Author Archives: CQ

Best-Of Advice

On understanding suicide

Three years ago my brother tried to commit suicide. He was fifteen then, which is how old I am now. A month ago he tried to kill himself again. He came home from the hospital a week ago, and I’m ecstatic to have him back again, but I’m also extremely angry at him. He didn’t see my mom just about die or my dad break down, or my sister fly halfway across the country to come home for him. My family almost fell apart over this, and it kills me to know that, and I know that if he knew that it would hurt him too. 

For three years I’ve been trying to figure out why he tried to kill himself, and I still can’t grasp it. I understand depression and I deal with SAD myself, but I just can’t see why he hates his life so, so much. We live a lovely life, he’s a smart kid, and extremely popular. People adore him. And more importantly, we love him. So I just don’t understand why my brother hates his life so much.

Am I being selfish or ignorant? How can I understand my brother better? I’d really like to.

 

You say you want to understand your brother, but I get the feeling that you’d rather your brother just understand you.

You’re angry, and you want him to see the world as you see it. You want him to acknowledge his lovely life, his popularity, and how much he is adored.

In your mind, you think those external conditions are enough to keep him from wanting to kill himself. You’re the type who says, “If only he knew how much we loved him, he wouldn’t want to kill himself.”

You couldn’t be more wrong. This isn’t about you.

Once again, this isn’t about you. You have to know that. It has to be your guiding principle when talking with your brother about this.

Don’t assume that he hates his life. Those are your words. Did you ask him why he attempted suicide? Don’t assume that he feels popular or adored just because you see him that way. Do you know how your brother feels about himself?

Ask him.

Start a conversation with him. Don’t challenge him. Don’t try and help him. Don’t even come from a place where you assume he needs help. Just come from a place of unconditional love.

If you want to understand your brother, talk to him about life and death rather than his suicide attempts. Talk to him about love and relationships rather than his popularity. Talk to him about his purpose and his future rather than his depression.

We’re all going to die one day. The fact that your brother tried to speed up the process probably isn’t the most interesting thing about him. Find out what is.

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Advice

On enforcing your emotional space.

My dad just died after a particularly vicious battle with cancer. While I appreciate people’s condolences, I’m just sick of them. I’m sick of everyone I see bringing it up and asking me how I am. The truth is, I feel like shit. I watched my dad’s body rot for 3 years of my teenage life, and it wasn’t a picnic. I feel like everyone expects me to just be okay with it now, even though it’s only been a month. I guess my question is, how do I make people stop talking about it? Currently my solution is to be a raging bitch every time people ask inappropriate questions or try to hug me, but I’m not certain that it’s the best method. I just want to be left alone to mourn in peace. So how do I civilly let people know to shut the fuck up?

Just dial it back from raging bitch to stone cold rude.

Enforce your emotional space just like you enforce your physical space. If someone brings up your dad’s death, simply look them in the eye and say “I’d rather not talk about it.”

Be firm. Be rude. This is one of those times where it’s completely appropriate to end the conversation abruptly. People will understand being cut off.

If someone insists on pressing the issue, leave the room. Don’t make a scene. Don’t be a raging bitch. Just excuse yourself. You don’t owe them an explanation, after all they’re the one’s violating your emotional space.

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Advice

On my icon.

Who is the woman that is your icon for Dear Coke Talk? I’m so curious.

That is Miss Dolly Parton, O.G. diva bad-ass and living legend. She’s my icon in every sense of the word. They call her the iron butterfly, and women like Oprah and Martha Stewart learned everything they know about building a media empire from Dolly. At my fantasy dinner party, she sits next to Debbie Harry.

The photo is from the movie Straight Talk, a silly little comedy-of-errors in which she is mistakenly hired as a radio talk show psychologist who gives homespun advice to callers.

Now you get it?

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Advice

On labels.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Do you have an opinion on feminism and womens rights in general?

Again with the reductionist labels. Sure, I’m a feminist — whatever the fuck you think that means. It’s easier just to nod to a question like this than to get into a semantic argument.

If you insist on pigeonholing me, I’m also an upper-middle class professional bisexual polyamorous existential nihilist anarcho-capitalist hedonistic objectivist secular humanist west-coast hipster party girl. Do the math on that.*

* For those of you who actually did the math and wrote letters, please stop taking me so seriously. I don’t give a flying fuck about Ayn Rand, and I swear to god I’m not interested in politics. Especially yours. You really are just proving my point about the dangers of reductionist labels as cocktail party words.

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Advice

On keeping it edible

When discussing oral sex, my boyfriend expresses open disgust at going down on a woman who isn’t clean and hair-free “down there” (His words, not mine). I have no problem with this seeing as I regularly get it waxed and have done so before meeting him. Anyway, he refuses to go down on me unless I’m “clean” which I completely understand and have no problem with. However, when I tell him he isn’t getting head unless he’s hair-free, he says he “doesn’t get it”, and I should give him head anyway. When I say the same thing back to him he gets angry. Is it just me, or is he exercising some royally fucked up double standard that isn’t cool at all?

Your boyfriend turns up his nose at a little salty pussy, and he’s too delicate to take a razor to his balls. He’s a real manly man, huh?

