Dear Coquette,

Is cheating on your partner wrong in every circumstance? How about cheating and not telling?

There’s quite a bit of room to define the scope of infidelity within the context of a given relationship, but cheating is wrong. Cheating is always wrong. That’s why it’s called cheating.

If you’re capable of asking this question with a straight face, then your problem is that you don’t feel guilt if you do something wrong. You only feel shame if you get caught doing wrong.

That’s evidence of a nasty little streak of narcissism, and it’s a serious character flaw.

Why are so many people afraid of gay marriage when it really as no effect on their own lives and how they choose to live them?

Gay marriage may not have any effect on the lives of its opponents, but in their pointy little heads, it has an effect on their way of life.

They’re defending a religious value system that is a part of their identity. Gay marriage is a threat to that identity, and you can always count on small-minded people going berserk when something threatens their identity.

A few nights ago I made out with a stranger and gave him my number. We’ve texted a few times since then and made vague plans to meet up again, but after sobering up I realized I’m not particularly attracted to the guy and would rather just forget it happened. Am I obligated to at least go out to dinner? Is there a simple way to say “sorry, not actually interested,” or should I just stop responding? If the tables were turned I wouldn’t want someone to just flake out on me, nor would I want to waste time on someone who’s definitely just there out of guilt.

Yeah, no. You’re not obligated to go to dinner with this dude. Since you’ve already spent an evening making out with him and scheduled vague plans, it’s a bit too late to politely reject him by saying that you’re simply not available.

Most girls in your position just start ignoring the guy, but the slightly more dignified thing to do is text him the following: “I’m sorry, but I need to break off our plans. I’m not comfortable dating right now. What we had was just a one-night thing. Thanks for understanding.”

You can stop responding after that, but it’s disrespectful to leave the dude hanging. This is basic golden rule stuff. Treat him how you would want to be treated if the tables were turned.

Dear Coquette,

Over the past four years, I’ve been laid off twice and ultimately spent 16 months unemployed. My self-esteem, marriage, finances and career are in various states of ruin. Presently, I’m underemployed and bitter. I don’t know where to begin. How do I engage the second act of my life?

I fought hard to carve out a career in an industry that I always dreamed about working in. While I treasure that achievement, I have no idea where to begin anew. I feel the weight of supporting a family in my thoughts of career change.

On top of that, after 14 years of marriage and two small children, our relationship has crumbled. I feel a tremendous burden of guilt at the thought of putting my children through our divorce. I know what it did to me as a child.

I’ve been in therapy for over a year now and I’m making some progress. I don’t know that I can get her into couples therapy, but I do know it is the only thing that might save us.

I understand that the shitstorm is going on all around us. I’ve just run out of juice to fight it off. What the hell do I do next?

Take care of your kids, man. That’s it. That’s all.

As for your career, there is no difference between the achievement you treasure and the bitterness you feel. They are the same thing. Let that mess go.

While you’re at it, take your self-esteem and shove it up your ass. It doesn’t deserve a spot on your list of things in ruin. Get your ego out of the equation, because it’s in the way of things that actually matter.

As for your marriage, quit whining and take action. Get your wife into couples therapy. Turn “for worse” into “for better.” Do it for your kids, and if you can’t pull it off, keep the divorce amicable.

This is your life, dude. It’s not a shitstorm. You’re just in a transitional phase. It’s not your first, it won’t be your last, and you don’t get to run out of juice. Suck it up and keep going. You may not have it easy, but you’ve got it a hell of a lot better than most. Never forget that.

Oh, and did I mention? Take care of your kids, man. That’s it. That’s all.

Dear Coquette,

I’m about to enter a job where I’m the only girl in the room with three dudes. Our jobs have more or less equal standing and are all positions of power over a group of about 40 people (men and women represented almost 50/50). These are all dudes that I respect and trust and who I know respect and trust me in return. I’m not worried about harassment or sexism per se, but I’ve been alive long enough to know that it would be foolish to think that gender wouldn’t play a role in some ways.

These dudes identify as feminists, and we’ve already talked about trying to make sure that we’re aware of our gender dynamics, particularly with regards to the other people we’re responsible for. I’m just wondering if you think that gender is always a presence in power dynamics, and if so, what things I (we) should do to make sure we’re being good people with regards to gender in a work space.

I wouldn’t say that gender is always a presence in power dynamics, but I would say that power is always a presence in gender dynamics. It’s a subtle distinction not to be overlooked.

