Tag Archives: Good Shit

Best-Of Advice

On why you even bother

First, I’m going to say what everyone says: you’re great and I need an honest opinion, no holds barred. I was in a very long term relationship that ended a couple years ago. I’ve never been much of a dater – I’m one of those annoying people who just sort of fell into relationships when I was younger. However, I’ve been trying my best to get myself out there and meet guys, which seems so fucking impossible in New York (totally cliche, I know, but it’s true).

My real problem is that I’ve met a few guys that I’ve had a good few months with and then they start the disappearing act. You know, less frequent phone calls/texts, distancing themselves, and behaving badly. In some cases, they’ve ended it, in others I have, but always because of their actions. They’ve all been fairly normal, good guys. I’m a smart, fun, good-looking laid-back woman and I don’t see what the deal is.

For the sake of full disclosure (because I want the most honest opinion from you), I’ve slept with all of these guys within the first couple weeks (which I don’t think is a bad thing) and I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. If a guy shows a serious interest in me and I like him, I don’t play hard-to-get. I’m usually very up-front and I don’t like game playing to get the “upper-hand.”Is this bad? Are these guys thinking I’m too available?

Am I just having a run of bad luck? Should I re-evaluate my judgment on the men I’m choosing? Or should I just stop “giving away the milk for free?”

D. None of the above.

Your real problem is that you think you have a problem. You’re not experiencing bad luck, you don’t need to re-evaluate your judgment, and you’re not a fucking dairy cow.

Perhaps you should start questioning the underlying notion that you exist in a binary state of either couplehood or singlehood, and that the former is somehow superior to the latter.

After all, you’re the type who “just sort of falls into relationships.” It seems like you’re long past due for some introspection into why you even bother.

Why are you looking for a man? Do you need a man to feel safe? Happy? Fulfilled? Do you want a best friend? A partner in crime? Someone to pay the bills? Do you want kids? Come on, why are you even out there dating? Let me guess, because that’s just what you’re supposed to do.

You have no idea why you’re out there engaging in the courtship ritual. All you’ve got is some nebulous set of external relationship guidelines that you’ve pulled from popular culture and whatever your mother taught you. None of it is relevant to your core self, because you haven’t take the time to reflect on what it is you want out of a relationship.

Now is as good a time as any to start figuring it out. The cool thing is, there’s no wrong answer here. Just be honest with yourself. What do you want?

Not to get all Cheshire Cat up in this bitch, but until you know where you want to go, you’re wasting your time wondering why you’re lost.

Standard
Advice

On playing vs being

I’d appreciate it if you could elaborate on your perspective on playing/being hard to get.

To quote you, you say that playing hard to get works on boys, being hard to get works on men, but you always draw a distinction between being hard to get and impossible to get.

1) What practical difference is there between consciously holding back to stoke interest in a lover, and unconsciously holding back if they both serve the same ends?

2) Is playing/being hard to get even a legitimate tactic in romantic relationships? Isn’t appealing to someone’s desire for what they can’t have just a matter of ego rather than a substantial bond between two people built on mutual affinity?

3) you can’t be naturally hard to get AND consciously making sure you’re not too hard to get. You’ve contradicted yourself.

 

Everything about your question — all of it — falls squarely into the category of playing hard to get. You have yet to even grasp the concept of being hard to get.

Being hard to get isn’t a tactic. It has nothing to do with conscious or unconscious action. It just fucking is.

Stop thinking about it. Let it go. I know you want me to elaborate on the distinction, but until you start getting zen about this shit, it’s only going to frustrate you.

(Sometimes I wish I could end these things with the sound of a gong.)

Standard
Advice

On the teens of today.

What are your feelings on the sex crazed culture facing the teens of today?

1. I don’t accept your premise that our culture is sex crazed, nor that sexuality in general is something that must be “faced” in any adversarial way.

2. Fuck the teens of today. They’ve got it great. Anybody who thinks otherwise doesn’t understand the cyclical nature of society.

Standard
Advice

On finding an equal.

I’m early-thirties, single, good-looking, about to become fairly wealthy from a hot start-up.

I’m trying to break out of my pattern of relationships. Typically I’ll be single for a couple years, some girl that I’m not really into will express some interest and I’ll go on a date to be a good sport, if I’m lonely or desperate I’ll sleep with them and then find myself attached to someone I’m mostly bored by. Then I get sick of it and dump them and it’s a big mess.

