are you like skinny as fuck cause of all that coke?

I wish. Besides, that whole cocaine chic thing is a myth. You have to be a straight-up crackhead for that shit to markedly effect your weight. A fuck ton of skinny chicks do blow, but correlation doesn’t equal causation.

I have a new interest in this guy in my Spanish class. Me and him are always scribbling away and drawing pictures instead of practicing hallway dialogue in a foreign language, and it’s obvious he has that creativity thing going which I just love. My life so far has been all hookups and friends with benefits, and I want this guy to notice me in a date-able way. We’ve talked and hung out alittle bit at school but aren’t close. Any advice?

Have you read my blog? You realize I’m a filthy coke whore who spends her nights getting fucked up in Hollywood clubs, right?

I’m probably not the best person to ask for advice on the artsy boy in Spanish class. The last time I passed someone a note in study hall your mom was still a virgin, and in my world if you want a guy to notice you in a date-able way, you give him a really good blowjob.

Seriously, I don’t mind it when teenagers ask me questions, but I’m not Judy fucking Blume.

I’m 16. I’ve been dating this guy for 10 months, but I can tell we’re going to last for at least a while. It’s not love, but who, at 16, even knows what love IS? I’ve never been addicted to any substance, but I had partaken in smoking weed about half a dozen times with a trustworthy girlfriend of mine, and he knows. Now, he is asking me to never smoke again, and never to drink, even though I have never been drunk, and the last time I smoked was months ago. Nothing happened to spark his demand this of me. He just decided. I have been wanting to smoke again with that friend, but I’m not sure how to confront him about it. I refuse to lie and act like it never happened after I have done it. What should I do?

He just decided? Excuse me, but where does he get off making decisions on your behalf?

Never smoke? Never drink? Fuck that guy. Never surrender your free will, and never put up with an ultimatum.

It’d be one thing if he had genuine concerns about your health or well being, but this sounds like some tight-ass moral objection to getting a little stoned. You don’t have to obey him. Simply tell him no.

You’re fucking sixteen years old. Boyfriends are fruit-flavored candy at that age. If he does anything but respect your wishes while following you around like a puppy dog, end the relationship so fast that his pointy little head spins.

Does playing hard-to-get (in order to get a guy) actually work?

Playing hard-to-get works on boys. Being hard-to-get works on men. In either case, don’t confuse hard with impossible.

how do you feel about anorexics?

Bless their hearts, but get them the fuck out of my life.

Not to sound overly harsh, but I’m not running a psych ward over here. Regardless of any compassion I might feel, people with psychiatric disorders need a clinical setting, and given the choice I prefer to surround myself with mental health instead of mental disease.

I’m afraid I’ve killed my chances of being anyone’s dream girl. I crave perfection. I’m scared that it’s an odd obsession. How do I get as close to perfect as possible?

Wow. Your mother really fucked you up, huh?

Listen, Barbie. You’re an idiot for wishing to be someone’s dream girl, and all this stuff about perfection is just plain crazy talk.

Get a grip.

How do I make a friend with benefits into a boyfriend? Without a miracle…
xoxo

You’ve already defined the nature of the relationship, so attempting to redefine it will be tricky if not impossible. If you succeed, you will end up with a boyfriend for a little while. If you fail, you will lose both your friend and the benefits.

It’s an awfully big risk for relatively little reward.

Why do you want to modify the relationship? Are you jealous of his romantic interests? Are you just in the mood to have a boyfriend? Are you in love?

If you really are in love, my suggestion would be that you pull back a bit and see what happens. Be open and honest about your feelings, but don’t corner him.

Let him know you’ve fallen in love, but that you recognize the nature of your friendship, and you don’t want to put him in an awkward position.

Tell him you still want to be in his life, but that it wouldn’t be fair for either of you to keep sleeping together. Go platonic on him. Nothing physical. Be strong.

If you’re lucky, he’ll realize what he’s lost and come knocking on your door as a romantic interest, and then you’re on the road to couplehood.

More than likely though, it will be a graceful exit from a doomed situation and both of you will eventually move on.

Either way, you’ll be a stronger woman who’s earned his respect.

What crime against fashion do you think is worth murdering someone over?

I take a firm stance against fashion police brutality, although I will admit that I’ve never found words on a t-shirt clever enough to outweigh the tacky.

what do you think of miley cyrus?

I resent the implication that I should have an allotment of brain cells dedicated to Miley Cyrus.

I don’t give a waxed cunt-hair about her, and neither should you.

Since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend earlier this year, I’ve opted to do a lot more fucking around than “legitimate dating.” If I’m asked about it by the men I hook up with, I’m not one to hide the fact that ‘no, you’re not the only one I’m banging.’ Honesty is best, I figure.

One of these men recently suggested that I’m approaching my sex life in this manner because I hate men. I’m not feeling it; I’m just burnt out on relationships but still want to have fun, ya know? The comment has stuck with me however, and I wonder — could this be possible? Could I be fucking around and daring to be candid about it because I have some sort of axe to grind?

It’s not that you have an axe to grind. You may be dealing with some residual anger toward one man in particular, but that’s a far cry from hating men.

What you’re doing is actually a pretty transparent defense mechanism. You’re dropping a bomb in the name of honesty to explode potential relationships before you get too close to be vulnerable.

You’re not being candid with the truth, you’re weaponizing it.

It’s perfectly fine to fuck around all you like, but being emotionally honest requires that you be open about it up front.

A guy you’re regularly banging shouldn’t need to ask whether he’s the only one. It’s not any of his business who else you’re fucking, but it’s also not fair for you to lead him on when you’re romantically unavailable.