Best-Of Advice

On that dollar in your pocket

Why’s some motherfucker ask me for a dollar to specifically refill his 42oz big gulp at 7/11 like I just have fucking money to give to him (he said all this yes)? I have to work hard for this money; why does it piss me off so much that someone thinks I’m just there to give it away to them?

It pisses you off because you’re a selfish person who thinks the world revolves around you. It doesn’t, so stop taking every little thing personally. I’m not suggesting you give a dollar to the guy — you ain’t there yet, but at the very least, summon up the few drops of empathy it takes to shake your head no without letting some poor bastard’s very existence anger you. If you really want to improve yourself, watch out for that ego-based Republican instinct to announce to the world that you’re a hardworking taxpayer who earns things. Resist the urge to make comments like, “I have to work hard for this money.” Yes, you are paid a wage in exchange for your labor. Congratulations on grasping the basics of capitalist micro-economics, but saying shit like that to help prove a point is a big red flag that you are an enormous gaping asshole.

The problem with your way of thinking is that you fundamentally believe there’s a difference between you and that bum trying to refill his Big Gulp. You lack compassion and any sense of economic scale, and it prevents you from recognizing that you two motherfuckers are on the same team — Team 7/11, Team 99% — whatever you wanna call it, man. We’re all American peasantry.

I know that makes you uncomfortable. You don’t wanna wear the same jersey as the Big Gulp bums, but you really need to start taking a broader view of the socio-economic system that has you conditioned to direct your anger at the underprivileged. Fuck that shit. The guys asking for a dollar outside the 7/11 aren’t your enemy. Aim your animosity upward. The guys earning net profit off your labor are the ones taking money out of your pocket. That’s your true enemy. That’s who should be pissing you off.

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Advice

On a thoughtful critic

Hi Coke. I’ve been reading you since early 2013. Then, I was an almost-18 year old piece of shit. Now I’m a 19 year old piece of shit, albeit with about a year and a half’s worth of life experience under my belt. As I’m sure you hope a reader would, I’ve started to approach you with a skeptical eye (I didn’t really for the first year). You aren’t the sole reason—or even the main reason—that I pursued sexual experience relentlessly and enthusiastically from Fall 2013 to Spring 2014—as if in the infinity of my orgasm I would uncover the illusion of my own ego, or some shit like that. I was an asshole to boyfriends, who didn’t understand why I so wanted to fuck other guys (read: fuck as many other guys as possible), and tried to make sure that my queue of partners met as many demographic criteria as possible, so that I’d be able to brag, “I’ve fucked a 38 year old; five different races; someone in public; a father of two.”

It took me a while, but I finally realized that I was in pursuit of the story—not spirit; coolness—not compassionate vulnerability. I was a libertine because libertines are cool. I could spit the feminist justification for my escapades—and my tireless pursuit of them—with rapid ease. I dropped my sexual achievements in passing whenever I could to seem more adult, and I’d exploit men trying to ensure that my list of achievements always expanded.

I blame a lack of attention from boys throughout adolescence, and what was probably an insidious insecurity about not being desirable for what I did this past year. You’re most certainly not at fault for that. But I suppose you lost some credibility for me when I realized that your advice often kept me on that track. Specifically, I think of your celebration of libertine values; your consistent dictum, “He’s not the first and he won’t be the last” (maybe true, but I really commodified men—and I cannot stress the verb ‘commodify’ more—abiding by this philosophy); and the overall lifestyle you seemed to espouse. But you know you sell cool: from the absurd manicures to the Hollywood parties to the men. You know you’re a brand. You never claimed to be otherwise.

I’m not a hater in any sense of the word—perhaps just a thoughtful critic. I still owe you a lot: I’m much less whiny than I used to be. I write this to you now because I’m curious if you have any thoughts on this sort of problem—not justification, since I doubt I’m telling you things you don’t know. This platform isn’t really conducive to a dialogue, so I don’t expect that. Just, what do you think?

I think you should keep writing. You’re good at it. Stay a thoughtful critic without burning out. Don’t allow your skepticism to decay into cynicism.

Right now you’re establishing an identity while testing the depth of your independence. Your womanhood is freshly weaponized. Sexual exploits are still a novelty. It sounds like you may have gotten distracted by a bit too much belt notching, but that’s perfectly understandable, especially considering you seem to have learned so much from it so quickly.

You’re deep in your first period of adult self-exploration. You’re developing your own real-world moral philosophy, and that’s a good thing. I don’t see you describing a problem here. At worst, you’re describing behavior that is problematic, but you’re already ahead of the game because you recognize it.

Think of this phase as a process of amending your own personal constitution. Let the past go, let yourself change, and get good at forgiving your former self. Refer back to this every few years and appreciate how far you’ve come and how full of shit both of us were.

Again, keep writing. You’re exactly the kind of person who should.