It’s not that I can’t approach girls; I just never seem to meet any decent ones who are single. In fact, I can’t even recall the last time I met one. They all seem to have boyfriends — and hell, that makes perfect sense, why wouldn’t a cute, interesting chick have a boyfriend?

The only answer I can come up with is that such girls are /never/ single, they just date a guy until someone better comes along. A friend of mine called that “monkeys swing from trees.” If that’s the case, the only logical course of action is to go ahead and consider girls-with-boyfriends fair game. And that’s sleazy.

About to become wealthy, eh? Well then, your pattern of relationships is gonna change anyway, so I’ll go ahead and skip over this bland question and answer the one you’re guaranteed to have in about a year.

So yeah, instead of boring, not-quite-decent girls occasionally expressing interest in you, your dance card is about to be full of fascinating, attractive women who crave your attention.

Yes, it’s the money.

Your question will be, “How can I tell if they’re really interested in me as a person, and not just enamored with the lifestyle I can provide them?”

Judging by the way you already think of relationships, I can tell you’re already pretty terrified of this. Guys who are looking for a “decent” woman tend to have a massive madonna-whore complex, and when money gets thrown into the mix, it’s a recipe for an unhealthy dynamic.

The trick will be finding your equal, whatever that means to you. Stop looking for a decent girl, and start looking for your equal.

When you’re looking for a decent girl, you’re using an external set of criteria upon which to judge her character. When you’re looking for your equal, you’re using an internal set of criteria. It’s a subtle distinction, but it makes all the difference in the world.

Oh, and if she flinches at a pre-nup, run for the hills.

Standard
Advice

On selfish screamers.

I’m a screamer, and nothing is more infuriating than being told my passion is “too loud” and being tossed something to bite on. What do you suggest I do or say the next time he tells me to keep it down?

How about you try being considerate of those around you and just shut the fuck up? You’re waking up the neighbors, bitch. Nobody wants to hear you cum.

Standard
Best-Of Advice

On grabbing a tiger by the tail

i’ve been dating a girl for about six months now. we basically live together, the sex is great, and i generally enjoy her company. Thing is, we never really had that “talk” that most relationships i’ve been in have started with. you know, the adult version of “wanna go steady.” We’ve talked about not having it, though, and both of us are kind of more comfortable without it.

She’s a gigantic flirt and a true-blue hustler of menfolk everywhere; she works (i mean like once a month) as a dancer, so she’s got regular customers that come into town and take her to dinner, you know the deal. whatever we have would definitely not work if i were the jealous type. i’m comfortable enough with the situation that it doesn’t make me crazy when she spends time with other men; it’s her bread and butter, she was doing it before i came around, and i know that she’s gonna be sleeping in my bed. And she says she appreciates the fact that i’m “the only boy who can tell her no.”

Thing is: lately she’s seemed way more attached to me than usual; i’ll be writing something and she’ll come sit facing me and just stare, or slooooowwwwlly kiss my cheek, or say “i love you” in a really tiny voice (we both crossed the ‘iloveyou’ bridge a while ago. thank you, ecstasy.)

it’s not that i’m looking to sleep with anyone else, but i don’t think i’m ready to be needed this much. i’d imagine that the time for the “talk” is nigh, but i’m not sure how to communicate my side of things without sounding… mean? heartless?

i’ve been “there for her” through a bunch of different problems, and i’d like the relationship to stay the same — casual and fun and supportive. but i don’t want to get any further down Serious Street.

what’s a guy to do?

Mean? Heartless? No, no, no. The word you were looking for is childish.

Not ready to be needed this much? Dude. Don’t flatter yourself. You’ve got one of the cool ones on your arm. Good for you, but don’t let it go to your head.

You may have learned how to grab a tiger by the tail, but that doesn’t mean she’s tame. If you show her weakness or disrespect, she will still eat you alive.

Listen up. Casual, fun and supportive isn’t a stage in a relationship, it’s a style of relationship. You guys could buy a house on the other side of Serious Street to raise a fucking family and your relationship would still be casual, fun, and supportive.

We all know what your real problem is. Deep down, you think you’re too good for her. She’s great for right now, but a whiny little voice in the back of your head keeps saying shit like, “the mother of your children can’t be a stripper.”

That, my friend, is the real problem. You know it, I know it, and don’t think for a second she doesn’t know it.