If the three dudes you work with identify as feminists, then you’re already way ahead of the game in terms of workplace ethics. Feminism is about equality, after all, and if you’ve already established an open dialogue with your co-workers about gender dynamics, then I’m sure you’ll be able to deal with pretty much any situation that comes along.

Here’s hoping that everyone stays cool.

If you sell the Western ideal of beauty (as you don’t buy into it) and we can’t afford it, what happens?

The Western ideal of beauty is not a commodity that can be bought or sold. It is a form of embodied cultural capital that can only be transmitted or acquired by those with privilege.

To say you can’t afford the Western ideal of beauty is to suggest that you want to possess it, but you don’t have the means to acquire it.

If you want to know what happens when you want something only available to a privileged few, it’s the same thing that always happens: envy.

I’ve come to the realization that my whole life, I’ve been nothing but an imitation of all the things I see and experience around me. I’m not interesting or extraordinary, like I deluded myself to think. I don’t think it’s too late for me to stop being boring and unoriginal, add the things I lack from my life, and find hobbies I enjoy. The real question here is, how do I find myself?

If you really want to find yourself, try coming to realizations without using the words “I,” “me,” or “my.”

Dear Coquette,

My younger sister just called me today and said she’s getting married tomorrow. She’s only 18, works at Wal-Mart (so does the guy she’s marrying). She isn’t making any effort to go to college, has never lived on her own, and she’s known this guy for six months. They have no place to live other than my grandparents’, and they don’t make enough money to pay for rent in even the cheapest places around. She says she knows he’s “the one” and doesn’t want to live with him first because our grandparents are very religious and wouldn’t like it (yet she doesn’t even believe in God).

I told her these facts (while trying the best I could not to sound judgmental) and she screamed back, “I thought you would be supportive! You don’t love me! You don’t care about anyone but yourself! We know what we’re doing so forget you!” and then she hung up. I’m really worried about her. She’s a talented musician and I feel like she’s throwing her life away. I’m also hurt that she would get married while I’m on the other side of the country and can’t be there, and that she can so easily assume I don’t love her just because I’m trying to look out for her. I don’t know what to do. I know she has to live her life and make her own decisions, but it’s hard for me to accept that completely when I’ve practically raised her for years.

Slow your roll, Mama Bear. I know you feel like your little sister is throwing her life away, but you can’t tell her that, because right now your little sister feels like she’s finally starting her life.

Problem is, both of you are right.

In other words, you have to back off and let her screw this one up on her own. I’m not saying you have to support her decision. I’m just saying you have to recognize that it’s her decision to make.

Disapprove all you want, but try not to be disrespectful, even in the face of her disrespect. It’s a fine line, especially considering your relationship has a distinct mother/daughter vibe. Just remember, she’s the teenager. You’re the adult.

Tread lightly. Every time you tell your little sister that she’s throwing her life away, you’re just confirming what she already thinks everyone believes: that she’s trash.

Let’s be honest: She’s a teenage Wal-Mart bride. She’s a trailer park and a broken condom away from being a Jeff Foxworthy punchline. You don’t think she feels that? Of course she does. She’s keenly aware of your disapproval about her life decisions, and like all rebellious teenagers, she’s gonna lash out. As a mother figure, naturally, you’re going to catch the brunt of it.

Also, do not doubt for one second that she’s head-over-heels in love. That kind of thing is blinding when it happens to level-headed adults, so try to imagine it from the perspective of someone barely old enough to buy cigarettes.

The last six months have been the happiest of your sister’s entire life. Does that mean she should’ve gotten married? Of course not, but there’s nothing you’re gonna say to convince her otherwise. She’s love-stoned. All you can do is ride it out and pray that she doesn’t end up pregnant before the inevitable divorce.

Dear Coquette,

When you think of the word “demographics,” do you think it strongly suggests race?

I am a teacher, and I made a comment at an all-faculty meeting that “the demographics at our school are very different than that of another school (so we cannot just assume that what works at one school will work at another).” The other school is mainly white, upper-middle-class, and our school is very different in terms of race, lower socioeconomic status, attitude and enormous size.

The principal called me out, stating that the term “demographics” is (and can be perceived as) racist.

This has devastated me. I told the principal that demographics means far more than just race, and that had nothing to do with the topic of my comment. He stated that other administrators also felt the comment was racist, which means my previously stellar reputation has been damaged. He would not back down that the comment was racist despite my repeated explanations, so I ended the conversation by stating that I was sorry if I offended anyone, but if they were offended, it was because they do not understand the definition of demographics AND that if I were to go back in time, I would make the same comment again.

