no, i’m not wearing purple on wednesday.

the day i’m asked to wear a color for straight people, is the same day i’ll wear a color for gay people. if gay people want to be treated as equals, they need to realize that being an equal doesn’t mean having a day devoted to yourselves. that’s automatically trying to put yourselves above everyone. i don’t feel like i’m any better than a gay person, and i don’t feel a gay person is any better than me.

* and i know that i’m going to get bitched at about the “it’s about 3 gay students committing suicide”. GUESS THE FUCK WHAT. people get bullied about who they are every single day. people commit suicide over that type of thing a lot. so being bullied for being gay makes your suicide more important than someone that gets bullied for being overweight/nerdy/different? i’m sorry, but it doesn’t.

I’m really glad you took the time to write me this letter, because you needed to get some of that anger out. I completely understand why you feel that kind of resentment towards a day like today.

From your point of view, the gay kids have separated themselves out from the other kids who suffer from bullying. More than that. They’ve elevated themselves to martyrs, and fuck it. Nobody likes a martyr.

From your point of view, a day like this makes the kind of horrible shit you’ve had to endure somehow less worthy of condemnation merely because you’re heterosexual.

From your point of view, you’ve yet again been excluded.

I’m not going to attack the merits of your argument. It’s really not worth my time to instruct you on how badly you’re missing the point when it comes to concepts like sexual identity or equality. This is an emotional issue for you, and so I’ll put it as simply as I can.

This color is for you too.

Shit, kid. The gays may have picked the color of the flag, but you get to be the one who picks the spirit in which that flag is raised. Don’t make today about gay versus straight. Today is about kindness versus cruelty. Today is about enlightenment versus ignorance. Today is about love versus pain.

Sexual identity may be tied up in the politics of it all, but I assure you when it comes down to it, today is a uniquely personal experience about processing the very kinds of emotional pain that caused you to write me in the first place.

We’ve all felt it. Every last one of us.

The source of that pain, whatever it is for you, is the reason you should go find something purple to wear right now.

Did the background just change or are the drugs I’m on really spectacular?

Both, I hope.

I’m purple today. Here, and over at the blog. It’s in support of Spirit Day.

Normally, I’m not one for cause colors and raising awareness bullshit.  You won’t catch me wearing a pink ribbon or opting for the pink bucket of chicken in support of breast cancer, not because I’m unsympathetic, but come on, if a cause is worthy, doing anything other than raising cold hard cash is usually an empty gesture.

This is different, though.

This isn’t about raising awareness. Not to me, at least. This is a display of solidarity. It’s a simple, silent nod to the thousands of my young readers who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and whatever the fuck other wonderful versions of the human experience that defy reductionist labels, yet who all still have to put up with the cruelty and ignorance of lesser minds.

Solidarity, bitches.

My girlfriend hates her body intensely, seeing it as grotesque and flabby and too tall and too square and too boyish. It’s none of those things. She hates it if I compliment it or tell her she’s not any of those things, because she has a “right to feel this way.” What can I do?

Yes, I suppose self hate and body issues are a natural born right to girls across this great nation, but so is it your duty as a good boyfriend — nay, a good American — to stand up for your own First Amendment rights and shout to the fucking rafters that she is not only beautiful in your eyes, but beautiful in every way a woman can be.

Stand up to the tyranny of self hate. Tell that girl she’s gorgeous.

i just found out my suck ass job is gonna require me to work on thee hallow’s eve, but i’ve started buying shit for my coketalk costume. should i just dress up, take photos and troll people on sat and mon?

Hell yes.

The Coke Talk Halloween Costume Challenge is good any and all party days leading up to Halloween, and well into the brunching hour the Monday after.

Yes, that’s right. I’m throwing my ridiculous persona out there as a potential costume this year, so if you’re a fan, feel free to coke it up for Halloween.

Most folks are doing a Britney style Coke Talk with a red satin jacket, grey sweats, trucker hat, big sunglasses, and a half full baby bottle.

Others have expressed interest in doing a Dolly Parton style Dear Coke Talk with big blonde bouffant hair, a lavender 80’s business suit, gold bangle bracelets, and a big ugly coffee mug.

Either way, if you send me pics of you dressed up as Coke Talk for Halloween, I’ll be sure to find some special way to say thank you.

Knock it the fuck out, you hilarious bitches. I can’t wait to see the pics.

If someone offered you a job writing an advice column for the New York Times, would you give up your anonymity?

Hell no, nor would I have to. Bill Keller knows how to keep a secret. Not that it matters, because the Old Gray Lady is far too dignified to get caught doing lines with a west coast bitch like me.

And really? A Times column? Let’s dream bigger, people. I love the printed word as much as the next girl with a blog, but this is Hollywood. My anonymity is worth a helluva lot more than a mid-level salaried position in an industry that’s circling the drain.

Shit, dude. If we’re gonna get hypothetical about revealing my identity, at least offer me back end points on a syndicated television series. Mama’s got her eye on a little airstream trailer in Malibu.

I have a dilemma and i need your advice. my best friend’s roommate and i are totally into each other, and the best friend is pissed and is begging me not to hook up with her. In addition, the roommate is currently in a relationship with this really nice guy who’s pretty chill. I don’t want to be a relationship breaker, nor do I want to fuck up my friendship with my best friend. What would you do? Hook up with the roommate asap, wait for the roommates current relationship to end, or not hookup with the roommate at all?

You seem to have way more experience with complicated relationships than I, hence why I ask you.

Here’s what you should do. Go get a dictionary. Look up the words “dilemma” and “complicated.” Note that neither of them should be used to describe what’s going on with your pathetic excuse for a lack of self control.

You’re a piece of shit for even considering this. Seriously, dude. You’re willing to drop a live grenade of hot messy drama into the middle of your best friend’s home so your dick can get wet for ten, fifteen minutes tops? Fuck you.

This is only a dilemma if you’re an emotionally crippled tool.