Advice

On biological fatherlessness

While you’re on the subject of fatherlessness…

I woke up from a dream today clear that I had a question for you. The details of the dream are, I suspect, unimportant, but the image that lingers is of me finding an old box that I kept under my bed as a kid. Inside was this tiny wallet-sized photo of my biological father. It was the one my mom gave me when I was about 6, and instructed me to hide from the only person I ever knew as my dad. It’s not like the whole situation was a secret, but the dad I grew up with has a fragile ego, the type of an addict, the type even a six year old can perceive.

So in this dream, there’s the portrait, just like I remember, and then facing it there’s another picture; one I haven’t seen before.  The guy from the portrait is holding the baby version of me above him, smiling, our noses almost touching. That saccharine quality was enough to make me gag a little upon waking.

I found him on Facebook recently–my biological father. The internet is a funny place where a swift mouse click is the only thing separating you from communicating with a person you don’t know but to who you are innately and permanently connected.

He’s there. Along with his wife. I have a half-brother. A half-sister.

There’s the grown up in me that doesn’t want to fuck with something that isn’t broken. My life is pretty damn good. It seems his is, too. There are plenty of people who care about me deeply, and I still have the dad I grew up with (and I’m still afraid of hurting his feelings). But then there’s this little bratty child in me who wants to kick and scream and demand that this person acknowledge my existence.

What do I do?

Find a private moment when you have a clear mind and an open heart. Sit down and write your biological father a letter. No other direction than that. Just sit and write. See what comes out. Find out what you have to say to him.

Get it out on the page, and then let it sit for a while. Walk away from it. Come back a week or a month later and revisit it. Check how you feel against how you felt. Write more if you need.

Over time, use what you learn about your emotions to inform your decision about how to proceed. Process as much as you can before taking any action.

Life is long, sweetheart. Whether it’s a year from now or a decade, I have no doubt you’ll eventually make some sort of contact with your biological father.

Know yourself as much as possible before you do.

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Best-Of Advice

On widows and the fatherless

I love the song “For the Widows In Paradise, for the Fatherless In Ypsilanti.” Sufjan Stevens is incredibly talented, but so many people interpret that song as religious. What’s your interpretation of it?

People see Jesus in everything from Sufjan Stevens to a slice of toast. That’s not gonna stop me from enjoying beautiful music or an egg salad sandwich.

Honestly, whether I’m gazing into Sufjan’s lyrics or a slice of burnt Wonder Bread, I’m happy to acknowledge that there’s a vague resemblance to what everybody thinks Jesus looks like, but in both cases, that’s more a reflection of their own childlike simplicity.

Yes, the song is openly Christian in its references, but anyone who’s not desperate to validate their faith can appreciate multiple layers of meaning and think critically about Sufjan’s words.

For instance, there are quite a few old testament references to widows and the fatherless. Most of them are when god is threatening not only to kill you, but also make your family suffer. (Because anybody who reads the old testament knows that god is basically an angry and jealous mafia boss.)

Still, the general theme throughout is that during the bronze age patriarchy, widows and the fatherless are considered the dregs of society. Nobody wants to bother with a dead man’s wife and kids.

Interestingly, there is only one mention of widows and the fatherless in the new testament, at the end of the Book of James:

“If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain. Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.”

Take a minute and read that again. Let that shit soak in.

It’s saying that if you’re acting religious or preaching religion, you’re missing the point. Instead, you should be quietly looking after the fatherless and widows in their time of need without seeking any recognition for it.

It’s one of the few places in the entire bible where you’ll find a tight passage of scripture that unequivocally says, “ignore all this other ridiculous bullshit and just be a good person when nobody is looking.”

Don’t think for one second that the song’s title is a coincidence. As a matter of poetry, Sufjan couldn’t be more clearly indicating that he understands that the purest form of religion is altruism, and of course, that’s what the song is all about. Altruism.

Of course, the song is poetry written in the first person and uses semiotically charged words such as father, son, and preacher, so if you’re looking for Jesus in the toast, he’s very easy to find.

Those who identify the first person voice of the song to be Jesus aren’t exactly wrong, but they’re also missing the point. It could be Jesus, but it could just as well be anybody.