Can you share your strength with me? I am so livid that I want to go back and talk to him, but he was so stubborn at the previous meeting, I really do not think I can survive a “round two.” Did I do the right thing in standing my ground?

Demographics are statistical characteristics. The particular characteristics aren’t implied in the nature of the word itself, but obviously, if you use the term to separate white from black, rich from poor, or white-collar from blue-collar, you’re asking for trouble in a room full of entrenched bureaucrats from the public education system.

What you said wasn’t racist. It was racial. There’s a huge difference, but that kind of subtle distinction doesn’t matter when you’re dealing with school administrators. Those are people steeped in political correctness. They can’t help themselves. They’re institutionally programmed long before they’re given a position of authority.

It doesn’t matter whether your point was obvious or valid. (No doubt it was both.) What matters is that you failed to communicate your point in the accepted vernacular of the institution. What you should have said is that your school is more “diverse.” At the moment, “diversity” is the acceptable terminology with your intended meaning, and if you had made a case for your school’s “diversity issues,” I doubt anyone would have batted an eye.

Yes, this is insane. No, there’s nothing you can do about it. Whatever you do, don’t go back and give the principal a piece of your mind, because you’ll just catch another round of shaming.

Being right will never win you this argument, because it doesn’t matter whether you’re right. What matters is whether you’re correct, so don’t waste your time “standing your ground” until you’ve also fallen in line with the politically correct language of the institution.

That’s how this game works.

Dear Coquette,

I’m getting married in the fall. My fiancé and I want a very small wedding, held outside, with a nonreligious ceremony. My parents are livid. I am 25, not 17. Why do they care so much? They are not even that religious!

In their community and amongst their group of friends, your nonreligious wedding ceremony will reflect negatively on their status as good parents. They’re insulted. It doesn’t matter whether privately they aren’t all that religious. You’re embarrassing them publicly, and to put it bluntly, your happiness is less important to them than whatever shame they might feel.

If they’re not chipping in on the cost of the wedding, then they should definitely shut the hell up. Even if they are helping you pay for it, they should still shut the hell up, but it starts to get a little sticky if they think they’ve bought the right to dictate the proceedings.

I’m sorry to say, I’ve seen a lot of this kind of thing happen as friends have gotten married in nontraditional ceremonies. I tend to think of it as yet another example of how notoriously narcissistic Baby Boomers can be when their children challenge their sense of entitlement.

Then again, I would never claim to be free of generational bias. As the kids of Boomers, we can certainly be brats too, but this is one of those times where mom and dad need to suck it up and respect your wishes.

You’re adults. This is your wedding. End of discussion.

My boyfriend has had sex with 53 people before me, and admitted to doing lots of cheating before me. Obviously I care about him and I’m not gonna end things over his past, but I’m kind of worried … Does once a manwhore mean always a manwhore?

I know you won’t take my advice, but I’m gonna give it to you anyway. Break up with this guy immediately. It’s not because he’s a manwhore, nor is it because he’s admitted to past infidelities (although neither of those things bode well for your relationship).

No, the real reason you should break up with him is because he knows (or pretends to know) the exact number of people he’s slept with in the upper double digits. It’s not about him having sex with a lot of people. It’s about the fact that he keeps a running tally.

Trust me on this. Once a dude’s exploits fall outside the realm of easily remembered single digits, keeping a precise set of sexual statistics is more than just a little bit creepy. It’s also a red flag that says he’s got something really unhealthy to prove.

I know staying with him is your mistake to make, but I promise that you’re making one.

Dear Coquette,

Last night an ex sent me an email in which he informed me that he resents me for convincing him not to kill himself four years ago. It’s been two years since we were together, near as long since we’ve talked, so when he sent me a message a few weeks ago asking me to answer some questions about why we didn’t work out so that he could avoid making the same mistakes in the future, I tried to be as civil and kind as I could.