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Advice

On self-awareness

You sound like a know-it-all. Get over yourself and learn how to be humble. There’s something bigger than you.

In the hopes of bringing you a small glimpse of self-awareness, the following is a direct translation from the conscious words you chose into the message your ego is actually communicating:

“It makes me uncomfortable that you sound smarter than me. I would feel better about myself if you would get in your place and learn how to be subservient. I need a higher power in my life because my world view is governed by fear of my own insignificance.”

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

When do I get to stop apologising for being white?
Fuck you and your bullshit apologies. You’re not a victim. You’re not put-upon. You’re just a snide, selfish little person who refuses to acknowledge your own privilege. Get over yourself.

Why do some people think that society is nicer to women?
Because some people can’t tell the difference between courtesy and condescension.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life and it’s really fucking scary.
Enjoy that fear. You’re lucky to have it.

Are there any genuinely happy rich people?
The fact that you don’t think the rich are genuinely happy means that the propaganda is working.

Why am I attracted to arrogant dudes?
Ask your dad.

I feel like everything I ever try fails while others barely need to lift a finger to succeed. In the same week I turned 26, lost my health insurance, and got the biggest rejection of my life. What am I supposed to do now?
Quit whining.

I’m dating a guy who is a selfish asshole 60% of the time and a genuinely enjoyable person 40% of the time. I’m not sure if I’m dating him because I like the 40% so much or because I’m scared of the turmoil dumping him will bring to my life.
You aren’t dating a guy. You’re being held emotionally hostage by a selfish asshole with mood swings. Big difference, kiddo.

Why do you answer all these dumb questions from girls who don’t have a backbone who should obviously break up with their boyfriends and/or stand up for themselves?
Because they ask, and I’m happy to provide a surrogate backbone long enough for them to feel what it’s like to stand up for themselves.

You are the anti-Cupid
That’s me. Just walkin’ around pulling arrows out of lovesick idiots.

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Advice

On another easy one

I just had a debate with my boyfriend regarding the street harassment video you posted. His points were that it is the nature of men to let women know they find them attractive, how else are men supposed to approach a woman they find attractive?, and maybe if a woman doesn’t dress sexually she won’t be treated in a sexual manner. He also stated that maybe women should understand how the male mind works before we get upset about it. I was so fuming and disappointed that I couldn’t come up with an appropriate argument. Please help!


Break up with him.

I’m dead fucking serious. Break up with him, because this wasn’t a debate. This was him showing you his true nature. You deserve better. Every woman does.

Break up with him, and when he cries like a little punk, tell him that maybe he should understand how the female mind works before he gets upset about it.

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Advice

On an easy one

I recently discovered my boyfriend’s tinder account (I went snooping on his tablet after a friend tipped me off). He was messaging several girls, and met up with at least one at a party. I contacted her, she swears nothing happened, but they were texting and facebook messaging for a few days prior. He had the account for 2 weeks, and we’ve been fighting recently. He seems remorseful and accepted responsibility, but he also said tinder was “similar” to flirting at a bar. I don’t want to break up, but I feel backed into a corner. What do I do?

Break up with him.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why do I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy?
Because you hold false beliefs about the nature of happiness.

Do you think ebola will become a pandemic?
No. As much as it appeals to our secret desire to witness Armageddon, humanity isn’t gonna be decimated by some scary African uber-virus. Don’t worry. We’re all gonna die regular, boring vanilla-flavored deaths from either heart disease or cancer at some point in the next few decades.


Which is the repository of more bad ideas, christianity or islam?
It’s the same repository.

I generally don’t get along with people who wear bows in their hair.
I generally don’t get along with people who make spurious correlations about other people’s fashion accessories.

Do you think there’s really a difference between cheating and ethical non-monogamy?
Of course there is. Even you think so. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have felt the need to stick “ethical” in front of non-monogamy.

Is it normal for every girl to be convinced she’s pregnant after she loses her virginity?
Absent any legitimate concerns of potential pregnancy (broken condom, late period, etc.), that kind of reaction is usually an expression of religious guilt. It shouldn’t be normal, but I’m guessing you come from somewhere extra-Jesusy.

Is it morally sufficient to tolerate homosexuals?
Ew. What a gross question, and no, it is not morally sufficient to merely tolerate homosexuals. Your type of begrudging tolerance implies that there’s something wrong with being homosexual, and there’s not. Acceptance and inclusion without prejudice is the minimum requirement for moral sufficiency. If you can’t fully accept that there’s nothing wrong with being homosexual, then your beliefs still represent a moral failure.

I can’t break up with him because it’ll hurt him so much. I’ve never purposefully and knowingly caused someone that much pain.
You are not responsible for his emotional state. One more time for the cheap seats: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS EMOTIONAL STATE. You are being held hostage by your boyfriend’s fragility. That’s disgusting. If you want out of the relationship, get the fuck out. Don’t make his weakness yours.