He’s singing about a certain kind of selfless, altruistic enlightenment that anyone is capable of achieving, because quite frankly, Sufjan’s sophistication isn’t outweighed by his Christianity. (Seriously, don’t even get me started on his deliberately vague and poetic usage of the homophones “morning” and “mourning.” That shit is painfully beautiful.)

Those who need a savior aren’t quite ready to accept that the the song is just as much about them as it is Jesus, and that’s fine. The nature of poetry is that it’s open to interpretation.

Of course, the nature of good poetry is that when you’re ready to see them, new layers of the poem are revealed as you add new layers to yourself.

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Advice

On going out with a bang

I’ve been dating this guy for the last week, but right now I’m just not emotionally available. I feel like I should break things off, but I wanna have sex with him first. Is that a really dick thing to do? I feel like it is… Should I do it anyway?

Shit, it’s only been a week. Just be honest. Make plans to see him one more time. Look him in the eye and say, “I’m not emotionally available right now and I don’t think I can keep seeing you, but I’d really like to have sex with you tonight.”

It’s a win-win. Not only are you shooting him straight, but I guarantee he’ll bring his hair-pulling, ass-smacking A game just to see if he can change your mind.

At the end of the night, just give him a kiss goodbye.

Good times.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice.

What’s a good theme for a winter formal dance?
Porn!

I feel like watching movies with you would be the best experience ever.
Porn?

Would you please give me some tips on how to survive the holidays?
Porn. (And egg nog.)

England or Scotland? Seriously, it’s like Wales doesn’t even exist. Poor us.
You’ve got those two hot Princes though, right? (Come on, that was funny.)

You only answer the questions I ask when I’ve been drinking heavily.  Do you think this is some sort of alcohol-induced cosmic connection?
Odds are, we’re both pretty loosened up.

How old were you when you first got your hands on Ayn Rand?
About the same age as when I first got my hands on Judy Blume.

What do you feel you are personally not qualified to comment on or give advice about?
Qualified by whom? Last time I checked there was no board certification for talking shit on the internet.

Is La Perla your preferred lingerie provider? Any other suggestions?
I tend to get La Perla as a gift, which is great, but when I’m buying for myself, I pretty much always go with Agent Provocateur.

You say the blame in things going wrong is 50/50 and can be worked out if we just talked. They scream ‘fuck you’ and yell it’s all your fault. At that point can you just walk away?
Not if you’re under arrest. Otherwise, it’s your call.

Do you owe your close friends the duty of telling them that the guy they are dating is a bratty man child? Or do you allow them to make their own choices?
You owe your close friends the duty of not being a cunt. Good luck.

What constitutes a lie? If someone were to keep something from someone else, a secret that the other person probably should know, is that lying?
Omitting truth isn’t lying, but it’s still a willful act. It’s deception. Act accordingly.

I currently like a guy, but we’re both too shy to do anything about it. Are we doomed to just being friends?
Invite him over for movie night. Watch Paper Heart. It’s all about love and being doomed by shyness. It’s also incredibly boring, so after the first twenty minutes I suggest you go down on him.

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Advice

On adderall.

Have you ever taken adderall? Is it similar to cocaine?

Adderall is amphetamine. It’s the socially acceptable, doctor approved version of speed, so chemically, it’s more like meth than blow.

It’s a favorite of hipsters with health insurance and tweaked out college kids, pretty much anybody with ADHD and a reason to stay up all night.

Oh, and here’s a friendly tip. If you aren’t capable of doing your own research for shit this basic, you should probably steer clear of habit forming substances.

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Advice

On not being pretty

I’m not pretty. It’s cool. Not everyone can be pretty. However, I don’t date a lot because well… I’m not pretty and I live in a college town where there are a lot of pretty girls. One of my guy friends keeps insisting I tell him why I don’t date (he has a girlfriend, he’s not trying to date me). How do I explain without sounding like I have super low self-esteem?

I don’t accept your implied premise that being pretty is a prerequisite for dating, nor do I accept your excuse that you don’t date a lot because you’re not pretty. Come on, bitch. You’re in college. Surely you know that correlation does not imply causation.

It doesn’t matter if you’re uglier than mormon sex, if you really wanted to be on a date right now, you could make that shit happen. This isn’t about your looks or your self-esteem. It’s about your priorities, and to some degree, it’s about your standards.

That’s not criticism, by the way. I’ve got no doubt that your priorities and standards are well adjusted. I’m just saying if you want to explain it to your guy friend, frame it in those terms.