I took the responsibility for the stuff between us that was my fault and tried to extend an olive branch. Our relationship was unhealthy and destructive to both parties (for so many reasons — it was a pretty stereotypical “No one understands us because we’re so unique and we’re such close friends, but really everyone has been through this same scenario” type of deal). I feel like since then I’ve had a lot of opportunities to grow up and quit being such a selfish, whiny bitch. I’m getting to a place where I’m finally happy with who I am or at least the fact that I’m trying to be a better person than I was even if I’ll never be perfect. I told him that I felt like growing personally has given me the tools to be a better friend and that I don’t regret breaking it off with him. I’m even in a happy, healthy relationship now. I had hoped that he had grown up a bit too. Then, I got this:

“Do you remember when [ex-girlfriend] broke up with me, and I called you? What was going on at the time was that I had decided to kill myself, and I felt good about it. I was calm, collected, and I knew what I was going to do, and you were soon in tears. I want you to know how much I resent that. I would have been gone, but you couldn’t handle that and I had to listen to you cry about it until I agreed not to kill myself. I want you to know that all the shit I went through since that point was for you. So when it comes down to your personal growth versus our friendship, you need to know that I am choosing sides, and the choice you made is not okay with me.”

This sort of baiting, dramatic crap is part of why I’m glad he’s not (usually) in my life anymore. I was so mad at the time that he couldn’t take responsibility for his own life and just be happy for me that I wrote out a horribly long-winded response about how his happiness is not my responsibility and how he treats himself like shit and therefore creates a shit life for himself … is it even worth sending? I’ve made my apologies and my conscience is clear as far as the relationship between us goes, so should I just forget about it and cut him off forever or should I finally take off the kid gloves and let fly with all the things I always thought he was too weak to hear and then cut him off forever?

Don’t take the bait. Don’t hit back. Whatever you do, don’t email him your horribly long-winded response. That’s what he wants. You think that all the stuff you have to say is poison, but for a guy like him, it’s fuel. You wouldn’t be hurting him if you hit “Send.” You’d be justifying his miserable existence.

This guy is vindictive, manipulative and potentially dangerous. You’re not obligated to keep that kind of chaos in your life, and you are not responsible for his actions.

Just cut him off. Cut him off forever. Do not speak or respond to him again, ever. If you’re lucky, he’ll just go away, but if he keeps attempting to make contact with you, stay strong. No matter what he says or does, do not engage.

If he threatens any kind of violence, be it to himself or others, even then do not engage. Just call the police and report it, but let them know that you do not want to be involved in any way.

I know it sounds dark, but even if he ends up mentioning you by name in his suicide note as a final little fuck-you, do not engage. That’s how far you need to take this.

I hope I’m being crystal clear about what it means to cut someone out of your life forever, and for your own sake, I hope you’re strong enough to actually do it.

Dear Coquette,

This guy likes me, and I really enjoy spending time with him, but he still dresses like a high school stoner. How do I casually suggest that if we are going to be in a relationship that he needs to start dressing like an adult?

A grown-ass man dresses like a high school stoner because he doesn’t know any better. He simply doesn’t think about it.*

All you have to do is show him what looks good. I promise, when clothes feel right and fit him well, he’ll get it. Plus, if he really likes you, you don’t have to waste your time casually suggesting a change. You can just hit him hard and fast with your standards in one solid weekend of shopping.

Take him to the mall. Show him what you’d prefer he wear. Don’t hold back. When he comes out of the dressing room looking good, flatter the hell out of him. Make sure he winds up with a couple of outfits that you both like.

Don’t expect a complete shift in his appearance overnight, but definitely keep nudging him in the right direction.

Does listening to Odd Future make me a bad feminist? Is it possible to listen to and/or purchase music with misogynistic lyrics without implicitly endorsing the parts of it one finds offensive?

Listening to Odd Future doesn’t mean you’re a bad feminist. It just means you have awful taste in music. That’s okay, though. Listen to what you like, and don’t waste your time being offended by lyrics, especially ones by teenage douchebags.

Being offended gives acts like Odd Future more power than they deserve. Then again, so does purchasing their music, so if possible, don’t pay for it.

The important thing is to keep recognizing misogyny when you see it. If you can spot it, then you can reject it, even if it’s embedded in media you purposefully consume. If enough people learn to recognize and reject misogyny, over time, the culture shifts and progress is made.

I’m about to break up with my boyfriend of about a year and a half. It has been long distance for the last nine months and my feelings have fizzled. He really wants to stay together but it’s not working for me. My question is: What do I do with the New Yorker subscription he gave me for Christmas? Enjoy the last 10 months? Forward it to his address?

Keep the subscription. He doesn’t need a weekly reminder of his ex-girlfriend, and I have a feeling you really get those cartoons.