Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why is it I can’t find people physically attractive until I know them a little?
Because physicality is more than just how someone looks, and genuine attraction isn’t a superficial response. (You’re much more normal in this regard than you think you are.)

If he says he wouldn’t want to see his ex again because she’s toxic, does that mean he isn’t over her?
Pay attention to the subtleties of how he says she’s toxic. If he’s telling you that she’s toxic, he’s over her. If he’s telling himself that she’s toxic, he’s not over her.

Why do women still fake orgasms? What is the root of that confusion-inducing performance? It does nothing but hurt us all in the end.
The root of that confusion-inducing performance is the fundamental fragility of the male ego, which is really the thing that hurts us all in the end.

Where/How do you draw the line between having self-respect and “Well why not? He’s really hot”?
I don’t have to draw a line because my self-respect isn’t tied to patriarchal notions of chastity and sexual shame.

The divorce is almost official and I just kicked him off my Hulu account. Such a little thing, but it really was splendid.
It’s always the little things. (Congratulations on your divorce.)

It’s really hard when you’re surrounded by dumb people not to become one of them.
Yes, but it’s worth the effort.

Do you have trouble with the physical aspects of aging?
I’d prefer that the physical aspects of aging not occur, but there’s really no point in having trouble with inevitability.

Is it morally wrong/illegal to resell items full price that you buy at a discount because you work for that company?
It’s neither morally wrong nor illegal. Although, it’s ethically shady and would probably get you fired, so keep that shit to yourself.

Are you down with Trevor Noah? I tried to give the new Daily Show a chance but I can’t get into it.
Trevor showed so much promise, but the man can’t land a joke to save his life, and with the exception of the brilliant Jessica Williams, the correspondents are all a bunch of undisciplined hacks. It’s painful to watch what the Daily Show has become. (I take solace in watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, who turned out to be the true heir of the Stewart legacy.)

I NEED A NEW PLAYLIST. PLEASE THIS IS LIKE FUCKING PURGATORY.
Okay, okay. Here it is.

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Advice

On how to chill without benzos

I’m “lightly medicated” on some Celexa for depression and kolonopin as needed. Lately I’ve been feeling like I dip too much into the klonopin (every evening to calm the fuck down and take the edge of anxiety off) instead of a couple times a week at best. I don’t want it to a be a daily thing, so I’ve been trying other ways of getting my heart to stop beating so fast and my mind not to snap in irritation at every noise outside or irritating question I get. CQ, what do you (or would you) do in moments like this to just chill wihout reaching for the benzos. Sometimes I take a hot bath, sometimes I gulp down an entire glass of water in one sitting, and sometimes I just try taking lots of deep breaths. They all work okay half the time. Any further recommendations? Thank you so much.

 

Benadryl.

I’m totally serious. It’s over-the-counter, perfectly safe when used as directed, and even though it’s an antihistamine, it has legitimate anti-anxiety properties.

If I run out of benzos or feel the need to cut back, the first thing I reach for is one of those little pink pills (especially in the evenings.) You’ll be surprised how well they work. Benadryl is my secret weapon against developing an ugly benzo habit.

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Advice

On being manipulated by your father

I’m in university. My father just visited and surprised me at dinner saying he wants to take me to Paris and the Swiss Alps this summer. However, my mother, who hates him, has told me before that he’s an impulsive spender, we’re in severe debt and the IRS is going to come after him soon.

I have a genuine love for traveling, but also 2 younger siblings and a pervasive sense of guilt. (My dad has a drinking problem that will be tough to deal with on the trip too.) What to do?

 

Sorry, but you can’t go on the trip. Sure, Paris and the Swiss Alps sound wonderful, but you can’t vacation at the expense of the rest of your family. You already know that deep down. You know it was a rotten thing for him to offer, and you know better than to allow your father to make you his accomplice.

