Two years ago I’d describe myself as a pretty badass bitch who handled relationships with confidence and dignity. Now, post first big love, I find myself having to consciously fight sexual jealousy and struggling to be vulnerable with the newest infatuation. What gives?

Two years ago you didn’t know shit about love. Now you know a little. Keep it up, and in two more years you’ll know even more.

Is knowing that someone will be a good father, and knowing that someone loves you immensely in a way that you have never been loved before enough of a reason to marry that person? Also best sex of my life.

Maybe. There are worse reasons to get married. There are also better. You’ll end up bored as hell sometime around 2020, but that was probably gonna happen anyway.

Find out if you can cohabitate with the dude before you go squirting out any of his babies, and don’t expect the best sex of your life to be a thing you keep on this list indefinitely.

My boyfriend of three years won’t let me move in with him. He says it’s because he wants to “have something that is just his” (referring to the house he bought last year). This stresses me out all the time, because it makes me feel like he doesn’t want a future with me. We work together, so I often worry that our mutual work environment is what holds us together for him. Should I cool it, or is this something that warrants a huge discussion?

A huge discussion? Ugh. No wonder your boyfriend doesn’t want you to move in with him. I’d tell you to cool it, but first you’d have to be capable of actually being cool, and you’re way too insecure in your relationship to pull that off.

Are you prepared to break up with your boyfriend? Didn’t think so, which means that brow-beating him with “we need to talk” level conversations isn’t going to get you what you want. All it will do is reinforce his need for personal space.

You already work together and socialize together. It’s not outrageous for your boyfriend to feel that living together might be too much, and I’m sorry, but if your mutual work environment really is the only thing holding you two together, then you’re screwed. That’s a huge red flag, and there’s no way your boyfriend will ask you to move in with him if he’s already emotionally checked out from the relationship.

I know this answer won’t alleviate your stress, but maybe it will get you to take a step back and start looking at the bigger picture. Three years is long enough to know whether you should be planning a future together. Do you really want a future with someone who’s still keeping you at arm’s length?

Read this week’s column over at Nerve.com.

My girlfriend lies to me. She works until 11 but sometimes has to stay after for prep/clean. She doesn’t get home from work until 1:30 or later though. She always smells like booze. She walks in the door saying, “What a long day, had to clean blah blah, the alcohol reps were in tonight or they gave us a couple beers to stay late…” There have been a few times where people have mentioned to me that they saw her out at a bar or something when she was telling me she was at work. The problem that I’m having is, I don’t care if she goes out for drinks after work with her friends, I do that too. It’s unwind time. She knows I don’t care. We have a really mellow and open relationship so she can’t be cheating on me. There is absolutely no reason, whatsoever, for her to lie. I can’t stand lying. It makes me not trust anything she says. Can you please help me? Why is she lying?

Your girlfriend is a functioning alcoholic, and she’s lying because alcoholics lie. That’s just what they do. Of course, you’re asking about petty bullshit while playing down the glaringly obvious problem (“She always smells like booze”) because you’re an enabler. That’s just what they do.

You’re going to read this and not believe me. (I can smell your denial through the internet.) That’s fine. This isn’t an easy thing to hear, so let me tell you what’s likely to happen next: Nothing. You won’t say anything to upset the delicate balance, and she’ll continue drinking and lying.

Eventually, her lies will grow from little and white into something bigger and considerably more shady. She will betray your trust in some manner that you finally deem unforgivable, and it will cause the relationship to dissolve.

It won’t stop there, of course. This kind of thing will become a pattern. There’s always another slow motion trainwreck waiting around the corner for a “mellow and open” enabler like you. I imagine in a decade, you’ll have quite a few of your exes calling you out of the blue to apologize as part of their ninth step.

Then again, maybe you’ll prove me wrong and confront your current girlfriend about her drinking immediately. I hope so. It still doesn’t end well for you two as a couple, but at least it’ll play out much faster.

The sooner the better in her case.

(Nerve)

My friend-with-benefits sent me a text saying “You need to back away from me until you can control and handle your emotions. You’re being clingy, obnoxiously attached, and irrationally upset for no goddamn reason. Until then, please do something constructive instead of sending me a text.” He just sent this straight out of the blue and I’m about 5 seconds from kicking his ass to the curb. I can’t keep giving him second chances. I need advice. Help. Anything.

You can only give somebody one second chance. After that, “giving him second chances” is just code for putting up with more of his bullshit.

And let’s be clear, he didn’t send that text straight out of the blue. You may not want to admit it, but you know damn well why he thinks you’re being clingy, obnoxiously attached, and irrationally upset for no goddamn reason.

I’m not saying he’s right. I’m just saying quit acting all surprised. Even if he is right, he’s still behaving like a gigantic asshole, and you shouldn’t tolerate that kind of disrespect from a friend, with or without benefits. It’s doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, so you should probably take your five seconds and then go ahead and kick his ass to the curb.

Now, here’s the real question. Can you do what needs to be done, or are you just in this for the drama?

Any argument or disagreement with my boyfriend crumbles into the basest expression of spluttering animal emotion. There is absolutely no room for rational conversation.

I’m no angel but my intentions are good. I try to address, redress, apologize, take responsibility… and he’s too busy bellowing over me to even take it in.

I don’t know how to resolve conflict with him. He shouts + rages + raves + doesn’t even hear the apology he’s asking for. Shouting back, speaking calmly, letting him know he is being heard, silent treatment…. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I am so, so tired.

Break up with him. You know you can do that, right?

Trust yourself when you say you’ve tried everything, because there are no magic solutions to this kind of problem. If your boyfriend is insufferable, then quit suffering him.

Life’s hard enough without a partner who’s constantly leaving you emotionally exhausted. It’s one thing to struggle with incompatible conflict resolution styles, but you should never have to put up with verbal abuse.

(Nerve)