What’s the difference between hope and expectation?
The difference between hope and expectation is the difference between gambling and taking a risk.

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Advice

On misogynistic terror threat lemonade

Anita Sarkeesian had to cancel a lecture at Utah State because some psychopath threatened to murder a bunch of people if she spoke because “feminists ruined his life” and other head-in-ass dribble like that. And apparently Utah’s open-carry policy prevented the police from doing firearm searches of the attendees. This is just so many levels of fucked up.


Actually, this is turning out to be a pretty great story, and Anita Sarkeesian is playing her hand beautifully.

Here’s the fucked up thing: Anita gets death threats all the time. As a woman trying to bring a feminist message into gamer culture, she’s a constant target for harassment, and she’s given any number of public lectures under threat of violence. What was different about today is Utah’s conceal-carry gun laws.

No matter how much USU or the police assured Sarkeesian of her safety, they still couldn’t prevent people from legally bringing concealed firearms to the venue, and after the overt threat of a mass shooting at the event, she was able to leverage her cancelation into a national story. It’s really quite impressive.

I’m glad that she canceled the event, and I’m glad that this story is getting so much attention. Up until today, only a handful of gamers and feminists even knew who Anita Sarkeesian was. This is going to elevate her profile to the national stage, freshly dipped in righteousness, with a galvanized message about how much we all need feminism in a culture so obviously steeped in misogynistic violence.

And the cowardly twerp who wrote the death threat? I’ll bet a thousand bucks right now that he’ll be spending the holidays (and likely the next few years) in federal prison. The FBI is damn good at finding little neckbearded fuckboys who think they know how to mask an IP address, especially when there’s the added pressure of national publicity.

It started out fucked-up, but I have a feeling this story will have a happy ending.

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Best-Of Advice

On reframing bisexuality

Oh, fuck. If I know I like men and women, how do I decide who to settle down with in the end?

I know this question is just an expression of your immaturity, but it annoys the shit out of me when people frame bisexuality as a false dilemma between genders. It’s not.

Go fall in love. Go get your heart broken, and then go do it again. Find out what it takes to be in a long-term relationship regardless of either of your genders. Learn about yourself. Figure out the kind of person you want to be and the kind of life you want to live.

Go do all that shit, and when you’ve finally grown up a bit, when you’ve wrapped your head around the wonderfully messy and messed-up complexity of interpersonal relationships, when you’ve come to terms with how little control you actually have over your romantic destiny in the first place, maybe then you’ll realize how ridiculous it is to reduce major life decisions about potential life partners to something as ultimately inconsequential as “penis vs vagina.”

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why do I have it in my head that if I’m not famous, recognized as an expert, or popular in my peer group, I haven’t lived an important life?
Because you’re a product of consumer capitalism steeped in celebrity culture.

Define normal, please.
Normal is just a median range, a statistical average, but in common usage the word is a culturally loaded modifier that contextually reinforces dominant ideologies (e.g., normal relationships, normal clothes, normal sex, or normal food.) The actual definition of “normal” is much less important than how you let it define your world.

I consider myself to be a hedonistic nihilist, but a friend insists that the two philosophies are not only incompatible, but are in fact polar opposites. What would you say?
Your friend must be confused. Existential nihilism and classical Epicurian hedonism are different schools of thought, but they go together quite nicely. They’re the philosophical equivalent of peanut butter and jelly. (Or peanut butter and chocolate, if that’s your pleasure. Not that it matters.)

Is there such a thing as casual heroin use?
There’s such a thing as experimental heroin use, perhaps even occasional heroin use, but the word casual implies drug use that is both controlled and non-problematic. Given heroin’s ridiculously high potential for physical dependence and the lifestyle typically associated with its users, I’d have to say that genuinely casual heroin use is a damn near impossible feat, especially over time, and even more so if needles are involved.

I am getting an abortion in a few days. Though I know it is the best decision, there are moments when I can’t breathe. Please, Coquette, I will take any words of wisdom you have.
The waiting is the hardest part, but everything will be okay. Moments of anxiety and apprehension are to be expected, and they’re perfectly understandable. Remember though, you didn’t just make the best decision. You made the right decision.

I just got out of a pretty serious relationship. Hurt, but ultimately OK. Problem: before the relationship, I enjoyed having casual sex with various people. It was awesome. Now, however, I find the vast majority of people fairly gross. How do I get past this and start having fun again?
Time. It just takes time. Your heart is still sore from breaking, but don’t worry, you’ll have fun again. (And for the record, the vast majority of people have always been fairly gross. You just have a selective memory from the last time you were single.)

Do you think you’ll ever be too old to be an L.A. party girl?
Definitely. The mid 2000’s were my peak party years. This decade is for slowing down with a very select group of friends. (I don’t mind getting older. I’m good at it, and I appreciate the perspective.)

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