It sucks when you have to be the adult because your parents are acting like children, but sometimes that’s how it goes. And not to put too fine a point on it, but in addition to the obvious parent/child role reversal, there’s some wife/daughter role reversal going on here as well. (I don’t mean that in a creepy way. More in a Freudian way as further evidence of the super unhealthy relationship triangle between you, your mom, and your dad.)

Make the adult decision and politely decline. If you want to say no to your father in a way that won’t come back on you, tell him you’d love to go, but only if your siblings can come too and he promises not to drink. (He’ll pretend it’s a lovely idea, but the trip will never happen, and he won’t be able to manipulate you with any guilt.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

My life is a painful cycle of ups and downs with him, but I feel dead inside without him. What do I do?
Stop making it about him. This is about you and how you allow yourself to be emotionally dependent on another person. Stop doing that. Individuate. Take responsibility for your own emotional states and don’t give other people the power to define your life. This goes for everyone you know — friends, family members, and all your future boyfriends. (Yes. Future boyfriends. Your current relationship is going to end. The sooner the better.)

I love my girlfriend of three years but I don’t want to fuck her anymore. We have a really nice life together. What now?
“What now?” is the wrong question. Instead, ask yourself, “Why now?” I couldn’t possibly have an answer for you, but that’s what you should be working to figure out for yourself.

Does the fact that I secretly hope my father (whom I resent and have a fraught relationship with) isn’t around (read: alive) for my wedding (whenever the fuck that is) make me a terrible person?
Do you see what you’ve done here? Dead or alive, you’ve given your father the power to ruin your future wedding. Stop giving him that kind of power. Come to terms with his limitations. Accept him. (That doesn’t mean involve him in your life. It just means accept that he’ll never be who you need him to be and let that shit go.)

Where is the line between being on her side and being an enabler?
The line is crossed the moment your actions begin to reinforce her maladaptive patterns of behavior.

I’m in love with my cheating ex – what to do?
Are you sure it’s him you’re in love with? I mean him. Who he really is right now as a human being — not his potential, not who he was when you met, not the idea of him you have in your head — him. Be honest.

I’m a poet, he’s a songwriter. Most of my poems are about him, none of his songs are about me. I have no doubt that he loves me, but why doesn’t he show it in his art?
I honestly don’t know how he tolerates you.

Do you regret telling the two exes about your secret identity?
Not at all. Loyalty and trust can extend beyond relationships, and those are two ride or die motherfuckers, the kind I wouldn’t hesitate to call if I needed help getting rid of a body. Besides, none of this ridiculousness would have been possible without them.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone religious?
Nope. I’ve made sinners out of several, but nothing close to love. (That’s an odd detail to pull out of me. Why do you ask?)

Don’t let the sycophantic comments section get to your head, love.
Please. You needn’t worry about the sycophants, darling. The hate mail is my source of pride.

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Advice

On giving back his guns

I live in Kalamazoo, Michigan. A month ago, a friend of mine called me needing help. He was crying and emotionally unbalanced because of shit going on with his estranged wife. I went to his house and hung out with him, listened to him, let him cry, etc. I also made him give me the guns that I knew he had. I brought those guns home with me, and I still have them. I am enraged and heartbroken about the shootings that happened in my town last night. I don’t think my friend should have his guns back. But they’re his property. Can you help me through this decision-making process, please? I’d feel enormously irresponsible giving him the guns. Thank you.

 

This is simpler than you think. First of all, the shootings that happened in your town last night should have absolutely nothing to do with your decision. Set that horrible shit aside and focus on your friend.

Now, all you have to do is answer one question. If you give your friend his guns back, do you believe he might use them to attempt to harm himself or others?

It’s a simple yes or no question, and if the answer is yes, tell your friend sorry, but he’s not getting the guns back. Furthermore, if you think that he’s a suicide risk, get the man some fucking help.

I mean it. This shit is no joke. If you were concerned enough to take his guns away in the first place, then you should be concerned enough to make sure your friend gets in a room with a mental health professional. Hell, at this point, you’re sort of obligated.

