What is God?
Deus Sive Natura

How is it possible that my dumbass is dating the most wonderfully kind, intelligent and simply gorgeous woman in the whole world?
You’re sweet. Don’t fuck it up.

If you, um, felt the need to look into acquiring a dual citizenship somewhere, what country would you choose?
Canada.

I know weight-loss surgery is a valid option. I know people can fix their lives with this. I know it would greatly improve my health. Why does it feel like cheating? Like I couldn’t do it with exercise and a balanced diet.
It’s not cheating. You’re still gonna do it with exercise and a balanced diet.

I’ve written to you countless times about real shit in my life. Stuff that you probably can’t even come close to relating to in your frivolous, smug, faux-party-girl existence of yours. And the only responses I’ve ever received from you have been needlessly vicious and petty attacks on my character. You’re honestly such a cunt.
Gee. I wonder why I attacked your character?

How do I tell someone or explain “You’re a wonderful friend but I don’t want your creative input or assistance, ever.” Under normal circumstances I don’t mind just listening and ignoring it but they constantly want to collaborate and I absolutely do not want to do that.
I think you’ve chosen a lovely set of words to use. By all means, use them. Set your boundaries with kindness and compassion, and remember that you are not responsible for this person’s feelings.

My cousin’s new husband is an idiot dirtbag racist (“all Muslims should be exterminated” levels). He’s also applying to the Secret Service and has asked me for my full name and SSN (I was born on a military base overseas and apparently he needs that info?). I A) DO NOT want to give it to him and B) DO NOT want this guy serving in the Secret Service (though he is dumb as shit; an assassination attempt on 45 might actually go through). Do I flat out refuse, possibly instigating a family war? Do I report his racism (documented online) to the Secret Service? Do I just comply and wait for his inevitable failure? I feel gross and uncomfortable and stressed already. Coke, what would you do?
Yeah, this is an easy one. Tell him to go fuck himself, and when the feds come to interview you for his background check, spill the tea and show receipts.

I wrote to you in 2012 panicking about climate change and you said “calm down, Chicken Little.” It’s strangely comforting to see that on Twitter now, you’re on the same page about the climate being fucked and the future being bleak. Your writing has helped me come to terms with the fact that I’m not having kids. I do dearly hope to get to be an old woman someday, though.
I think the not-so-distant future on this planet will be unimaginably horrible and then potentially really interesting. The climate will change. Our species will adapt. Humanity will survive, but there will be about five to seven billion fewer of us over the course of about a hundred years starting about a hundred years from now. I just hope we retain science and knowledge and don’t fall into another dark age. I prefer to live this current life of relative comfort and ease, but I still think it would be kinda cool to skip to the other side of the impending extinction event just to see how it all turns out.

I know weed did/does make you paranoid. Is that still a thing, or do you smoke more now?
I’ve gone the way of the THC vape pen. Clean, easy, and a consistently good high.

Do you consider what you do here “emotional labor”?
This is how I relax.

Apatheia, ataraxia, or nirvana?
Fuck nirvana. Marry ataraxia. Kill apatheia.

You have control over anyone’s mind for one hour…who and what do you do?
I can’t answer this question explicitly without risking a visit from either the Secret Service or the FBI, but let’s just say that if I had one hypothetical, magical hour of mind control, then by late January of 2019, Donald Trump would be charged with five counts of murder, President Nancy Pelosi would be nominating three new Supreme Court Justices, and Mitch McConnell wouldn’t be around to get in her way.

Coketalk, everytime I go to my (good) mate’s places I end up in bed cuddling them for a good while. I never let it cross the line into something sexual, but the cuddles are intimate. Is this wrong? Should I stop?
You’re absolutely adorable. Good for you for recognizing that the cuddles are intimate. There’s nothing wrong with physical intimacy between friends, but you need to pay close attention to the ebb and flow of platonic and romantic emotions — both yours and your friend’s — so as to prevent any misunderstandings or potential boundary violations.

Why can’t I stop thinking about how my boyfriend once fucked his roommate?
Because it speaks to his character, and you don’t like what it says.

He has a polyamorous approach to relationships. I don’t, and probably won’t ever be. Am I wrong to ask him not to be poly if he’s with me?
You’re not wrong to ask, but you’re wrong if you think the relationship will last longer than six months.

How do you dirty talk? I can’t take myself seriously and don’t know what to say.
I answered this many years ago, but it bears repeating: Dirty talk consists entirely of describing whatever it is you are doing in the moment. Just narrate the action, but you gotta own that shit. Curl your lip. Say it with brass. Don’t think. Growl.