If there’s anything you need to do here it’s silence that little voice. Thing is, it probably sounds like your mother, so that’s a whole year’s worth of therapy right there.

That voice is wrong. It’s poison. It’s going to prevent you from being true to yourself, and it’s going to keep you thinking like a boy instead of a man.

Trust me on this. I’m sure in all other ways you’ve made a smooth transition into manhood, but this last little thing is holding you back.

You’re an open-minded guy who doesn’t get jealous. Good for you. You’ve lucked into a fantastic relationship with a strong, wild woman. Good for you. Don’t fuck it all up by making this about her “needing” you too much. This is your confusion, not hers.

Standard
Advice

On being young and stupid.

How young do you consider too young to lose your virginity? I am 14, and recently had sex with my boyfriend of about two months. We were smart about it, and I have legitimate feelings for the guy. I don’t regret it at all. Do I even need to pay attention when people get on to me for “being young and stupid”?

Too young? It really depends. Could be thirteen. Could be eighteen. Age is just a number, and the teens are a tricky set of years.

So yeah, you lost your virginity at a young age. So what? You were smart, safe, and you don’t regret being with someone for whom you have legitimate feelings.

Trust me, kiddo. You did better than most.

That’s not to say you won’t fuck up in the future. What they say is true. Everyone your age is young and stupid, but that’s perfectly okay. You’re supposed to be.

You’re gonna do some stupid shit. Fine. Just keep your wits about you as often as possible, and whatever you do, don’t get pregnant.

Standard
Advice

On being a prostitute.

What kind of person can handle being a prostitute? I know you’ve gotten a lot of questions on prostitution, but I really want to know what it takes. Can you ever desensitize yourself enough to really treat it like any other job and keep your self respect and sex life going in at home? I feel like in theory someone could but in reality there’s no way they wont come out damaged. It’s not exactly a low-risk work environment.

Sweetie, you’re not going to make it through this life undamaged. Count on it.

Quite frankly, I’m not even sure I accept the premise of your question. It doesn’t take a special person to “handle” being a prostitute. You don’t inherently lose self respect or a personal sex life.

Plus, what type of prostitution are we talking about here? I’ve said it before, the world is full of sex workers, each with her own set of special circumstances. A stripper has it different than a porn star, and a porn star has it different than an escort.

Let’s assume for the sake of simplicity that you’re talking about a traditional, middle-of-the-road call girl or escort who isn’t streetwalking or supporting a drug habit. I think you’d be surprised how common and everyday most of those girls really are at their core. Sure, they’re desensitized to certain things, but the ones I know have more traditional values than I do.

Desensitization is good, by the way. It’s necessary in a functioning society full of dirty jobs. You may puke your guts out on your first day at the slaughterhouse, but after a couple weeks you’re happy to come home and have a burger, you know? Sure, you’re never gonna look at meat the same way again, but that doesn’t change how good it tastes.

The question is, do you want to see how the sausage is made? Sorry about overextending the metaphor, but that’s really what you should be asking yourself.

Standard
Best-Of Advice

On cheating

What exactly do you classify as cheating?

Willfully participating or conspiring to participate in an act of intimacy with the foreknowledge that your partner would reasonably consider that act to be a breach of the mutually understood and agreed upon terms of the relationship.

Standard
Best-Of Advice

On abortion

I’d really like to know your opinions on abortion.

Personally, I am very pro choice. I think the government and psychotic evangelical christians should keep their laws and opinions off womens bodies.

It frustrates me to no end thinking of how mind-warped and controlling these people are.

I feel that partial birth abortions and having the procedure after a certain amount of time is wrong and very harmful, however i do not feel that a zygote has a brain and soul…

Making the decision to have an abortion is one no woman should ever have to make but i’m thankful that if we do, we can. we can get all the care and counseling we need.

Pro-choice? Fuck that. I’m pro-abortion.

Sure, women should always have the right to choose. That’s a given. For most pro-choice people, that’s enough. Not me. I go further.

I don’t stop at just making the shit legal. I want it to be free, safe, and readily available. And not just abortions. All family planning services. I want school nurses handing out morning-after pills like they were Skittles. Hell, I wish they’d start putting Yaz in the Diet Coke.

Seriously, whatever it takes to stop every last unwanted pregnancy, and maybe even a few of the “wanted” ones. (I’m looking at you, Bristol Palin.)

Standard