Should I care about the floating garbage mass in the pacific ocean that is double the size of texas or just throw this damn water bottle in the rubbish?

Neither. Just litter.

I’m a 21 years-old guy attending grad school in your country. Cool place by the way. Really liking California. My story is kinda long but I’ll try to resume it: Thing is there was me and there was this girl, who we can call Girlette, 3 years ago while I was still attending undergrad school back in my place. She’s older than me a couple of years but she was a year behind me in school. She was friends with some friends, but I never paid that much attention to her, pretty as she is, until she started talking to me. Glad should I be that she decided to do so, I thought back then, for she is a really intelligent and fun girl. We started to hang around and quickly became best friends and confidents, with nothing really happening in the romantic departed as she was currently dating a guy and I wasn’t interested on her anyway. Time went by and we became closer and a little bit closer when her relationship went from normal to bad to horrendous in record time. By the time she finally broke with the bloke we would spend most of our time together having pretty much a good time while sailing through my last year at school and her issues. More time went by, and with time grew infatuation towards her. I graduated and started working a pretty nice job, which allowed to pay my school loans and also finance our get-togethers. She started to demand as much attention as she could get from me and I had no problem giving it; sometimes she would even call me angrily asking why I hadn’t call her while I was in other city for work-related reasons. That situation was very weird but I came to like it as in my head it meant that she reciprocated my (by then) fully-fledged feelings towards her. I knew she liked me and she said so, but didn’t want to ruin the friendship while anyway wanted me to pay full attention to her. Sexy thinking about her felt very uncomfortable so I never proposed anything physical to her. That way it remained 100% platonic until this other guy appeared.The guy was not new really, I knew him from my work but didn’t care much about him. Coincidentally she met him somewhere else and quickly grew puppy feelings for him, like, in record time. I thought I knew her enough to say that they would eventually date formally and started to fear for my position in her life and, well, freaked out. I told her I could see she really liked the guy and given that I couldn’t do anything about it I would step aside and have some time for myself to, well, fall out of love. A couple of weeks later she effectively started dating the guy and was really happy, therefore I took some more distance. The bad thing is that she didn’t liked that idea that much as she missed our get-togethers and my friendship so started calling and inviting me to hang around, well, with Mr. Boyfriend on board as it was really important for her that I get to be friends with him. All those things from her were genuine, I could see she genuinely missed the friendship part of our relationship but I wasn’t ready to hang around with her, even less with Mr. Boyfriend, so I basically stated that. She pressured some more and I stated my case stronger. She pressured even more and then I became slightly rude while stating my case. She pressured even more, as far as wondering why it was taking me so much time to get over her, and then I… well, I didn’t say anything. I just then tried to avoid her and anything that had anything to do with her. This kinda worked as I went to enjoy myself a lot, have fun with old friends and new friends and dated a girl and stuff. Eventually I got over her and felt more comfortable about the idea of being friends with her. She is a really nice and intelligent, girl, better to have her as friend than not. The bad thing is that while I was avoiding her and having fun, her issues spiraled out of control one after the other. Her relationship with her mother was always rocky by her own account, so when she was diagnosed cancer it struck Girlette really hard. That was back when we started knowing each other. In time doctors said the cancer was controlled, but somehow it resurfaced strongly the couple of months I was keeping myself away from her. Also, her boyfriend left her for an ex-girlfriend in a sadly dramatic chain of events. During that time she grew angry towards me for abandoning her, but when things became too much she called me. I stood by her side those days but she was resentful and rude, which was perplexing but understandable given the situation. Then I had to stay in another city for a week doing work stuff. Sadly I left the city during a fight with Girlette, and after the flight I was informed that Girlette’s mother was on intensive care. I tried to contact her but she only answered with a text message saying that I had abandoned her for months so nothing would make a difference now. That struck me really, really hard. Then I proceed to have the shittiest week of my life as she called me sometimes nicely, sometimes crying angrily as things went from bad to worst. Sometimes hating me, sometimes expecting me to say something but every time I opened my mouth it was only for worst. The next Sunday her mother died. I went back to my place to attend the funereal services. Her words resounded repeatedly on my head and I convinced myself that I was guilty of having abandoned her. I started hating myself real bad. I tried to stay close to her but she repelled me and in some occasions during the following months I became her punching bag and guilt didn’t allow me to move past that. We lost common friends. Things went that way for a couple of months until I realized that I was not important in the new configuration of her life and when I cared it was only for making her really angry and go ballistic over ridiculously stupid little things. That was last christmas. In time I came to know that her relationship with her father collapsed but she met a really nice guy that was helping her going through that. I broke up with my girlfriend and also started to make plans for grad school in the States. Anything that had to do with her made me feel sad in a way I never felt before so I thought it would be better to cut positively and for good. Those months I was basically working during the day and counting the days left for fall on the night. A couple of weeks before the day of my flight came she came to know about my trip and contacted me. She told me things were not exactly ok but were getting better, that she was really as happy as she could with her boyfriend and that he was tremendously supportive. Knowing that it was easier to leave my place, but the goodbye was for me very, uhm, dramatic. Truth to be told now I don’t want to be her friend anymore, in fact I’m ok with knowing that she’s ok but not anything more. That is why it was perplexing to read an email from her saying that while we’re far away it would be nice to write each other every once in a while. And yes, it makes sense, it should be nice, but maybe I am not mature enough for not feeling like a total piece of shit, which brings me to the proper question: Is there any polite way to tell her that I don’t want to know about her?… Is it even right to want to say that? I mean, she was the one that lost her mother, not me, and anyway she’s been able to move past all the shitstorm that was the last year and a half and try to be friends again, but I just can’t. So I don’t know.
Heh, sorry it took me that long. Thanks for reading.