Are all cops bastards?
No, but the number of cops who aren’t bastards is essentially a rounding error.

Have you ever passed by a stranger in your new city and thought, “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you on tinder.” Or whatever dating app, multiple dating apps you use.
Sure. It happens all the time. Hell, it used to happen in LA. (Then again, I used to do a lot of ecstasy, and that always made people seem familiar to me.)

I am going back to school to get a master’s degree to become a therapist. Should I be alarmed that so many of the other students in my program (also aspiring therapists) believe in “crystals” and talk about their healing properties?
You must be in California. Don’t worry. Those people tend to get weeded out on their way to licensure and end up as yoga instructors or life coaches.

Coke, are you still a raging bitch? I remember you said you’ve moved the party upstairs. You sound more of a calming presence than anything, to be honest.
I’ve always been a calming presence.

You’re a child playing grown up.
Thank you!

My ex is dating a model who is so thin, she is absolutely anorexic. It’s so apparent, it made me gasp. I’m slim thick and he loved my body to the point of idealizing it at times. What?
The easy answer to your question is that your ex idealizes whatever body type he’s currently fucking. The difficult answer to your question is that you should stop comparing your body to other women, especially women your ex is fucking, and even more especially models.

I got ghosted. I invited him to come over, he said sure. The night approached. He never texted. I didn’t either. It’s always what happens. I spot the ghosting coming so I don’t say anything and therefore only get half ghosted. Am I being smart?
You got what you wanted. That’s what you need to start admitting to yourself. This pattern serves a purpose for you. You get a tiny jolt of excitement from the initial connection, and you get just as much pleasure when the plans fall through. Your needs are getting met. If they weren’t, you’d behave differently. The question now is to discover why you’re satisfied with so little.

I think I’m working for an actual (corporate) psychopath. How do I navigate this situation if I want to stay with this company and advance my career?
Well, you’ve spotted the predator. That’s important. At the very least, it means you aren’t the weakest gazelle. Stay alert and don’t allow yourself to become prey. Be useful and unobtrusive. Do your job well, but do not seek praise. Avoid interaction to whatever degree possible. I don’t know what you do or how your company is structured, but you would be wise to get clear of this psychopath’s range of authority as soon as possible.

If I’m so supposedly liberal and accepting, why do I hate the idea of Burning Man? I’m not sure if “capitalism” is the right answer. What if the answer is “don’t touch me”?
You can be liberal and accepting and still have personal preferences. The point is to live and let live. The whole “let live” part of that is being cool with other people doing their thing even if you hate the idea. As for why you hate the idea of Burning Man, the reason is envy. You see those people as a bunch of insufferable assholes, but you also see that they have something special, and you want to have something special too. You just haven’t found your special thing yet. Once you do, you won’t hate the idea of Burning Man anymore. You’ll just think it’s silly.

Why have I been losing feelings for men after I sleep with them?
Those feelings you’ve been losing weren’t really for the men. They were for you. In other words, right now you’re only in it for the chase. For whatever reason, you’re not emotionally available beyond the initial phase of the courtship ritual. It’s up to you to figure out why.

Do you still like coke? I’d love it if we were cycle twins on being over coke. It’s how I’d want my imaginary friendship with you to progress.
I can’t remember the last time I blew a rail. It’s a social drug, after all, and the people who did cocaine in LA a decade ago were a lot more interesting than the people who do cocaine in my current city today. (I had to check myself with this answer. Was my LA crew really more interesting, or was I just a lot younger and less discerning? Honest assessment: both.)

After three years of working a thankless admin position, I was unfairly reprimanded at work. I’ve put up with so much fucking shit, but now I’m just demotivated. I’ve always wanted to quit, but they won’t even let me do that. How do I keep going?
Demand respect. Stop putting up with so much fucking shit. Start looking for other work. Convince your co-workers to unionize. Frame your boss for murder. Burn down the building. Lead an armed insurrection against your capitalist overlords. Go do something with your life.

He wants to be more than friends. I told him politely I wasn’t interested in more and he understood and accepted… But then a couple of days later he asked me if our 20-year age difference was a factor (I’m 40. He’s 60). It is, in part, but I can’t say that, can I?
Of course you can say that.

Does life require purpose and meaning to be fulfilling?
Fulfillment doesn’t really exist as an idea without some concept of purpose or meaning.