Tell him you’ll give him his guns back as soon as his future therapist calls you up and says it’s okay to return them.

Stick to your guns on this, even though they’re not your guns.

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Advice

On using your words

I really like a guy and we’ve been dating for a few months but the sex is getting borderline painful because I’ll be turned on but then get super bored. What do I do. I haven’t orgasmed yet either even though he thinks I have. I feel like shit.

 

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, USE YOUR WORDS. Talk with your sexual partners. Communicate.

The next time you’re in bed, start a conversation. It can be before you fuck, after you fuck, or while you’re fucking. It really doesn’t matter. Just pick your moment and say the words, “Hey, I wanna talk about how we fuck…” and then let it go from there.

Be frank, open, and honest about what you like, what you don’t like, what you need, and what gets you off. Find out the same things from him. Let it all come from a place of love and respect. Don’t take any of it too seriously, and don’t be afraid to laugh.

Also, don’t be afraid to get interactive. If talking only gets you part of the way, have a little show and tell. Literally demonstrate what it takes for you to orgasm. I swear, he won’t mind watching. While you’re at it, let him show you what he likes. You might learn a few tricks too.

Communication is the only way to turn bad sex into better sex and good sex into great sex. Go ahead. Talk. Be brave, loving, and respectful, and I promise you’ll be fine.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

How do you ethically defend eating meat? I do too, but I’m conflicted about it all the time.
I don’t defend eating meat with an ethical argument. The argument against eating meat has the ethical high ground. I defend eating meat simply by saying it’s delicious, which it is, and I accept the fact that I am not ethically pure in that regard.

I’m 29, does that mean I’m a millennial? It’s confusing, it seems like these labels are very American-centric but they travel (thank you globalization) and still apply to an extent.
Yes. You are a Millennial. Not that firm borders exist, but typically, anyone born between 1961 and 1979 is considered Generation X, anyone born between 1980 and 2001 is a Millennial, and anyone born between 1977-1983 is a Gen X/Millennial cusper.

I’m scared I’m going to drink myself to death.
Maybe it’s time for rehab. You sound ready. Go get some help.

Honestly, do you think Hillary Clinton would win against Trump if the election were held, as it were, tomorrow??
Of course. Hillary would destroy Trump. It would be a double-digit landslide win.

My mother told me that if I vote for Bernie Sanders she’s “never going speak to [me] again.”
The proper response to that is, “Challenge accepted.”

Why is it that everywhere I look, I only see signs of how much of a failure I am?
Because that’s what you want to see.

I can think of a thousand reasons why but I want to know, why don’t you give parenting advice?
People don’t ask me about their children.

How honest are you about your life here that people know well can find this blog and not know it’s you?
The things I write about my life are honest, but I’m a trickster with the details. It’s necessary to protect my anonymity. Still, as Tony Montana once said, “I always tell the truth, even when I lie.”

So why did you change your style? Lose your brutality? You’re boring now.
The rest of us grew up a little. If you’re bored, feel free to fuck off.

You suddenly stopped writing as much. Does this mean you found someone?
Those of you paying attention to what week it is will understand why I’m busy.

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Thoughts

On my favorite movies

Name your favorite movies. I’m gonna keep submitting this ’til you post em, beeyotch.

 

Okay, okay. In no particular order and off the top of my head:

  • Children of Men
  • Beasts of the Southern Wild
  • The Princess Bride
  • True Romance
  • Ferris Beuller’s Day Off
  • The Usual Suspects
  • Groundhog Day
  • Searching for Bobby Fisher
  • Defending Your Life
  • Interstellar
  • Trading Places
  • Heathers
  • The Imitation Game
  • Midnight in Paris
  • Goodfellas
  • Grosse Point Blank
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • The Shawshank Redemption
  • Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
  • Heat
  • The Big Lebowski
  • Dead Poets Society
  • Clue
  • Black Swan
  • Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
  • Point Break
  • Moonrise Kingdom
  • Working Girl
  • The Breakfast Club
  • Boogie Nights
  • Michael Clayton
  • Amelie
  • Labyrinth
  • The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
  • The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension
  • Raising Arizona
  • Cold Mountain
  • Pretty Woman
  • The Godfather I and II
  • Love Actually
  • Good Will Hunting
  • The Fifth Element
  • Ordinary People
  • Clueless
  • The Silence of the Lambs
  • Fargo
  • Magnolia
  • Steel Magnolias
  • Monty Python’s Life of Brian
  • The Truman Show
  • Being There
  • Amadeus
  • Pulp Fiction
  • Tree of Life
  • Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
  • Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
  • A History of Violence
  • L.A. Story
  • Cloud Atlas