There is no double standard here. Nobody likes to floss with pubic hair, and of all the things guys do for a blowjob, a little personal grooming isn’t too much to ask for.

Your boyfriend is being a spoiled little bitch, and it sounds like he’s got a sense of entitlement when it comes to oral sex.

Never put up with anyone who tells you that you “should” do something in bed that you don’t want to do.

If he doesn’t shave, don’t suck his dick. When he whines like a little girl, shut him up by sitting on his fucking face.

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Advice

On mysterious cold sores.

last night my roommate and i shared 2 joints. i woke up with a fucking cold sore on my lip. we never really share anything like drinks or clips very often..and i’m not going to lie, she’s slept around since she broke up with her boy this past july. i’ve been on a little bit of a dry spell this semester so i know some boy didn’t give me this damn coldsore. anyways…she has a new boyfriend now, but shit….should i be worried?

Are you serious? Do you really think it’s possible to contract herpes from a joint and then break out with a cold sore all in the span of twelve hours?

That shit can lay dormant. You could have gotten it from any number of people in the past few months or even years. Come to think of it, is this even your first cold sore? You sound like you’ve had them before, in which case, why the hell are you trying to make your roommate out as patient zero?

And by the way — fuck you for throwing her under the bus with that “I’m not going to lie” comment. She can sleep around with whomever she pleases, and you’d be wise not to blame your stress blisters on her fun.

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Advice

On acid.

My friend and I finally have an acid hook up, but I’m really nervous about it. I’ve tried robotripping which has been good, but i imagine this shit will be really intense, and I don’t want some 12 hour panic attack. So, to drop or not to drop?

Your only frame of reference for LSD is fucking cough syrup, so yeah. What do you want me to say?

I’m not going to make this decision for you. No one else should either.

I will say that with LSD, the best way to end up with a twelve hour panic attack is to expect a twelve hour panic attack. Being in a good state of mind is key, so whatever you do, chill the fuck out.

You may want to consider asking yourself what you want to get out of it. You have the opportunity to expand your mind a bit, or you have the opportunity to giggle at MTV for a few hours. Don’t waste it.

Do a little spring cleaning in your head before you drop. Read some poetry or listen to some classical music. Consider it the equivalent of stretching before a workout.

You don’t have to be serious, but take LSD seriously. Especially at first.

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Advice

On being a kinky bastard.

I never have sex with my girlfriend because the things I want to do in bed are things that would make her break up with me. I don’t think she’s into Sasha Grey type porn, and I don’t want the police called on me for trying to find out.

Um, did you ever consider sitting down with your girlfriend and, you know… talking to her?

Use your words, big guy. Don’t assume that she’s not into Sasha Grey type porn, but then again don’t start spitting in her mouth and throwing lit matches on her without a little pre-game pow-wow.

Give her a heads up, get her permission, and pick a safe word.

If she’s not down, at least your break-up won’t involve law enforcement.

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Advice

On putting him in his place

I don’t have orgasms when I have sex. I’m honestly not that worried about it because I have a pretty damn good time regardless, but the guy I’m screwing right now has told me I am one of two girls he has ever slept with that couldn’t have one. First off, I really don’t believe this and I think he has just been fooled by a good fake orgasm one too many times. But still, it gets really annoying when he says shit like that like there is something wrong with me so what kind of sarcastic and on point comments do you advise using when shit like this comes up?

If you want to crush his ego, fake an orgasm. When he acts all pleased, tell him you faked it and that he’s one of two guys you’ve ever slept with that couldn’t tell.

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Advice

On the friend who gets slapped around.

I really need this answered, ct. My friend’s been in a really destructive relationship for the past 3 years. Controlling, possessive, jealous freak, unreasonable, hits her, slaps her, you name it. But she still loves him, cliche i know. how the fuck do i convince her to leave him? last straw happened when he hit her last night for hanging out with me and my friends. wtf. any advice would be appreciated. thanks a ton.

There is no easy answer here, because almost any active decision you make could easily lead to the destruction of your friendship.

I’ve been around this situation more than once, and as much as it’s clear who the victim is, it never ceases to amaze me how the cycle of violence requires the will of both people in the abusive relationship.

Your friend has been with this asshole for three years. Victim or not, she’s entrenched in what she thinks is love. You can’t fuck with that, not without risking your friendship.

I’m not suggesting you don’t try. Just know what you’re getting into. It may become an ultimatum situation. This isn’t you saying, “you should really break up with that asshole.” This is you saying, “you have to break up with that asshole, or our friendship is over.”

Are you willing to do that? And if so, are you really capable of following through? I’m not suggesting you start tossing out ultimatums either, but you need to be prepared for serious consequences within your friendship before taking action.

If you’re sure that you want to do something, go big. Don’t half-ass it over coffee. Do a full on, balls-to-the-wall style intervention. Do some research. Start here.

Find a domestic violence intervention program in your area and ask them for help.

If an intervention seems like too much drama, then there’s little you can do except tell her how you feel and make sure she knows you’re there for her.

It’s a tough call — get all up in your friend’s shit, or stand idly by and watch her get slapped around. It’s real “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” kind of stuff.

Best of luck.

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