I’m sixteen, and I’m not a normal teenager.

I do my homework on time, I’m not a complete ho, I don’t drink, and my parents trust me. I’m not fat, and I’m not disgusting to look at.

But not ONE guy has ever liked me. They look at my friends, but not me. What can I do about it?

Yeah. You are just a normal teenager. Sorry to burst your bubble there, little miss special snowflake.

The good news is that some boy out there definitely has a crush on you. You just can’t tell because you’re busy paying too much attention to who’s checking out your friends.

My advice? Make eye contact and smile. All the time. Do it with everyone. It doesn’t seem like much, but I promise it will change your whole world.

I’m a 22 year old female and I get off on being dominated by older men. Does this mean I have daddy issues?

This is a completely serious question which disturbs me so much I get nauseous from the thought of the two somehow being linked.

Getting off on being dominated by older men doesn’t mean you have daddy issues. Hell, it could just mean you like Sean Connery movies.

I’m wondering why you’re so disturbed, though. Are you nauseated from the thought of daddy issues because your dad actually crossed some boundaries with you? That’s a daddy issue.

If things are all good with your dad, and you’re merely grossed out when he pops into your head while you’re analyzing your sexuality, I’d say a few body shivers at that point are perfectly fucking normal.

No need to freak out.

Okay, my friend and I (we’re both freshman in college) had this crazy idea one day that we would find Sugar Daddies and that would be the end of all our financial worries. With that, we started on a quest to find them and came across a website that seeks to arrange Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationships. Naively, we didn’t think that Sugar Daddies were all about sex but we have quickly discovered Sugar Babies are really just discreet, well-paid part-time prostitutes. We’ve both gotten tons of offers to be pampered and spoiled by some middle-age businessman in exchange for occasional sex and “companionship” (whatever that means). My friend thinks it could be fun, having one Sugar Daddy and putting out for him in exchange for thousands of dollars. But I’m very hesitant to do such a thing, even though the money is tempting. What do you think? How do I go about doing such a thing without losing my dignity or becoming emotionally involved (even though that’s very likely)? Is that even possible?

Naively. Yep, you nailed it. That word pretty much sums up your whole world.

What do you want me to tell you, kiddo? Sugar daddies aren’t benevolent father figures who want to pay your tuition and listen to you talk about your day. They’re rich old men who want to fuck.

Oh, and call yourself what you like, but all prostitutes are discreet, well paid, and part-time. If they were careless, unpaid, and full-time they’d be called wives *badum-CHING*.

I suppose there’s an innocent charm to the term “sugar babies,” but it doesn’t change the fact that you and your friend will be whoring yourselves out for cash and shiny objects.

If that brutal truth is too much to handle, then wish your friend the best and back away from this idea. You can’t afford to have any illusions if you’re gonna do stuff like this. You will be prostituting yourself. That’s fine. Really, I’m not judging, but everybody else will. Count on it.

I just started sleeping with this new guy, and I can’t tell how kinky he is quite yet. I’m the kind of girl that likes a little ass-slapping and hair-pulling. How should I tell him without freaking him out?

Next time you’re fucking, just look over your shoulder, make a little eye contact, and growl, “pull my hair, motherfucker!”

It’s always works for me.

Hey there, I’m writing to settle a dispute.

My girlfriend and I (we’re lesbians) have recently considered playing with a strap-on. She mentioned that she had one that she and an ex had bought together, but since my girlfriend paid for it, she kept it. I’m weirded out by using a strap-on she used on another girl! My girlfriend thinks that’s nonsense. What do you think, to reuse or buy new?

Okay. This is basic sex toy etiquette. If your partner is uncomfortable with a particular sex toy for any reason, don’t use it. Emotional discomfort is just as valid as physical discomfort. If the strap-on bothers you, she doesn’t get to fuck you with it. It’s that simple.

That being said, your girlfriend isn’t obligated to get rid of her old toy. All she has to do is downgrade it to souvenir status and stick it in a drawer. Common courtesy also dictates that since you’re the one who’s being picky, you’re the one who buys the new strap-on.

Is it better to have my first time with someone that I (might) love or a friend?

This is like asking if it’s better to have a peanut butter and jelly or a ham sandwich. They are both equally good, but at any given moment, one of them is clearly the better choice.

I have no way of knowing whether you’re in a PB&J situation or if you need something with a little meat. Whichever you decide, you’ll instantly know the second you take your first bite.

This is what happens when I answer questions after skipping lunch.

I’m drinking gin in studio and making sculptures of lipstick. I should be kissing foxy ceramics majors. Why does my life feel like a long mash up of every John Hughes movie?

Because you’ve idealized Molly Ringwald, and all you know of the eighties is what you see on retro VH1 clip shows. Ah yes, life was so much easier in Shermer, Illinois.

Good luck kissing foxy ceramics majors, though. Those kids really know how to work with their hands. Maybe you need a pop music montage so you can skip ahead to the awkward scene of sexual exploration.

*freeze-frame*

Would you recommend sleeping with a professor, not for a good grade but because I am incredibly attracted to him?

Been there. Done that. Got an A.

seriously, how do you manage the drugs??? i’ve got to fly to europe tomorrow and the strongest stuff i have is ambien. help!!

Yes, well. It all depends on what you mean by the word “manage,” doesn’t it?

If you’re asking how one manages the drugs amidst an otherwise hectic schedule, the answer simple. Some might even say trite. Moderation in all things, including moderation. You just have to be smart about when you get to blow it the fuck out.

If, on the other hand, you’re asking how one carefully manages the supply of illicit chemicals while headlining your way through a European tour so as not to arouse the suspicion of customs officials, the trick involves a carefully worded backstage rider and a complicit tour manager who has an unspoken agreement with a dedicated member of your vanity team who is exclusively responsible for “powdering your nose.”

I’m sure you’ve done this long enough to know there’s always someone at the local venue who’s holding, and as long as you’ve got someone in your camp who knows to ask, you’ll never go without.

Ah, the minor conspiracies of life on the road. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

I love it when rock stars ask for my advice.