I couldn’t help but read this in the voice of Derek Zoolander.

To be honest, it was the only way I could get through it. 1500 words, man. Seriously. God forbid you actually fuck this girl one day. I don’t know if I could handle that novella.

Actually, I kind of feel ripped off. You led me on as if there would be some grand dilemma, but all you want to know is the proper etiquette for telling the crazy cunt to go fuck herself.

Well asshole, I know exactly what you should do here. I know what you should say to her. I know when you should say it. Thing is, I’m not going to tell you.

You wasted my time, so now I’m going to waste yours.

Rewrite your entire question in the form of a haiku.

If I like it, I’ll give you the answer.

Consider this a lesson in brevity.

How the fuck can I feel sexy with stretch marks on my tits? I shouldn’t even have them in the first place; I’m only an A-cup. My previous boyfriends never said anything about them, but I still feel damaged and undesirable. There’s no permanent removal method that I know of, so how do I reconcile these scars?

We all have something we hate about our bodies. All of us. Everyone.

Get over it, or start saving up for surgery.

New to your column but man I love it. Anyway, here it goes. I was dating a guy for almost two years. It was somewhat long distance (about 45 min each way with no traffic). We were only able to see each other on weekends because both of us worked Monday through Friday. After about a year and a half my sister’s wedding is coming up and I am Maid of Honor, therefore, have many duties to fulfill (specially girl only bridal events) which usually took place on weekends. That made our time together dwindle siginificantly That was getting to me more and more, the time apart, because together we were amazing. And the fact that he still had years of college left and that I was on my last semester was also getting to me and I went into full panic mode thinking nothing will change, that the distance isn’t going to get any better, etc. So I decided to break it off with him. Says I crushed him, even asked me to reconsider. And I did, I thought to myself is it really worth losing him over this because we have an amazing connection. In less than two weeks, I prioritized everything and decided that of course I don’t want to lose him, I’m stupid for panicking and thinking the distance was that big of a problem. I expressed all this to him and my feelings but at that point he had said he can’t just go back, damage had been done and that he’d need time to think but we can still be friends in the meantime. There was no way I could be just his friend after trying for a few weeks, I’d have constant breakdowns after seeing on his profiles that he’s openly dating differently people, etc. I couldn’t take it. So I told him we couldn’t be just friends and he said he still needs to think. Fast forward a few months and I decide enough time has passed….either he wants to try again or not, he said we can try again. But he was distant, even cold at times. He wasn’t “there”. To make matters worse I had to take a business trip for 3 weeks soon after we decided to try again. He told me he missed me one time through all of it. I get back and he basically tells me that it’s not fair to me that he’s not all “there” emotionally, that he can’t get past it yet and that he isn’t sure if he ever will. That he still needs to think about everything. I came to hate that word. After that for just a bit there was the “hi” texts, then soon nothing. He knew I can’t be just his friend knowing he is dating, and I kept my word on that, and I behaved by not going to his profiles because I knew it would just hurt. Fast forward to nearly a year after our breakup and I’m (stupidly) still not over him. All those feelings are still there. So I had decided to handwrite (because I find an email too impersonal and in-person would not have worked out because I KNOW he