In other words, you can tell him that you’ve got high standards, and dating just isn’t that high a priority for you right now. That’s the high self-esteem excuse you’re looking for.

Also, who the fuck is this guy that you owe him answers to personal questions in the first place? Friend or not, that shit isn’t any of his goddamned business, and you should feel free to tell him so.

Oh, and one more thing. You may not be a carbon copy of the local beauty standards, but that doesn’t mean you’re not pretty. You don’t know it, but I guarantee, every day you’re surrounded by people who think you’re hot.

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Advice

On its own reward.

A while ago you said you don’t “reward musicians with your pussy”. A recent piece of ‘fun-sized-advice’ suggests you would be willing to reward Assange with it. How do you reconcile this? Through the uniquely powerful position JA has come to inhabit, or through attraction alone?

I reconcile this by you missing the fucking point.

It wasn’t musicians, by the way. It was artists, and it’s true, my instinct isn’t to reward them with my pussy. That’s because it’s not a reward. My pussy’s not for them. It’s for me. I fuck who I wanna fuck because I wanna fuck them.

What assholes like you never quite seem to grasp is that neither you nor anyone else has the authority to turn my pussy into a commodity. Only I get to do that, if and when I so choose, and believe me, if I ever decided to put a value on it, somebody would be calculating mortgage payments. I know better than to treat my shit like it’s a gold star or a Gap gift card.

Assange is Bond-villain sexy. He’s brilliant, he’s got that deep voice with the accent, and he wears the shit out of a suit. I can just tell sex with him would be kinky and athletic. Still, my instinct would never be to reward him with my pussy.

I know you’re probably not used to women who captain their own sexuality, but fucking him would be its own reward. My reward.

I hope you see the distinction.

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Advice

On wikileaks.

So you support Assange? I’m no Republican, but America is the only country in the world that would put up with this. Anywhere else, they’d put a bullet in the back of his head. And they should.

A bullet in the back of his head? Fuck you. Assange is at the vanguard of a new form of revolution where all the bullets in the world won’t mean shit.

Maybe you’re too shortsighted to recognize the magnitude of this controversy, but what we’re witnessing cuts to the core of the American experiment. They said the revolution wouldn’t be televised, and they were right. That shit’s gonna be downloaded.

Everyone is screaming about whether WikiLeaks deserves First Amendment protection. Fuck that argument. I say it deserves Second Amendment protection, because in this day and age, the right of the people to keep and bear arms depends on what you’re calling a weapon.

Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter whether I support Assange. Mine and everyone else’s opinion of him is immaterial. That’s the point. WikiLeaks is an important and dangerous societal tool that can’t be unmachined. It’s out there, and it’s bigger than any one man.

Besides, the state knows better than to make a martyr out of Assange when it can just destroy his reputation.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized fun sized advice

I’ve always been fairly “square” but I’m getting into my prescription drugs. Not abusing them…just using them a little more than I need. Am I on the highway to hell or stairway to heaven?
You’re on the escalator to hyperbole.

Espresso or cappuccino or tea? In other words, what’s in the fucking mug?
Purple drank!

Your opinion of Mark Kostabi as a person, artist, and businessman?
Kostabi is the Kat Stacks of the art world.

Did you really compare yourself to Andy Warhol?
I dunno, did I really compare Britney Spears to Marilyn Monroe?

Is the American political system broken?
On behalf of whom?

Do you believe it is okay for someone who does philanthropic work (such as physically giving back to the community in some way) to be self-righteous?
Um, are you asking my permission to act like an asshole for doing a little charity work?

Do you feel that making life decisions that aren’t necessarily the best for you but best for your relationship can ever be justified?
Sure, all day long. It’s called codependency. Have fun!

Why do you think most people are so against ‘open relationships’?
They find it threatening to what is ultimately a false sense of security.

Do you think anyone can ever be fully self-aware?
Not without dropping the self part.

Why is the grass always greener?
Because you cast a shadow.

USC or UCLA?
Well, do you want to spend four years in Downtown LA or Westwood? Everything else is just window dressing.

He dropped me like a New Year’s resolution. Unfortunately, he was my bad habit. Any advice? 
New Year’s is coming up, and bad habits are easy to find. Fuck it.

Your fun sized advice is no longer fun sized.
Was that better, bitch?

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