What is the distinction between loving someone and being “in love” with them? Aren’t these just arbitrary constructs?

Yes, quite arbitrary.

The classical distinction is that between the concepts of Philia and Eros, the notions of brotherly love versus romantic love.

The modern distinction tends to be less sophisticated, and pretty much boils down to whether you still want to fuck somebody.

Reading your advice, it’s ironic that you would refer to others as cliches when you yourself fit the mould. Your assertiveness, feminine yet durable. Your unwillingness to waiver on your beliefs. I can see someone making a movie about you some day, sort of like a Julie and Julia, except you meet a boy, fall in love and find yourself incapable of following any of your own advice when you have problems with him. The ending however will be subject to your ability to man up and write the truth about everything you’ve ever said before bullshit, or carrying on living a lie. This will be your end. Love conquers all.

Let me get this straight. Durability is a contrast to femininity as it relates to my assertiveness? That’s kind of a mealy-mouthed way of calling women weak willed. You might want to reconsider such poetic usage of the word “yet.”

I’m not even going to take a swing at the fragmented remark about my unwavering beliefs, because it’s safe to assume you don’t have a fucking clue what you’re talking about.

As for my movie, I appreciate your story notes. Given the choice between complete moral bankruptcy or traditional monogamous couplehood, I’m sure my character (played by a perky Amy Adams) will base her decision on such fortune cookie favorites as “love conquers all.”

I can tell you have a real knack for three act structure, and you will no doubt enjoy a shining career as a development executive given your firm grasp on both irony and cliche.

Thanks for your consideration, and best of luck in your future endeavors.

I’m 15 and I recently broke up with my first boyfriend, after 2 and a half years of dating and a year and a half of long distance. I’m over him, but since I was just 13 when I got together with him, I’m new to this whole being single thing, and it bothers me that people see me as available, because I don’t consider myself to be available.

Then I met this guy who I kinda fell for real hard, and he seems to be falling for me too. The thing is, he not only has a girlfriend, he’s one of those people who likes to indulge in other girls while dating someone. People like him always bothered me, but now I just want to take whatever he gives and run with it.

He’s also a really close friend of mine and he shares his problems and all with me, like girl problems, too. And it hurts when he talks about her. A couple of days ago, they were having a huge fight, and I could have gotten in his head and broken them up, I guess, but I didn’t. I told him he should hang on and try to make it work.

Would you say it’s either of the things I’m doing is a good idea? I just need a little help, please.

Your numbers don’t add up, but for the sake of argument lets just go with the stereotype and assume you’re bad at math.

As it stands, you’re a fifteen year old girl coming out of a four year relationship whose primary complaint is that men are finding you too available. Right, well. That’s already nice and creepy.

Let me guess. You’ve had tits since you were eleven, and you come from central Florida or some other third-world country. You’re a little bit overweight, a little bit religious, and you swallow male attention without chewing it.

You’ve figured out the awkward power you have over boys, but you don’t have a fucking clue what to do with it. That makes you a dangerous little creature, a backwoods shotgun wedding waiting to happen.

Whatever you do, sweetie, please don’t get pregnant. I’m willing to bet it’s a long drive to planned parenthood, and you don’t even have a learner’s permit.

As for the stupid mind games you’re playing, just be a good person and treat yourself with respect. I promise, you’ll have lots of crushes. Most of it’s bullshit and none of it really matters for a few more years.

Your only goal should be to learn to love yourself. If you can pull that off before the real world gets you, it’ll be a different kind of life.

I’m a girl, I fancy my best mate, a guy.

Problem: He’s gay.

He’s not been in a relationship in over two years, but when he talks about other guys he likes, I get super jealous.

I really want to get into his pants.

Persuade me he’s a dickhead or tell me rohypnol is OK.

He’s not the dickhead. You are.

Come on, a fag hag who lusts after her gay best friend? You’re a fucked out sitcom cliche. Please go find a heterosexual male to fool around with before you ruin a perfectly good friendship.

I want nothing more than to fuck a friend of mine. Sometimes, I swear that my body is full of electricity when I think about the idea!

The problem here is this: she’s a girl, I’m a girl and I’m not openly bisexual. I haven’t come to terms with this, it’s not an issue, but I’ve never felt this compelled to throw caution to the wind. I’m at odds with what to do because I believe in patiently waiting on what the endurance of a crush really is. Most of the time, it’s just fizzled out sparks.

She and I hang out often, which is something I’m trying not to do as much anymore. She texts me all the time; when she wakes up, with random little things, etc. We can also go for hours texting back and forth with messages that if read, someone would definitely think there was some kind of relationship going. Her flirtation definitely borders on intrusion and in public I can undeniably say we’ve made a lot people uncomfortable. When we drink, our threat level becomes orange because she loves to dance on me. She’ll typically grind on me and it drives me crazy (she does this sober as well) and just taking it is all I can do as to not tear her apart right then and there. Most recently, I think we went a little too far in front of friends. I was drunk, she was high, and I kept feeling up on her butt. This was only because she wanted me to rearrange what she had in her back pockets. I kept rearranging at her beck, but it just looked like I was fondling her and admiring, sort of the way a man holds a woman by her ass and looks down at her. That same night, she wasn’t reluctant to touch my lips with her fingers just to get me to talk after a moment of being silent. That sent a straight up electric shock through me. Her touching my lips is something I don’t want to foolishly over-analyze but what I’m really thinking is, who does that??