would’ve interrupted me) him a letter. I divulged everything and anything about how I STILL feel to this day about him, that I have gave him plenty of space to “think”, that obviously my feelings are truly authentic if after a year I still feel the same, that can’t let love just pass on by because of pride, and if he no longer feels the same way to just say it, no sugar-coating, I’m a big girl I can handle it. And much more. I realized after sending it that I didn’t put a return address on the outside, so if he never got it, I would never get it back either. So I texted him asking if he received what I sent and he said he did and that he has a lot of thinking to do still. Asked myself, what the heck had he been doing for this past year then? But anyway, I just said that I was just making sure it was received. And I hear nothing again for couple months and then he IM’s me……asking for his fuckin STEIN (large Oktoberfest mug) that he left at my house last year!!!!! WTF! Let’s just say that convo ended abruptly. So in the end, in your opinion, I want to know is there ANY sense at all holding onto hope that he still might have feelings for me? Or is it a lost cause? I think this is me making excuses, but I thought to myself, if he didn’t have any feelings left then why wouldn’t he just say so like I asked him to? BUT, I have a feeling I’m being a stupid girl.

Move the fuck on already. He has.

You’re the one who initially broke it off. You fucked it up. Own up to the consequences and get on with your life.

Not to rub it your face, but stop and consider how fucking pathetic it is to spend an entire year pining away for the kind of douchebag who gets possessive over a ceramic beer mug.

Have some fucking dignity. Smash that stein with a hammer, mail the pieces back to him, and go get laid by a guy who lives in your area code.

Would you consider dating someone with the same name as your father, who committed suicide before you were born, some form of daddy issue?

No. It’s just a name.

That’s not to say you don’t have some daddy issues. After all, you felt the need to ask this slightly bizarre question.

Ok so…..I live with my boyfriend and another male roommate who also has a “girlfriend”….if she can really be called that. Anyway, that’s whole other question in itself.

The house we live in is fairly small so everything can be heard from anywhere in the house. When my boyfriend and I have sex at night or when it’s pretty silent throughout I attempt to not make any banshee noises and generally keep the volume down out of respect and to avoid awkwardness for those who may….or may not be asleep. The “girlfriend” however does not. Sometimes it’s downright ridiculous. I’m all for making noise but under the circumstances I feel like it’s not out of the question to keep it down.

So I guess the question is….do you think the amount of noise someone makes reflects the pleasure of the experience? Do you think it’s necessary to make such noises or is it often theatrics? I’ve faked a few orgasms in my day and I feel like I might actually be more quiet when I really am getting off. Maybe that’s just my personal style. I guess perhaps the basis of this question stems from the male roommate saying the “girlfriend” was a “screamer”. Is this another one of those things that come from guys watching porn and expecting that?

Curious on your thoughts and love your writing.

Some girls are attention whores twenty-four, seven, three sixty-five — even when they’re filled with dick, they’re still empty enough for attention seeking behavior.

Imagine her making that amount of noise while masturbating. Ridiculous, isn’t it? It’s one thing to have a screaming orgasm, it’s another thing to be a screamer.

If you can hear her vocalizing through walls for ten minutes at a stretch it’s definitely theatrics, even if it’s not a conscious choice on her part.

Just tell the thoughtless bitch to shove a sock or a cock it it.