband without crushing his ego?
Lady, if he still wanted to fuck you, you wouldn’t have to suggest it.

The Rapture is tomorrow! So they say. In honor of the event: What’s your favorite sin?
Blasphemy every day of the week and apostasy on Sundays.

when should you start fucking someone else after a relationship ends?
Whenever you want, but remember, a break-up isn’t the same thing as the end of a relationship.

i want to get a tattoo on my inner lip. i was thinking of the word ‘vice’ or ‘wonderlust’ … help a bitch out and give me something ballsy & badass.
Wonderlust? Ugh. If you’re gonna do something that stupid, at least be funny. Get “Slot B” tattooed on your inner lip, and then go around offering blowjobs to any guy with “Tab A” tattooed on his dick.

Your feelings on anal? The man-friend is asking for it, and I’m open to it, just not sure what to expect.
Expect a cock up your ass.

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On intimacy and letting go

Dear Coquette,

I’m a 25-year-old female in my first serious sexual relationship, after a “Welcome to Sex!” phase of one-night stands during which I hated myself, men and bodies. Since then I’ve learned to like what I’m able to share with him, and I “get it” a whole lot more, but now I’m stagnating and in danger of reviving old patterns. I’m so nostalgic for the enormous amounts of time and attention I used to give to myself that I fail to see how sex makes up for it. If I could learn to really love, love, love sex it would make my life so much easier … How do I prove to myself once and for all that closeness is not time wasted, and that vulnerability is not, necessarily, stress? Because most days I would almost rather masturbate.

Babe, sex or no sex, most days I do masturbate. I hope you don’t think getting off is a one-or-the-other type situation. More importantly, sex isn’t supposed to make up for the attention you give yourself. It’s not a zero-sum game. There doesn’t have to be a conflict between pleasuring yourself and the pleasure you get from your intimate relationship.

Intimacy is never time wasted, but intimacy isn’t about orgasms. Hell, intimacy doesn’t even have to mean sex. As for vulnerability, well, if you equate it with stress, it’s because you aren’t quite capable of detaching vulnerability from anxiety. In other words, you don’t know what its like to really let go.

That’s okay. In fact, it’s not the least bit surprising, considering your body issues and foregrounded self-consciousness. Letting go is what you need to work on, and the best way to do that boils down to what is essentially a series of emotional trust exercises in the bedroom.

It’s time you got a little creative with your closeness. All that time and attention you used to give yourself? Do it with your boyfriend. Invite and incorporate him along for what you used to do by yourself. Bring him with you.

There are no rules to this. No right or wrong way. This isn’t a goal-oriented endeavor. The whole point is just to share yourself physically, honestly and completely. 

No, I’m not kidding, and no, that’s not impossible.

Just let go. Whenever you get all up in your head during sex, I want you to remember those three little words. Say ’em with me now. Just let go.

Will it be scary at first? Sure, but the good kind. Replace the knot in your stomach with butterflies by being present in the moment and trusting that your boyfriend just wants you to be satisfied. I think you’ll be surprised at how open he is to everything.

Of course, you should also talk to him about this. Tell him what you told me. For the sake of his male ego, be sure to let him know that the stagnation you’re feeling isn’t about his performance, but about your own sexual anxiety.

Again, this isn’t about anything that either of you are doing right or wrong in the bedroom. It’s about opening up to your boyfriend and sharing all the stuff in your head. That’s an act of intimacy in and of itself.

If you’re emotionally honest with him, your vulnerability will separate from your anxiety, and you’ll finally make the transition from your “Welcome to Sex!” phase into the infinitely better phase of truly enjoying it.

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On long-winded ignorance.

Your recent advice given to the young man that expressed a sexual proclivity toward both men and women was just plain terrible. It was actually difficult to read. When you referenced the “bible banging bigots” didn’t it occur to you that your were being bigoted when you wrote it? Seriously?! I guess in the world you occupy where there are no such things as moral absolutes it doesn’t matter does it. It all comes down to what makes each individual feel good. We are all fortunate that it isn’t yet societally acceptable to masterbate at the grocery store check out line. The irony there is that it’s a simple thin veil of will that makes it so. How far down the “if it feels good do it” road will we go?