When we’re alone, though, it’s different. We’re friends and we giggle about stupid boy stuff, her ex-boyfriend situation, our “moments” and everything else in between. When I made a comment about our borderline flirting to our group of friends, they just returned with “that’s just how Jane Doe is!” And when I confided in another friend about how often Jane Doe wants to hang out, she noted how someone had actually thought Jane Doe had been “on my ass” lately.

If I had none of this to add on to the fact that she broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago and is definitely trying to live it up, then I could easily say that she’s not interested.

I don’t want to ruin what can definitely thrive as a friendship. I don’t want to ruin the dynamic I’ve got with my friends and I don’t want to complicate anything in my life at the moment by making a stupid mistake as in believing this girl is into me when really it might just be that I’m seeing what I want to see. But she can go very far in what she says to me and if she wants to fuck, I really want to fuck her too.

Damn. Now I want to fuck her too. You paint a vivid picture, sweetie.

Here’s the thing. Odds are, she wants to experiment, even if it’s just once. If you want it to be with you, the trick is to make her feel safe and let her know that it won’t affect the friendship.

You’re both girls, but to pull this off you’re gonna have to man up. She’s a flirt, a tease. She’s the type who likes it when guys take control. Well, now that guy is you. You have to make the first move. It has to be firm. No hesitation.

Pick an evening where it’s just the two of you. Set the mood. Plan it out in your mind. Hell, this weekend is Valentine’s Day. You’re both broken up. It’s a perfect opportunity to playfully be each others valentines. Make it a girls night and don’t take it too seriously. Once you’re back at your place and both slightly toasted, pin her up against the wall and kiss her like you’ve always wanted to.

Keep going. Whatever you do, don’t stop. Don’t start talking, and don’t get all giggly. Just get lost in the moment, and you’ll be naked together in no time.

Afterwards, you can both blame it on Valentine.

Or, you can fuck each other again.

Best of luck.

Dating your best friend?

Bad idea.

You can fuck ‘em. You can even marry ‘em. Whatever you do, don’t date ‘em.

i want to kiss the scruffy faces of ruggedly handsome men and the ass-soft cheeks of beautifully feminine girls

why does the world seem to think i’m such a bad person because of that?

The world doesn’t think you’re a bad person. A few ignorant, close-minded people who’ve been poisoned by religion think that.

If you also happen to be good looking, you can be sure to add a few good old fashioned haters to the list. Those miserable jealous fucks don’t need religion. Haters gonna hate.

In either case, ignore them. Pity them. Better yet, taunt them.

Whatever you do, don’t start thinking the world gives a fuck.

I’m sixteen years old and in my second semester of college, which makes people think that I’m super smart and talented and that I’m going places. Ha. Right. Really, I’m just here because I needed to get out of high school ASAP and, at the time, college seemed like the best option.

The thing is, now I feel trapped. My parents are paying loads of money to send me here, and I can’t help them out because no one wants to hire a sixteen-year-old chick that can’t drive and has no job experience. Plus, I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life. Right now, I’m focusing on neuroscience and psychology, but neuropsychology isn’t exactly a field you should enter without being damn sure it’s what you want to do with your life, and I’m just not.

Don’t get me wrong: neuropsychology is a ridiculously fascinating subject. I could literally go on about all the different disorders for ages upon ages. It’s just, I’m scared that I’m never going to visit Egypt and England and Japan, or publish a hilariously bad romance novel, or do any of the things that I told myself I would when I was a little kid. I’m stuck being this girl that people think is smarter than she actually is, trying to live up to their expectations, and, fuck, isn’t sixteen too young to be having a mid-life crisis?

Whoa. Chill the fuck out, kid.

You’re not trapped. You’re just in a bubble, and you have no sense of scale. At your age, you could go off and have an entire career in neuropsychology, decide to change paths, and still be young enough to qualify as a cast member for MTV’s Real World.

Also, your parents want to pay for you education. It’s a point of personal pride for them. The work-study wage you can’t earn yet is a drop in the fucking bucket anyways, so stop feeling guilty and start taking advantage of the situation.

The only expectations you have to live up to are your own, and I’m guessing that you know damn well what you’re capable of doing. Hell, you could have a fucking PhD and still need a fake ID to buy beer.

Life is long, kiddo. Knock college out like you did high school, and then go off and do something cool. When you’re done, go do something else. After that, write a shitty book or go to Egypt.

You’ve got plenty of fucking time.

If you say coke is harmless (use not abuse) then why is everyone telling me it IS harmful? I’m asking because I don’t know what to believe right now, not because I’m against drugs or anything.

I didn’t say coke is harmless. It has its risks. So do french fries and asian drivers, but hey, that’s life in the big city.

Good for you, by the way. Not knowing what to believe is an excellent first step. Keep questioning authority. Learn to spot political agendas. Recognize when you’re being sold.

Believe whatever you want, kid. Just remember — belief isn’t knowledge, and knowledge sure as hell isn’t wisdom.