Why do I sleep with every single one of my friends?
Because you’re shit at maintaining boundaries.

Being around republicans is bad for your soul and I don’t recommend it.
Thanks for the tip.

Does life get better or worse as you age?
No.

I don’t know what an evergreen tweet is. My friends talk about it and I just nod. I’m exhausted. What’s happening to me?
Any type of media referred to as “evergreen” means that it continues to remain relevant and/or doesn’t lose meaning despite the passing of time. Also, you should probably start taking naps. Naps are awesome.

First proper, long-term relationship. I’ve started recognizing some toxic behaviours in myself (stemming from jealousy and insecurity, most often). I don’t want to be like that. Now what?
Go a level deeper than the jealousy and insecurity. Find out where those two emotions are rooted. Separate rational thinking from irrational thinking, and do the hard work it takes to start choosing healthier behaviors.

How can you tell the difference between inner peace and numbness?
Numbness is feeling nothing. Inner peace is being nothing.

What do you do when you get sad?
I eat like shit and forget to shower.

Sorry if this has been asked before, or if it comes off creepy. I’m genuinely just curious. Has anyone ever correctly guessed your identity before? And if so, have you told them they were right?
Yes. I had a colleague whose girlfriend straight up asked me if I was coketalk once while we were all out having dinner. Apparently, she had been reading my shit since her high-school tumblr days and knew enough about my life to call me out. I flatly denied it.

How do I spin “the startup I’m working at has top-level executive and management problems that are causing it to implode” as I search for a new job in a different legal department?
Perhaps try “Opportunity for growth with my current employer has reached its potential, and I’m eager to devote my time and energy to a company with a clear vision and stable leadership.”

Is it true what they say, that creativity is like a muscle? If you work hard enough, anyone can develop it?
I suppose creativity is like a muscle, but don’t kid yourself. Some folks are just born with more than others, and no matter how hard you work, there are natural limits to what you’ll be able to develop. (Oh, and taking the right combination of drugs definitely helps, but for some reason our culture considers that cheating.)

If we’re supposed to be getting rid of Ego, is there any situation in which we should “have our pride”?
The egoless version of pride is dignity. Try having that instead.

ugh dating in the Bay Area is just as obnoxious as in LA, the ego is just a different flavor. But I met a good person who has his shit together and I like everything about him except one thing. One very. small. thing. Now what?
I’m much less concerned about your indictment of his penis size than I am about your lukewarm use of “good” and “like.” Is “great” and “love” a possibility with this guy? It just feels like you’re settling. Plus, the phrase “has his shit together” feels like a red flag. Not for him. For you. It’s code for the fact that you tend to date losers, which clues me into why you might be settling.

Any advice for watching your best friends destroy each other in a failing marriage that they both refuse to give up on? I’m keeping out of it (was stung earlier) but they’ve become impossible emotional sponges.
Yeah, you’re not keeping out of it. They won’t let you. You’re basically in an emotional threesome, and it’s time you learned how to set a proper fucking boundary. Tell them to go get a couples therapist. Find one for them if you have to, because you’re done being their third party. Don’t let either of them bring anymore mess into your house. Be firm. Be rude if necessary, but refuse to be a passenger on their sinking ship.

A close friend is about to get married. She hasn’t known him all that long, and is still in the honeymoon period of the relationship (she said so herself). They’ve never had a single fight. She can’t even name one annoying habit he has. She’s always been a very rational person, and now she seems to be under some bizarre love spell. I don’t trust him at all. I feel like this marriage is a mistake, but I know I can’t say anything to her without ruining our friendship. But I’m dreading the wedding and what will come after. How do I get through it?
It really depends on why you don’t trust him. How good are your instincts with shit like that? Is he dangerous? A little shady? A garden variety asshole? Or is it possible that your mistrust is a manifestation of jealousy over your fading friendship? Personally, I wouldn’t say shit unless you have hard evidence that he poses some kind of risk to her health or safety. Otherwise, this is her mistake to make. It happens all the time.

Superficial question: have you ever been at the Burning Man? You sound like the kind of person who has almost founded it. Just curious.
I can’t tell if this is an insult or a compliment. A good portion of my former LA crew were burners. I’ve helped build art cars and I’ve counseled countless costume choices, but I could never go myself because the week always landed during my busiest season. I suppose it’s a subculture I understand from a distance, which is kind of the way I prefer it.

Should I dry clean these jeans? They say I should, but they’re jeans.
Call your mother.