I don’t believe that there are any differences between homosexuality, bisexuality or beastiality. They are sexual decisions. As it happens rape, incest and child pornography are also sexual decisions. Now I know in our ever so enlightened age of information that no self respecting “post-modernist” would ever concede to these assertions. I am aware of the school of thought that precludes that homosexual behavior is genetic and not a decision. Nonsense. It’s as much a choice as deciding to become a Goth kid instead of a Band kid. People gravitate towards what they want to identify with when there is freedom to do so. Even if it is uncomfortable in many ways. The fact that homosexual people are uncomfortable with who they are is not an argument for genetic predisposition. It’s an argument for humanity. No one is excluded from being uncomfortable at some point in life.

What the young man needed to hear from you was that if he isn’t comforted with the decisions he’s making than maybe they aren’t the right decisions! Your advice amounted to this “your family is evil, now go have sex with a boy”. Fail.

In any case, hopefully one day when you are at the end of yourself, and you have no one to reach out to, one of those bible banging bigots will be there to help you out.

Ugh, I hope not. When it’s my time to check out, I certainly don’t want any help from a guy who doesn’t believe there’s a difference between fucking a horse and fucking his sister.

Seriously, dude. I get that you’re attempting a crude argument for a moralistic version of sexual self-determinism, but you’re not winning any points by telling everyone how much you secretly wish you could jerk off at the Piggly Wiggly.

We’re all very grateful for your willpower, but you’re still coming off as super creepy and painfully ignorant to anyone with an ounce of compassion and half a clue about human nature.

Not that I don’t appreciate getting long letters from folks like you. I genuinely do. It means you’ve spent several hours misdirecting your confusion and rage at me rather than bullying gay teenagers.

Please, keep sending your insane shit my way. That’s time well spent in my book.

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On discovering your bisexuality.

Dear Coquette,

I just wanted to let this out. I was born and raised in a conservative Christian home. I attend a Christian school and most people here aren’t very open to any idea crossing a rigid gender binary.

I’m waist deep in sociology classes, and it has recently come to my attention that sexuality is fluid. Wow! Ok — some guys like guys AND girls. That explains me! But, Coquette, that’s scaring me to my inner core and I don’t know why. I thought I was the person who was open to freedom, I thought I was a brave person. But now I’m just staring at the wall feeling disgusted and defeated with it all.

I’m confused as to why I’m craving any sort of label. I also haven’t a clue why I’m judging myself ruthlessly. My mother is a homophobe and my brother uses the word fag as an adjective. To be honest my sexuality scares me, a lot. I don’t know what to do or when to do it. Should I ever act on these feelings? Considering I’d be judged ruthlessly and probably disowned by my family, I don’t want to be labeled either, and in reality, bisexuality is just another term for slut or whore, and if you’re a guy who likes both you’re just gay. I don’t want a label and I don’t want to deal with the overwhelming bigotry that WILL come on this college campus. I mean, it’s a common occurrence for those braver than me. I feel like such a hypocrite. Where do I start and how do I change?

Take a deep breath and relax. You’re fine, kiddo. You’re neither a hypocrite nor a fake, and there’s nothing wrong with being scared and confused about your sexuality. That kind of thing is perfectly normal regardless of your orientation, and there’s nothing about yourself that you need to change.

Quite frankly, the only thing that needs to change is your community’s ignorant belief system. It sucks that you’re surrounded by a bunch of Bible-banging bigots. They’re the ones who are wrong, not you.

They’re wrong to suggest that bisexuality has any relationship to promiscuity. They’re wrong to apply a double standard to bisexual men. They’re wrong to judge you for your sexual orientation. They’re wrong to label you in the first place. They’re all just plain wrong.

Of course, that doesn’t make it any easier for you to be right. You’re still faced with the tough decision about how to express your sexual identity, and you’re the only one who can do that. It’s entirely up to you how and with whom you choose to express your sexuality, and quite frankly, it’s no one else’s damn business but your own.

You’re not obligated to come out to your family or label yourself in any way. Still, you have to remain principled. You’re not a hypocrite for keeping your sexuality private, but you can’t remain passive to ignorance and bigotry despite knowing it’s wrong. It’s a fine line that you’ll have to walk for as long as you choose to be a part of this backward-thinking community.

Take your time with this process. Dig deep and don’t be afraid to discover yourself. You’re on a journey of self-exploration, and it’s one of the most important things you’ll take away from your college experience.

Good luck.

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