(I know I’m forgetting some, so I reserve the right to revise and extend my list.)

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Advice

On living your life

My husband killed himself four months ago. I’m trying to embrace the change. I really am. I’m going to therapy and a suicide bereavement group. I’m taking care of the finances and paperwork and bureaucratic bullshit. I’m talking to my friends. And I went on a date last week. And I really enjoyed it. Just dinner and conversation, but it felt so good. He asked if I wanted to get together again, and I said yes. The attention and the human connection felt really good. I was happy for the first time in a long time. The guy knows my situation. I’ve told him I’m not ready for a relationship, or even physical intimacy. Is this ok?

 

Yes. It’s okay.

It’s okay to enjoy yourself. It’s okay to go as slowly as you need. (Or as quickly, for that matter. It would be perfectly fine if physical intimacy was something that you needed.)

There’s no right or proper way to grieve, and the only wrong way is to fall into patterns of behavior that are harmful. You seem like you’ve got your shit together, though. Certainly as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

Shit’s still fresh, though. You know that. This guy probably knows that too, so as long as he’s respectful of your boundaries and your grieving process, let this be whatever it needs to be.

Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Live your life.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

Everything aside, what do you think of the very idea of separate bedrooms, given that both the partners willingly agree and there is no power imbalance?
It’s perfectly fine under healthy circumstances, but a willing agreement and no power imbalance doesn’t necessarily make it healthy. Separate bedrooms has to be the result of a couple leading independent lives, but not distant lives. Independence is healthy. Distance isn’t.

I’ve had the same straight, even length hair style all my life. Does that mean I stopped growing as a person?
All your life? From your baby pictures through your teenage years and on into adulthood? The same hairstyle? No, I don’t think so. If that were true (and it isn’t) it would mean that you never formed an identity by making decisions about your own appearance, which means you never started growing in the first place.

Wait, so if I don’t change my hair that means I’ve stopped growing as a person? I just think black hair and front bangs suits me best, I’m not trying to seem stagnant.
No, it doesn’t mean you’ve stopped growing as a person. Not at all. You guys seem to be missing the point about the hair thing. If you want to understand where I was coming from, read this. (And I’m sure black front bangs is a great look for you now, but will it be in five years? In ten? In twenty? Come on.)

I have two cats and a roommate. My roommate refers to my cats as her cats. I don’t want to be a psycho but they’re my fucking cats. Why does this bother me so much???
Because they’re your fucking cats. Duh.

Why is it that whenever I recognize that I’m content that immediately after I feel a sense of sadness?
Because that’s all there is.

How do you avoid paying retail for designer clothes?
I believe Liam Neeson summed it up best when he said, “…I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.”

My 59 year old mother quoted you at me about moving to Asheville. My head damn near exploded. Your influence spreads far and wide!
Is she trying to get you to move? That’s adorable. (And yeah, some of my new audience is skewing much older, which makes it a little weird for me. I don’t even give parenting advice, so it’s not like I’m gonna start answering questions about menopause and shit.)

At what point in a friendship/dating relationship do you tell people about your alter ego?
I don’t tell anyone. Ever. One lawyer, one agent, one editor, one therapist, two exes, and three friends. That’s it. Those are the only people I’ve told. I don’t tell new friends, and I don’t tell new partners, especially now that I’m in a new place.

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